"What happened to your neck?! "

"nothing much "

"what do you mean nothing much ?! it's bruised Amanda!!!"

"mommy? "

"it's nothing Louis don't worry " I turned to Aiden hissing at him "not in front of him "

"Sorry but y-" he whispered back

"let's just go, or you'll be late, the site is a bit far from here "

"sure you can drive? "

"for the hundredth time , I am fine , and don't you dare tell Joshua or pa and ma about this , or I will hunt you down... now get out! "

"fine , bye Louis "

"bye uncle , good luck "

I turned to Louis before leaving the house "wait for your dad, he will be here in a second, okay?"

"Okay, mommy " he kept looking at my neck which made me conscious of it, he shouldn't see my neck this way, that might traumatize him

"I'm fine, I just massaged my neck a bit roughly that's why it turned a little red "

"it's purple " ...shizz

"oh, I might have been too rough " I smiled at him, then kissed the top of his head "I'll be going now, but I'll be back after dropping uncle , so I won't be late"

"don't worry, I promised papa to be a good boy and not to make you worry"

Didn't need to know that

"here we go, good luck dumbo "

"I'm not your dumbo...Joshua is "

"oh yeah, sorry, good luck, Lil dumbo "

"I hate you "

"love you too "

"we will talk about your neck, you might have dodged the conversation on the ride but you won't be able to do that back home "

"try me "

He closed the door behind him and left after sending me a small smile shaking his head along

I called Joshua as I was driving back

"sis"

"Hey, you good ? "

" Yeah what's up ? you good ?"

"Yeah, just wanted to ask you to pick up Aiden later , I want to go out with Louis, I didn't spend much time with him"

"no problem, have fun "

"thanks"

"call me if anything "

"sure thing "

I was about five minutes away from home when peter called to notify me about the admission of my patient in his clinic and inquire more about his state which was a conversation that took more than just five minutes as I was able to park and get in the house all the while still talking on the phone, I took off my shoes and looked around for any sign of Louis but there was no sign of him, not in the living room, kitchen, washroom..where is he?!!

"that's all, I will go deal with him then inform you of the process and plan of-"

"yeah okay, thankyou, BYE!" I hung on the phone and focused on the stairs "Louis ?" I called for him but there was no answer so I ran upstairs and searched every single room before I went back to the ground floor and looked for him in the backyard...there was still no sign of him, of any sort

I picked up my phone and just looked at the list of my contacts...Who am I to call now?

Henry!

Wait!

Henry was supposed to come back and stay with him, What if he just took him out ?..and it's all fine.

I don't want to call him!

But what if he's searching for him after not finding him?!!

"Amanda?"

"do you know where Louis is? "

"yeah, he is with me, is there someth-" I hung on him not having any more strength in my legs, sitting on the ground between the living room and the entrance

"thank god " I sigh in relief waiting for the strength to come back to my feet so I can go up "I almost peed my pants "

A couple of seconds sitting right in that same spot and I headed up to my room with a cup of water, resting on my bed and looking out the window

with a blank but heavy mind, I realized that I'm dealing with a roller-coaster of emotions these days...

I need to meet Peter as soon as possible

"WHY HAVEN'T YOU ANSWERED YOUR PHONE !" I was startled by Henry getting into my room and slamming the door shut

"what? "

"I called you about a thousand times! "

I looked around me searching for my phone but it wasn't here, I've probably left it downstairs

"why? where's Louis? did something happen?! "

"he's napping in the guest's room but that's not important now .. I asked you a question Amanda; why didn't you answer your phone? "

"haven't noticed "

he marched towards me, while I was sitting on my bed with a book in hand "haven't noticed? You ser-" his eyes traveled to my neck, widened at the sight he saw "what is that Amanda ? " he got closer about to touch me to which I backed away in a hurry

"nothing " I covered my neck with a jacket that I had lying beside my bed, throwing the book away from me

"what do you mean nothing? your neck is bruised !"

"Can you please leave? " I was holding to the ounce of patience I still have, he literally came into my room unwelcomed and started having an unneeded outburst

"no more delaying this Amanda, I hardly stopped myself last night from chasing you after you left with Joshua .. let's just talk, I already wasted years and now that I want to fix everything you just refuse to hear me out "

"I waited years and you refused to fix a thing Henry so why should I give you a chance now? huh? do you know how selfish and arrogant you sound? what do you think? Does my life depend on you ?!! why should I swallow every bad treatment I got and let it go past me just because now you got the inspiration of fixing this-" my hands flapped around when I tried to find my next words "this none existing relationship between us .."

"I know, I am being selfish, but I've lived selflessly for years now Amanda , i-"

"oh really? you lived selflessly? who are you kidding huh? haven't I lived with you? haven't I seen you do what you like? step on everyone around you, with a sign over your head depriving anyone of stopping you ..' I am depressed' 'I am tired' 'the love of my life left me' 'I am a single father ' ..I !. I!. I!. FREAKING BIG I!!...it's always been about you, me and Louis had to deal with your cold heart while stepping a hundred times on ours, telling them to just shut up and not ever feel pain from you, cause you don't mean it ...but you mean it ..you meant everything you did Henry and you ruined us all "

"I meant what I did, but I didn't mean to ruin us "

" come on ! .. just ..just stop this whole thing and leave I don't want to hear your excuses"

"There are no excuses for what I have done but it wasn't my intention to ruin us, my intentions were to not ever let you replace ivy " he spoke so low and slow that it somehow drove my attention to him

I stood silent there, not knowing who this person in front of me was, I keep seeing a different side of him whenever I meet him now, how come I've never seen this side of him when we lived together?

The sincerity and pain, not the kind of pain he had when ivy left not that type of anger filled pain but a tired, regretting type of pain. Like he was tired of living in pain ...his mind was now asking for help more than ever before

"I was stupid enough to fear the fact that you might replace her in our life Amanda, I was scared of forgetting her and replacing her with you "

I wanted to speak and tell him I never wanted to replace her but I knew that I shouldn't

Somehow, at this moment, I started seeing him as a patient again not as an ex-husband

"I was afraid, 'ivy would totally hate me for using her best friend to replace her ', ' she will be so disappointed in the two of us ' 'wait how can I even think of letting another woman than her get into my life? '... I was living with those thoughts Amanda, backing away from you, scared of facing you ... more than anything, I was scared of loving you; scared that you might replace her place in my heart .. I feared that more than I feared anything in my life "

Patient? ...no he's not a patient .. I don't feel this type of pain in my chest when listening to any of my patients ...and I don't tear up either

My feet led me to the door in a hurry , knowing that I was about to break down ...yet again

But before my hand reaches the knob to turn it, he blocked it with his body and stood between me and the door panting and looking deeply into my eyes

I know this was a side of me that he's not used to ..but so was this side of him to me.

We were now meeting each other for the first time ..after living for years together

"Only I can heal your scar since I was the one to make it ..." he whispered slowly still looking into my eyes "and I will let myself die a thousand times looking at it knowing that I hurt you, till the day I could let it disappear, only then I will let myself breathe again Amanda"

"What happened to you? " I whispered the same way he did without even noticing I did, but I noticed the tears that were once blurring my vision have made now a trail down my face, that had grabbed his attention

His hand was about to reach my face but I backed away

"don't " I looked away from him, feeling lost now

I was a psychiatrist, I was supposed to know about his fear, I was supposed to know what he felt .. I was supposed to know if any of what he said was real ...I was supposed to read him

But he wasn't a book to read

And I wasn't god to know what he feels

I am just a human, like any other, trying to run away from this...Trying to not face any of it

But as a psychiatrist, I was forcing myself to just stay and find out what this whole thing is about

Just what am I to do?

"Just what am I to do Amanda? I've fallen for you "