Been on vacation in europe, finding a new job, and moving, all in the span of two months. so its been an extremely exhausting period! I had to read this story and do this smashing on the plane just to find the two minutes to do this!

Dont have time for memes and a lot of humor this time because of that and doing this on my phone on a plane. How does Siber write this way???

I read 24 chapters out of 52? I feel i hit halfway and got a decent idea. At the very least if you get furthering than me than you are probably hooked!

Tldr; A romance of two broken homosexuals trying to find their place literally, emotionally, geographically, philosophically, etc.

Overall Id rate it 2 smashing out of 5. Its weaknesses outweigh its strengths.

Main characters - mixed bag - There are two MCs. Burnboy and blindboy. Easy to figure out a bit if what their deal is. Their emotions are expressed well and colorfully. Much to the author's credit i had my doubts going in because writing a blind MC is extremely difficult to do even for professionals, but she handled it... 90% fine. Which impressed me greatly. I loved how his scenes were written just because of how the blindness was handled in what information was given and how. (Remaining 10% is like how would a born-blind person know what color is or be able to visualize a smile from tone alone? Might be ignorance in my part not actually knowing anyone blind, but i thought this odd. Easily ignored though.) blindboy also takes some challenges and makes choices on values so i liked him. Burnboy though, i found to hold the story back. Burnboys entire plot narrative was on an endless repeat chapter after chapter with no change. This permanently set him back in the story pacing as a character so while blindboy went on to further acts in his growth, burnboy is still back in act1. He never left chapter 1. Individually, sure, i dont mind him. Some people change at different paces. I know this, im autistic myself. But the story is a romance first and foremost which means its about chemistry, its about all MCs carrying their weight in the story whether by causing drama or solving it, and burnboy is so far behind in his character growth yet too inactive to start conflict by which he might grow that i found he fell to being a mere SC in his own story. There is some attempt to grow him with a backstory, but when a sad story is the only true meaningful growth a guy has rather than present conflict, then he only becomes a person to be pitied. The guy with scars that can do things easily is far more pitiful than the guy who is trapped in a room all day like a pet, and thats sad. Not to mention there is no antagonist MC. Hell im not even sure there is an antagonist SC?!

Side Characters -mixed bag- which brings me to the SCs. A major source of early tension comes from Darwin Daddy and Phobic Mommy. Their individual philosophies expressed as the same. At first it was great. It gave the MCs proper things to bounce off. But i dont know if they are antagonist or what they are! 1) rather than rival or hinder the MCs, they wind up actually helping them by bringing them together in a normal way that benefits them a lot. 2) these so called antagonists do absolutely nothing, zada, nilch, after the first fiveish chapters even after half the story has passed. So... whats the point of the tension to begin with? Its just hot air. They have seemingly no importance but to be an explanation for backstory and background information. There was another SC briefly in thomas and he offered blindboy growth, but this was a 1-2 chspter arc and did nothing for burnboy. So yeah... not much in the way of side characters. No one to get them out if their comfort zones or give them variety, and this hinders the MCs a lot in very very VERY quickly making them stale.

Grammar - No rating - the author is not a native english speaker and so the grammar will not be rated nor affect the overall stance. Unofficially i must say i am impressed as it was easily readable with little to no effort, and the quality only improved over time. though it should be brought to an editor before official publishing because while the sentences are technically correct, it doesnt sound natural. An editor would help smooth it out for optimal readability. :)

World building - meh - the story lacks strong side characters to offer world building and there isnt much WB beyond them either. I can understand this from the blindboy chapters, if anything i loved that PoV the most, but the other half of the chapters failed to offer good world building. There was some, but it was just, again, an endless repeat of the sane thing. It is consistent, ill give it that. This story tries to portray the whole world, and especially anyone christian, as darwinistic homophobic psychopaths that belong in gotham insane asylum. Which, realistically, is complete bullshit, but thats the PoV. beyond this endlessly repeating narrative of the world and the lack of SCs and two MCs whose list of interactions dont range much beyond meaningless small talk and kissing, then i am really not sure what world building there is.

Plot - tries so hard - i will give the author props for attempting a complex layer of multiple plot types and almost managing. Almost. Unfortunately it is in the details and execution.

You start off with darwin daddy and psycho mom with their mutual MC kids. Daddy hires blind boy to work for him. The two MCs meet, they talk about how much their life sucks, and decide to leave. So begins a combination of a dual-hero journey and a romance. Both kind of plots require their own unique structure and story strengths. Its not impossible to handle both as they are not mutually exclusive but it is necessary to know whet is needed.

A hero's journey requires a strong antagonist. There must be constant presence, tension, and conflict so as to create growth to build the hero over his journey. The story does a dual-hero because the first step is "call to action" and both MCs call the other to action in a cooperative deal to save themselves and each other at the same time. This duality then also requires a second thing: trust before the call. However the story fails this plotline because the antagonists have no presence, there is no tension, and the only time i managed to find a single conflict it fizzled out. Then you also find that they had no reason at all to trust each other before deciding to run. I get desperate people make desperate decisions but this was like going from "hows the weather?" To "lets go blow up the alien mothership" level of a leap.

The second plot type was romance. Romance relies on the strength of its main characters and supporting friends, not necessarily antagonists. This also requires a more complex structure i have mentioned before where you have a first impression that is then immediately turned on its head by the second impression and the MCs being stuck together sgainst their will in some way. Just for a start, there was no first/second impression to make a conflict in relationship. It was 1. Forced together by job contract. 2. first impression. 3. Nothing after this. The first impression never changes.

Romance is typically easy to do alongside a hero's journey because the growth of a protagonist rising up to the antagonist is a character trait the romance leans on, but with no antagonist this goes out the window. So what kind of romance we left with? One entirely seperate from their dual-hero journey. This isnt a bad thing. If the basic requirement of being romantic in real life is the guy has to fight the big baddie than we are screwed as a species!

This leaves basic attraction and mutual understanding and interpersonal conflict. Only... this falls flat. Ive alteady explained this a bit but ill go further.

the two lack chemistry and conflict. Theh express seemingly no values beyond victimhood (warranted or not) and seem to grow closer for no reason. It is neither shown as attraction nor meaningful love because attraction requires at least one of the five senses and meaningful love requires learning more about a person by conflict and values. They get history of each other, but at worst its pity and victimhood and at best its cooperation for mutual goals from this history. They cant be attraction since there is none of the five senses shown as drawing them. Not sight or beauty as one is blind and the other doesnt express physical attraction. Not voice, which i would have thought been it for the blind MC but instead you get a guy who depends on hearing and a VERY QUIET MC. Almost making blindboy have two deficiencies from how quiet burnboy is. He doesnt sing or have a sexy voice or anything. And lets be real some guys have a sexy voice. Ive seen guys whose voice alone had me 1% questioning my sexuality lol! It cant be touch, though i would have thought possibly, since one never touches anyone for a reason. While it is used, it is used as more of an emotional/therapeutic device than an attraction one. It cant be smell, though genetics does often help with having compatible mates smell good, as it is never smell used. This leaves taste. Which, they do kiss, but this is putting the affects of attraction after the attraction itself. So there is no chemistry or attraction between them. Nor meaningful conflict to learn and be drawn together. I spent the story wondering when they would move on and find people to date they are attracted to or have chemistry with. The result is a hollow romance that feels forced. Id rather have characters that are drawn together than forced by the author. Just because you have a story with two characters in it doesnt mean by default that they will be a couple, nor should be. Its fine if they find other relationships and come back together as more grown up people, but so much of the story has been wasted i dint see how he can squeeze this in without rushing it to Hell suddenly.

i can tell what kind of story the author wants to make, and i like the potential, but its structure needs work.

Also their journey took them away from literal homophobia/Darwinism in their lives, but their quest to find a safe refuge feels half-assed when the place they choose is also homophobic and darwinistic. And they dont even react to that.

I enjoyed thomas for himself but what he brings is shallow. It had potential for drama between them and proper conflict and understanding. Instead it was Wasted potential. Especially as it was a monent for burnboy to possibly grow as he was the one suffering, instead he not only decides to back off, cementing himself to the friendzone but proves why the two MCs have no chemistry. Now no matter how hard the author tries any romance they have will be forced. It was hollow to begin with but now its set in stone. Nice as it was for blindboy to step up as he did, it is wasted potential for burnboy upon on constantly repeated narrative. Frankly its a tiring narrative as there has been no growth or change while the darwinism reflection of burnboy is just repeated chapter after chapter.

Ultimately 24 chapters in and the story seemingly is doing nothing and going nowhere. The original tension of the journey, the dangers, etc are doing nothing. There is no protagonists and their quest to fibd a refuge was half-assed to start with. The characters have no chemistry and not even enough backbone to have values enough for a meaningful conflict or growth so they go nowhere as individuals or as a couple. The scenes are just them hanging out in a room and kissing for anout 90% which isnt plot. This isnt even enough for a slice of life. There is so many words, so many scenes, yet no plot is utilized when started and nothing with substance happens. It feels like endless chapters of empty, hollow text. I couldnt care less if they got together or seperated, or even died at this point.

If you are interested in learning to write, mastering the craft, want some really good reads, or just to chat and hang out with a mature group of adults, feel free to hit me up for a smashing discord book club that has lasted years.