I stared out the window overlooking the city of Milan with a blank expression on my face. I hadn't move or made a sound since I found out that I had a miscarriage. I was pregnant and I lost the baby.

I couldn't even bare to look at Michael. I knew the moment I'd look at him, I'd lose it and this nightmare would all become so real. And more than anything the guilt I've felt this past hour was unbearable. I just prayed he didn't blame me too.

I heard the door to my hospital room open. In my peripheral vision, I saw Michael move in the chair by the bed and a tug on my hand as he did so. He hadn't let go since I got here and that gave me some sort of comfort.

I continued to stare out the window, not even minding who had just walked in. I heard Michael talking to whoever it was, but I was too lost in my own thoughts to actually comprehend what they were discussing.

The conversation ceased and I felt Michael's grip loosen as he came into view. He bent down beside the hospital bed, but I still couldn't look at him. He smoothed back my hair, "Smiles," he said as his voice cracked, "look at me."

I still didn't move a muscle. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. "I need you to look at me," he said again but I still stayed where I was looking out the window. "Please," he begged, sounding like he'd break down at any moment.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and slowly diverted my eyes to meet his. His eyes were bloodshot red and filled with so much pain and anguish. I felt my eyes start to water but I blinked hard trying my absolute hardest to make them go away.

"The doctor is here to talk to us okay," he said softly, tucking my hair behind my ear. I slowly nodded. And here comes what will probably be one of the most painful conversations I will ever have.

"Okay," Michael said, wiping my eyes and standing up, still keeping a tight grip on my hand. I turned on my back and sat up in the bed. My back was still killing me and I was cramping really bad but they told me to expect that.

I slowly looked up at the doctor and he gave me a sympathetic smile, one I couldn't return. "Hi, Ms. Richmond, I'm Dr. Russo. I am so sorry for your loss. It's an honor to meet you. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances," he said and I nodded at him.

I swallowed hard, shaking. I felt Michael squeeze my hand as a sign of comfort to try and calm me. "As you and Mr. Jackson are aware, you suffered a early miscarriage. You were 4 weeks and a few days pregnant," he said and I looked down unable to hold eye contact with anyone.

Our baby was a month old meaning I got pregnant some time around Michael's birthday. Funny how Janet talked about Michael and I getting pregnant that night and it looks like I did, but the worst part, I'll never get to meet him or her.

I looked over at Michael and saw tears rolling down his face. He quickly wiped them as soon as he felt them roll down his face. I wish I could just disappear and not deal with this right now. I don't think I'm ready for it.

"Were you aware you were pregnant?" the doctor asked. "No," I said quietly. That was the first word I had said since I got here. The doctor nodded slowly, "I know this isn't an easy conversation so if you want me to stop and try again later, we can," Dr. Russo said. Michael looked at me.

I really debated this idea. I didn't want to hear that I had lost my baby but a part of me wanted to get on with it so I could focus on my broken spirit.

I looked back at me, "It's up to you," Michael said quietly caressing my hand with his thumb. "You can continue," I said, wanting to be strong. Dr. Russo took a deep breath, "Now, I don't want you to think that this was your fault, because it wasn't. Miscarriages within the first 20 weeks is actually very common. In your case, chromosomes are little building blocks of DNA that a fetus gets from both the mother and the father. These blocks contain a detailed set of instructions that control a wide range of things such as how the body develops and even what eye color the baby will have," he said.

Michael and I nodded in understanding. "But," he continued, "Sometimes things go wrong at the point of conception and the fetus can receive either too many chromosomes or too little. In your case, there was too little resulting in a miscarriage. However, that does not mean there is something wrong with you and Mr. Jackson, the reasons behind this are still very unclear and there isn't enough scientific data on it for an explanation, but unfortunately that is what happened with your pregnancy."

I felt tears rolling down my face but I didn't even bother to wipe them away. I was hurting and it was obvious. I didn't know what to say or what to think.

I heard Michael clear his throat beside me, "What are the chances of this recurring if she were to get pregnant in the future? Does this lower her fertility rate?" Michael asked. I closed my eyes, gulping in fear of him answering this question and telling me something I didn't want to hear.

"No, that's the bright side of this. This has nothing to do with you and Ms. Richmond. This doesn't lower her chance of getting pregnant and chances of something like this happening again is very slim," he said and internally I let out a sigh of relief.

If he had said I couldn't get pregnant or my chances were low, I don't know what I would have done.

Michael sighed in relief next to me as well. He looked at me, "Do you hear that?" he asked, "We can still get pregnant." I looked at him and gave him a small smirk, nodding. I couldn't even think of getting pregnant right now. I had just lost my first baby.

"Ma'am, do you have any questions for me?" Dr. Russo asked. I swallowed sitting up and grimacing because of my back pain, "What should I expect? I've-I've never experienced this before," I said choking up.

"You're going to notice some changes in your body. It'll go through the same changes as if you delivered full term so expect things like mood swings, fatigue, and you may or may not feel irritable," he said and I nodded, "For the first two weeks, you'll still have some cramping and bleeding which is normal. It'll be similar to a menstruation cycle and as time goes on , it'll get lighter and then go away. The nausea will go away as the days go by as well."

"Thank you," I whispered looking up at the ceiling. God I can't believe this happened to me and just when life was going right for me. I was so happy. So content with everything in my life and then this- a pain I have never experienced and one I already don't wish on my worst enemy.

"And as you know, we had to remove your IUD. We suggest waiting at least 2-3 months, if you and Mr. Jackson is willing, but we suggest waiting 2-3 month until you try to conceive again. We also suggest no sexual intercourse for at least 6 weeks and a pelvic exam is conducted," Dr. Russo said. Sex was absolutely the last thing on my mind right now.

"But, to prevent pregnancy for at least 2-3 months, the only birth control we'd recommend is the pill. If that's what you want to do, and you have time to think about it, we can get you a prescription in a week," he added, "Does that sound like something you'd want to do?"

I swallowed, "Um, yeah-yeah," I stuttered and he nodded, writing it down in the notes. "Okay, well that's all I have. Any more questions?" he asked, looking between me and Michael. I shook my head and so did Michael, "No, that's all for now," Michael said for us.

Dr. Russo nodded, "Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but please, don't let this stop you from wanting children. I know this is all scary, but you can try again if you'd like," he said and I gave him a small smile.

"Thank you, Doctor," I said and he nodded at me and Michael turning to leave. "Oh, one more thing, you'll be discharged tonight," he said before he walked out.I heard the door close and I sighed, at least I didn't have to stay here. I felt the tears come back and I closed my eyes, not wanting them to fall. I started shaking. I kept telling myself to not break down but I was at the brink of it.

I felt Michael sit down in the bed and his hand came up to smooth down my hair as he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "I love you," he whispered, kissing my forehead again. I felt his tears on my face and I shook my head. "Do you really still love me?" I asked choking up, feeling so guilty, "You don't have to say that. I understand if you feel different towards me."

Michael pulled away shaking his head vigorously with tears in his eyes, "No," he said, frowning up in disbelief, "That's not true. How could you think that? If anything, my love for you has grown. If I feel different towards you, it's because I can't comprehend the amount of love I have for you."

"But I lost our baby," I said as my voice cracked, "I-I can't believe that I didn't know I was pregnant. If I would've known there was so much I would've done differently." Michael grabbed me, pulling me into his chest, "Shh," he whispered, "Don't think like that. You heard Dr. Russo, this didn't have anything to do with you. It wasn't your fault," he said, pulling away to wipe my tears, "It wasn't your fault," he repeated.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Michael, I know how bad you wanted kids," I cried. He cradled my head, "It's okay, it's okay. Don't apologize. Does it hurt? Yeah," he said, swaying me side to side, "But it's gonna be okay. We're going to get through this together. I promise you and I'm going to be there, right by your side through this. We're going to heal from this together."

I nodded in his arms, "And if and when you're ready, we can try again. It hurts but it isn't the end of the world," he said and I pulled back to look him in the eye. "You still want to have kids with me?" I asked. He nodded dramatically, "Absolutely. There's no one else I want to have my kids with than you."

"But what if I have another miscarriage?" I asked. He sighed, "I don't want us thinking negatively, but if that's the case, we can keep trying or there's other ways; surrogates, adoption, IVF, all of that," he answered.

I nodded slowly. It went silent as we both thought to ourselves, "This hurts so bad. I wanted nothing more than to give you a child and I couldn't even do that," I whispered, interrupting our silence. Michael grabbed my hands, "I know it hurts and I can't even imagine what the pain and hurt is like for you, but don't worry. We'll get our chance and plus, I thought you didn't want to be pregnant in a wedding dress," he said, making me chuckle a little. So he did still want to marry me. And is this a hint?

I slowly smiled at him, "I didn't," I said and he chuckled. I looked up at him. Only Michael could make me smile and laugh in a moment like this. He made me feel better just that quick.

He stared back at me. He took both of his hands and ran them down my arms stopping by my elbow to gently squeeze them. He pulled me towards him slowly and kissed me slowly.

He slowly pulled away and I wiped the tears out of my eyes. "I love you," he said softly, looking at me with so much love. "I love you," I said, feeling so grateful to be loved by him.

He grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, "My back," I mumbled in his arms. He loosened his grip and pulled back panicking, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked, looking over me. I shook my head, "My back still hurts but it's okay," I said. "I'm sorry," he said, still slightly panicked.

"It's okay," I said snuggling back into him but he was hesitant to wrap his arms around me out of fear of hurting me. I smiled and grabbed his hands wrapping them around me. He held me for a while as I began to grow sad again thinking about everything.

"I understand if this isn't what you want to address right now, so by any means feel free to stop me, but how do you want to go by telling people?" he asked. I sighed. I had totally forgotten about that. I even forgot we were in Milan for a bit.

"I don't know," I croaked. "I definitely don't want the public and the media finding out about this....at least not right now." Michael shook his head, "Oh no, I don't want them to find out either. I'll have John and your lawyer get some NDAs in place to make sure people don't find out about this," he said and I nodded.

"What about family and friends?" he asked. "I'm-," I said, choking up and unable to get any words out. Michael grabbed the sides of my face and kissed my forehead, "It's okay," he whispered, getting emotional because I was. "I'm not ready yet," I whispered.

"Okay, whenever you're ready," he whispered, kissing my forehead again. A nurse came in, "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, going to walk out. "No, it's okay," I said as Michael pulled back. The nurse came in nervously smiling. "I'm here to have you sign your discharge papers," she said, holding them up.

I nodded, wiping my tears as she came over and explained the discharge papers to me. "Okay, I'm going to go copy these, have the doctor sign, and then you'll be able to leave. In the meantime, you can get changed," she said, giving a sad smile. "Thanks," I said looking away from her. I don't like pity parties, but I understand.

I looked at Michael as he sat in the chair, "I don't have any clothes. I just came in a robe that I'm sure has blood on it and I don't wanna see that," I said to him, closing my eyes. "Devon brought you some clothes," he said and I sighed. Devon was the best.

Michael walked over to the counter that had a little teddy bear on it and I got emotional as I stared at it. Michael came back over and handed me a bag with my clothes in it. "Thank you," I said, still staring at the teddy bear. Michael followed my eyes. He grabbed my hand, squeezing it as he looked at the teddy bear.

I looked down, "Can you help me get dressed?" I asked, gaining Michael's attention. "Yeah," he said, wiping his eyes. He helped me get dressed in my clothes and helped me put my shoes on because my back was killing me and my cramps were out of this world.

We left shortly after very discreetly. We made it back to the hotel and a big part of me was scared to go back. Wes had the hotel staff come clean the bathroom, but I still had to face what happened here just hours ago.

Michael helped me in, "Wanna get in bed?" he asked. I nodded and he helped me to the room. I crawled into the bed pulling the covers over me not wanting to be here right now. "Do you need anything?" Michael asked as I felt the bed dip from him sitting in it. "No, I'm okay," I said quietly. "Okay," he said, getting up and leaving me to be for a bit.

I left the room because I didn't want to cry in front of her. I knew she needed someone to be strong for her, so I didn't want her to see me break down. This was a type of pain I had never felt in my life and I wasn't even bearing the child so I can't even imagine how she must feel.

The moment the doctors told us she miscarried as soon as she got admitted, I didn't know what to feel. I was hurt and shocked all at the same time. Shocked because I didn't know she was pregnant and neither did she. And to find out she was because we lost it was heart wrenching.

Without any knowledge of us being pregnant, when the doctors told us she miscarried, it felt as if I had lost someone I knew even though I didn't. It was an unexplainable pain that shot right through my heart that practically took my breath away. And to see Ashley just go mute without really breaking down, I didn't know what to expect but the doctors told me she might break down in a few days, so I have to make sure I keep my eye on her.

And coming back to this hotel room with all that happened here was hard for me too. It symbolized loss and I wanted to move to a different room or better yet go home, but I didn't want to cause Ashley any unnecessary stress.

As I walked into the kitchen, I felt a huge lump in my throat that just wouldn't go down no matter how many times I swallowed. My breathing started to increase and I knew I needed to get out of here and quick so Ashley wouldn't see me.

I left the room and went a few doors down to Bill's door and knocked, "Bill open up, please," I said choking up as I knocked obnoxiously. I heard the door open and saw Bill and Wes. They looked like they were having a talk and I knew it was about what happened. I felt the sad and remorseful energy.

"Joker? What's wrong?" he asked as I started breathing even harder. "Okay come in," he said, opening the door wider. I walked in and heard the door close behind me. "Joker," Wes said as I paced the room.

"What's wrong?" Bill asked as I tried to slow my breathing. They both looked at me probably wondering what's going on. "Joker, have a seat," Bill said and I stopped and looked at them giving me pitiful plees.

"How are you?" Bill asked and that's when I lost it and started breaking down. They quickly came over to comfort me. "Aw man Joker, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now," Wes said, patting my back.

"This hurts so bad," I managed to get out through my forceful tears. I heard them both sigh as I still continued to cry from the pain and heartache. "It's gonna be okay man," Bill said, trying to comfort me.

I was grateful they let me just let out what I was holding back. I needed it and I didn't need to do this in front of Ashley. I didn't want her to see me this broken and distraught. She didn't need this right now.

I gained some composure and sighed. "I'm sorry," I croaked. "Don't apologize," Bill said sitting next to me on the ground. "How is she? She was quiet the whole ride home," Wes asked. I sighed again, "You know she hasn't even really cried? She's shed a few tears, but I don't think it's hit her. The doctors told me to keep an eye on her because it'll hit her and when it does, it'll be bad," I said.

"Poor Smiles. I'm so sorry Joker. I know how bad you want children," Bill said and I nodded slowly. "Man, I can't believe this," Wes said. I chuckled, "Me neither. I never thought this would happen to us," I said, wiping the tears out of my eyes.

"And the worst part is she thinks it's her fault and it's not. She's blaming herself and she shouldn't. That's just going to put her in an even deeper and darker hole and I just pray she'll be able to pull through. I'm scared of what this means for us. I know we're strong, but I'm scared. I don't know what this means for us," I said, letting out a deep breath.

"You guys are strong. You guys can get through this," Bill said and Wes agreed, "Yeah, I agree with Bill. I've never seen two people more in love and infatuated with each other than you."

I nodded, "I know, but the effect this will have on her, I'm just scared. She already asked me if I still loved her today," I said and they gasped. "Really?" they asked. "Yeah," I said nodding, "I mean I assured her I do and that I love her even more now, but she just gets caught up in her head and there's no bringing her back until she wants to."

"I mean, I want her. I want her forever, and I just need her to know that. More than anything I need her to know that. I don't want this to drive her away and shut me out," I added and they slowly nodded taking in what I was saying.