It's been just over two weeks since the wedding. I met up with Jeff the day after I had seen Lexy in his apartment. We cleared up all the shit between us and he came out with a sincere apology. I honestly kinda feel really sorry for the guy though... he seems heartbroken... I dunno...

Also, Danny has been practically living at my house, since he doesn't want to stay at home with his 'dickhead brother' anymore (his words, not mine). As far as I understand, Jen's giving Jeff a hard time at home as well... good. I wonder just how much she knows...

With school, training and Danny providing plenty of distraction, I've been able to clear my head a bit and forget about the wedding. I've also taken the time to think about Lex and us... not that there actually is an us... yet... I mean... not really, right? But I know that's mainly my fault... Danny has been trying to nudge me into the 'right' direction and keeps telling me that I need to get a grip and just go and 'claim my man'. As if I'd know what to do with him once I had him... fuck.

Lex and I have been texting every day. Nothing majorly personal or exciting, just lots of 'how are you' and 'how was your day' kind of things but it's OK... it's nice... it's safe. I'm not sure why I'm keeping him at a distance but I'm glad that he's respecting... whatever this is.

My brain needs the space. It keeps telling me I'm not quite ready for him. For a relationship. For whatever the relationship would naturally bring with it.

My heart... now, that's another story entirely. My heart is painfully screaming out for him. Yeah, I don't care how fucking sappy it sounds. It's telling me to get a freaking grip and just let myself be with the man I love. Yeah, I've got that far... big breakthrough here but there is no denying it so why bother?

"Freddie will be here in 10 minutes to pick us up. You ready?"

"Yeah, let me just grab an extra bottle of water".

Evening training sessions. They are exhausting. Especially when I have running during my lunch break, swimming for almost two hours right after school and then cycling from 7-9pm. But it's cool since Danny's been living here, I've been getting a ride with Freddie every day, so that's something. Much easier and faster than bus or running. Mum and dad can never pick me up either as they are usually working evenings, so this works out pretty well.

"Heeee's heeeeere", Danny squeals as he runs down the stairs with his sports bag, through the door and straight to the car. Wow, someone's excited for training. I lock the front door and get in the back of the car, dumping my bag at my feet. Danny is telling Freddie about something funny Eric texted him earlier... Eric? Eric from cycling maybe? I don't follow the conversation and drift in and out of my thoughts until I realise Freddie is calling my name.

"Jimmyboy, you planning on doing your training in here, buddy?"

He chuckles and Danny giggles before getting out of the car and nodding at Freddie with a mischievous smile on his lips. He shuts the car door and heads towards the tracks.

"You look like you need to talk...", Freddie starts before he turns his head to look at me. "I know we're not super close but... if you need to talk, I'm told I'm a pretty good listener." Ah yes, Freddie, soon-to-be psychology student, how could I forget.

"Yeah um... not sure, man. I mean, unless you have any experience with older men who are way out of your league and just make you behave like a bratty kid or complete crybaby half the time because you feel mega out of place and insecure

... I don't think you ca-"

"Oh you'd be surprised, buddy", Freddie cuts me off with a huge smirk on his face. "Spill, Jimmyboy. Only stuff you're comfortable with telling me, of course".

Huh. Ok, Dr Freddie Habichua. Why the hell not.

So I spill... I tell him everything. The first meeting at Jeff's engagement party over a year ago. My endless stalking, online and offline. The catastrophic ice cream date. My birthday treats at the bachelor party - all of them. The phone call that night before the wedding. The wedding. And, finally, the last time I saw Lexy at his apartment when I went to apologise.

"... and that's pretty much it. The big Jimmy and Lexy show".

Freddie just smiles at me.

"OK. Listen, Jimmy, I'm not going to analyse what you did and why you did it because it all seems pretty obvious. But I do have a couple of questions for you that I want to you answer for yourself."

I nod.

"One. What is concretely stopping you from claiming your man? Fear of a relationship? Fear of a gay relationship? Fear of sex? Fear of underperforming and disappointing?" Huh, how about all of the above? "Well shit, honey, welcome to the real world that about 90% of all teenagers live in! But seriously, think about what's holding you back and why". My biggest fear is disappointing him because, let's be honest, I am clueless and inexperienced... there is no way I can meet his expectations... but then again, he doesn't really seem to have any. He said he wants to be with me in whichever way I choose. He doesn't want or expect anything I'm not willing or ready to give. I set the pace. What am I afraid of exactly..? Damn, Freddie, you're good.

"Two. Do your fears and anxieties outweigh your feelings for him? Are your fears and anxieties reason enough to give up on Lex? To stop seeing him? Or does the thought of not being able to be with him create even bigger fears? Bigger anxieties? Is life without Lex an option? Or is that the worst possible scenario?" Honestly, until a couple of days ago, I wouldn't have known what to answer. Well, no, that's not entirely true. I would have had an answer... but it wouldn't have been as straightforward. Now? Easy: I love the man and I'll be damned if I give him up without even trying. Without listening to my heart. After the wedding, my biggest fear was losing Lex, losing what we had or whatever chance we might have had. It tore me up inside. But no, my fears do not outweigh my feelings. They will not hold me back anymore.

"Three. Are we, or are we not, talking about the ridiculously beautiful longhaired lion who whisked you away from the bar at the beach party, here? Because if that's who this is about, then holy cow, I say go forth and make lots of beautiful babies! And I sure hope you will eventually come to the same conclusion", he says with a wink.

"Now, let's go. We're super late and coach is going to be mad".

"Thanks, Dr Freddie. I needed that". I give him an honest smile, and with that, we get out of the car, throw our bags over our shoulders and run to the tracks.