Will seemed happy. To his friends, family and colleagues at least. All the children in his department of the hospital loved him. He was known as the nicest, funniest and cheeriest doctor in child-oncology.

The truth was far from there. Will had finished high school early, having a photographic memory, and went to medical school. Within 2 years he was allowed to graduate, and become an official doctor. This resulted in him experiencing more death and sadness then anyone of his age should experience.

At the age of 19 he had started at the oncology department of a big hospital. Three months later he got assigned his first 'personal' patient. A three year old child, Lisa, who got diagnosed with leukaemia. She was sweet, and loved unicorns and the colour pink. That's what she told Will the first time they met. As the disease started to affect her more and more, she lost a gleam in her eyes, and became sad. A year after she started treatment, Will had to bring her and her parents the news that the cancer had got ahead of their abilities, and that they couldn't do anymore for Lisa then make her feel less pain. She passed away three months later.

Will had promised her that she'd get better, and he hadn't kept the promise. Every time he lost a patient, he felt like he betrayed the person, because he was responsible for their life, and failed to save it. He was far too young to loose so many people.

During his time in collage he'd met a boy of the same age as him. His roommate. Nico, from Italy, had the exceptional talent of memorising everything he heard or saw. This resulted in a similar situation as Will, graduating school at an early age. In Italy there hadn't been a good college for Nico to attend, so he moved to America and attended college there. He studied for pathologist, someone who does research on dead people, to find their cause of death. This interesting choice of study, was caused by a childhood story. His mother had turned up dead when Nico was 6, and his sister 8. They could never determine the cause of death, so the family never got closure. Then, when Nico was 10, his sister died, and everything was repeated. He wanted no one to ever feel this, so made it his personal goal to give everyone who lost somebody closure.

Will and Nico got along easily. They had similar interests, although their personalities couldn't clash more. From roommates, to friends, to best friends, their relationship went smoothly. Will and Nico shared everything, apart from one thing on Will's side. A secret he'd never share, if it was up to him.

See, so many deaths and failing so many times, in Will's opinion, wasn't good for anyone's mental health. It didn't help that Will had once stood on the side of the helpless family, seeing his older brother slowly getting taken away by cancer. His young age didn't make it any better. At the age of 23, you were supposed to be in college, partying, not working day to night, grieving about people you barely know.

Will fell into depression, but not the kind that shows. The kind that's only in your head. Nobody will notice it, but the demons slowly eat you from the inside. The only visible sign of his inner demons, were the scars.

They were all over his arms, small, big, deep, shallow. Almost faded, or still fresh and red. Hidden beneath the sleeves of his doctor's coat, beneath the sleeves of shirts, just so that no-one would see the scars on his arms, would question if he really was as happy as they thought he was.

In the winter, and at work, it was easily dismissed. He had to wear his coat whenever he was working a shift, and all winter long he wore jumpers or long sleeved shirts. The summer was a different story. Will never went swimming with his friends, although he used to love it. It could be 40 degrees () and he would still wear long sleeves.

Will thought he pulled it off. Lying that he had too much work to attend to go swimming, making excuses for wearing long sleeves in high summer.

It was a particular hot summer. All of August the temperature hadn't dropped below 25 degrees, even at night. During Will's break, he and Nico were sat in the cafeteria. A child, a patient of Will, ran up to them.

"Mister Will, why are you wearing a coat inside?" Will smiled at the girl. She was slowly recovering, and the chemo was working well.

"That's so everyone recognizes that I'm a doctor, Olivia." The girl smiled a toothy grin, and ran back to her mother who was patiently awaiting her return.

Nico had watched the exchange unfold, a fond smile playing at his lips. Will's interaction with children was like watching magic. They believed every word he said, did everything he asked them to do. But he never, ever took advantage of this situation. He cared for each of the children in his department, as if they were his own.

"She has a point. I mean, I know we're supposed to wear them right now, I know, but when our shifts end, we should go swimming. And no excuses Will. I know you have a week off starting tomorrow, you told me yesterday. My shift ends at 5. Then we'll go to the lake."

Will couldn't get around it. Nico had him in a corner. The lake was where they went when they graduated. It was their place. The source of their friendship. He had to go with Nico. "Okay, but before we go to the lake, we have to go to the flat, to drop of our coats, and get our stuff, okay."

Nico smiled, obviously pleased with his accomplishment, and stood up. "Time to be with the dead again." It was his way of saying that he was going back to work. Will stood, gathered his things, and left the cafeteria.

A few hours later, Will left his office, bag in one hand, and car keys in the other. He had ended his shift a little early, so he could maybe come up with a way to get out of swimming. But before he could take a seat on the benches just outside, he bumped into Nico.

"Hey Will, I was just going to get you from your office. We finished early with todays work." As they walked back to the car, a comfortable silence fell over them, which was quite usual to the two friends. They didn't need words to keep each other company, just the other.

When they arrived at their shared flat, Nico dropped his bag on the ground. "Meet me back here in 10." With that he disappeared, only to come back to say: "thanks for agreeing. You know, today is our friend-anniversary, I'd really like to spend it with you Will."

The words stung. They were friends, sure, but to think he might ruin their friendship today, because he couldn't handle death while he worked in a hospital. Will sighed, walking into his room. He took off his coat and hung it in his closet. His swimming trunks were in a corner of the closet, almost as if they were trying to hide, so they wouldn't be used.

To tell the truth, Will had done that, so he wouldn't have to look at them every time he opened his closet, in fear of the temptation being too strong. Now he reluctantly pulled them towards his body.

Surprisingly they still fitted. Will slipped on a long-sleeved shirt again, and left his room, but not before taking his phone. He walked to the door where Nico was impatiently waiting, like an excited child. A black backpack was slung over his shoulder, and he clutched a basket filled with snacks in his hand.

It was an inside joke between the two of them. Every year they would take a picnic, and go somewhere for their anniversary.

*

"You can already dive in, I'll unpack the food, Nico." Will smiled at his friend, who, the closer they'd gotten to the water, had started to resemble a 5 year old more and more. The Raven haired nobbed, and ran off the water splashing up around him, almost like a movie.

As slow as he could, he unpacked everything. He was picking up the strawberries, when he heard his phone ring. It was the ringtone he dreaded most. His work ringtone.

"This is doctor Solace."

"Will, I have some bad news. Ten minutes after you left, Selina collapsed. The Leukaemia has spread too far, she's in a coma. Her parents have given consent to take her of life-support, but I need your approval, as you are on her case."

Will knew what was coming when he got the call, but it still hit him hard. Selina was finally recovering, after being in chemo for two years. He had told her just this morning that she might be able to leave soon, and go visit her boyfriend Charlie. She'd looked so happy, relieved that she'd finally be able to leave, and return to living her life as a (mostly) normal teenager. But that was all too good to be true, and against all odds, the cancer had spread in the one way they hadn't anticipated, the one place they hadn't kept an eye on.

"If the parents have given consent, then I give it too. Selina asked me in the beginning if I wouldn't let her suffer any longer then needed. You're in control of rounding everything up Kayla. But please make sure that her boyfriend gets the message of her passing quickly."

He ended the call quickly, before he could hear any more. He'd failed once again.

He'd given someone false hope.

He had missed the possibilities of what could happen.

He'd gotten his own hopes up once more.

Will stood up, and advanced towards the water, dazed by the news. He didn't take of his shirt before he walked into the clear blue lake that spread in front of him.

Useless

Unworthy of the title of doctor

The words bounced around in his head as he kept walking, the water already up to his chest, and slowly rising.

The water touched his chin, for just a second Will hesitated, before he continued, letting himself be taken by the water.

The blue water swallowed him. The cold was almost relieving. Down here, nothing could reach you, nothing could be disappointed by him again.

His lungs screamed for air. He wasn't going to disappoint them. He opened his mouth, only to be greeted by cold liquid, and not the oxygen he was craving.

The blue darkened, and slowly faded to black.

*

"Please wake up. Will, please!"

The words were hard to make out, muffled by something. Slowly the voice rang clearer, as Will regained consciousness. He opened his eyes, and as Nico hugging, while he laid on the grass near the water's edge. He lifted his hand, and laid it on the Italian's back.

A gasp resonated trough him, and Nico shot up. "Will, you're alive. Thank the gods. Why'd did you it. All of it. I thought you were happy. You should have told me that you felt. I could've helped you. Hell I still can. Now you listen to me. No protest. Give me thirty days. Then I'll give you thirty reason to live. Okay? One month, can you do it? If not from yourself, then for me. Please. I can't live without you by my side."

Will nodded. Seeing Nico so broken and pure, made him feel guilty. He had to try, for Nico's sake.

*

The first day Nico walked into Will's room at 4 am.

"Look outside for the first reason."

Will stood up, still half asleep, and looked out the window overlooking New York. The sun had just started to rise. Lighting up the city in soft pinks and purples.

"The sunshine. If you're not here anymore, you wouldn't be able to see it any more. Enjoy those moments, just before the world wakes."

*

The next day he did the same only at 11 PM at night.

"Sunset. You wouldn't be able to witness the end of the day, and the start of a new one, if you weren't here anymore."

*

Day 3: the moon

Day 4: the stars

Day 5: the sun in general

Day 6: coffee

Day 7: chocolate

Day 8: dogs

Day 9: music

Day 10: books

Day 11: pancakes

Day 12: cats

Day 13: pictures

Day 14: trees

Day 15: rivers

Day 16: sleep

Day 17: movies

Day 18: shoes ("because your shoes are amazing and they would go to waste)

Day 19: sandwiches

Day 20: gaming

Day 21: rain

Day 22: snow

Day 23: flowers

Day 24: swimming

Day 25: cake

The reason were silly sometimes, but all had underlying meanings. Will treasured every reason, and wrote them down in a notepad, with as title '30 reasons to live'. Whenever he felt sad, or the demons were trying to take over again, he'd take out the note, and look at it.

On day 26 Nico came into his room carrying a box with holes in it. "Your next reason is Norris." "Who the heck is Norris Nico?"

Nico lifted the bow and placed it on Will's lap. "Your new kitten. You now have a life to look after, someone to be with even when I'm not around. Take good care of him, he came into the shelter very harmed."

In the box was a small kitten, curled up in a ball, sleeping soundly. The fur was midnight black, with white paws. The kitten woke, and looked around him, before locking his green eyes with Will's.

"Hey Norris, welcome to your new home."

Day 27: friends. This reason shocked Will at first, but then he realised. If he left he would be leaving behind so many people that cared about him

Day 28: family. Will's mother was visiting, and when Nico and Will were in the kitchen alone, Nico dropped the words. His mother had already lost to sons, Will was all she had left.

*

The next day Nico and Will were free, and they spent the entire day watching movies. After the ordered pizza arrived, they jokily put on Twilight, to laugh at Bella and her weird behaviour. They were cuddled up close together, it was normal for them, a sign of comfort.

As Bella stammered out 'I love you' Nico turned to Will.

"That is the 29th reason."

"What? Terrible movies with sparkling vampires?"

"No, love. Love for anything, anyone. The feeling of loving, and being loved."

Will hugged Nico even closer, and put his face in the other's neck. "I'll write that down then."

*

On the 30and last day, Nico barely spoke to Will. He was working on an emergency case, and had been since 7 AM. Will was craving Nico's last reason. He wanted to know what type of silly reason he'd made up this time.

When they finally spoke, they were already back home, waiting for their food to arrive. Nico turned to Will and smiled nervously at him.

"I still have to give you your last reason. Live for me. I love you. I wouldn't be able to live without you. I can't even phantom it."

With these words he smashed his lips on Will's. The kiss was immediately answered. It was slow, soft, and full of love.

The demons in Will's head were slowly shrinking, and losing the battle. The light Nico turned on his head, had driven away the shadows, to reveal the beauty of the light.