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I'm still shell-shocked over the news I'm going to be a father. With my head between my hands, and elbows resting on my knees, I struggle to clear my mind.

I've always wanted to have children in the future. Ideally in the next few years and with the woman I love. I never expected it to happen like this.

How did this happen? Why wasn't I sensible? How could I have messed up so bad?

I've finally been reunited with the girl I love, we got back together, everything was perfect and suddenly my life has flipped upside down.

Yes, the news was a shock at first that left me speechless. After a lengthy chat with Rosalie -- while she mostly cried in my arms -- I realised I need to man the hell up.

I'm having a child. My child. This is really happening.

No matter what happens from this point on, I have to be there for my kid. So I reassured Rosalie that I would stick by her side through this whole process. Her eyes glossed over and her lips trembled. She wanted to know if we should get married. I froze. My head swirling. We couldn't get married just because we're in this predicament. I didn't love Rosalie.

I couldn't promise her a future because I really didn't know what to make of this situation. All that mattered was this baby and I made that quite clear to her. Rose hesitated but finally agreed nonetheless.

My head pounded from frustration. Anxiety and fear rolled off me in waves. I worried myself sick and I don't know what the fuck to do about it. Marnie will never choose to be with me once I tell her the news. She will think I've lied to her. She will never trust me again.

But what am I supposed to do? I can't lie to her.

I lift the glass with the strong, dark amber liquid to my mouth, drinking every last drop. Drowning in my sorrows, the alcohol seems to calm my mind slightly.

My phone starts to ring and I pick it up without looking at the caller ID. My voice is gravelly as I speak. "Hello?"

My blood runs cold at the familiar voice. "Son, it's me. How are you?" anger courses through my body whenever my father calls -- which is hardly ever. What the hell does he want from me?

"Do you really care? I haven't spoken to you in a year after you decided to check up on me when mom left, again. What the hell are you ringing for this time huh?" my father stays silent for a minute, I thought he hung up until I heard his firm voice.

"I wanted to make things right, you're my son and you just ignore me whenever I try to call--" I laugh bitterly.

"What do you expect? You've always been a shitty father. I left because you couldn't give a damn about me. You choose that gold-digging whore over your son! I tried telling you but you kicked me out instead! The only reason why you're calling me is that you're all alone. I'm doing well for myself, I'm finally that perfect son you always wanted and I did it through music -- the thing you said was a waste of time. Do you regret what you said now? Do you regret pushing me away?"

My heart is racing by the time I spit each word out with venom but damn it felt good to get off my chest after all these years of built-up frustration.

"Yeah, I do." he replies nonchalantly. Fuck. Why is he doing this to me?

My hands shake, and my mouth parts, wanting to release more anger at him. Yet, I don't want to be talking to him anymore. He isn't worth my time. I have my own stuff going on here that I need to sort out. But since we're on the discussion, I need to know why he's always been cold towards me. Why he always pushed me around. I wanted his honesty.

"Why the hell did you treat me like nothing all those years?" I grumble with indifference.

He let out a tired sigh, I can picture him sitting at home, his eyes cold with a fixed snarl on his lips.

"Because I was struggling to come to terms with losing my first son, it made me angry. Your mother and I had our struggles. It was affecting our relationship day by day. I tried helping her because I didn't want to lose her too. Although when I couldn't stop her from leaving me, I took all my anger out on the person who was left with me. You."

I tsked under my breath. "That's bullshit, you hated me and so did mom ever since the car accident. You never looked at me the same since that night. Tell me the truth!"

My father curses angrily, I could tell he was losing his temper with me as he did when I lived with him.

"Tell me!"

"You want to know the truth, fine! The truth is, we felt like you were the cause of the crash and we blamed you for Hayden's death. We hated you! It's your fault he's dead!"

What?

Tears sting the corners of my eyes and a lump forms in my throat. He blamed me.

"What the fuck are you talking about? The crash was caused by a drunk driver! Why was that my fault?" my voice shakes. A tear falls from my eye, thinking about that night.

"Because Hayden picked you up that night! He picked you up from a party outside of town. He was going to Yale University after summer, he had his whole life ahead of him and you took that away because of your reckless lifestyle!"

Silence fills the room. My vision blurs and my hands shake so violently, that I almost lose grip of the phone in my hand.

He was the reason my life was so messed up. Growing up, I was always second best by both my parents. I became emotionless and cold because of the way I was treated by the people who were supposed to love me.

"How dare you. How fucking dare you blame me over something that was out of my control! Fuck you and fuck making things right. I guess you got what you wanted, Dad. You've lost both your sons and now you're a lonely old man. Don't contact me anymore, I'm done with all this."

I hang up the phone and throw it on the sofa, I rake my hair between my fingers. My breathing is erratic and tears run down my face freely.

Why isn't anything simple in life? Why can't I be happy with the woman I love?

Everything is messed up. My life is messed up.

I grab the whiskey from the coffee table, topping up my glass, forgetting all the shit plaguing my mind.

I can hear loud knocking somewhere in the distance, but my eyes remain closed. After a while, the knocking gets louder and harder, making me groan and my head pound. I roll on my back, blinking my eyes open. What the hell? Where am I?

I sit up, my eyes adjusting to the bright room. I'm still in the same clothes I was in last night. I'm lying on the floor of my living room, two empty bottles of whiskey beside me.

I stumble to my feet, walking to the door on shaky legs. My head is foggy and my stomach twists uncomfortably. I open the door, ready to tell whoever was knocking to piss off.

I come face to face with two very angry faces. Jared and Maddox look at me with slightly worried expressions. "Where the hell have you been?"

I wince, scratching the side of my head in confusion. What time is it? "Huh?"

Jared walks through the doorframe, followed by Maddox. They both walk into the living room while I close the door behind them. "We've been calling you for the last eight hours. We had that interview last night, but you didn't show up?"

I close my eyes, groaning. Fuck. My head has been such a mess, I completely forgot about it. "Shit. I'm sorry guys, some stuff happened last night."

I feel guilty, I keep letting not just my band -- but many other people down because of my own selfish reasons. Sometimes my head drifts off and I forget about the things I'm supposed to be doing. "Are you okay?" Jared asks.

"I fucked up." my head aches from the alcohol I consumed last night and also the stress that lead me to the booze in the first place. I can't remember most of the night, I must have passed out.

"How?" Jared and Maddox sit on the sofa, watching me with a mix of concern and annoyance. I'm not surprised, I'd be pissed at myself too.

"Marnie and I are together." my heart stutters at the thought of my Angel. So sweet, so beautiful.

Jared raises a dark brow, "Okay? I don't see how this is an issue. I thought that's what you wanted for years, right?"

The boys knew about Marnie. The first time we met at the bar years ago, I got drunk and told them about the girl who took my heart. I was broken when she left me, I was broken for years but I still had hope that we would someday reunite.

"Yeah, it was. I finally got the girl of my dreams, my Angel. Everything was perfect. And then I came home and Rosalie was here. She told me she was pregnant and the baby was mine."

The atmosphere grew tense, I bet you could hear a pin drop in the silent room.

"What?!"

"Holy shit."

Both boys said at the same time, I'm surprised Maddox had spoken since he's usually a guy with very few words.

I nod my head, feeling my stomach twist and roll. "She said we slept together at an afterparty six weeks prior. I don't remember shit."

The boys exchange confused glances, and then I sigh and continue speaking sullenly.

"After that reaction, I had a phone call from my dad. Let's just say it didn't go well. Everything is just... a mess." I apologise to the boys, I know I should have messaged them last night. My head was fried and I was in a very dark place I couldn't get out of.

"What are you going to do?" Jared asks after a moment of silence.

"I have to put the baby first. It's my priority and I'm scared I'll lose Marnie." the thought terrifies me, almost like a spear has punctured my heart. I couldn't lose her.

"Maybe she'll understand?" I shake my head abruptly.

"No, she'll think I've lied to her. She won't ever trust me again."

Maddox got to his feet and walked toward me, he places a hand on my shoulder. "Reese, I know you love this girl, but life doesn't always go according to plan. You just have to be the bigger person and deal with your responsibilities. You need to be brave and face this, man."

My mouth hung open as I stared at Maddox. It's the most I've ever heard him speak. He is right. I need to stop being selfish and face this. As much as I feel terrible for leaving my band again, I had to talk to Marnie.

So after a while of back and forth and deliberating what I'm going to tell her, I grab my keys from the coffee table and head for the door. I know what I need to do and it kills me to have to do this. However, this is the right thing. The most painless thing for her.

I'd give anything -- anything -- to have her in my arms right now. I feel sick. There's no way I can go back and change the past.

After all the time, planning to win the woman I love over... now I have to let her go.

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