Matthew

: The act of loving in return, requited love.

Example: He knew lust like daybreak and dawn yet redamancy eluded him, each time like the last.

Did we have mutual redamancy, him and I, or was I obsessed with the thought of it?

Did I love, obsesses or hate him.

Because my purity rested in spiteful loathing, and in the way it coiled and manifested into each corner of my psyche I knew hate. I loved hate because it gave me adrenalin, it gave me power.

It gave me tears, it made me ruthless and remorseful. I was cast away because of it.

Yet I, within my hate stood strong and still, but never in myself.

Did I ever say how much I loved to watch his mouth squeeze after he tasted my tongue sharp in the flavours of tropical mango and melted chocolate buttons. Complaining how I shouldn't have ate them before kissing him, or I should brush my teeth at the very least.

How I'd force him into watching videos of people making pools and those houses built on firm foundation yet still washed by the storm. Purity.

How he made me feel, how he said I made him love. Forgetting those nicks at his temple, where a roar from the congregation resided.

We danced so many nights, lost, and yet- each of us knew where home was.

We cried just as much. I cried tears to fill the Canyon or wash my sin holy. Or tame the fires of Brimstone.

I wanted to marry him.

I loved him.

I still do.

And it hurt, almost as much as it breathed life into me. I developed anew,

Readily made redamancy -for his tongue only if it meant we burnt together.

The pain was never worth it but, the pain was a part of it. And I became happy to indulge in it meant U.S. And that's why now, I- another country.

"You can hardly look at me now"

"Because I don't know how to feel, I never expected it."

"Neither did I, but it seems like you never took my emotions into consideration."

He looked to me now, remorseful.

Like I cared.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want to say something I would regret."

"So you don't regret all that you did said?"

Mouth agape just to shut again, hardly a breath escaped.

I smiled, not knowing what else to give "I can hardly say I'm shocked but, I let myself dream that you of all people would be better."

"Maybe you are right, hell the whole world or 'Christiandom'. I'm as stupid as I am sinful."

He looked back to the floor, dismay not quite regret dancing at his interlocked fingertips. Knuckles white.

"Why am I bothering to talk to you, it's not like you'll change."

"Matthew"

"What, Adam. Are you going to lecture me on my immoral ways or recommend a prayer that will rid me of this secular parasite eating me from inside out."

I paused to look at his glow leave, satisfying my anger.

"No, better yet make me fast or go on a pilgrimage to Toute or fucking Jerusalem. Why not send me packing to the closest war torn area so I can build a church, or does putting me in a 'Christian summer camp' sound nicer."

He stood there, finally letting me speak.

It was exhilarating until I finished.

Because I broke down, a sobbing mess at his floor. I couldn't hold myself back.

"What's so wrong with me, huh." Tears cascaded. I barely held myself slouched agains his bed frame.

Until I felt his body creep and my hairs rise, skin going cold.

"Don't fucking touch me"

So he pulled back.

"Why would you want to touch someone like me, won't I contaminate you."

"Matthew I'm sorry," he once more began crawling toward me and screaming had depleted my energy.

"No you're not," water that I couldn't spare gushed out still, "you only care because it's me. If I were a classmate of yours or someone on the news you wouldn't care. You wouldn't bat an eyelid. So don't lie to me"

He knew I was right, agreeing with silence.

"But, shouldn't I care because it's you and see past it because we're brothers."

"No, you should see past it because it's not a fucking obstacle. I'm not deranged nor am I temporary, I'm the same Matthew you called apple pie a week ago.

My sexuality never changed me, but I tried to change it. For people like you.

So don't waste your breath sounding like a Martyr, managing to see past his brother's iniquities and loving him still."

I finally took a breath, letting every inch slip out like cool breeze or a harsh wash of sand over my face.

"Adam, you will always be my brother. But not my friend. Unless you except this minuscule part of me that wouldn't matter if you didn't make it matter. I'm gay and what of it-"

He almost flinched at that. Like I poured boiling water onto him.

"Don't say that"

"What?"

"You could be wrong"

Anger seething up my tongue and toes like acid peeling back skin.

"HOW!! I've known since I was fucking 5, don't make me doubt myself more than I already have."

He pondered something I wish he had guts to tell me.

"You" bit his tongue then rebutted "Is there a guy"

Now I was the silent one.

"Well"

"Matthew is there a guy involved," more accusatory than I had ever thought him asking about my partners to be.

I had thought the first time we'd giggle together.

"Yes"

"How do you know you like him and it's not just lust, your hormones-"

"Jesus fucking Christ, Adam"

"But"

"No, I'm not letting you do that me. I'm fucking not, you- you. Ugh" gripping onto my scalp

"I'm not a wolf in heat, the fuck."

He looked at me pitifully, like a rambling fool.

And so instead of once more wasting breath I left.

Yo how long has it been since we've hung out

You tell me

You free rn

yup

-The park, near the pond, in 25

-Sure

-Cya

-Bye ♥️

-😗♥️🙆🏼‍♂️❤️❤️🔫🤛🏾🧑🏾‍🌾 =💀 ⚰️

(3 minutes later)

Because you are severely uneducated, this mean I'm hittining with love from all angels even with my AK then because you're dumb you die from overload but I give you a funeral with no flower hubby.

*Hitting

*Angles

*Funny

*dumpy

*dumpy

*dumb-eeee

Damn autocorrect, bye tho.

- bye

'So how's life?'

'I-I don't know"

Eyes piercing at something beyond myself.

"How come?"

"A lot has gone down, really fast and I don't know how I feel. You know about it."

"Do you wanna say what happened?"

"Mal"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gay"

He smiled at me, "I know"

"Faye?"

"No, I could tell something was going on between you and James from that slap and all those days you snook off together. Me and Faye gave you a ship name and everything,

It's called Matesha."

"Matesha?"

"Matthew-Letesha."

"You guys were never slick and she told me about what she caught you two doing, freaky fucks. You know I told you to never do nothing like that."

"You did?"

"I did"

We began laughing small, as he left his head at my shoulder, dark hair at my weighted shoulder.

"I don't mind, it never mattered to me. But I knew it mattered to you so I never brought it up. I'm sorry."

"Why"

"I know you, so I'm sorry for when I didn't help and you needed it. I was always so busy in myself and

Others."

"It's fine, Daisha is more than I could ever want. So who are others."

I say knowingly. Knowing that knowledge was more often a fact of opinion.

My name and his not set in stone so why not let his coils on me.

"Well, her"

"So how is she, to you."

"It's complicated."

"Or did you complicate it."

"You know how she is, she can hardly handle herself, she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know, she rarely knows what she needs to."

"Does she need to know your feeling, or do you need to tell her."

"She-"

"She"

He mapped my palm lines with trotted palm leaves, I smiled. You really do become those you love.

"It doesn't matter, if it doesn't work it doesn't and it's for the best. I don't want to turn out like her brother."

He played with my finger pulling and plucking as I ponder what happened to her brother.

"What do you mean."

He looked dumbfounded.

"What happened to Tammy. Obviously, that's her only brother."

"What happened to him?"

Oh. I saw that expression glint his irises, and then turn dark.

"She didn't tell you did she, I thought she would because it applies to you. We'll sort of, I know you would never do what he did but-"

"What happened."

"Remember back when he was in high school with your brother, like late junior year and that birthday party he got drunk at."

"Yeah"

"Your brother drove him home, and everyone at Tammy's house was asleep so he took him to his room. Well everyone but Faye, and then Tammy kissed your brother.

And he kissed him back, cuz he was a bit off himself. And they did stuff, but Tammy never told her anything and if she knows more she's not telling.

That's why they've not talked in like two years. They didn't argue over a girl like some said, or get into a drunken fight. They did things together that they now both regret and can hardly look each other in the eye.

It's kinda sad because they seemed to be alright friends before. They're just lucky that his mom was working late that night."

Oh.

"How do you know you like him and it's not just lust, your hormones"

He wasn't talked to me was he.