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"So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers." (Qur'an 3:139)

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Zoya Zoya Zoya.

I told you not to let me become the focus of your heart I warned you not to get too attached.

I didn't warn myself.

Oh beautiful Zoya Zameer oh cruel Zoya Zameer.

I did this to myself I unintentionally shifted my focus from God to a human.

A human who had the capability to break me.

Oh Zoya.

That morning I told you I loved you.

You have no idea how much it took me to say that to free myself of the worry and guilt that appeared every time I began to trust you I didn't want it to turn out like every other time every other time that I trusted somebody and they gave me reasons not to.

Oh Zoya beautiful sweet Zoya your kind of beauty should not be able to tell such a major lie.

I should not have trusted you.

I've become a little boy again I can't stop crying.

We consummated our marriage for God's sake.

How did you lie to me the whole time?

I can't stop crying.

How could you do it every time we embraced each other or laughed together or spent time with one another how did it not hang above your head how did you not think that I am lying to this man every second that we are together how how how?

How could you let me love you and love you and love you and let it all be a sick lie?

Lies lies lies why does this world have to consist of something as ugly as lies?

I don't know how to see your face anymore without falling apart.

They are saying on the news that something is going on with Zoya Zameer that you are not leaving your house that you haven't gone to work in days and nobody has seen you and nobody knows what's going on.

I know what's going on I know you feel guilty now I know you regret what you did I know everything about you oh beautiful cruel Zoya Zameer.

But I can't handle it I can't handle it when they say you must be sick or something because it makes me want to hurl everything inside of me up such a lie such a horrible lie how could you do it?

You are not sick you are ashamed don't do this to me again don't think you can play with me and my heart again don't think you can make them say on the news that you're afflicted with something and it will make me come back I don't have the strength to look at you.

Without falling apart.

Zoya Zoya Zoya.

Allah is teaching me a lesson because every time I say your name or think of your beautiful face there is a searing pain in my chest and it doesn't go away.

Allah is telling me I filled too much of my heart up with you and He's right I did even if it was unknowingly for the first time I loved somebody like that and I thought opening my heart up to you was the right thing to do but I opened up too much of me and now I've torn myself apart.

I led myself to this place where there is not enough room in my heart as there is pain.

Sometimes I sit by the window and hear your laugh I see your smile I feel your curls between my fingers sometimes I hear your voice whispering in my ear and it sounds Iike the mornings you used to wake up and plead me to make breakfast claiming you would burn the kitchen down if you did and the times when we would bake together flour in your hair flour on my hands.

Sometimes I think of coming back because I would never have done something like this even in my worst nightmares I would never have left my wife and my mother and my sisters but oh dear Allah I have turned into the very person I direly sought protection from.

I have become my worst nightmare.

At night before I go to sleep the bed feels cold and empty.

And then I remind myself of your deceit.

But then in the morning when I wake up I reach for your hand and come up empty.

I used to make duaa to Allah for so many things I used to ask for guidance and mercy and health and happiness but now I only want to be rid of this agony.

Oh God, please make the pain go away. I can't take it anymore.

Some days it gets better and some days Zoya I think of your beautiful grief-stricken face in that royal blue dress and the tears return to my eyes and the ache returns to my heart how could such beauty tell such a lie how how how.

Every time I pray or read Qur'an my vision gets blurry oh Allah please ease my pain and suffering please.

Nothing is difficult for you oh Qawiyy please end my agony.

Oh Allah oh Allah.

It is not so horrible now two months later Allah has listened to my duaas to ease my pain and now when I think of you or when I see your pictures I am able to control the ache.

The ache that won't leave me be because I keep remembering your lie and I keep remembering the defeat on your face when I asked you if it was true.

Your love does not hurt nearly as much as your lie does.

But I can control the ache now.

To some extent.

I should come back I need to come back this isn't right. This has never been right.

Last night I dreamt about you again. I keep dreaming about you.

In my dream, you kept lying to me and I was covering my ears to shield myself but you came closer and pulled my hands away and whispered your lies in my ears.

I talk to my mom and my sisters sometimes and they say you don't let them in every time they come to visit and how could you?

How could you after what you've done?

I wouldn't let them in either if I were you.

I hope I never hear a single lie in my life again.

Zoya?

I saw you on the news today. It's been three months. You were wearing this white dress and a blue scarf on your head.

You looked tired so tired. Eyes dark and hollow and your beautiful radiant skin all weak and sallow.

I had a dream about you again. I've been having more dreams about you the past few days. In them, you're smiling at me in that way you used to. The way that always made me avert my eyes because I couldn't stand to watch you when you made me flush like a ten year old boy.

And in the dream you smile at me and then turn around, walking towards the light.

Maybe it's time to come back. Maybe it's time to let go of this bitterness in my heart.

I hate it. I hate that I've become this person. This person who resents and resents and resents.

No more. I want my heart back.

I'm packing my bags. It's time to end this. I don't want to be this person anymore.

Oh Allah guide me to the straight path.

Guide me to You.