Stars don't disappear, they keep blazing

-Stargazing by Kygo ft. Justin Jesso

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Despite the night Alex and I had spent together, things were still tense. We barely spoke. He would text me every day to ask how I was doing but other than that, we didn't speak. It broke my heart, but he needed space and so did I. We were both in pain and didn't know how to deal with it.

He wasn't talking to Luke, either. In fact, Luke was staying with me at my dad's. Their interactions were quite interesting, but Luke was so overwhelmed with the situation with Alex that he didn't try to annoy my dad much. That's how I knew that he was disappointed.

But I missed Alex, especially on this day.

Angie's birthday.

We had made plans to visit Angie's grave, but he hadn't text me so far and it was already past noon. Luke had volunteered to go with me, but I wanted Alex. I at least needed his presence even if he didn't hold me.

Sometimes just seeing someone eases the pain without even hugging, without talking. I knew that it would be the case if Alex was there with me. I needed to visit Angie, if not I wouldn't get the closure that I needed. I had come to terms with her death, but there were certain things I wanted to say to her, even if I knew that she couldn't hear me.

Addie had tried to contact Luke, but he was angry. Ignoring all her calls only seemed to encourage her though, because what had begun as only one or two calls a day, became six or seven. He claimed he wasn't holding a grudge, but that he didn't want to say something that he would regret.

I fell asleep for a couple of hours while Luke watched TV in my room. He always spent his time with me when he wasn't working. I think he feared confronting the fact that his friendship with Alex may never be the same. He had even said to me that he was starting to look for his own place.

"Leenie, dear, your phone," I opened my eyes only to find Luke's blue one's looking down at me. "Alex is calling you."

At the mention of his name all sleep was gone. I sat up, and tried to contain my happiness. Maybe we would be able to visit Angie after all.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey, were you sleeping?" Alex asked. I heard his car turning on in the background.

"Yes, a little bit. How are you?"

"Good. I was wondering if you still wanted to visit Angie? I know it's a bit late but I got busy. I got the job at the university."

"You did?" He'd been looking forward to it. Things were looking up for Alex after all.

"Yes," he said with a small chuckle. "Do you want to go?"

I glanced over at Luke, who was acting like he was't listening to the conversation. He smiled though, when he guessed that Alex had gotten the job.

"I do. But I want Luke to come with us."

Alex sighed. "It's only fair that he comes. I'll be there in a few, Addie might come along too, though. Marty will be there later."

"Okay, that's fine."

We hung up and I changed clothes. Luke also went on to change not once complaining that we'd be going with Alex. I stared at the little gift that I had bought for her, an Elsa doll. She wouldn't ever play with it, but hopefully from heaven she could see that I always thought about her.

When Alex arrived, the tension was present. He only gave me a small smile but I was glad he was here nonetheless. Addie was there too and though typically I consider myself a courteous person, I didn't greet her. Luke didn't acknowledge either one.

The sun had begun to set when we arrived at the cemetery. Just the feeling of being surrounded by people who were loved at some point but were no longer here was overwhelming. We were all quiet as we walked to what was Angie's resting place, my heart constricting even further than I thought possible.

At one point the emotional pain was so much that it cause my steps to falter. I took Luke's arm, who somehow saw what I was feeling and immediately held me close to him. He held me up as we reached her tombstone, decorated with same flowers she had chosen just weeks before she passed for Moretti's yard.

"Who's been bringing flowers?" I asked, hating how my voice broke.

"We take turns," said Luke. "Between Marty, Alex, your dad and I. It's been that way since before the day you left."

I nodded, struggling with the lump in my throat. Addie looked pained for the first time since I came back, as if she somehow caught on to the pain we had felt at the loss of Angie. Alex was the first to kneel down, placing a bouquet that he had brought. I didn't miss the murmured words he spoke and the way he gently caressed the photo of Angela. I felt my heart shatter a bit more.

Luke hadn't brought anything, but knelt nonetheless. Gone was the witty man I knew; his shoulders slouched as he stared at the tombstone. A few minutes later he stood and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"I'll go wait over there," he murmured. He pointed to where Alex waited with Addie. They were hugging.

"Okay," I said, despite the fact that I wanted so desperately for someone to hold me.

It was as if we were back at the funeral. Eileen was sitting in front of the grave with her legs bent and her head on her knees as she hugged them. It was the only thing stopping her from coming undone.

"Are you okay?" Addie asked, hugging me.

"Yes," I said, placing a kiss on her head. Lucas was leaning on a tree, alone.

"I'm sorry if I don't understand what you have with her," Addie whispered. "But I know you loved that little girl, I know this hurts you."

"It does."

Luke walked up to us, stopping for a moment but then continuing.

"You should go over there," he said nodding towards Eileen. "She needs you."

I would have argued with him, had it not been for the way I saw Eileen's body trembling. Addie nodded as well, surprising me. It felt like an eternity for me to reach her, but as soon as I did I sat next to her, wrapping my arms around her.

She didn't hesitate, and I sat her on my lap, cradling her in my arms. Eileen buried her face in my neck, her hands holding on to the doll she had bought for her. I could see, I could feel her pain in each shake of her body, in each one of her sobs. This grief was her disease and there was no cure for it.

"It.. It fucking hurts," she sobbed.

"I know, Eileen."

"You know I hear her in my dreams sometimes?"

"You do?" I smiled. Angie was with her still. She would never completely leave her.

"Yes. I haven't lately, but I do."

"That's good. You need to say hi for me whenever she visits you in your dreams," I murmured, kissing her forehead. The kiss seemed to steady her, as her body relaxed into my hold. Her body stopped trembling, only leaving slight hiccuping.

An hour passed where we just sat there. Luke still was standing where he had been waiting and Addie was waiting in the car already. Eileen yawned; she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

"Say bye-bye to your mommy," I said to the grave.

"Good night, baby," Eileen murmured.

I picked her up and carried her to the car. I didn't have to tell Luke to drive; he already knew.

Eileen and I walked in silence up to her bedroom at her dad's house. Her dad and Nicole were out, and Luke and Addie were downstairs talking- or so I hoped. Once we walked in the room, Eileen dropped her purse and pulled down the traps of her dress, letting it fall to the floor. She didn't once meet my gaze which was fixated on her body.

After debating it, I took out my phone and sent a message.

You can take the car if you want, I'm staying here. Good night, Addie. - Alex

I removed my clothes and climbed on top of her, kissing her deeply.

She always tasted so fucking sweet.

Her arms wrapped around my neck and her legs opened for me so that I could settle between them. She moaned when my hand traveled down, cupping her core. She was my drug. No matter what happened, I'd always come back to her.

She had taught me far more than I could have ever learned on my own.

"Make it go away," she whispered.

Those brown eyes were the very gate to every part of her heart, of her fucking soul. I could see everything that she felt within them. She was as transparent and bright as her name implied. But that brightness was dulling, I knew that.

"We shouldn't be doing this," I told her, my fingers not leaving her. She was wet for me; we both knew we were too far in to stop.

"Why?" The question came out as more of a moan when I curled my finger inside her.

"We have no fucking clue what's going to happen between us," I murmured, removing my hand from between her legs. She wrapped them around my waist, not letting me move away from her.

She had no fucking clue how weak she made me. And with her, I didn't give a damn.

I pushed into her, waiting for the gasp she always let out when I entered her. I groaned, kissing her. Her nails clawed at my back and I watched her come undone after just a few moments. She had been barely holding on from the moment we started.

I spent the night doing exactly as she asked me; making her pain go away.

She didn't know she was easing my own.

A loud gasp woke me up. I glanced at the time, three a.m. Eileen had her eyes open but wasn't moving. She looked scared. Her hand moved, reaching for mine and I held it. She squeezed it tightly as I soothed her.

She'd had a nightmare.

It took a few minutes for her to relax herself enough to move and speak, but as soon as she did my arms were surrounding her once again.

That fucking trauma would never leave her.

It didn't matter if she took therapy or if she was seventy. Gerald had fucked her up.

"I'm sorry, I-"

I shushed her as our legs tangled underneath the sheets.

"I'm here, Eileen. Go back to sleep."

A/N: So they spend yet another night together.

Poor Eileen, after a long time the nightmares returned.

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Preview Ch 36 - Is this real?