And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

'Cause most of us are bitter over someone;

Setting fire to our insides for fun,

To distract our hearts from ever missing them,

But I'm forever missing him.

-Daughter

M A R N I E

It has been a couple of hours since I reached home. I was simply laying down on the bed when I hear a knock on the door.

"Come in," I call out lazily, I'm dressed in a pair of Nan's shorts and floral shirt. I had run out of comfortable clothes and she insisted on letting me borrow them.

"Hey." Val walked in with two bowls in her hand.

"Hi." I got up confused as she offered me one bowl. My eyes went wide in surprise and then I grinned out of happiness.

It was my favourite mawa jalebi. Or khoya jalebi.

"No way." I smiled as the sweet fragrance hit my nose. It was warm.

"Thank you for returning home." She says, her voice thick and a relieved smile on her face.

"What do you mean?" I ask grabbing one with the tip of my fingers and taking a bite.

"I almost thought you would love it too much with Arthur." She shrugged and I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up." I smile and she raises an eyebrow.

"Spill." Ugh, there's Val. Always knowing what was going on.

"I and Art kissed." I blurt out and she nods slowly.

"And um also some other things," I say looking down at my food and she squeals.

"You whore. I knew it." She gasps slapping my hand and I laugh.

"What?" I let out and she shrugs.

"Jackson dropped by a couple days ago just to see what you were dressing up as-" I interrupt her.

"Dressing up?" I ask and she nods slowly, confused.

"For his father's ball thingy?" She trails off and I nod.

Shit, I forgot about that.

"He said that he dropped by Arthur's to drop the invitation too but she wasn't around. I said that you guys were in Sicily for the weekend, and he bet that you guys would kiss I bet saying it might be more. That fucker owes me 20." She shrugged and I slapped at her hand reaching for my jalebi.

"Ew, you are gross." I fake shuddered but I took no offence to the information.

"Anyways, tell me how the weekend was." She jumped a little in her seat and I sighed.

"A fucking fever dream. I mean we went to parties after parties. Oh, there was a party in a fucking mansion?" I say it like a question and she raises her brow urging me to tell her more.

"Hot people everywhere. I met this guy Karl who loves doing crazy shit at parties. I'm pretty sure at one point I saw a guy putting one of those rocket firecrackers in his ass and then the whole sky lit up. The band played so well, the hotel was perfect. We also went to Enna to meet her grandma Nan and oh my god, the house was so gorgeous. Even the drive to get there. Ugh, it was all so perfect." I plop down on the bed licking my fingers as I finish eating the jalebi.

"Sounds amazing, I'm glad you had a great time." She smiles kissing my cheek and I smile back.

"I did," I whisper smiling thinking back on the weekend. I know I skipped out on the whole Enzo thing but I don't think it really matters. It's behind me now.

"Oh, also a really pretty girl dropped by I think her name is Willow." She said and I perked up.

"She did?" I ask and Val nods getting up and passing me the bad I didn't realise she brought in with her.

"She said that she has been reaching out to you but you didn't pick up so she figured you were home. But you weren't." Val says and I internally curse grabbing my phone.

"Okay, ill leave you to doing whatever you were before." Val sighs getting up and I nod smiling before unlocking my phone and going straight to calling Will.

After 3 rings she picks up.

"Finally, you called." Will groans and I laugh?

"What's going on?" I ask hearing her rummage.

"We can speak over lunch." She says and I look at my calendar.

"Would tomorrow be okay? I'll meet you as soon as I leave from school." I ask I haven't been to school since a very long time.

"Of course. Uh, we can decide on the place when we meet." She says quickly and before I know it we bid goodbye and I'm left in silence again.

I look at the cans of paint I had bought many many weeks ago in the corner of my room and sigh getting off the bed and removing all the books adorning my shelves.

I change into my overalls covered in paint and pop open the cans.

•

It is very late at night and my whole body is cramped but with the dim lights, I continue to paint, not caring that it was a school night.

That was the thing about me, I always finished what I started.

I had so much to do this week, study for an upcoming test, prepare for the St. John ball, study everything I missed out on.

A knock resounds on the door and I perk up.

"Come in," I say softly thinking its Val but dad walks in.

"I knew you would be awake," He whispers looking around my room. I give him a small smile and he settles on my bed.

"That's a beautiful shade," He comments and I lean back looking at the shelf.

"I know right." I grin and he sighs a moment later.

"I know that you have been a bit behind on your studies and I want you to know that you won't have to stress about it," He mentions and my eyebrows furrow as my back is still turned to him whilst I continue painting.

"Of course, but what's wrong?" I ask and he sighs, I fully turn around and look at him.

"I don't know, you've been stressed a lot lately. I mean, you didn't even join us for dinner tonight. you skip meals at the time too." He says, his shoulders sagging and I realise this is the first time ive seen this side of my dad.

"I'm sorry for worrying you." I whisper getting up and sitting beside him. A part of me happy that he was at least worried.

"Ah theres nothing for you to apologise about, i just worry. I'm a dad afterall." I lay my head on his shoulder and he props his chin over my head.

"Okay." I whisper.

"I know that me and your mom haven't done the best job at being parents. We yell, we fight, we do things parents shouldn't. And I am really sorry for that. I know at times you feel lonely, I want you to know I'll always be here." he whispers and tears brim at my eyes but I blink them back.

"I'm so sorry for not being a good father but I swear I will try." he whispers his voice cracking and I want to tell him that it might be too late for him to redeem in my eyes as a father but I can always hope for him to get better.

"You're not the worst." I sniffle and he chuckles.

"I am on that edge though." He says and I dont answer to that I simply kiss his cheek.

"Well, I'll get you to your work, yeah?" He sighs getting up after kissing the top of ny head.

"Goodnight, I love you." I whisper feeling like a child again.

Every night I would tell him I loved him but he rarely replied back, I felt hollow.

"Goodnight." He say and I grit my teeth not letting him see me upset.

"I love you." He says after a moment or two of silence and the child in me is slowly healing.

When I was a kid me and my dad had the best relationship. He loved me I loved him back. But as I started growing up the dad that I needed was disappearing.

Soon our relationship was distant, estranged if that's what you would like to call it.

Then started the emotional pain, I waited for him everytime but he simply walked away.

I would tell him I loved him he would never say it back, I would tell him about all my accomplishments and he wouldn't care. I would tell him how I got a 98 in geometry and he would reply back with why I didn't get a 99 or 100.

It was impossible reaching his standards, they were sky high and I was terrified of heights.

The worst part? When I confided in my mom about how i felt she sided with my dad. Saying that he was just tired that he had to work too much.

But maybe me going on this trip was essential to get us back to his unbreakable we were. So when I popped those lids on those cans and slid under the cover I did so with hope.

ive been