All my mind could comprehend was that I had to make her understand.

I didn't want to loose another amazing person in my life.

Maybe I'm being a fucking cheesehead but she was important to me. She made me feel alive again and not so shitty.

Even though, at the moment, she made me feel really shitty.

But that's because I was or am, a shit head that possibly doesn't deserve her.

And I say possibly because I'm going to try to keep her, I'm going to make an effort to not let her walk away from me, but if even after I explain everything...and she still doesn't want me...

I'm gonna have to let her go.

Who knows, maybe I'll get over her and find someone else, but for the moment, I wanted her.

So I led her to the only place that'd let me be me, that tricked me into thinking I was talking to my mom sometimes instead of nobody but nature and the view.

I took her to the hill because I knew it'd be the only place where I could explain clearly instead of all over the place.

I sat not too far off the edge,thinking if she'd reject me, I'll make a jump so she won't see the hurt in my eyes.

She distanced herself from me though, and I'm not gonna lie, I wish she didn't, but I understood that she didn't feel comfortable around me right now and maybe forever.

Part of me regretted what I said. If I hadn't opened my mouth, we would've been having a good time, and I would've told her the reason I called for her, which was my father's business, but she had to know someday.

Maybe today was supposed to be the day.

Maybe fate didn't want us to be paired.

Which is fine I guess...

I'm still young.

I'm fine with another heartache if it comes to that.

"Explain." She murmured, looking off into the dark lit up view.

I sighed deeply, where did I start?

"Well as you know, my mom left. I don't know why, I don't know how, but she just disappeared. And I'm not trying to use her as an excuse, I'm just telling you so you'll know the reason why I left my house in the first place, and how upsetting it was to me. She was everything, she was always there for me, always making me laugh, uplifting me when I needed it. Then suddenly after soccer practice she wasn't there anymore. My dad said that she just left..." I licked the inside of my mouth while trying to not let my voice crack.

She looked at me concerned with her hazel eyes, but her body was stiff and far.

I wish she'd hold my hand.

"All her stuff was gone. Not a single note. It was pretty stupid of me but my anger got the best of me, I decided a life without my mom was no life at all so I packed my stuff and ran away. Of course my dad would try to find me but I kept myself hidden pretty well. But there's only so much time for you to survive on your own, so when I heard there was a job opening I took it desperately."

As the story grew near to my mistakes, I started getting nervous and playing with my hands to calm myself down.

"But it turned out they only accepted girls, so he declined me, but I knew in my heart that if I went back to the streets I'd eventually had to go back home. A home with reminders,and it pained me to even think about it so I told him I'd do anything."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

I hated that I couldn't go back in time to correct my mistakes.

And the mistakes for taking my mom for granted when I still had her.

Gosh, I fucking hated that I chose the wrong path instead of dealing with the emotions that she left.

I hate myself everyday.

**Flashback**

"W-what do you mean?" I ask, my head feeling kinda heavy, and my legs becoming stiff while my mouth was getting dry.

Mr.Simney leaned closer from his leathered chair and folded his arms out front against the table , his fingertips touching slightly.

"Well, as I was saying, this house runs on girls.And seeing as you are charming and appealing to the eye, how would you like to get me some money."

"W-what do you mean?"

"The only way you'll get to live here for no cost at all but money and a roof to live under is to bring me some profits."

I suddenly felt very weak and wished my mom never left so I wouldn't even be in this situation but as the thought crossed my mind my blood boiled.

It was her fault.

Why did she leave me?

Us?

Her family?

Did she ever love us?

Was it all a lie?

"I'll do it." I say, the words rolling off my tongue before I could even process what I just said.

He smiled mischievously, "Excellent. You can start today after the girls start dancing."

After he said that, my stomach was in knots. My mom has always lectured me that stealing was evil.

**End of Flashback**

"I was still fourteen when all that happened. I mean not that you care but my birthday is in April."

I spared her the details of getting into fights and the drugs I did to make me seem older.

"The Barbie house was disgusting. Before, I was still a preteen child that was mr.perfect and mama's boy, but after all that and what went down in there, I became this angry person. My mixed emotions about how I felt with my mom triggered nightmares sometimes. Sometimes, I'd-"

My voice cracked, and tears were begging to get out but I held them back. I didn't want to be seen like this again.

"I'd dream about her waking me up in the morning, and when my dream self opened their eyes slowly and saw her beautiful soft face, I knew that everything else was just a nightmare and that..." I bit my lip and let out a shaky breath of air, "She didn't actually left."

I wiped away the few tears that came out. "But then I'd wake up foreal and found out that it was fake, and what I went through, what I was going through, was real."

I looked over at Koleen who was already starring, I couldn't tell what she was thinking and it bugged me that I couldn't read her mind.

I needed to know what she thought of this, of me.

" Koleen." I hold our gaze, and hoped for the best. " I never wanted to do that .Dealing with a broken heart, I didn't want to crush myself even more knowing it wasn't right. I regret what happened, I know I made a mistake, and everyday I'm still trying to get past that place along with what happened after my father found me." I grabbed her hands and held them as I spoke my final words. "Like I said before, my past isn't the greatest, but I hope you can still find it in your heart to look past it, and continue what we have without thinking about me differently."

I was stepping on dangerous territory but I was desperate for her to stay, so I brought her hand to my mouth and kissed it gently.

" I don't want to loose you today."

Or tomorrow. Or this week, or the next...

She opened her mouth then closed it, she looked so conflicted. She only stared at me, then to our still linked hands, then to my eyes.

" I-I said I need time to process all this." She says in a shaky voice as she took her hands away from mine and walked away.

"Koleen wait!" I yelled as I stood up to catch up to her but she was already running away.

Literally. Her skirt rose up a little as her short legs took short strides.

I side smiled at her figure, then looked back to the ground defeated.

Maybe there's still a chance.

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