I'm not forcing you to, but if you can, please read the author's note in the end.

Unedited. Please proceed with caution. I don't have time to edit this.

Enjoy.

And yeah, the title is based on Secondhand Serenade's song.

*****

I don't have any idea about what's going on inside Hanji's mind, nor what plans they have as they invited Rein to sit on the couch. After knowing them for three years, I thought that I'm already good at reading them. But as I sat here, looking at Hanji and recognizing the glint in their eyes, the belief that I can read them that easy was flushed down the fucking toilet.

Hanji kept on staring at Rein, examining him with a scrutinizing gaze, like a scientist looking at a newly obtained specimen. Rein tried his best to look comfortable, to look unaffected, but seems to be failing based on the way he squirm lightly on his seat.

"So Rein..." Hanji started, catching both Rein's and my attention. It was dripping with amusement, although I can't fucking figure out the reason why they're so amused with this. "I didn't believe Eren at first when he told us that you look exactly like him but with you here, you two really do look alike."

Rein smiled at them. "Yeah, we often get that a lot."

Hanji nodded. "Who's older between you two?"

I rolled my eyes. "Hanji. They're twins."

Hanji turned their gaze at me and also rolls their eyes. "Someone came out first. That's the one who's older."

"Eren's older," Rein butted in. "Only by 5 minutes though."

"Really?" Rein nodded. "Who's more dominant between you two?"

"Hanji, why the fuck do you want to know that?" I glared at them but they, didn't give any attention to me, didn't even cast me a single glance and kept it fixed on Rein.

"Well, I can't exactly tell that but, Eren tends to get into a lot more fights while I tend to stay away from it as much as possible. He has a shorter fuse as it seems when it comes to anger."

Hanji nodded with a wide smile, seemingly happy with the information given to them. "Did you have any relationships before?"

The expression on Rein's face slowly changed into one that shows how uncomfortable the topic is to him. It obviously would, considering that it didn't go well.

"I had one, but she cheated on me. Caught her making out with some guy. We only lasted for a few months. Three or four months, I think?"

"That sucks."

"Well, I'm okay now. Besides, there's something much better for me here." Rein looked at me, smiling. Noticing it, Hanji cleared their throat, once again catching Rein's attention.

Hanji started talking again, but I didn't give them any attention, unable to even if I tried. My mind is too occupied with what Rein just said. Something much better for him? Is he pertaining to me?

I had noticed that he's been doing some little things, some advancement that I've seen before. The same way Eren acted when he started to make a move on me, before he officially asked me to date him. I should be glad about it, because somehow, he's living up to those words he had spoken and told me before they left for Germany, but I'm not.

I don't know what I feel about it.

I feel like I was torn. Because I really am. I'm still so fucking confused even though I kept on drilling the same thing in my mind fucking over and over again. I always told myself to just fucking move on and forget what happened, for Rein is here. The real Rein is here, the one that I've really been waiting for, and he's here to live up to the promise he left all those years ago.

But every time I did so, images of Eren kept on flashing in my mind, smiling at me, holding me, enveloping me in a warmth that's capable of making me feel so lost but home at the same time, all of it rushing in my mind like a warning sign. A painful reminder of what happened for months, before all of it came crashing down, months that I've felt truly happy, loved and complete in my whole goddamn life.

I kept my gaze trained on the floor, my mind too occupied with my own thoughts to give any attention the other two who are currently chatting away in the living room of my apartment. Blocking everything away, only then I noticed how heavy my shoulders felt, like the whole world was set on my fucking shoulders to carry alone. My thoughts always wear me away, the constant gnawing of it causes a big deal of stress that I had grown to know too damn well.

I don't know how long I stared at nothing, didn't even move an inch from where I sat on the couch as they carried on. Every now and then their mentions of Eren's name was able to slip into my ear, and every time it did so I feel like it's a needle instead of a simple name with the way it jabs at my heart, sending short but sharp pain to it.

I only stopped spacing out when I felt the need to use the bathroom. When I suddenly stood up, both of them turned their attention to me, looking at me with questioning gazes. Telling them the reason why, I excused myself, going straight to where the bathroom is.

After relieving myself, I went to the sink to wash my hands and looked at the mirror just to see the blank look in my eyes. It looks dead, has been like that since all the shits hit the fan, and I just chose to ignore it as I turned the faucet off and went back to where Hanji and Rein are.

When I got out of the bathroom, I didn't expect to see Hanji standing a few feet away from it. As they looked at me, they looked serious, not even a trace of their usual craziness can be seen on their face. It made me confuse, but decided to keep the impassive look on my face.

"You gotta take a shit?" Hanji gave me no answer and just looked at me as I made my way back to the living room. Just as I was about to walk past them, they stopped me, grabbing my arm and pulling me to face them.

"You didn't tell him, yet?" They kept their voice hushed, careful not to be heard by Rein who's still sitting in the living room. A frown made its way to my face and I pulled my arm away from their grip.

"No. I don't plan to. At least not in the near future." I tried to walk away but Hanji caught me again, causing me to scowl. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Levi," Hanji started, sounding exasperated. "You should tell him. You are fully aware of what hiding secrets can cause, right? Come on, don't be foolish, Levi."

"Hanji." I sighed, running a hand through my hair before I looked at them. "I can't. I can't fucking risk causing a fight between those two. You saw how fucking close they are, didn't you? I just don't want to cause them any trouble."

Hanji looked at me incredulously. "And what? You're just going to wait until it leak out? Isn't that the reason why you were so mad at Eren in the first place? Because he lied to you?" Hanji paused, their head shaking in disbelief. "Aren't you being a hypocrite now?"

I tried to deny what they said, tried to ignore the pang I felt when I heard what they said, but they were right. "I know that, Shitty Glasses. But I can't. Call me a fucking coward, but that's the fucking truth."

"Then I'll be the one to tell it to him." I looked at them like they just grew a second head. Are they fucking joking?

Glaring at them, I spoke with a threatening tone. "Oh hell no, you fucking wouldn't."

"And what? Wait until he hears it from another and cause more trouble?" They shook their head disapprovingly, still looking serious. "I won't wait until that happen, Levi."

Without wasting another minute, they turned their back at me, making their way back to the living room. Not registering it, I stood there in shock until I was able to force my body to move, following behind them.

"Rein. You want to know who Levi's ex is, don't you?" I heard Hanji asked Rein, whose attention is immediately caught. They looked at them calculatingly, brows knitted together.

"I do. And you're going to tell me?" Rein's voice sounded curious, but having a hint of doubt. The serious look on Hanji's face never left, and it's making them look more believable.

"Hanji! Don't you fucking dare!" Rein spared me a glance before returning it to Hanji, patiently waiting for an answer. Hanji didn't pay any attention to me, keeping their eyes on Rein. I stood beside Hanji, my hand gripping their arm hard, telling them not to do it but they ignored it.

"I hope that this wouldn't cause any problem between you and Eren--"

"Wait, what does Eren have anything to do with this?"

"Eren is Levi's ex. They lasted for a few months before some fight happened between them. They broke up right before you arrived."

Silence. There was nothing but silence, but the silence is so suffocating that it made me feel like choking. My breath was lost in my lungs as I stood frozen, my grip on Hanji's hand loosening and my hand falling on my side. Rein looked at me with wide eyes, disbelief the main thing reflecting on it, and I couldn't help but tear my eyes away from him. I felt ashamed and guilty. I wanted to punch myself.

Rein looked so betrayed, and my guilt completely took over me. I knew how that felt. Knows it so fucking well. I was pinned in my place as his amber gaze settled on me, unyielding, and I can feel it burning holes through me. Trying to make sense of what he just heard, looking at me like he's staring right through my soul, seeking for answers to quench the confusion.

"Why... Why didn't you tell me?" I looked up just to see the hurt in his eyes, and even I felt it just by looking at him. I opened my mouth to speak but my words failed me. My throat felt like it closed up and I opted to close my mouth and swallow the lump that formed there.

Hanji placed their hand on my shoulder before excusing themselves, going straight out of my apartment. With them leaving, the air just got tenser than it is before as I feel myself become more subjected to Rein's intense gaze. I looked away from him, turning my eyes to the floor, and I heard some shuffling before I felt him getting closer to me.

I lifted my head just in time to see his hand reaching out to me and instinctively, I stepped back. It didn't help remove the unsettling look on his face. No. Instead, it took it up a notch, making my stomach twist unpleasantly as I mentally berated myself.

"Levi. Answer me."

"I can't." My answer came out fast and curt, my mouth blurting it out without any thought. "I can't, Rein."

"But why? All this time I've been thinking who's the bastard who broke your heart and then I'll discover that it was Eren? Is this a joke?"

His words made it harder for me to breath, my heart being assaulted by the familiar but unwanted pain. His words, his tone, the look on his face are so awfully familiar, for I have said, sounded and looked like that before. I knew how it fucking felt, but instead of being able to easily answer him, my mind shut down. I couldn't think of anything except of how I hated the situation we were in right now.

"Sorry. Rein, I'm so, so, so fucking sorry. I...I just don't want to cause any trouble between you two and--"

"So you thought that hiding this would be so much of a fucking help?" His voice raised as each word rolled out of his tongue, barely keeping in control of his emotions. "I can't fucking believe this. Even Eren didn't bother to tell me a single fucking thing."

He let out a shaky breath, his hands curled into fists, shaking as he tried to reign his emotions. "Goddamn it, Levi."

"I know I'm that I'm a fucking coward, Rein. Blame me all you want. It's your right to do so."

He shook his head and turned on his heel, quickly walking away. I shot my hand out and caught his arm, gripping on it. "Rein..."

"Levi. Let me cool my head off. I need it. I also need to talk to Eren." He said Eren's name in such a blank tone that it made me flinch. He softly tugged his arm away so I let go of it, just watching as he continued walking straight to the door and within a minute, he's gone.

I let out a breath that I wasn't aware I was holding. The door opened again and Hanji walked in, a soft look on their face.

"Sorry, Levi, but it has to be done." She sounded apologetic, so sincere. I shook my head at that, once again running my hand through my hair and pushed my bangs off of my face.

"That's needed to be done. I need to thank you. If not for you, things may actually be worse than that."

She didn't reply. Just kept their eyes on me as I stared at the floor, not moving from my position, my mind mulling over what happened.

What am I supposed to fucking do now?

*****

For days, Rein didn't call nor text. I wasn't able to see him. It's like he was gone off of the surface of the earth, like he didn't even came back or existed in the first place. It just made me more frustrated than I had been before, for now I was worrying about two fucking persons instead of one, whom happens to be twins.

Fuck my life. Why does it has to be so fucking messed up?

I let out another groan as I stretched my back, sore from all of the hours I spent hunched over my desk to study. Leaning back on the chair, I let my head fall back, massaging my temples in an attempt to relieve some of my headache, but it failed.

Feeling my stomach growl, I remembered that I wasn't able to eat anything throughout the day besides my sorry excuse for a breakfast. Deciding not to let myself digest itself, I stood up and took my phone before making my way downstairs to my kitchen.

After checking what my refrigerator has, I decided to just cook some pasta, taking note that I need to do shop for my food and cleaning supply before I run out of it. I started preparing my food, the place heavy with silence that's only being broken by the occasional clanking of utensils. It only took more than half an hour and soon I found myself sitting and eating my dinner alone.

As I ate and scrolled through my phone, a loud knock emanated from the door, instantly catching my attention. Checking my phone to look at the time, I saw that it's already past nine in the evening. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Who would even fucking visit this late?

Setting my phone down the table, I stood up and went to where the door is, checking who the person is through the peep hole that's on my door. My breath was caught in my lungs however when I saw who the person is.

No other than Eren Fucking Yeager.

I pressed my forehead on the door, trying to calm the suddenly erratic beating of my heart. Why the hell is he here? What does he need?

And why the hell am I even acting like this? I thought, mentally punching and cursing myself. I shouldn't let myself get too affected by this bastard.

I did my best to compose myself before I opened the door, keeping my impassive mask on my face. I has been at least two weeks since I last saw him but since then, there's nothing that improved. He still looked just like he did that day, except that the dark bags under his eyes seems to become worse.

I guessed that I stared at him for too long since he raised a brow at me. I didn't react, just leaned on the doorway and crossed my arms over my chest, my voice sounding blank. "What do you need at this time?"

He didn't look like he liked my reaction. I saw something flashed in his eyes, an emotion that was gone before I was able to understand it. He kept his face blank, much like mine, and I wouldn't lie that seeing him like that didn't made my chest tight as if someone's squeezing it.

"I need to talk to you. I think you know about what it is."

I kept my eyes on his face, studying him, before letting out a sigh and stepping back, opening the door for him. "Come in. It's too cold outside."

He went in, mindful to remove his shoes to which I am grateful for, before he took off his coat which I took to hang behind the door. He let me guide him to the living room as if he hasn't been here before, and I ignored the bitter taste it left in my mouth.

So this is how it's gonna be, huh? Acting like we didn't spend all those fucking months together.

He took a seat on the couch adjacent to mine and I noticed how his eyes hold longing deep inside it despite not showing much of it otherwise. Not letting another beat pass, he started the conversation, going straight to the point.

"Rein talked to me." I didn't reply, hoping that he'll catch it as a go to continue. Apparently, he did, since he continued. "He was mad. He demanded answers so I gave it to him. Got a few punches from him before Armin arrived and his boyfriend Erwin stopped him."

"You didn't fight back?"

"Why would I?" He looked at me, as if I just asked a question with an answer that's so painfully obvious. Maybe I did. But I didn't care. "I deserved it. All of it."

"What do you want to talk about?" I knew that that isn't what he wanted to tell me. So I pushed him and got the answer that I need.

"I'm going to stop trying to get back with you. There's just no fucking use and besides..." He paused, his shoulders slouching, and I can perfectly see how fucking tired he was. "I'm tired of fighting for something that wouldn't be mine ever."

In that moment, I can feel my already torn heart break itself into smaller pieces, my life slowly seeping out of my body. This is what I wanted, right? For us to get over with what happened, to forget and move on and act like nothing happened?

Then why does it feel like whole being's being pulverized? Like I was being cut and bathed in acid, a pain so excruciating that I can feel it in every fiber of my being?

I didn't speak, knowing that I couldn't even if I want to. Besides, what am I supposed to fucking say? Tell him not to leave me? That what he's thinking is wrong? I wouldn't do that. Our relationship was fated to crash and burn since the beginning. Saving it would be fucking futile.

It was wrong, and will never be fucking right.

Keeping my head low, I stared at my clasped hands, letting the only word that I was able to form. Just a pathetic and idiotic, "Yeah."

I looked up and stared at his face, still looking handsome despite the changes it had since we broke up. My eyes lingered on his lips, remembering the feel of it against mine, so warm and soft and sweet, before moving to his eyes. His gorgeous eyes that I always found myself getting lost at, now looking so dead and void of any light.

It hurts to see it like that.

He stood up and so did I, both of us not making any word as we walked to the front door. I reached for his coat and gave it to him as he wore his shoes. He didn't say any word. Just silently looked at me, sadness and pain in his eyes as he tried to force out a smile.

I kept my mask on despite the turmoil of emotions inside me. Just watched him take a few steps out, silently following behind him. Before he left, he turned around to look at me once again, then I suddenly felt his arms around me, his face buried in the crook of my neck while my face is resting against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Levi. I'm so fucking sorry." I swallowed the lump formed in my throat and fought back the tears threatening to spill out. He shouldn't see me crying. This is the end. All of these would be soon over. Before pulling away, he whispered those words to me, those words that gave me life before now doing the complete opposite, for I felt myself died as it left his mouth.

"I love you, Levi. I always have."