《better left unsaid》"voicemail"
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you would keep the led lights on when I slept over because I was scared of the dark; and you would talk me through every nightmare until I fell asleep again. you know I still remember what it felt like to hear your voicemail for the very first time? I was on the floor next to my bed in the early hours of the evening, and you had told me you were leaving an hour ago. i called it and let it ring right to the end just to hear your voice. We talked the next morning and i told you how much i hated your voicemail. do you still have any of the voicemails i left you? do you still press play to hear how my heart beat for you? how my voice sounded when you actually enjoyed it? when every word i spoke didnt sting you?
i listen to our videos; the ones where you refer to me as your love and baby and tell me how much i mean to you. you tell me i ripped your heart out of your chest. don't you know i'm evil?
don't you know i feel it? don't you know i'm guilty? don't you know i'm worthless? i am every bad word you have ever spoken of me. i am every mistake i have ever made. i am every horrid phrase that you just can't seem to erase from your memory. i am everything you want me to be. liar. evil. untrustworthy. i am that entire 24 hour argument that left you breathless. i am crazy. i am evil. i am every joke you've made to your friends with me as the shallow punch line. i am pointless. without you i am nothing because with you i was something.
have you ever felt worthless- no. have you ever KNOWN you were worthless? have you ever hated yourself so much you just wanted to kill it, but you feel like that's the easy way out and you don't deserve to feel peace? feel like you need to cut yourself just deep enough to feel the punishment you deserve. itch at every scab and every scar and just do it again because you deserve it. because you are worthless.
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i now question every word that comes out of my mouth, i analyse every phrase in the tone in which it is projected so i guess i understand that even if i could give all that love to you, even if i could explain all my faults to you and you promise you understood, you would still kid about me being crazy. mutilating me. ripping me limb from limb. crazy? am i? maybe. or am i just really really terrible.
i remember the feeling i got in the middle of the night when i would jolt awake and check your breathing, making sure you were okay, making sure you didn't go anywhere. an extension of me. clearly i deserve this. clearly i am worthless.
i won't check under the bed tonight, and i'll turn all my lights off, i'll leave my closet and bedroom door open, because clearly the only thing i've ever really had to fear, was myself.
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