I wonder what it's like to be loved by you

~~~

Brendon sat in a small diner, staring down at his coffee. His hands gripped tightly at the cup, a convenient way to hide how bad his hands were shaking. It had taken a week to muster up the courage to meet up with Ryan again. Brendon had been thinking a lot and his conversation with Spencer the other night helped calm his nervous a little bit.

~~~

"What am I gonna do?" Brendon whispered, struggling to keep his emotions in check. He clenched his pillow to his chest and kept his legs pressed to his body.

"Is it possible that you could be wrong? Maybe you don't like him as much as you think you do? I mean you barely know him." Brendon shook his head and buried his face into the pillow. He'd been thinking about this nonstop. There was no doubt in his mind, he really liked Ryan.

Spencer sat beside him and threw an arm over the other's shoulders. Brendon leaned into the embrace. He sniffed softly, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. He pulled away from the pillow enough for his voice to come out clearly.

"Why did I have to meet him now?" Spencer rubbed the side of Brendon's arm slowly.

"I don't know, Bren." Brendon's clenched his fists into the pillow. He unfurled his body to throw the pillow at the wall to relieve some pent up anger. It did almost nothing and made him feel more pathetic. He pulled his legs to back to his chests and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knees and let out a soft sigh.

"This isn't fair."

"I know, B." Spencer didn't really know what to say, but knew that now he was really just there to listen at this point.

"I did everything right. I exercised, ate well, didn't smoke or anything. Why did it have to be me? I still wanna do so much and now I... I can't even," Brendon hiccuped as gentle tears fell. "I can't even be in a normal relationship." Spencer chewed on his bottom lip before deciding to speak.

"You know it's not too late. You can still --"

"Don't," Brendon whispered. Spencer deflated at the one word.

"Sorry." The pair sat in a long silence.

"I wanna have a chance with him." Spencer looked down at him. Brendon wore no emotion on his face as he stared at the wall across the room. There were dried tears on his cheeks, the only evidence now that he cried.

"It might not even be serious and we wouldn't last long. He'd never have to know. We could just go our separate ways and never speak again." Spencer furrowed his eyebrows in concern.

"It sounds like you're hoping for the relationship to fail already."

"Not really, it'd just be nice to be with someone even for a little. If I don't do anything, I'll kill myself wondering what would've happened."

"What if you start getting worse while you're together?"

"Then I'll have no choice but to tell him."

"You've given this some thought." Brendon nodded. "So that means you already made a decision." Brendon hesitated before giving another nod. "Are you just waiting for my approval?" The man looked up at his friend with wide innocent looking eyes.

"I wouldn't do it if you thought if was a bad idea," he whispered. Spencer scoffed.

"Of course I think it's a bad idea. It's like walking on thin ice. If you're not careful you'll get hurt." Even though he didn't show it, Spencer knew that Brendon was disappointed with the response. He had to repeatedly remind himself that this was the right choice. He couldn't let Brendon get into a relationship.

"Yeah," Brendon let out weakly. "You're right." Spencer felt his heart clench, not liking how defeated his friend sounded. "This is for the best anyway." He looked up at Spencer with a small fake smile pulling at the corner of his face. Spencer hated that look. Brendon was trying to look okay so his friend wouldn't worry. He didn't realize how much worse he was making things. Spencer internally groaned, knowing he'd end up regretting his next words.

"You'd have to tell him if you start getting worse. Or if your relationship is longer than two months, you have to tell him. No excuses." There was a spark that lit up in Brendon's eyes even though he tried to contain himself. Spencer only smiled in response, already worried, but happy to see how excited Brendon was.

~~~

"Hey, you alright?" Brendon looked up to see Ryan sit down across from him. He gave smile and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"What did you need to talk to me about? Your text was pretty vague."

"Nothing bad. At least I don't think so. Thanks for meeting with me though. I'm sure you have a busy schedule." A waitress came and set a cup of coffee down in front of Ryan before leaving the pair alone.

"Thanks for letting me pick the place. I was actually excited that you wanted to meet up again. Was worried as little worried when you cancelled last week." Brendon chuckled softly.

"Yeah, sorry. I had some things I needed to take care of."

"Is everything okay?" Brendon smiled and nodded. Ryan returned the smile, causing a warm sensation to spread over Brendon's chest. The two stared at each other without uttering a word. It was almost like a contest to see who would look away first. Ryan's light eyes almost seemed to stared into Brendon causing him to let out a nervous chuckle and turn away.

"So," Brendon started. "I'm just gonna say it. I don't know if it's cause you saved me from some creep at the bar or cause you introduced me to the best tacos in Nevada, but I like you... a lot." He peaked up to see Ryan biting on his lower lip. "And I was wondering if you'd maybe like to be exclusive with me. Not like official official, but just us dating to see what this could be between us," Brendon rambled. "If you don't really have time for a relationship, that's fine. I'm sure your career takes up a great deal of your time. Or if you don't feel the same way, I'll understand that too."

He felt his face heating more the longer he talked. He was never this nervous talking to a guy. Ryan was turning him into a nervous mess. Ryan reached his hand over the table, placing it on top of Brendon's. The younger instantly stopped talking and stared at their hands. He felt himself relaxing at the touch alone.

"You okay?" Brendon nodded slowly and turned to meet Ryan's eyes. "I like you too, Brendon." Brendon flushed and let out a soft giggle. "You're right, my job does take up most of my time." The smile shifted into a disappointed frown. Ryan smirked at the reaction and locked their fingers together. "But if you don't mind that, I'd like to be exclusive with you."

Brendon was surprised for a second before his face broke into a wide smile and excitement shining in his eyes. He took a quick movement to silently thank Spencer for his blessing and squeezed Ryan's hand. He was ready for what this relationship would do for him.