I clenched my fist listening to Beam who starts rambling and blaming himself. I want to touch him. Hug him tight. Tell him everything is okay. Everything will be fine, but I can't. I, myself is not so sure too if everything will be okay. I don't know too, what I feel. I feel hurt and shame. So many what if's and if only is circling inside my head.

Beam's brother is still hugging him and rocking him side to side while the latter is keep on whimpering when his sobs died down. His eyes are closed but the tears are still streaming down his cheeks, freely. He cling to his brother's body as if it's his lifeline. It should be me there but my feet froze to where I am standing. I can't move.

I saw how his body limp in Yo's arms. He fall asleep while crying. Yo slowly release him from his arms and lie him down again on his bed. He immediately curled into ball on his sides, his back is facing us.

After a while his breathing is even and he fall deep to sleep. I grit my teeth for being a coward, again. I should have hug him the second I came inside but I did not. My feet slowly made a move towards his bed. I grit my teeth when I saw his body tremble and whimper in his sleep. I reach out my hand to touch his back. I need to feel him.

Yo's words hit me. I curled my fist into ball. If I wasn't an idiot and let him leave me that day. If only I stop that damn engagement before he knows it. If .....

I nod at them and Yo went to kiss his brother's forehead before they leave.

I drag a seat and sit on Beam's side where I can face him and he shocked me when he opened those eyes of him and stare at me directly. His stare are distant and seems it get past through me.

I shiver at the coldness of his voice. His face is devoid of emotion.

I whispered trying not to crumble in front of him.

He said in pained voice. I reach out his hand and hold it but he pulled it away from me. I gulped.

He looked at me with furrowed brows but aside from pain, his eyes is cold and emotionless.

I said in conviction but he chuckled.

I am lost in words after he speak. His voice is full of pain.

He closed his eyes and I thought he fall asleep when he keep quiet for quite a while.

He said in low raspy voice. I bit my lips. He's right. The timing is not right but I think if I will not say it now I will lose a chance to say it again to him.

His voice croaked everytime those words came out from his mouth. His every words struck me to the deepest nerve of my body. Beam loved me but I was a fool not to notice it. I was a fool to not know his feelings. For giving him this pain.

My heart constrict with pain. His voice is devoid of emotion. His eyes has no life. His gaze are distant and blank. I gulped hard. What have I done?