Dead people don't haunt us. It's the other way around.

We refuse to let go of them, and we think that we are torturing ourselves with their thoughts but maybe they are the ones being tormented with our cries and tantrums...

I've seen so many of these cases throughout my short lived life, and I refused to be one since I'm living with a and it's hard, yet, worth it...

I. As stupid as it sounds. I refused to see my family or have any sort of contact with any of them for years. Because I knew the moment I did, all of this won't be worth it anymore; it's all worthless when compared to my home.

If I'm accurate with my calculations, it's been;

Five years of marriage but almost eight years of being a mom

Five years since leaving my family but almost eight since living without them

Nine years knowing each other but knowing nothing about

Nine years since I was twenty...

Yes! I am not twenty anymore!

But you know what?

These years are just a number and when it comes to time, it's just a moment... And here, my moment was filled with so much pain and regret. Endless pain and regret.

And in this moment, is when all of it dawned on me; the moment I was on my knees for someone who was totally out of my reach...

"You might have replaced his wife but you are never going to replace my mother!" those were his words.. The same words in which he finally turned my assumptions into reality. The assumptions I kept denying for so long, thinking it was all because I expected too much as a mother, that it was all in my head and it was just his ways. He was just a kid.

But who said kids couldn't break hearts?

His little hands pushed mine as I was trying to get his bag...which made me question myself...

"Wasn't it enough?"

Wasn't it enough that I was on my knees just to get to his level? To get closer?... Then how come he is getting further away by every passing day? Just what was I supposed to do? What more can I give away?

"Louis get into your room now!!" his voice boomed from behind me but I couldn't take my eyes off the soft but blazing blue ones as they were digging holes in me, killing me slowly.

"I SAID NOW!"

His blue orbs left mine with a final glare as he passed by me, bumping my shoulder onto his before his small but heavy steps took his small silhouette away from me.

"I will deal with him..you can go get some rest, Amanda" the other one stated, before he left following the previous.

Amanda

He has always used endearments to call her but I was just. an "Amanda"...

I was not a replacement as Louis thought. I could never be and I never wanted to be...

I was just a stupid brick to use and fill the hole in one of the walls in here. Yet, still, even as a brick I was absolutely useless.

"I could never be you, Ivy. I could never replace you... And trust me. I never intended to."

They named me Amanda, which means "The one who deserves love".

I was a happy virus as a kid; had and still do have so many friends. Life wasn't that hard growing up for me; a happy complete family and good friends, food in my plate and a ceiling over my head. I was content and satisfied with all I had, and with that I wanted to spread my happiness somehow so I decided to become a psychiatrist.

Here I am now! lucky enough to live that dream.

I learned that it's all in the head most times. I wanted to change people's way of thinking to make their life easier and better, make them see and hope for the best...The same way I was doing for almost five years now to these two and even myself. However, I've also learned that "When things don't seem to work and there is no way for it to work, then it is just better to leave it and find your own happiness somewhere else..."

"Hopefully, a better place..."

And that has now become my plan...

My feet took me up the stairs, heavy and determined, heading to where they were, listening to their incoherent voices before my steps reached that door at the end of the hallway, and it got all clear.

"Yes I know that it's hard for you, it's hard for me too "...too?.. "but she is gone and she won't be back. I wish it was the three of us now, but that was not destined so let's try and move on. Amanda is not bad, you two were close before, maybe you should try and become friends with her again"

"I don't want to! I don't like her at all!!"

"LOUIS!"

By the slightly opened door, my knuckles made contact with the wood before I opened the rest of it when I got both of their attention with the sound the contact created.

"Good thing you are here, Louis don't you have something to say? "

"NO DAD! I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE TO HER!"

"LOUIS!"

The little eight years old jumped out of his bed and ran out, for the thirty-three years old man to try and catch up with him before I stopped him by blocking his way, at the door.

"Amanda" he sighs, showing how tired this made him... But so was I.

"I need to talk to you"

"I know, I will deal with him, I told you not to worry "

"I'm not worried... I'm tired" I stared at the ground, refusing to see his face. This time I was disappointed with myself; I just couldn't be the happy virus I am ...Or was I ever?

I just kept on getting lost for five years, not knowing what to do or who I was. I was a psychiatrist for god sake! But these two people, and this life I shared with them was slowly driving me insane...

"Listen, maybe you should go to your parents for a couple of days, it's been years since you saw them. That's probably what you need, and take some days off of work while you're at it "

"Work?... I never thought I would love my work more than my family someday, but I do. The best time in the day is when I get to go work; Mondays are the best now after a weekend spent with you two in the same house! Sharing the same space! Breathing the same air!.." I shook my head before I looked up, straight into his eyes "I will go to my parents, but I will also be getting a divorce "

I noticed it.. The way his eyebrows furrowed before he chose to speak again "What?.. Amanda, you are being emotional just-"

"I'm not being emotional. I was just twenty-four when I married you for the sake of a friend. We never loved each other and never will, we never could; you're my friend's husband to me and I am your wife's friend and that could never change and I knew that when I married you because my only intention was to take care and love Louis the way a mother would. I was afraid of the woman you were going to choose and marry, that she might not treat him right, and so we're you.. I threw myself into this pit just because of Ivy's son, just for her sake and his sake and I know that it was the same for you... We did it out of love... But not for each other"

I breathed in before letting the rest of the burden out "However, nothing good is coming out of this. I am hurting this eight-year-old boy here, that I treated as my own. But he's not..." I was conscious of the way my chin quivered, the way my eyes were looking everywhere franticly making my vision blurry and my mind even more confused as to what was happening to me, yet, I still kept going "You know what? I want my own child, my own husband. I want my own life, not Ivy's.. So please grant me a divorce.. Please."

That was the longest and the most sincere dialogue I have ever said to this man right here. And I am sure it took him by surprise as he tried to dodge it not believing that it was actually happening "We'll talk about this later, you are just being emotional now, so cal-"

"I'M NOT!!" I cried out. The tears I was holding not to let them ever fall in front of this man, have fallen already and my state now showed him that there was no other time for any of this, he had to face it... He had to do something about it and I was leaving him no choice... I was getting my divorce, I was getting my freedom as I desperately needed release.

"Amanda, divorce is not that easy"

"It is easy in our case"

"ama-"

"We have nothing between us, I am just a stranger that you had to take in to take care of your son and to help you when you were in depression after she passed away, leaving you with a newly born baby that's all .. Now that I'm of no use to the both of you, in fact, I am ruining your bond and relationship, it would only be right if I just go now. Henry, I'm of no use anymore, so let me go... Please. I want to live MY life "

"You're talking as if I was depriving you of living! This is also life Amanda, this is reality! It's not a road of flowers! What have I deprived you from? Huh?! for five years I never fought with you, let you do what you want and I kept a distance from you to not disturb your calm"

"That's called you never cared!!.. you never cared to even fight, you didn't care to tell me what you like and what you dislike, and it's the same for me because we don't love each other! And this is not life, I want to fight with someone, I want to feel suffocated when they don't keep a distance, stuck like a gum by my side. I want a red road, even if it's not with flowers, then let it be my blood!! Let this reality hurt me and make me bleed to death... At least for a couple of seconds, I want something that I can call my own. I want my family, my lover and my child and MY HOME!"

I opened my eyes not even realizing that I closed them in the first place but judging from my elaborating breath and smooth hot tears taking their trail down my face, I guess it was only normal for me not to be conscious of everything around me... This is what we like to call "A breakdown"

Our eyes met for a second there before he turned his face away, clenching his jaw... He nodded his head a couple of times as a sign of defeat "Fine. I will send you the papers signed" he said, then left, not even glancing at me again...

"the end.

is only

the beginning"