XXX

The car ride was long and silent. The occasional sound of liquid through our straws, but that was it.

AM radio played quietly in the background. I think it was supposed to be a comedy channel, but it was mostly dry dad jokes. Sadly not corresponding with my moist dark humor. Ha... Moist.

"You okay Jay?" I continued to look out the window.

"Not really. But I don't want to talk about it."

Freddy sighed, continuing to our house.

"We're here." He parked the truck by the curb. I silently got out. Feeling drained. Not wanting anymore drama.

"Hey babies!" Nana walked towards us, holding her mail. "Oh my, where have you been?!"

Nana pulled me into a hug. I smiled lightly, hugging her back. "Sorry Nana... there's just been a lot going on. A lot of night shifts, yaknow?" I chuckled half-heartedly. Still digging my face into her neck.

"No need to lie child. I can tell you're heart broken. FREDDY! Go inside, let me talk to him alone." She kissed his cheek, shoving him to the door.

"I'm goin', I'm goin'." Freddy left us alone outside.

"Now. Tell me what's wrong child." Nana put her hand on my shoulder, looking up into my eyes.

"He rejected me Nana. I'll get over it... I just... I don't want to be seen as a kid..." I looked down at my feet.

"Oh sweetheart. Look at me." She grabbed my face, making me look down into her pale blue eyes.

"You have so much heart, so much kindness and love to give. Your mind was forced to grow up too quickly. Don't think for a second that I don't know what happens in that house. You are such a sweet person Jaylynn. Don't let a man tell you otherwise. Don't let him determine your worth." A single tear slipped down my face. I smiled at her.

"Thank you Nana...." I hugged her. Sniffling into her neck. "Thank you..."

She didn't say anything. She just held me. I really appreciated that she didn't say anything. She just let me bask in her comforting motherly touch.

She gave me a safe place. Her arms. Her presence. She was the only one that truly understood me, and I'll forever be grateful for her.

"Now sweet child. Go take a shower. You smell like alcohol." She laughed at me, pinching my cheek.

"Alright alright, I will. Thank you Nana." I kissed her cheek and walked inside.

XXX

It hurt walking away from him. He didn't look as bright and cheery as he normally was when I spoke to him. Maybe I was too harsh on the kid...

I didn't know what to do in a situation like that. Normally I was the one doing the asking out, since I was normally the dominant in any relationship. It was fairly rare when I got asked out. But this was the fist time that I was asked out by such a small kid.

I didn't know how to respond....

I took a drink from my whiskey as I sat on my couch. I already left from work, and whiskey was the choice of the night.

My thoughts were racing and I didn't like that. I didn't like feeling confused... useless even. I wanted so badly to move on.... but I couldn't. It was like I was stuck. Not being able to move along the timeline where everyone else was moving on to. I was stuck in the past. Dwelling. And I had a feeling I was going to stay there for a long time.

The alcohol hit harder than expected. I didn't feel like I was the only one holding the wheel to control my conscience. The alcohol was stirring with me.

I grabbed my phone and dialed. I'll regret this in the morning...

"Hello?"

"...." I didn't say anything.

"Uh... hello?"

"...." I hung up.

I sat my phone on my lap. Leaning my head back on the couch, just staring at the ceiling.

I sighed, closing my eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes. Some finding their way down my face. His voice.... he sounds okay.... like he's, happy....

I laid down on the couch, huddling in a ball. Letting the tears fall to the couch.

His voice rang though my head. It was him....

I pick up my phone and hit my emergency contact list, hitting the first one that popped up.

*ring... ring... ri-*

"Trevor! What's up!"

"Abby..." she grew silent, hearing the strain in my voice.

"I'll be there in five." She hung up.

I set my phone down and silently cried, curling in a ball. Sitting like this for a few minutes.

There was a knock on the door.

"The fortress of depression is open!" I cried rolling over to face the back of the couch. The door opened and closed lightly.

"Trevor...." Abby sat by my head, sitting crisscross, facing toward me.

"I called him Abby...." I heard her sigh with disappointment.

"Oh sweetheart..." she uncrossed her legs, laying her head against me. "Why?"

"I.... I couldn't fucking take it Abby... I need to move on, but I can't, and it's killing me!" She slowly rubbed my back as I cried.

"T, I love you, you know that. But you can't keep doing this to yourself!" I cried silently into the back of the couch, holding my knees to my chest.

"Look, I'm going to give you some tough love, because you need it. Not because you want it. You fucked up hun. You had a shot with a great guy, and you pissed on it because what? He's a few years younger? You can't move on? What?! I don't get it T. You say you want to move on, but you're not doing anything to get there!" She was right. I hated that she was right. But she was.

"I... I don't know... I just... I don't want to hurt him Abby! I only see such a pure and happy face, but I can't be the one to fuck that up!"

"You did." She said flatly.

"W-what..?"

"You made him cry T. Not because you rejected him, but the way you did. You fuckin' hurt the poor guy. He left my house completely upset T."

Goddamnit I fucked up again... I can't do anything right.

"Why can't I do anything right...."

"Because you think you know what others need or want. You don't ask them what they want or need. You just think you know.... look hun, do what you want. But you need to talk to him. Whether you ask him out or not, that is up to you. But you need to clear the air. And you need to treat him like an ADULT! Not a kid. He can make his own decisions." I looked at the back of my couch, thinking about what she said.

"Thank you..." I whispered.

"Your welcome asshat. Now. Talk. To. Him." She patted my shoulder, getting up off the couch.

"I'm going to head back to the bar. Now. When do you want to talk to him?"

"Thursday. I'm off then." That gives me 3 days to think this through... I turned around on the couch to face her.

She nodded her head. "I'll talk to him." She was out the door.

I felt guilty. I only wanted to protect him from my destructive nature. I hurt everything I touch. They all leave anyway. Somewhere in my heart I knew that he would end up leaving too. And I don't think I could handle the pain a third time....

He seems so sweet, loving, and kind.... not to mention he's cute as hell... but there's a 7 year difference between us... I'm fuckin' old, and he still has his years ahead of him. I'm almost 30, like... my bones creek when I stand. I'm old. Why would he want me anyway.... I'm a mess, to add to the fact that I'm old.

(A/N we get it, you're old. Get up and move on old fart.)

I wouldn't be enough for him.

I thought over what Abby said 'Don't guess what he wants, ask him, and trust that that's what he needs or wants' maybe not her exact words, but that's the concept of what she was telling me.

Maybe I do need to stop guess what people want... and trust that it's what they want.

I can't let my emotional baggage stop me from being happy. And I certainly can't let it take other's happiness.

This is my wake up call. And I need to stop mopping around and actually do something to turn my life around.

XXX