• • •

"Harry Edward Styles, get your ass out of that room right now."

I rolled over onto my side, my back facing my bedroom door as I ignored Nick's call. I don't know why he was even here, but I didn't bother asking.

I can't leave this room. I can't risk running into Maddie. Whenever I see her, I want to do more than just look at her. I want to hold her, and her kiss her...and touch her in ways I can't even begin to explain how inappropriate they are. I needed every ounce of her being.

It's not that I didn't want to be around her. I just physically couldn't be around her without the intrusive dirty thoughts entering my mind.

At least that's what I tell myself.

While she was in New York, I did quite a lot of thinking to myself and I came to terms with the fact that I was making all these excuses as to why I keep ignoring her, when really it was because I was afraid.

I was afraid that she would tell me she regretted kissing me that night that we should stay friends. But then I kept thinking that I wouldn't be good enough for her anymore.

I was also afraid of hurting her again and losing her for a second time. I would not be able to live with myself.

I continued to distract myself with my phone, going through old photos, sighing when I came across a picture of Maddie on my back and kissing my cheek while we were at the beach. I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I looked at it.

• • •

"Wait! Take a picture of us before we jump." I asked my sister excitedly.

We stood on the dock that ended about thirty feet past the shore of the lake and ten feet above the water, and Zayn had dared Maddie and I to jump in.

"Okay. Smile." Gemma said as she held her phone up towards Maddie and I.

I smiled and put my arm around her shoulder, but she shrugs it off and jumps onto my back, a laugh escaping my lips as I wrap my arms around her knees to hold her up.

"Take it!" She says with so much enthusiasm, pressing her lips to my cheek as I tightened my grip on her, smiling wider than before.

"Got it!" Gemma exclaimed before putting her phone in her bag so it wouldn't get wet.

"Finally. Now jump already or I'll push you both off." Zayn said with a smirk on his face. "I'm giving you ten seconds or you owe me $50." He added, pointing at Maddie.

"Get your wallet ready." She says, hopping off of me and standing on the edge of the boardwalk, pulling her shirt over her head and revealing her red bikini top.

It should not be legal to look this beautiful, but she made it possible.

"10..." he started to count, but she had already jumped off, making sure to hold her middle finger up at him before she hit the warm water. I jump in soon after, searching for her as soon as I came up for air.

A small splash was heard beside me and I look over to see her swimming over to me. "That was fun." I smiled with her, gripping her waist under the water and holding her up.

"Of course it was. I just won fifty dollars." She winked, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and her legs around my hips. I held her closer as I took in this beautiful moment with the most beautiful girl in my arms. Everything is perfect.

She is perfect.

My wet curls had covered half of my face so she brought one hand up and pushed them back. I saw her fighting a smile as I kept my eyes on her, which only made mine widen.

"I love you."

She wrapped her arm back around my shoulder, clinging to me as we stayed in our spot in the water. Her eyes finally meet mine and I have never seen her happier than she did right now. I could feel how much she loves me just by how she is looking at me. I look at her the same way and I never want this feeling to leave.

"I love you too." She says back, grinning and lowering her head before her wet lips touched mine and moved them together tenderly. I didn't waste a second to respond by kissing her back.

I bit down on her lip and she parted them, allowing my tongue to slip through. Just as the kiss got more intense, there was a loud splash behind us and we were hit with water, making us pull apart breathlessly.

"I would like if I didn't have to see you shoving your tongue down her throat." Of course it was Zayn.

"Then don't look." Maddie claps back as rolls her eyes at him and pushes herself off of me, splashing Zayn with a large amount of salt water.

He sputters and starts to splash her back, but she nudges my arm under the water and nods towards the shore. I nod and we both go under the water and swim towards the shallow area, escaping from him before he could come after us.

• • •

"Harry, you need to leave this room." I hear Nick sigh from the other side of the door.

The lump in my throat returned but I quickly swallowed it and shut my phone off. He is right. I can't keep torturing myself like this.

I get up slowly from my bed, dragging myself to the door and opening it up, earning a relieved look from Nick.

"Thank god. I was starting to think you were dead."

My lips held a frown as I leaned against the frame, looking down at the white socks on my feet. "Sorry. I just haven't been feeling like myself."

"I can see that. What happened?" He asked worriedly. "You can talk to me, ya know."

I shrugged and walked out of the room, sitting down on the couch in the living room.

"Something happened between you and Maddie?"

Yes. We shared the most amazing kiss and it left me wanting more. Her lips are still as soft as I remember them, and the taste was as addicting as always. I just want to know if she felt the same.

I haven't told anyone, and I don't plan to anytime soon. Except my silence and gaze avoidance gives him the answer he is looking for.

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" He questioned. Not in a teasing way like at the mall, but in a sorrowful and sympathetic way.

I nodded slowly, my eyes stinging as I blinked a few times, picking at the black polish on my nails. Admitting that to someone that wasn't myself made me feel better, but that just made this more real for me.

"What do I do, Nick?" I whispered, feeling completely hopeless

"Uh, tell her!" He emphasizes, looking at me like the answer was obvious.

"I can't." I mumbled, putting my face into my hands.

"Why not?"

"What if she doesn't feel the same? Then what? I can't be friends with her when I feel this way. It's too hard!" I say out of frustration, furiously running my hand though my hair that was annoyingly getting in my face.

"You're so blind, Harry. It genuinely worries me." Nick scoffs, sitting next to me on the couch. Before I can ask what he means, he speaks again. "There is no way in hell that Maddie does not feel the same. Anyone with eyes can see that. I've known that woman since we were in diapers, so take my word for it."

I stayed quiet, knowing arguing with him will get me nowhere.

"Look, hiding away from her isn't going to help you achieve anything. If you won't tell her how you feel, then at least stop ignoring her. We have been back for three days and I can see how much not seeing you is affecting her." He finishes off, patting my shoulder. "She misses her friend."

"That's the thing, Nick. I don't want to be just a friend to her. I want her. I want her to want me back." I nearly got ready to pull my hair out in frustration. My love for Maddie has never been this overwhelming and it was genuinely terrifying.

I wouldn't see myself as a selfish person, but when it comes to Maddie, selfish is all I want to be.

"I know, man. Just give it time and things will fall into place. Believe me, you two were meant for each other." Nick says, obviously not knowing what else to say to help me.

Just to satisfy him, I nod. "Okay." He was right, and I hated him for that. I can't keep ignoring Maddie just because of how I feel. She doesn't deserve that.

"Great!" Nick cheered, looking a lot more relaxed as he grabbed my face and kissed my forehead aggressively.

I push him away and look at him weirdly because not once in our lives has he ever done that. "Gross." I chuckled, running a hand through my hair and wiping the spot he kissed.

"I'm just tryna get you to smile." He smiled, standing up and walking towards the front door. "Now, I should go before Zayn realizes I stole his key."

I have to admit, I felt the smallest bit better after that talk, but I didn't know what to do. As obsessive at it sounds, I can't live without Maddie.

• • •

"Oh...my...god." I mimicked, causing a laugh to escape Maddie's lips above me.

"Chandler Bing." She says in the same voice, the both of us now erupting with laughter at our attempts to mock Janice from Friends.

She fell back onto the grass, trying to contain her laughter, afraid she might wake people up at this ungodly hour. It was almost two in the morning and we were laying in the middle of a field next to a children's park. This seemed to be our spot whenever we were out this late.

We've been stargazing for the past hour and a half in attempt to take our minds off of the fact that she picked me up from a party drunk off my ass a while ago. She was upset with me at first, but I've sobered up a little and distracted her by making her laugh.

My head was resting on her lap as she sat back up, her fingers threading into my hair. The comfort I felt made me close my eyes, but my mind clouded with things I did not want to think about.

With everything going on with my dad trying to come back into my life, she's the only person keeping me grounded. But I had to leave her and it killed me. I just hated that I gave her the stress of depending on her so much these past couple months.

She deserves someone who doesn't call her every single night drunk as fuck, begging to be held by her. She shouldn't have to put up with me like this every night and I know she's tired of it all. Sometimes I feel like she's happy I'm leaving so she wouldn't have to deal with her nineteen year old alcoholic boyfriend.

I remove my head from her lap and sit up beside her so she doesn't see the tears on my face, but she knows me better than I know myself.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Her caring gaze and gentle hands grabbed both sides of my face and wipes my tears away, her touch making me feel better and worse at the same time.

My eyes brimming with more tears, I forced myself to look at her, and it broke me to see how worried she was.

"Are you happy I'm leaving?" I found myself asking her.

A frown formed on her face and she shook her head. "No. I will never be happy about you leaving, Harry." She says seriously. We've been through this talk many times already, and she seemed so sure with her answer every time. "I know you keep thinking I am tired of watching you drown yourself like this and taking care of you. While it is tiring, I would never even let the thought of ending this cross my mind. I love and care about you too much to let you go through this alone."

My bottom lip trembled at her words, and the honesty written all over her face was all that I needed. I believed her, and I hated that even after moments like this I would continue to doubt myself. She's my everything.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I whispered, looking between the sadness in her hazel eyes I love so much.

Instead of saying anything, she gently pressed her lips to my own, the mixture of my salty tears and her cherry chapstick fueling me to kiss her back. She was careful with the way she moved, like she was afraid to do the wrong thing even though we've done this many times. She was always careful with me whenever I was vulnerable, and that made me love her more than I could possibly imagine.

"Let's not worry about that until the time comes, okay?" She whispers to me once she pulls away, her eyes visibly become glossy. The fact that we don't know what is going to happen after I leave is scaring her too.

All I can do is nod and press another kiss to her lips. "Okay."

• • •