Going to the carnival yesterday was the worst idea i've had since I was born, because of course, it fucked with me completely, throughly, fully.

A lot more than i'd like to admit.

It changed so much. It made me realize so damn much.

It fucked me over more than anything.

And I was a confused heap of human man now.

All I could think about was Adrienne, more than fucking usual too which was not at all a good sign,

Her. Her. Her. Her.

Like a little ringing sound.

And I didn't like her that way.

I couldn't.

She didn't like me. She didn't care about me the way I cared about her. I couldn't let myself be okay with liking her. I couldn't admit it. But fuck the carnival was a complete flip of the coin, her smile, her eyes, the way she laughed and the way she showed me she cared about me in the car, the questions she asked, trying not to be intrusive, her hair, the scent of her shampoo , and her cute jump and gasp when we won the stuffed animal.

The way her lips look, the way she dresses, the way she turns me down every time with that sexy glare, her smile, fuck, her smile, that smile she only ever gave me.

I needed to kiss that smile, to taste that smile, I wanted more from that smile, more than to just look at it, I wanted to have so much more from it.

I knew who Adrienne was long before we were partnered for the assignment, and of course I did. Because we were in the same class and college since the beginning, since freshman year.

To me she was always just the pretty girl who i'd never heard talk and painted so beautifully that it looked like she'd thrown her heart out on all her pieces of canvas.

It wasn't enough to make me fall for her, but it was enough for me to be absolutely fucking over the moon when she was placed as my project partner because she was fucking amazing, and as shallow as it was, she was beautiful, and I liked looking at her, so part of me really didn't mind spending hours on hours working with her.

I'd seen her art around, she never went to the college exhibitions it was at but a piece of her was always in there because it deserved to be.

But now when I knew her, talked to her, spent time with her even apart from the project we were assigned to work on, it made it difficult to say how I felt for her.

I was so confused. So damn confused. Harmless flirting, glances, stares. It meant little at first, but then she started slowly pulling her walls down and I couldn't help but like what I began to see over those walls.

And I think I no longer just wanted to look over the wall, I wanted to jump over to the other side and stay there for as long as she let me.

Truth was, I had started to grow the mixed feelings for her since the day she'd sat in front of the coffee shop waiting for me with my favorite coffee and a cookie i'd never tried before between her hands, the day she'd rambled on about how shitty she was to me, how she told me black coffee is crap and the one she's holding is cold but its okay if I liked it because she wouldn't judge me off my coffee preference.

I remember the way I couldn't stop smiling because I loved her voice she'd barely used and it was the first time i'd heard it properly and she was rambling about fucking coffee but it sounded like poetry to me.

Or maybe it was earlier, maybe it was when she looked at me when we were partnered together, that pissed off look, that glare, that damned beautiful glare. Even when she was angry she was so damn undeniably gorgeous.

Fuck it feels like I always wanted her, but like any normal person, I didn't want to want someone who didn't want me.

It was Sunday night after i'd went to my parents place for dinner, now I was outside smoking, wondering if I should get drunk too but smoking right now was a bad choice anyway, I didn't need to make anymore bad choices.

The only good thing that came from this was that I couldn't sleep all of last night and so I did some work on our project, I specifically couldn't fall asleep all I could think about was Addy who probably wasn't thinking about me, and it made me feel even worse.

How could I like someone who didn't even like me that, as a fucking friend? I was royally fucked. Damned. Doomed. Condemned. Punished or something.

And even if I want to tell her, I know she'll either kick me in the balls or tell me to get a grip, yet of course that doesn't diminish my feelings for her.

I stand here and take another drag of the cigarette and wondered if its bad that it doesn't bother me that she'd do that? I'd probably smile at her.

Fuck I really do like her, even if she'd possibly kick me in the balls if I told her I possibly kind of liked her and possibly wanted to take her on a date where it was only us and no else, not even our friends, just us.

I couldn't stop myself as I took my phone out from my sweats pocket and look to the screen to see nothing from her.

I swipe the other texts away and go to her name, opting to call her instead of text her because I wanted to hear her voice.

I was actually surprised when she answered on the third ring.

"Hello?" She actually sounded a little annoyed and my lips quirked up, "If you always sound so excited to talk to me im gonna think you have a crush on me Addy."

"I can assure you, you don't have to ever think that."

Aha. There goes my heart, not beating, im literally fucking sad now. Yep, that's it, Im done with women, forever.

"So sad." I say dryly but it's quite possibly actually true, this is so damn sad, and Im so damn pathetic.

She hums on the other end, "Is there a reason you called me on a Sunday night?" I really wanted to hear your voice Adrienne.

"To annoy you, of course."

"We both know i'll block and delete your number."

Maybe she would. "I do know but im holding onto a thread that you won't." I reply, biting at the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at how easily I get on her nerves.

"Don't hold too tight Krist."

I smile.

I missed her.

Fuck.

I am indeed done with women, because I only wanted one woman.

"What'd you do today?" I ask her, taking another smoke of the cigarette between my fingers and she sighs but doesn't not tell me, "I went to see my nonna today."

"Nonna?"

"Italian, my grandmother."

I raise a brow at nothing in particular, "You're italian?"

"Half." She says without elaborating how and I hum, "Can you speak Italian?"

"Yeah." Damn. That was really freaking sexy.

"Tell me im handsome."

"No."

I smirk and shrug even if she can't see it, "Worth a try."

She hums and I hear her yawn softly before she speaks up, "What'd you do?"

"I did another mould of my own actually."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"Which one?" She asks me, suddenly interested and it almost makes me feel fucking sad that she wasn't as interested when we were talking about her day and the Italian stuff.

Or maybe she was and I was confused.

So confused.

Or overthinking it.

Fuck.

Stop thinking Krist.

"A blue flower, you know its a symbol of desire in German?"

"No, I didn't actually."

My lips quirk up. "If I send you blue flowers just remember this moment."

"I'll return them."

I roll my eyes but my smile stays. "Because you desire me too?"

"No, because I don't want any flowers, especially from you."

"

I feign a sigh, "You're the most charming woman i've ever met sweetheart, you make me swoon, you know that?"

She hums. "Im sure you're in awe of me."

"In awe would be an understatement." It would. I completely and wholeheartedly cherished her very existence.

I can practically see the way she rolls her eyes, hearing the crystal clear annoyance when she replies back to me, "Is that all Krist?"

I want to say no so that she doesn't end our conversation but I know there was nothing else to say and she sounded pretty tired, "Yeah."

"Goodnight Karsen, don't smoke."

"Too late." I mumble as I look to the cigarette i'd forgotten whilst talking to her. "But you helped."

I know she's smiling on the other end, a smile the world might not ever get to see but im so selfish that all I can think about is that at least I have seen it and I'll treasure it for the world instead.

"Im happy to hear that."

"Dream of me."

She yawns again, this yawn louder than the previous one. "Go to hell Krist."

Yeah. I like her, so damn much.

===

Yes I got her that oddly specific tea she likes and that red velvet cookie with white chocolate chips and yes I got her a cheeseburger too and yes I was literally on the verge of turning around and not going to her because I was nervous she'd read it on my face that I wanted to kiss her senseless.

Instead I just breathed, because it wasn't too obvious, it wasn't even obvious when I flirted with her so buying her food and tea and a cookie isn't gonna make her realize I want her.

Right?

Right???

I think so.

Maybe. Possibly.

As soon as I get out my car with the stuff and see her in her own car, her legs propped up on the dashboard and listening to music as she paints her nails.

I think I go into cardiac arrest.

Get it fucking together Karsen.

She's blowing her nails when I get around her car and open the side door, getting in and she blinks as she looks to me now.

She's wearing sweats and a crop shirt and she tugs her shirt down more as she sits up and Im so damn thankful because even a silver of her skin drives me insane and I can already barely focus whenever Im around her.

"What're you doing in my car?" She asks slowly.

"You leave your door unlocked?" I ask as I hand her tea over to her and then set the brown packet on her lap.

"That cheeseburger."

She snorts, "I was only kidding Krist."

"I wasn't."

She raises a brow and opens the wrapping, taking a bite and licking the sauce from her red painted lips and I suddenly have the urge to have smears of red lipstick on my lips too.

"Krist."

I look up from her lips and she raises a brow my way, "You okay?"

I shrug, "Im fine, just nervous for Thursday." Game day. Which was true, but I was also confused about how I felt for her, even if I knew.

I was still convincing myself I'm not head over heels for her.

Evidently, it was not working.

"Oh, the game?"

I nod and she hums, "I think Maybe you shouldn't smoke before then too."

I shrug and lay back on the seat, "Maybe."

"If you wanna smoke just text me, i'll talk to you if it helps, I guess."

I blink.

Did she really just say that?

"Seriously?"

She nods to herself, "Yeah, im not as bad as I can be."

I raise a brow, "I don't think thats the saying."

She shrugs, "It makes sense when it comes to me."

True. It did.

I lean over the console and kiss the side of her forehead, not able to stop myself and she stops chewing, I look down to her and she looks up to me, "You're the best."

Her eyes seem to lighten, and her lips quirk up but she doesn't speak and I take that as my leave.

I open the door and get out, "We need to start painting, my house?"

She nods and I nod back, "Later Addy."