[22]

I run my hand through my hair in frustration, plopping down on the couch.

He ran away.

I shouldn't have picked up that damn phone. But I already knew that he wouldn't want to stay with me anyway. He would run from me some day and escape from my grasp, I know that, no matter how deep my stomach sinks at just the thought of it. As soon as he catches even a glimpse of the real me, of that side of me that is buried so deep inside of my mind that not even I can get to it, he will run without a look back.

And for some reason, I'm dreading it. For the first time since my mother's death, I'm dreading the possibility of someone leaving me. I'm used to it, used to people fearing me, but with Chester, I don't want him to. I want to keep him close - so close that only I can have him. I want him for myself, because my fucked up mind sees in every single person, and every single guy in particular, who talks to him and gets too close to him, a threat. A threat, because of the thousands of possibilites that could make him turn his back on me.

Maybe that's greedy, maybe that's selfish. But after feeling such a strong urge for someone after not feeling anything at all for such a long time, I don't want to lose that.

So, maybe I should stop holding myself back. I should just go for it; I should keep him close, should make him stay, should do what my heart urges me to do and ignore the voices of common sense in my mind.

But if he leaves me in the end, I won't stop him. I will protect him and keep him so close that nobody can catch even a glimpse of him, but when he starts fearing me and wants to run, I won't force him to stay. Because if I did, I would risk losing not only him but myself as well.

I would lose myself to him, and would end up keeping him so close that it'd suffocate him.

So many people have left me, so many have become terrified of me; so, it won't make a difference when he does too, right?

I don't know.

But I do know that I'm sick of refraining myself from wanting him.

So, after today, I won't do it anymore.

-- --

After what felt like hours of running which were in reality only around twenty minutes, I finally slow down when my aunt's house comes into view.

My legs are burning in agony and my lungs are screaming at me with all their might, begging for oxygen. I honestly didn't even notice how much I physically drained myself, until I bent over on my knees and black dots clouded my vision.

I almost stumble over my own feet, not being able to stand still with the amount of dizziness that suddenly washes over me.

When I had left Riku's apartment earlier, I just started running into a random direction until I saw my school. I honestly had never felt such an amount of relief in my whole life as I did in that moment. And then I just continued running home as fast as my legs could carry me without giving a damn about the fact that I was skipping school.

And now, here I am. Standing in front of my aunt's house, heaving and on the verge of vomiting from all those knots of distress that have formed in my stomach.

Suddenly, the sounds of a door being ripped open fills my ears. I raise my head just as my aunt pulls me into a bone-crashing hug. Her arms are so tightly wrapped around me that I feel like my lungs are squished together, making it impossible to breathe.

"I was so worried! Where on earth were you? Are you okay?" She instantly bombards me with questions, adding to my growing headache as she practically screams into my ear. The grip she has on me causes the bruises on my stomach to hurt like hell and my shoulder to feel like it's being dislocated all over again. Trying to wiggle myself out of her tight embrace would be a death wish though, so I just stay still and bite my lip to prevent myself from crying out in pain.

"I don't want to lose you too."

She whispers it so quietly that I almost don't hear it although her mouth is right next to my ear. Unfortunately though, I understand each and every word. And every single syllable that leaves her mouth, strikes a chord inside of me and slams against the walls around my heart with full force.

Mom. She's talking about mom.

A lump grows in my throat, the memories crashing back down on me like a plane out of control; the memories that I tried so hard to suppress.

It becomes overwhelming so quickly that I don't even notice my actions when I push my aunt away and run towards my room. My mind shuts down, the walls around my heart closing the gaps that had grown dangerously big - to a point where another one of Riku's soft looks could've ripped them down altogether.

My feet move on their own as they carry me up the stairs and into the closest place to safety that I have. Slamming the door shut behind me, the yells of my aunt fall on deaf ears. I push my back into the door and try to exhale, try to lessen the pressure in my chest. I slide down the door like I did back then. I curl into a ball and wrap my arms around myself, the exact same way I did back then.

"Mom," I whisper into the room, awaiting a response that I'd never get.

And suddenly, the tears start cascading down my cheeks, my choked sobs echoing through the piercing silence of the room. That one memory, that one that I wished to never ever think or dream about again, flashes in front of my eyes like a movie. A horrible, heart wrenching one.

My father appears in front of me, looking like a maniac. His one hand is around my mother's neck and the other one is clenched around the knife that is stuck in her stomach. With his eyes locked onto mine, he twists it, gaining a scream from the one woman that has kept me alive for all those years. I'm frozen, my hands trembling and my heart ringing in my ears.

Suddenly, he storms into my direction and pushes me out of the threshold of his office. Unable to defend myself, I stumble backwards into the hallway.

"You're a fucking disgrace," he spits out before he slams the door shut. The clicking of a lock sounds out, causing my stomach to sink.

Instantly, I lunge at the door, knocking as if my life depended on it. My fear of angering him is long forgotten. I just don't want him to hurt her. He can beat me all he wants, let his friends touch me as much as he wishes, but I don't want him to harm my mother. She can't die, not because of me.

Soon though, my knocking is drowned out by my mother's screams of agony. My heart drops, my movements stilling as I fall to the ground. It's like my mind shut down; my body won't move no matter how hard I try. I'm forced to listen to her shouts while I'm unable to move or at least call for help.

And then, suddenly, everything's silent.

It's like someone turned off the voices - no yelling, no screaming, nothing.

Clutching onto my heart, I let the cries leave my mouth. They're not muffled or suppressed in any way, they're as clear as day and so loud that I'm sure the whole freaking forest can hear it. But right now, I really don't care if anyone hears. I just can't bring myself to care.

I have pressed that memory so far down, that it feels like I'm re-living it now that I let it control me. It hurts. Everything hurts. My heart aches, my stomach feels empty and my head is about to explode. But I need this. Pushing it further away would cause me to lose myself to it completely. I need this.

Right?

So, for the next few hours, I sit there and let the memory take control of every fiber of my body. It tires me out and exhausts me, but at the same time I feel like some weight is being lifted off my chest with every tear that rolls down my cheek. And honestly, as much as it hurts, I need every minute of it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hey there.

I know, this chap is kinda short and more of a space filler, but we got a better understanding of both Riku's and Chester's emotions now.

Also, I didn't want to write anything too crazy yet, because like I already said the last few chapters were about only 24 hours, so it'd be weird.

probably be that a week or so passed by, I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, sorry for the long wait, am having a bit of a writer's block rn and I'm feeling worse by the day, so yeah.

Love y'all! Stay safe!

❤

- L I S A