A/N: This contains SPOILERS for people who didn't read the auction arc in Tokyo Ghoul :Re, or just Tokyo Ghoul altogether and FOUL LANGUAGE. Read at your own risk!

This was requested by @YanskieLuixx, I hope you like it!!

P.-S. The battle in which the reader participates in later in the chapter isn't canon, I just made it up for the sake of the plot. It's happening between the events of the Rose Extermination operation and Rushima, if that's even possible.

You woke up with a start, memories painfully flashing through your head, yet you couldn't remember how you fell asleep, and where you were. The white walls surrounding you weren't helping, either.

You knew this wasn't a hospital, though. Hospitals don't lock up their patients like this. And besides, the alarming lack of clothing on your body told you you weren't in a hospital.

...Were you kidnapped? And by who, exactly?

No, that couldn't be. You could at least recall being with the Quinx squad, and they wouldn't have let you get kidnapped. But would they, really?

You had no idea. You knew absolutely nothing and it was the scariest thing you ever experienced. You had a little idea on how Haise felt now and oh how you felt bad for him.

"I see you've awoken." A male voice speaks, causing you to snap your head towards the door to meet with the man the whole CCG despised.

"Kanou." You grimaced at the taste of his name on your tongue. The disgust you felt for the man made you sick, made you angry. This human, who had the audacity to mess with other human lives and turn them into monsters they never asked to be made into...

Oh, shit.

"What the fuck did you do to me?!" You screeched, noticing you were chained up with what seemed like quinque steel. No. Oh, god no.

The expression on your face must have been obvious, because the sick doctor only chuckled. "A bright one, aren't you? It took your coworkers months before they finally settled in with the truth."

"This is illegal on so many levels." You muttered, too angry to even shout anymore. "I'll fucking kill you once I'm free."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible." Kanou said, looking at you like a child would with a new toy. It was frightening. "After all, I'm not done breaking you yet."

You supressed the shiver going through your spine and let out an animalistic growl, tugging against your restraints. "Who's kagune was it even-"

"The Owl's."

You gagged at the confirmation that there was indeed a ghoul's organ now implanted in your body.

"That's fucking sick!" You seethed. "When Juuzou finds out, he'll-"

"Kill you, won't he?" This man was really trying to get you to give up. "You're dead to the CCG. If you were to go back, they'd kill you."

"They didn't kill Haise, and he's a half ghoul." You countered.

"But he's been brainwashed and broken, just like how you will be."

"If I wake up with white hair you can be assured that I will personally murder you." You warned.

"Better get in line." The doctor chuckled, stepping forwards.

"Don't fucking approach me!"

Your threats seemed to bounce off him as Kanou walked towards you, pulling out a needle from behind his back and stabbing it into your eye, causing you to howl out in pain before passing out from what ever he had just injected into you.

••••

"Another Owl? That man needs to calm down." The purple haired teen sighs, looking you up and down while you stood still. "Your name?"

"(L/N) (Y/N)." You answered monotonously. He didn't interest you, therefore you just wanted him out of your sight.

The teen gave you a slight glare. "Weren't you in the CCG?" He said, suspiciously.

"Until I got kidnapped and turned into this mess." You said, pointing a finger to your face. You didn't want to say more than needed.

"Kanou's gotta stop making ghouls out of CCG investigators." He sighed, turning his back towards you. That might have been a bad idea if you were planning on killing him. He was lucky you had no such interests at the moment. "You can leave, I'll update Tatara. Just stay within the base. We've got an ambush coming up and you might be needed for it."

You nodded before heading out of the room silently. It's not like you wanted to be silent. It was more like a question of safety. With Kanou, the more silent and obedient you were, the less painful the process was. You had learnt that the hard way. Now that you 'graduated', you just sort of had a habit of not talking much, out of sheer fear that you will get punished after one wrong word or move, making you seem like a cold hearted bitch.

Once out of earshot, you sighed and glanced down at your now black fingernails which made a huge contrast with how your skin had paled up. From what you remembered, your face had a similar contrast, black lips and eyelids (which had both darkened due to the amount of times Kanou had ripped them off for different reasons) and snow white hair. It was just a reminder of what would happen if you were to try and break out of your safety habit.

Every time you came across a mirror, you couldn't help but notice how much you looked like him. Which made you wonder where your former best friend was right now. He was affiliated with Aogiri too, right? Though you doubted the two of you would get along now, you still wanted to know what had happened after walking with the quinx squad, and something in you told you he knew. Besides, Kanou kept bringing him up. Yet, you still couldn't remember enough and getting toyed with for months on end didn't help the matter.

You discarded your hopes. You should know better. The happy days were gone, you maxed them out. All that was left right now was despair and death. Only negative things would come now, you were well aware, so you might as well stop thinking about such naïve things.

••••

You calmly sat in the tree you were assigned to, as still as an image. If someone were to look your way, they probably wouldn't see you with how dark it was and how unmoving you were. The distant screams of people dying seemed to calm you further more, which in your case was a bad thing. You loved fighting when agitated. The fuzziness and dizziness it brought was at least a bit fun, it helped you kill with more ease, and you could always blame your mental state for murdering both humans and ghouls at that time. And let's not forget the bonus that is getting to be loud for once without getting punished.

You saw three figures running towards your hide out, one of them obviously an Aogiri ghoul. The two others were probably investigators you were ordered to kill. What a smart little tactic, luring out only a few investigators at a time and leaving them to a stronger ghoul who was hidden up in the trees. You forced down a loud fit of giggles and watched as they approached you, the ghoul running away even faster when it approached your tree.

You jumped down at last, the fall breaking your right leg. Not for long, though, since it healed back up in mere instants. "Aw, two little doves, lost in the woods full of big bad crows." You cooed, finally letting that ominous laugh echo through the dense forest.

Being on the ground, you finally took in the investigators' apparences, the idea that you might be killing former coworkers finally entering your deranged mind.

Even in the dark, it wasn't hard to see who it was and if the contrast in height between the two wasn't enough, the large scythe-like weapon that the smaller boy was now lowering was more than enough of a clue.

"Suzuya-senpai, what are you doing?" Hanbee whisper-yelled, anxious at how his mentor seemed to have brought down his guard.

The raven haired boy simply ignored him, staring at you with wide eyes. "(Y/N)..?" He asked, unsure if he really wanted to know who the person in front of him was.

"Hey, sweetheart." You said, smirking. Months ago, hearing you call him that would bring him joy and make his heart swell with his love for you, but feeling it do the same right now made him sick. What had happened to you? And more importantly, how were you alive?

"What happened?" He asked, flabbergasted.

"Here, I'll give ya an example!" You exclaimed, launching towards him with a feral grin stuck on your face. You had no idea how it actually went, but it was an excuse to attack him, so why not? "It went a little like this." You aimed to kick his neck but instead was blocked by not the boy himself, but Abara.

"Aye, ya got better!" You giggled, turning your attention to the tall man instead. "You'd usually be cowering in front of ghouls above an A+ rating!" Your right fist collided with his side sending him tumbling down a few meters away.

"Boop!" You squealed, holding back more laughter as you brutally crushed the man's quinque with your foot. "How about I boop your face, now?"

Hanbee started crawling in the opposite direction, but you gained distance faster than he was adding, so you had your foot on his chest soon, sandal painfully digging into his ribcage as you leaned down to look at him. "It was a good fight, albeit it lasted for like four seconds, I appreciate the effort, Hanbee. Here, I won't kill ya with my hands in exchange." You said, slipping off the hood you were wearing, showing a battle suit that resembled Takizawa's way too much in your opinion.

Before you could let the kagune rip out from your back, a knife lodged itself in your spine, causing you to straighten your back, face palming. "How could I have forgotten my sweet Juuzou?" You wondered, looking behind your shoulder to stare at your ex with a hungry, nearly lustful gaze. "Out of your little denial trance yet, dear?"

"Don't hurt him." He muttered, barely managing eye contact with you. It hurt him so much to see what had happened to you, it hurt him to know that it was his fault you were like this. If only he let you come with his squad, where he could protect you instead...

••••

"What..?" Juuzou breathed, looking at Haise with wide, fearful eyes. He knew you didn't show up right away after the operation, but some people did that, right? You were okay, right? Haise must be in some kind of delusive state from his fight with the Owl, right? You promised you wouldn't leave!

"I'm sorry... " The pudding head said in an apologetic tone. "Takizawa took her away before any of us could get to her..."

"Couldn't you just have avoided it all by calling a medic squad when she first got hurt by him?" Suzuya said, freakishly calm for someone who learned their partner had gotten killed. Shirazu and Saiko cowered in fear behind their brave mentor.

"She looked dead, we didn't think she could have lived through it... And we forgot..."

That was it, that snapped him.

"So you left her corpse to bleed out and get eaten by those monsters?! What kind of person would do that to someone? To a friend, no less!" The raven haired male yelled, causing everyone in the room to flinch.

"I'm really, really sorry, Suzuya..."

"Apologizing won't do anything so stop it!" He screeched, eyes brimming with tears. He never thought he'd get upset about someone's death before for nineteen years and now had been proven wrong twice in less than three. "I have nothing left because of you!"

The tightening in his chest hurt, he felt like he'd suffocate anytime soon. Not that he'd mind, if it meant he'd die. He looked down as his tears slid down his cheeks, shoulders tensing every so often as silent sobs. His hands instinctively went to his face, sobbing into his hands, not caring that his whole squad and the Quinx squad were all watching him.

"Suzuya-"

Juuzou's head snapped up at Haise's annoyingly apologetic voice. Was he ever going to stop?

"Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear you speak to me out of work purposes ever again." He growled before turning his back on the half ghoul and walking away. Yes, that man had always been nothing but kind to him, and Juuzou used to relate to him, but Haise did the unforgivable and Suzuya was determined on baring the grudge for as long as he lived.

Because of the man, he had lost one of the things he cherished most.

••••

"Oi, you gonna say anything before I kill you?" You asked, digging your foot into the man's stomach even more. "C'mon, even my fantasies about this were better." You pushed as Juuzou seemed to gain consciousness again. What happened?

The man gazed into your barely recognizable eyes, searching for a glimpse of the joy and love that used to glow in them. He found nothing. He found no traces of your past self, like you had been completely erased. He knew you weren't, though, because you knew who he was and who Hanbee was, but that made things just worst.

It meant you had gotten into this partially willing. If you hadn't, you wouldn't remember him. If you had fought back, they would have brainwashed you completely, and he knew you'd hate that even more than your current situation. Because living in despair and living in despair but with good memories are two completely different things, the latter being more bearable.

It stung though, no matter how much he was trying to be optimistic about it, it hurt to see what they did to you, how much they hurt you. He wondered what you thought of him now. He was unable to help you back then... Did you resent him?

You had every right to hate him, to despise him, you had every right to kill him.

You pouted, black lips shimmering in the darkness. "Really? No 'I hate you's or 'How can you do this to me's? Come on, I'm a tough girl, I can handle a little angst. Or is it that you can't?"

Juuzou looked at you once more. You had every right to kill him, and if you weren't crushing him with your foot right now, alive and breathing, he might have asked you to actually do it, but you were there, ghoul or not.

Your love for him used to be an unconditional one. From loving an odd guy like him to staying by his side after loosing both his mentor and his leg, determined to help him as much as you could. Even if you despised his guts right now, he couldn't deny the fact that he still loved you. How could he return your once unconditional love if he were dead?

Suzuya couldn't attempt to filter his words before they escaped his mouth in something like a whimper.

"Please, please don't kill me."

You weren't sure if you were more surprised by his unexpected words or the feeling of something snapping into place in your brain.

What were you doing? Did you seriously give into what Kanou had done to you? Were you really so weak?

You remained unmoving above your lover, eyes darting around the forest as you were attempting to think of what would be the best course of action with your newfound sanity. Kill them both and forget about it? Go with them and risk both your death and extreme punishment for Juuzou and Hanbee? Run away?

Run away it is.

You quickly jerked forwards, but before you could bolt out of there, you felt a sharp object enter your back, causing you to gasp and fall to the ground beside Juuzou.

"Hanbee!" Suzuya exclaimed, his eyes then landing on your bleeding for. "She wasn't going to hurt me!"

"I-I... She moved and I panicked, I'm s-"

"Don't even try to say that word." Juuzou growled. He heard it too often, he hated it. "Now stop standing there and help me carry her!"

Shit, they can't. If they carried you back, you'd get killed. You'd be seen as a threat. Or worse, you'll end up a pudding head like Sasaki, and you won't remember anything, you won't know anything, which is literally the scariest thing in existence.

You attempted to crawl away before a hand set itself on your shoulder.

"It's alright, we won't hurt you like they did." Juuzou spoke sweetly as you shook your head. "Don't be scared, I promise you won't be hurt. You'll be alright."

"N-"

"Leave her alone."

Well, here goes a little friend reunion.

Turning around, you spotted a head of white hair with a little cowlick standing on the back of the head.

"Seidou..." You whimpered. He was going to hurt them, you knew it. He had that look on his face, one you saw once before, that one time a ghoul hurt you in combat.

The ghoul stomped forwards until Juuzou left your side, taking his quinque from Hanbee, which still had a bit of your blood on it, and prepared himself for combat.

"Don't hurt him..." You pleaded, unsure of who you were talking of.

Takizawa didn't even give Juuzou a chance. He immediately struck him with his kagune, effectively knocking the investigator off his feet and flying meters back. He did the same to the unarmed Hanbee before kneeling at your side, scooping up your now half conscious form and bolting out of there.

The last thing you though of was how you hoped Juuzou and Hanbee wouldn't tell anyone before passing out, even though you really didn't want to pass out in the arms of someone as unstable as Seidou.

••••

You groaned as you woke up, rubbing your forehead.

"Finally." A male voice groaned a few meters to your left, causing you to crane your neck to see who it was. "I thought ya were gonna go into a coma or somethin'. I can't really help heal shit like that."

You furrowed your brows at his words. Heal?

You glanced down at the now invisible wound on your side. "Huh." You huffed.

"That's all I get?" The half ghoul asked. "I save your life and spare your boyfriend and all I get is a 'huh'?"

You rolled your eyes. Even though he changed, he still seemed the same, somehow. Oh god, how you had missed your best friend. "Well, whadya want? Wanna eat me?" You proposed. You knew he cannibalized on ghouls occasionally, but you sort of hoped he wouldn't do that to you... It was just a joke. A misplaced joke.

"Eat you out, yeah I wouldn't mind-"

"That's a major fuck no." You cut off. He became quite bold, hadn't he?

"Then could you forgive me and forget what I did?" He asked, becoming oddly calm.

"What, save me? Why would I forget you saving my life? If anything, I owe you." You answered, confused.

"Don't fuck with me, (Y/N). Believe it or not, I feel bad about it." Seidou frowned while you just furrowed your eyebrows.

"I'm not kidding, what ever you're talking about, I don't remember."

"You don't remember the auction? I nearly killed you. I attacked you and left you barely alive to fight the Sasaki-Kaneki guy." He explained. "Not to mention I may or may not have brought you to Kanou in an attempt to save you..."

Your mouth fell open at his confession. Yeah, your memories still weren't coming back, and you had a feeling they never would, but still, if he was telling the truth, shit. He was the cause of your suffering.

"I... It's thanks to you that I'm still living this fucked up life.." You muttered, still trying to piece together just how much of your life was fucked up.

"I'm sorry, you probably would have been better off dead." Well, that sounded more like an insult...