A/N: You have been warned, this is more of a crack fic than an actual one shot, although there's a bit of Arima x reader at the end.

Warning, there's a lot of FOUL LANGUAGE and OFFENSIVE JOKES, because this is Cards Against Humanity, damn it.

"Alright! Listen up fuckers!" You exclaimed, instantly gaining the squad's and Arima's attention. "I got this game, and we're gonna play it." You pulled out the small, black box entitled Cards Against Humanity.

Upon seeing it, Shirazu snorted. At least someone knew what this was.

"And why, exactly?" Urie asked, eyeing you suspiciously.

"Because we're a family, damn it!" You answered. "Now get your asses here and let's play the best game this world has ever seen."

Everyone decided to obey your orders before you got angry, but you soon noticed that Urie had other plans.

"I hid your painting equipment." You threatened. "If you don't sit your pretty ass down at this table this instant, Urie Kuki, it's gone forever."

Urie glared at you before settling down at the table, crossing his arms and regarding you with disdain. You simply smiled and took the cards out of the pack.

"This is called Cards Against Humanity." You started. "In this game, the goal is to use these white cards to fill in the blanks placed in the black cards. You don't tell us who put what card, and the person that's 'it' has to chose which card is the funniest, the most offensive, or just their favourite answer. Questions?"

No one answered, so you took that as a no and gave everyone seven white cards, placing the rest on the table, next to the stack of black cards. "After the person chooses the best card, you all take another white card to make sure you always have seven cards. If you win a round, you'll receive the black card, and the first one with... eight black cards win."

Saiko glanced at her cards briefly before snorting out loud, making you smirk. "Yeah, it's like that." You smugly said, looking around for reactions. Shirazu was smirking, Mutsuki looked really pale, Arima was completely relaxed, Urie was unamused and Haise looked like he was just told his puns suck. This was going to be great.

And it was.

"Instead of coal, Santa gives blank to naughty children." You said out loud, placing down the black card and watching as everyone frantically searched in their hands for the best answer they could think of. Within thirty seconds, you had seven white cards sitting in front of you, which you picked up and shuffled around before looking at the first one.

"Instead of coal, Santa gives sex tourism to naughty children." You said, cracking a smile and placing the card down.

"Instead of coal, Santa gives radical Islamic terrorism to naughty children... Oh my god." You gaped, feeling horrible for laughing at such an awful thing.

"Instead of coal, Santa gives--" You leaned forwards, wheezing, snorting and giggling at the card in front of you, earning smiles all around the table. They were all curious to hear what the card was saying. "Santa..." You attempted to stop your annoying giggling. "Santa gives dead parents to naughty children."

You eyed Mutsuki for a small while, before deciding to stop because that was terribly rude, yet he seemed to have caught onto your stare.

"I have a feeling Santa's a ghoul." He spoke, making you mutter out an 'oh!' of surprise. You thought about it, but you never imagined he'd actually use his family's death as a joke...

"Holy shit..." Saiko gasped, also impressed by Tooru's words.

"Just go on!" Shirazu pleaded.

"Okay, okay..." You answered, picking up the remaining white cards. "Instead of coal, Santa gives The Holy Bible to naughty children." You chuckled at that one for sure.

"Instead of coal, Santa gives my fat daughter to naughty children."

"Instead of coal, Santa gives The Asshole Destroyer 3000 to naughty children." Urie actually wheezed at that one, and so did you. "I can't believe we're laughing at pedophilia!" You managed to squeeze out in your fit of laughter, which lasted for a good three minutes.

"Okay, okay, last one." You said once you calmed down. "Instead of coal, Santa gives little boy penises to naughty children. Holy shit you guys!"

You choked down your laughter. "Some of you are really fucked up!" You jokingly scolded. "But... I have to go with dead parents."

Mutsuki extended his hand, a smirk on his face. "I learned from experience."

You lost your shit. You completely lost it right there and then, going into hysteria, forgetting the fact that you should feel really guilty from laughing at this poor boy's traumatic past. At least, you weren't the only one laughing.

Shirazu was actually about to piss himself and Saiko was on the floor crying. Hell, even Urie was giggling like a little bitch while Mutsuki just looked really satisfied with his effect on everyone.

You slid the black card to him-- his third, actually, he was surprisingly really good-- while the rest of you were trying to calm down and behave. Nothing like that happened for a good five minutes.

"Can I just know who put in The Asshole Destroyer 3000?" You asked once you had all calmed down. Much to your surprise, Arima raised his hand. "You fucked up man." You mumbled, incredulous.

"Okay, but who put the little boy penises one?" Shirazu asked. "No fucking way!" He exclaimed once Haise's hand was above his head.

"You guys are so fucked up, and you're supposed to be our superiors!" You said, absolutely hysteric by now. Why did you never see this side of them before?

The game went on for another thirty minutes after that, and you had suggested many more, which not even Urie declined (you were super proud of that fact).

"Alright, last one." Shirazu said, turning the last two white cards over. "Pornography was made illegal when..." His smile faltered for a while. "Holy shit."

"Read it, bitch!" You encouraged. It was between you and Mutsuki now. If you had this one, you'd win. If he had this card, he'd win and most likely rub it in your face.

"When (Y/N) and Arima fucked." He finally read, grimacing at the thought.

"Did someone seriously use a blank card for that?" You deadpanned.

"I'm sorry guys, but this one wins." Shirazu said, waving the two cards with your and Arima's names on it. "That's the grossest thing I had to imagine."

"Yes!" Mutsuki exclaimed, jumping out of his seat and making you groan in defeat. "It's my third game!"

"You're so good, Mucchan!" Saiko complained. "What the hell?!"

"The trick is to not think of what you'd find funny, but what the person reading would find funny!" He said, before pointing to you. "Take notes, (Y/N)!"

"Shut your trap before I choke you with your eyepatch. Arima and I wouldn't be gross if we fucked!" You whined, looking at the white haired male for back up. None was given. "We wouldn't be gross." You repeated.

"Yeah, sorry, you would." Shirazu apologetically said.

"We wouldn't!"

"Sorry (Y/N)-chan... I agree with Shiragin and Mucchan." Saiko said.

You glanced at Haise, who looked as apologetic as his two subordinate. That little shit thinks so too...

"What can I do to prove ya'll are wrong?" You asked, turning to Shirazu. "Because you are wrong."

"Kiss him, and we'll judge!" Saiko excitedly said. "If it's gross, we'll tell you, if not... We'll admit that we were wrong."

You glanced at Arima, who was as calm as always, save for his slightly faster breathing pattern. So he did have emotions after all...

"Why would I want you guys watching me make out with a guy?" You asked, cringing at the thought.

"Because then you could attempt--emphasis on attempt-- to prove us wrong." Mutsuki answered. Since when was this shy motherfucker so cocky?

You hesitantly glanced at the three before your eyes landed on Urie who was listening to the debate. You two locked gazes for a while. If he rolled his eyes, you wouldn't do it. If he didn't...

"Get that Arimass." The squad leader muttered, shocking you greatly. Where the hell was your actual squad? Who the hell were these doppelgangers?

Well, if Urie was actually interested in this...

You turned towards Arima before getting up and extending a hand towards him, silently asking for consent.

"Why the hell are you two getting up?" Shirazu asked as the Special Class investigator took your hand, shocking everyone in the room.

You dragged Arima away from the table, looking at Shirazu to answer his question. "So I can do this."

Turning towards the man towering above you, you quickly wrapped your hands around his neck and tugged him down, pushing your lips against his and backing him up against the wall where you pressed your body against his.

Soon after the initial shock, Arima finally made use of his hands and placed them on your back to press you closer to him, furiously attempting to keep up with your quick, passionate pace.

You tugged on his lower lip before diving back in and darting your tongue out, asking for entrance which the male granted. The two of you fought for dominance until Arima eventually won, deciding to explore your mouth instead.

You were only brought back to reality once the burning desire for air settling in your lungs and you pulled away, gasping and panting.

"Holy fuck." Shirazu squeaked out as you slowly let your arms fall to your side, turning around and feeling a smug smile settle on your face at the five fascinated expressions staring at you.

"Proved you wrong?" You teasingly asked.

Shirazu nodded feverishly, a dark red blush settling on his face while Mutsuki simply stared at the two of you, mouth wide open until Saiko was nice enough to close it for him before 'he catches flies', like she said.

Haise looked slightly disgusted, which you understood. He did just watch his father figure make out with one of the quinx he considered his own child...

You decided to ignore the pride welling up inside of you and start putting away the offensive game you were all playing mere moments ago, ignoring the way everyone looked at you like you had just murdered someone in cold blood.

Before you could leave though, Arima grabbed your arm and bent down to your level to mutter out a hopeful "Please tell me this isn't a one time thing."

You thought a bit before looking at him and nodding.

"No worries, we'll play Cards Against Humanity again."