The Library

2 days later

Life, what's the meaning of it? Life... it's just full of shit. Life, what's the big deal about it?

What's so important about living if you're constantly reminded of all the things you don't have?

Why is it a sin to commit suicide?

For the pain that I feel inside

is only bearable if I'm ok to die.

You chose drugs over me,

leaving my heart empty.

You had your chance for redemption

yet you blew it.

You promised to get clean

and I needed you to

prove it.

Time and time again,

you led me astray

and silly me just went on about my day.

Father... that's funny to say.

Know why? Because from day one

all you ever done was push me away.

In hopes of seeing your face,

I began to pray.

When I needed you the most

you were nowhere to be found.

But when you needed that fix

you had no problem

tracking me down.

Leave it up to me

and I'll say I'd make you

watch me drown.

At least with that,

we'll have something in common,

pain... how does that sound?

Reading over her poem, Renae focused her eyes on the word drown, it's what she's been feeling lately. Egypt tried to apologize for telling Ahmed where she was but Renae did not want to hear any of it. She was tired of others apologizing on his behalf, when it was her father whom she needed to hear those sacred words from.

She didn't want to hear I'm sorry from her mom, nor from Bryson and definitely not from her little brother. She wanted to hear her father utter those words and mean it.

"I figured I would find you here," King's voice startled Renae.

Closing her journal, she looked over at him then scooted over. He sat next to her on the concrete and just stared at the small lake.

"I'm sorry about the other night... you weren't supposed to see me like that," her voice was soft yet distant.

"I don't judge ma... my pops was an addict... that's how he died," he confessed.

A bit surprised, Renae stared at him curiously, "How'd you handle it?"

"Shit, I was already dippin' in tha' streets, so I kept at it and kept my head in dem books. Got dat business degree den got my mom from 'round there."

She didn't respond right away she just stared at the water.

King took the time to really study her. She seemed guarded when they first met but something seemed different today. His eyes roamed down her arms and that's when he noticed the cuts.

Damn, he thought.

"I'm um... I'm sorry for being so mean to you... it's a defense mechanism," she softly apologized.

King didn't need the apology, he figured that out the second time they ran into each other. "No need to apologize." He casually replied.

"Does that offer still stand?" She queried.

"What offer?" He was genuinely confused.

"Us... becoming friends."

King chuckled softly, "Now you wanna talk to me?" He cracked and she laughed softly.

"Only if you want to," she coyly smiled, trying not to scratch at her cuts.

Noticing her fidgeting, King reached inside his pocket and pulled out a few bandaids, "Here."

Looking at him then the bandaids her brows furrowed in wonderment.

"I... saw," He kept it brief.

"Oh... thanks," she awkwardly took the bandaids. "You carry these on you?"

"Most tha' time, my niggas clumsy," he said and they shared a laugh. "How long have you been doing dat?" He nodded towards her cuts.

"You don't wanna know," She murmured after putting the last bandage on.

"Try me," He replied, zipping his coat up.

"Since I was eight..."

There was an eerie silence before King spoke, "How old are you again?"

"Nineteen."

"You've been doing dat for almost eleven years?" He began to feel bad for her.

"Mm-hmm," she cleared her throat as she wiped the corner of her eyes.

"Does your mom know?"

"She can't tell because of my tattoos... she doesn't pay attention to me either, so... I'm surprised you noticed." She replied.

"I'm an observer... blessing and a curse, at times," he chuckled.

Renae remained quiet and stared down at her shoes.

"What were you writing?" He decided to change the subject.

"N—nothing."

"Seemed pretty serious to me," he said.

"It's nothing," she mumbled.

Deciding to leave it alone King pulled out his phone to check the time, it was going on 5:30. "Are you working today?" He questioned, standing.

"I got fired," she answered then laughed.

"Huh?" His brows creased, "So why are you here?"

"Can't tell my mom I got fired... she's dealing with enough as is," leaning back, she tilted her head up and exhaled.

"You've been hanging out where you got fired from? What in tha' hell?" This was unusual for King but he wouldn't say it was unheard of.

Renae chuckled, "They have good books... plus it's in walking distance to the bus stop." She added before standing.

"Fuck dem having good books, there's like three other libraries 'round here, what you get fired for?"

"I didn't show up yesterday... so they fired me when I came in today."

"Damn," he shook his head, "Why you ain't show up?" He asked and she nodded towards her arms.

"Lost control and cut too deep. Couldn't stop the bleeding, freaked myself out andddd ended up fainting in the bathroom," she explained then shook her head shamefully.

"You should know how far to go by now," he stated.

"I do... I just reached a breaking point and lost control that's all," the carelessness in her tone made King stare at her questionably for a moment. "Don't give me that judgmental look," she sighed picking up her coat.

"I wasn't... I just feel for you that's all."

"Right," she muttered, heading around the building and he followed her.

"Do you need a ride some where?" He asked walking alongside her.

"I normally catch the bus to McDonald's or the gas station around this time... do you mind taking me?"

"Where?" He questioned pulling out his keys.

"The Gardens"

Nodding, King motioned for her to follow him. Once they got to his car, he gave it time to heat up.

"You do realize I ran into you out dat area a few times right?" He queried and she laughed face palming herself.

"Sorry, my mind is somewhere else."

"I can see dat," he chuckled, popping the trunk before he got out the car.

Grabbing the blanket out, he got back inside and handed it to her.

"You didn't have to do that," she attempted not to smile as she wrapped herself up.

"You were shaking, I gotta get me a new car anyways I had dis bad boy for a few years,"He replied as he backed out the drive way.

"It looks new."

"I keep it clean and do a luh fixing to it here and there, I know a few things about cars."

"Maybe you can show me how to change a tire or two," she joked.

"I don't have a problem with dat."

Renae was caught off guard by his response. Deciding not to speak anymore, she stared out the window enjoying the quiet ride. Neither knew that both of their lives were soon to change.

The next day

"Where Keenan?" King asked when I walked inside his house.

"At the hospital."

"For what?"

"Uh.. his cousin tried to kill herself last night... said she ran into her pops at Micky D's and he was tweaking..." I told him as I followed him up the stairs.

"Damn... you think we should go up there?" He asked.

"Hell nah, her mom taking it hard, they're gonna need space."

"I know dat gotta have you feeling a way, I know you like shorty." He said and I scrunched my face up.

"What? That's my lil sister, don't try me like that."

"Wodie you always talking about how bad she is and dis and dat, hard to tell if you were joking," he replied.

Shaking my head, I laid across his bed. "I do that to piss Keenan off, Zuri my lil sister, that's it," I told him and he chuckled.

"It works."

"Where was yo ass at last night though?" I asked.

"I was kicking it with shorty girl from tha' library, dropped her off then came here and crashed after I smoked me a blunt."

"You've been disappearing a lot lately, what's up with that?" I quizzed and he shrugged.

"Tryna get dis money up, tryna get to know shorty and tryna avoid Autumn crazy ass. Bitch keep blowing my phone up," He said and I laughed.

"You sound like a nigga who's trying to juggle between having a wife, side chick and secret baby." I cracked and he laughed shooting me the bird.

"Now you joce'n," he chuckled and I joined in.

"I'm just fucking with you, but what shorty look like?"

"Ask me dat in like another month or two if she still hanging round a nigga," he said, tossing the ball up.

"You ain't got a picture of her?" I asked.

"Nah, we just be kicking it."

"You're thinking of cuffing her?" I questioned.

"We're working as friends for now... shorty dealing wit a lot."

"Ok cool, 'cause Zina ass throwing herself a welcome home party tonight and since Brae and I ain't speaking right now I need you to roll through with me." I told him and he busted out laughing.

"You're letting your little sister throw a house party?" He asked and I shrugged.

"She's smart and know I'd fuck these lil niggas up if they tried anything."

"What time it start?" he asked checking his phone.

"Eight, but I wanna get there early to check out who's gonna be there."

"Let me hop in tha' shower then." He stood.

"I'll meet back over here in an hour." I told him as I got up as well.

"Aight just take my extra house key." He said before walking into the bathroom.

"Say less."

***

Princess Anne Hospital

"You wanna tell me what in your right mind possessed you to do this?!" An enraged Egypt asked Renae.

"Rather not."

"You know why she did it," Dajon spoke up as he clenched and unclenched his jaws.

Everyone turned their focus on him.

"Why?" Egypt asked placing her hands on her hips.

"Because of Ahmed, I told you to stop telling him information about her and I been told you to stop encouraging her to see him. He doesn't love her, all he's ever done is use and mistreat her. That lame ain't her father, he's a straight bitch!"

"Watch your mouth."

"Nah, fuck that, Zuri I'm sorry, I love you but it's time for you to forget about his ass. The only man that you should be calling dad is pops right there. Fuck an Ahmed and fuck his so called bad habit, if he loved you he wouldn't had made a damn deal right in your face or showed up off the shits! She's been cutting for I don't know how many years and for some reason you never realized it! She's crying out for help and this shit ain't making it no better!" He kicked the chair over and Egypt made her way over towards him but Tamia and Bryson grabbed her.

A nurse rushed inside the room and looked around briefly before speaking, "I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you guys to leave."

"Here they go, hear a little yelling and get scared. Ain't nothing scary about hurt black folks sweetheart, we hurt and get angry just like y'all," Tamia sassed as she picked up her purse.

The nurse averted her eyes to the floor and Renae looked at Dajon with hurt in her eyes. He was the only one who knew about her cutting because he caught her when she was twelve.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed before picking up his jacket and stormed out with Keenan right behind.

"We're gonna talk about this." Egypt eyed Renae as she picked up her purse.

"No we won't," she mumbled turning on her side.

Taking that as their cue to leave her alone, Bryson and the group left out the room and the Nurse followed.

Renae laid in bed and cried softly. She felt stupid for what she's done but she was upset and hurt at the time. Embarrassed at the most. Every time she denied Ahmed of being her father he yelled out That's my baby!

The looks on the customers faces and the employees spoke of nothing but judgement, disgust and sympathy. But hearing a few people laughing really broke her heart.

Things were always funny when the shoe was on someone else's foot, but when it's you then it's a problem.

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Thoughts?