You saySorry like the angel heaven let me think was you

But I'm afraidIt's too late to apologize, it's too late

~~~

"I have to tell him. Tonight." Spencer felt a sense of relief. He was glad Brendon, finally decided before anything happened.

"Everything will be okay," Spencer said incase Brendon was ready to freak out.

"What if it's not?" Brendon looked up, revealing his colorless face. Spencer went on guard, quickly forgetting the conversation.

"Brendon, you're pale. Are you feeling okay?" Brendon shook his head.

"I'm gonna throw up." Spencer helped his friend to the bathroom. Brendon fell to his knees in front of the toilet, hugging its sides as he emptied the little in his stomach into the bowl. Spencer rubbed his back, telling him he was going to be okay.

"Fuck," Brendon groaned miserably before continuing to dry heave until his stomach was sore. They stayed there another few minutes before Spencer led them to the living room couch.

"I'm gonna run to the store and get you some medicine." Brendon shook his head, his only protest as he laid down. "I won't be long. Just hang on till I get back." Brendon already had his eyes shut, exhaustion slowly taking over.

He didn't even hear the door shut. He wasn't sure how slow or fast time was moving anymore. All he knew was that he couldn't fall asleep because of the sudden banging coming from the front door. He wanted to ignore it but it just wouldn't stop. He forced himself up, glad his nausea subsided leaving only the headache and fatigue in its place.

With each step and pound from the door, a pain pulsed in his head making him wince. Brendon unlocked the door, pulling it away from its abuser. He froze when he saw Ryan standing, panting heavily.

"Ryan? W-what are --" Ryan pushed his way inside making Brendon almost lose his balance.

"You knew." Brendon shut the door, confused at the accusation.

"Know what?"

"Don't play dumb," Ryan snapped. Brendon's heart dropped when Ryan tossed a folder on the floor between them. Papers slid out and scattered over the ground. One glance and Brendon knew what was happening.

"I can explain." Ryan laughed, a hint of pain hidden in the anger.

"Don't give me that shit. You fucking knew and you didn't bother telling me?" Brendon was finding it difficult to form any solid sentences, his head now spinning with countless thoughts. Soon, he wouldn't be able to keep his composure. "You were just gonna keep this a secret from me? For how long?"

"I was gonna tell you," Brendon whimpered and looked down at the ground. He couldn't look at Ryan. Being under that man's glare alone was causing him to tremble.

"When? We've been together for what, four months now? Was that not enough time? By the looks of your chart, you haven't done anything about this. What if you --" Ryan's voice refused to finish that sentence. "What if something happened to you and I didn't even know? You would've been okay leaving it like that?" Brendon shook his head, crying silently as Ryan spilled out everything he was warned about.

"I love you, Brendon." Brendon slapped his hands over his mouth to keep a sob from getting out. "Do you even care? Or was I just something to entertain you before you left?" Brendon shook his head, sniffling against his hand. Ryan let out a harsh sigh and ran his hand through his hair, wishing all this not to be true.

"This is what Jon was trying to tell me all this time." He turned away, scoffing to himself. "God! I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not." Ryan turned back, eyes softening when they landed on Brendon. "Ryan," he whispered." Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, hating how hurt he was feeling.

"I love you," Ryan confessed again. Brendon wanted the aching in his chest to stop anytime he heard that. He wanted it to warm him up instead and he wanted to say it back. A voice in his head yelled at him to say it, but his mouth stayed shut, enabling anything to come out.

"Do you even feel anything for me?" Brendon nodded, sniffling at the same time. He must've looked like a blubbering mess right now. Ryan stepped closer, almost reaching out to cup Brendon's tear stained cheeks. "Why'd you lie?" Brendon's bottom lip trembled, still refusing to open. Ryan waited a little longer before looking away and letting out a soft sigh.

He walked passed Brendon, leaving the apartment without another word. Brendon willed himself to move. He didn't get to explain. It was like he wasn't even trying. He wanted to, No! He needed to fix this. He need to fight now before it was too late.

It took everything he had to regain control of his muscles and run out the door. One thing ran through his mind as he hurried after Ryan. He need the other to know how scared he was because of how much he loved him.

Brendon made it outside, still not spotting Ryan. Of course with his luck, it was pouring rain, making it hard to see the man. He frantically looked up and down the street, desperate to find the other. He was finally able to make out Ryan's jacket at the end of the street about to turn the corner.

"Ryan!" Brendon ran as fast a he could, worried Ryan wouldn't bother stopping for him. But he did. He stopped. That's a good thing right?

He waited until Brendon was in front of him, bent over panting heavily. Brendon pushed away the burning in his lungs. He had more important things to worry about. He straightening up and looked Ryan in the eyes.

"I love you too," he heard himself say. There! He said it. He just needed to keep going. "I love you and that scares the shit out of me. I didn't want you to hate me because I have cancer. I didn't want to lose you." Even with that out, Brendon wouldn't settle the nerves buzzing in his body. Ryan gave no reaction, only increasing the other's anxiety. Neither moved as the rain washed over them, drenching them to the bone.

Ryan finally leaned forward and took Brendon's hands in his own. Brendon let out a soft sigh of relief when Ryan brought their hands to his lips and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles. Brendon fell forward into Ryan's arms, crying softly into his chest. Ryan let go up his hands and wrapped them around his body. The two stood in the rain, waiting for Brendon to calm down. Ryan kissed the top of his head.

"You'll get treatment, right?" Ryan spoke against his hair. Brendon tensed at the request. Brendon slowly pulled away and looked up at Ryan. "For me... you'll get treatment, right?" Brendon slowly shook his head, Ryan's hold weakened.

"No," he whispered.

"But I thought you --" Ryan pulled away and took a took a step back. "You love me, don't you?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then why?"

"I-I can't. I'm sorry. But I do love you. Isn't that enough?" Ryans shook his head and turned around.

"No... It's not."

"Ryan," Brendon started.

"No! I can't be with you if you can't do this for me. I can't sit back knowing I'm just gonna lose you anyway."

"So what? That's it then?" Ryan stayed silent, that being answer enough. "B-but you can't. Ryan, we... I-I... I need you," Brendon stuttered.

"I'm sorry." Brendon watched Ryan turn and walk away from him with those final words. He disappeared in the rain, leaving Brendon to stand alone in the cold.

At this point, Brendon wan't sure if he was shaking because of the rain or the conversation. All he knew was that he was freezing and alone. He let out a few quick breaths, feeling like he was suffocating. His lungs burned with want for air. His legs wobbled, not able to support his weight. His knees buckled, dropping him to the concrete.

"R-ryan," he called out weakly for the man, wrapping his arms around his stomach. "Ryan," he cried, tears camouflaging in the rain. "Fuck." What just happened? What did he do?

"Brendon?" A distant voice came to his ear. "Shit! What are you doing?" Brendon was pulled to his feet and pressed against a warm body. "What the hell are you doing out here?" Brendon didn't answer and let his friend's arms wrap around him. There wasn't anything he could do anyway. He was reduced to nothing but trembling and tears.

"R-ry-an k-kn-ows," he sobbed helplessly into Spencer's chest.

"What?" Brendon just kept crying, his words coming out in hiccups.

"You sa-aid he'd be o-okay with it. Y-you said e-everth-thing wo-would be o-okay," he sobbed. "Now, h-he's gone." Spencer had no way to respond. He considered the chances of things ending this badly sure, but after seeing how obsessed the pair were with each other, he didn't think it'd actually happen. He was at a loss for words.

The rain wasn't kind to them, seeming to pour down harder. Spencer decided to redirect his attention to another problem, one easier to solve.

"Let's go inside. I got you some medicine that could help." Brendon didn't protest when he was led back inside, but he doubted anything could help him right now. It was challenging for Spencer to help the other out of his wet clothes since Brendon had started moving on autopilot. It seemed like a good idea to shut down instead of facing the heartache.

"You're gonna be okay, B. I'm still right here with you." Brendon nodded while Spencer gave him a warm bath before getting him dressed again and tucked into bed like a child. As Brendon stared at the ceiling in his dark empty room, one thought came to mind.

The ice he'd been walking on finally caved in from the weight of his own selfish desires.