“The rose speaks of love silently, in a language known only to the heart.” – Anonymous

“You must take responsibility for this.” she mumbled as she stared at me with her eyes in light chestnut color I now despised.

Her words brought a sinister feeling down my spine and this was the first time I became so scared in my entire life. I didn’t know what to do and the anxiousness deep within was not helping me a single bit. Panic eroded my composure away that my stiff legs jolted on its own.

“Please tell me this is not happening.” my voice stuttered in horror.

I stood still near the canopy bed with half of the blanket around my waist. My knees trembled out of discomfort but I managed to remain firm on my feet as I tried to understand the solemn situation I was in.

This shouldn’t be happening. I thought to myself as I searched my memories of before then I remembered the time I had a talk with my parents and the time I came here in purpose to see Sir Marcus but what happened after that was nothing – I don’t remember anything.

Amidst the blurred memories, his face appeared and I never felt so disgusted of myself before.

Julian.

My chest increased in burden and it took a lot of might to suppress the scream that was begging to be release. Conflicting emotions penetrated inside my mind that I could no longer think straight but only the desperate feeling to escape this dilemma.

“What happened last night?” nonetheless I still asked her for answer for my doubts.

Amelia looked at me with a peaceful expression as if nothing of these was bothering her, it was like she had expected for everything to happen and such look brought more disturbing feeling in me.

“Last night is the most beautiful thing that happened between us. It’s so passionate and I can feel a new strong connection to you now. It felt perfect for our first time.” she said and I became even more dismayed of myself.

“It can’t be. I remember none of it.” I replied with a crack in my tone.

“It couldn’t be. I wouldn’t think of touching you in that way because I don’t feel what you wanted me to feel and besides I am no longer marrying you so there must be a mistake. I don’t believe you.” I added and I noticed her calm poise fading.

“Is that so? I guess it’s no use convincing you yes?” she claimed with a change of attitude.

“What do you mean?” I asked her in disbelief. Does that mean all she said to me earlier were lies? Slim thread of hope surfaced in my heart.

She sat up from the bed with the other half of the blanket clothed around her body as she brought her knees to her chest. “I sedated you.” she answered in nonchalance like she was not regretting anything in the least.

“It’s just a little mischief of mine. I made you come here by the idea that my father called you and to be honest it’s a plain trick. Then I ordered my butler to serve you of your favorite wine and I also ordered him to put a medicine in it that will induce you to sleep.” she explained in a blunt.

Then I remember that it made all sense why the wine was so bitter when I drank it. Listening to her words and all made the slim thread of hope disappear from me.

“But unfortunately what I said a while ago are not lies. Of course I made love to you last night and I wanted it. I needed to do it because if I don’t then you’ll be gone and I don’t like it.” she said in sincere although it only made me upset.

“You fooled me. Did you seriously think that I will love you after this? No. You forced me!” I snapped at her with anger mounting inside me.

“Forced you? That’s absurd! It’s you who forced me. None of this will happen if only you love me and no one else but no you decided to cancel our marriage since you fell out of love with me and it’s all because you have another woman. I won’t accept it!” she pointed a finger at me.

“If I can’t have you then I’ll make sure that no one can.” her tone in high pitch.

“I don’t love you and I never loved you! Why can’t you understand as simple as that?” I retorted back at her however she seemed less persuaded much to my disappointment. “I’m leaving.” I said in defeat as I searched for my clothes and there I found them on the floor.

“Forgive me if I did something cruel but I want you to know that I did it because I love you and I certainly don’t want you to marry someone else instead of me.” Amelia put back her innocent facade as I dressed myself in front of her.

I didn’t care. I thought to myself as I finished attaching the last button of my shirt and grabbed my coat before heading towards the door in an inappropriate manner.

“Wait!” she called to me but I didn’t send her a single glance because if I did – I might not hesitate from hitting a woman for good.

“You will take responsibility for this. What would you do I got pregnant because of this? I don’t think you’re a cruel man as to let your future child be raised in a home with an incomplete family am I right?” she reasoned out.

I said nothing not because I agreed but rather I lost the choice to disagree.

“I don’t love you and you are not my first.” I replied just as I walked out of the room and I heard her gasped just before I closed the door behind me.

―

I ignored all the maids’ assistance as soon as I returned back and definitely not minding the indecent attitude I was displaying since I could care less about it right as of this moment. I strode towards the only room I can put myself to ease and that was my painting room – my sanctuary.

I slammed the door closed and locked it right after I entered the room.

My mind was going in endless circle as I paced back and forth inside the room. The paintings couldn’t soothe my resentment and it enraged me further than necessary. I face palmed myself as I tried to put my disputing emotions in control.

This can’t be happening. I tried to comprehend the predicament in front of me but I couldn’t no matter what I do. I was so confused more than before.

I ran my fingers on my hair to lull my agitation because I felt like I’ll lose myself sooner or later. But that went in vain from the moment I laid my sight on the beautiful painting of him that would supposed to remind me of the precious times I spent with him.

But seeing his gorgeous face did the opposite.

Because instead of bringing me happiness and joy like always, it gave me too much guilt. Too much that I wanted to let loose and free myself from its burdening pain thus I lifted the first thing I touched before throwing it in the air without a bit of reluctance.

“I don’t love you woman! Why can’t you understand that!?” I screamed on the top of my lungs as I stared on the canvas I threw and it didn’t bother me watching it crashed on the wall with its wooden frame breaking in half.

“And you forced me!” I hissed under my breath before grabbing a tripod easel and likewise I didn’t think twice of throwing it will all my strength and fury. Immense guilt continued to kill me inside which only drove me to the limit.

Who is to blame for your guilt? Lucas’ words descended in me like a huge blow and it made me go livid much more.

“I am not a coward!” I shouted as I thrashed around on the equipment nearby with all the oil paints spilling on the marble floor. “Dante dear please open the door.” I heard my mother spoke on the other side of the door but it didn’t calm me much to my annoyance.

You’ll be in denial because you are a coward. Those filthy words sank on me again and it infuriated me.

“I am not denying anything!” I punched an unused canvas so strong that my fist went through to the back. Heat radiated in my body as it drenched my skin in its own sweat. I trembled so much in rage despite the exhaustion that was starting to get into me.

“Dante!” my mother called to me in hysteria when she saw me in such state upon forcing her way in. She must have demanded for a duplicate key from Emily.

Helena rushed to me before embracing my trembling body in a hug without a second thought.

Yes. I’ll be your lover.

Julian’s pretty words resonated inside my head and somehow it calmed me. But instead of entrancing me with delight like the time I first heard it, it entrapped me with so much anguish that I failed to notice that I was already shedding tears.

“I’m so sorry.” I murmured as I hid my tearful eyes with my palm.

“I’m really sorry.” I mumbled between my sobs. The pain and guilt was so unbearable and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was killing me so much that I just wanted nothing but to be free from this misery.

“I give up.” I whispered in absolute hopelessness.

Tears continued to cloud my blue eyes but even in the distorted sight, I could still see the disaster I created in my painting room but among the damaged equipment stood the still intact and beautiful painting of my gorgeous lover.

―

The same sound of the solid pendulum from the grandfather clock echoed throughout the room while I sat on the same comfortable canapé with my darling mother occupying the similar one across me but rather than feeling tense like yesterday – I felt depressed.

This guilt was eating me alive from inside and out.

“Are you sure? At first you wanted to stay behind for a promise then the next thing I heard is that you wanted to come along all of a sudden. Is something wrong?” Helena asked.

I stared at my paint stained hands while measuring the words I’ll speak to her.

“It is something terrible and that’s the reason why I decided to leave because it will hurt that person if I don’t.” It’s better to hurt him one last time than hurt him much more with the bitter truth. I replied in distress without mentioning the last sentence.

I would rather betray him with a broken promise than betray him with something more painful.

“So in other words you meant to end your relationship with her by leaving? What is this terrible thing you did that you don’t want her to know?” she questioned me with her sad eyes reflecting mine.

“It’s not about what I did mother. It’s about what I will do. I don’t want to hurt that person when I made up my mind and concluded to take responsibility for my mistake.” I muttered.

“And you’re right. I meant to end our relationship.” I added with despair in my tone.

The mere thought of ending my relationship with him was enough to rip the muscle wall of my heart but in spite of the tormenting pain, I still held firm on my decision. I was doing this for him and only him even though it seemed foolish.

“What is this mistake, son?” she inquired however I said none in return.

It was not because I fear she’ll not understand but it was because she doesn’t need to know. It was not like she can do anything about it because in one way or another – I still slept with Amelia and besides this responsibility was not for my mother to take. It was entirely mine.

She sighed in defeat after hearing nothing from me.

“Truth to be told, I don’t understand you and your reasons but one thing I know is that you are doing this not for yourself but for your lover however are you sure this is for the best? Not all good choices bring good consequences.” she advised me with her wisdom.

“I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to be in regret in the end.” she added.

“No mother. I don’t think I’ll be since I am already in deep regret.” I murmured in complete remorse.

The wise advice may seemed persuading and it almost gave me a change of heart but thinking how it will pained Julian if I remained here was enough reason for me to lose faith in myself and that was why I am no longer doing this for my own sake and selfishness.

“Can’t you at least see her one last time?” Helena asked such a sensitive question to me that only made my heart more vulnerable than it was.

I looked at my mother like a forsaken man who had lost everything in the world. “I can’t. I don’t have a single bit of courage to see that person.” I responded with a sad smile drawing in my lips.

I was too guilty and shameful to see him.

―

Sorrow and sadness engulfed my soul as I stared at the train ticket in my hand which was destined to another city today. Somehow there was still a part of me that desired to stay behind and I bet it was just the burden of my promise because after all I this was the last promise I have.

The last promise I can no longer keep.

It had been a miserable week for me and the past couple of days were pure torture because the aching guilt still had not subsided but more than that – what killed me the most was the agony of ending my precious relationship with Julian.

I didn’t want to end it but I need to.

I inhaled a dull breath as I placed the ticket inside my pocket before looking at my painting room for the last time.

There was nothing to bring with me because I lost the interest to paint something around this time hence I decided not to include my painting equipment in my package of personal belongings.

While roaming my eyes around the room, his beautiful painting caught my attention and it sent immense grief in my heart that it began to throb inside my chest and I almost wince in pain.

Nevertheless it didn’t ceased me from pacing closer to it with a growing desire to see him, hug him and kiss him again. I reached to his picture with a longing hand and depression came flooding my senses the second my fingertips touched the smooth surface of his image.

“I’m so sorry.” I said in a sad whisper.

I know I should just be honest to Julian and tell him everything. He was understanding and I know that he’ll forgive me again, and that was exactly why I don’t want to tell him because I don’t deserve forgiveness from him especially when I won’t be choosing him now.

To be precise, I can’t choose him.

It was not because of my responsibility and obligation as a man who slept with a woman but because our relationship will go back to being a secret affair and I didn’t want that. It’ll be even worse if Amelia became pregnant since she’ll have more relation to me as a father of her child.

Julian will suffer the agony of being the second lover for the rest of his life and he doesn’t deserve it.

I swore to myself that I will never repeat such mistake again and I will even if it means ending our precious relationship. I was doing this to spare him from the heartache.

I closed my eyes as I began to imagine him physically in front of me instead of his illustrated image. I imagined him smiling at me while I caressed his beautiful face with my hands. I imagined him pulling me in a gentle embrace and enveloping me with his warm arms.

I love you. I imagined him telling me those sweet little words of him.

“Goodbye.” I murmured before blinking my eyes open and his drawn illustration was what greeted me that I nearly wanted to run out of the room and go to him personally. I guess I was missing him.

I immediately concealed his painting with a clean cloth despite the need to stare at it for more however the time was nearing and I must leave while I still have the courage to. I turned on my heels and proceeded to pick up my leather suitcase before walking to the door.

“The carriage is prepared, Sir.” Emily informed me the moment she saw me striding down the stairs.

Through the opened door, I could see my horse carriage in wait with all my luggage trunks secured on top of the stagecoach. It was already raining profoundly outside and the chilling breeze was not making me comfortable in the least.

“Sir Arthur and Madam Helena left a couple of minutes ago and they told me to tell you that they will be waiting at the train station.” my maid added and I merely nodded before stepping out to the porch.

Emily assisted me with an umbrella and I thanked her with a faint smile despite the gloomy emotion I had but before I could even open the door of the coach quarters, a voice called to me – a familiar voice that would always rang pleasantly in my ears.

“Dante!” I turned to look at the owner of the voice and it stunned me to see Julian in front of my eyes. He was soaked wet from the rain while catching his breath and I knew by then that he must have ran all the way here. He ran in the middle of the rain just to see me.

But why was he here?

―

Half an hour earlier....

“Could you lend me a hand here? I had Andrew gone in an errand.” Sam called to my attention from the door and I knew that he needed someone to serve wine on his regular customers. Indeed I preferred to call him Sam than Samuel because the latter sounded fit for his age.

Besides he likes it because it made him feel young.

“Alright. Just give me a minute, old man.” I teased him as I put on a long sleeved shirt and he snorted before leaving. I had a change of clothes because of the cold weather.

Then after closing the wardrobe, I noticed the red rose in the glass vase Dante gave to me the last time he was here and that was a week ago. It came to my realization that it was already weak and wilting.

The water must have gone cold. I thought and immediately made a note to myself to replace it with warm water soon. Somehow looking at its poor condition gave me an unpleasant feeling of loneliness as if someone will leave me. It must be my imagination.

“Here’s the Burton Ale.” my foster father handed me a wooden tray with beer-filled glasses.

I carried the tray with me to one of the tables occupied by adult men who were having a good leisure time. Their faces lit up as soon as they saw the drinks they ordered.

“You want a job? I thought you got one from a distinguished noble family?” I heard one of them asked as I started serving them their beverages. Needless to say, it was not my interest to listen to other people’s conversation but I couldn’t avoid it since I am near them.

“I did. But unluckily they will be gone for a trip or so they told me.” the other replied.

“That is sad to hear though because it’s a rare opportunity for you and since it is also one of the rich nobles out there, the Scarfone family right?” the first man requited and hearing that surname caught me off guard.

“Pardon me, but did you say that they are leaving?” I asked the other with restlessness spreading inside me.

“That’s right. Their whole family is leaving today and I also heard that Sir Ashworth and his daughter will be with them. Oh, can I have a cigar beetle?” upon ending his sentence, I accidentally dropped the tray I am holding because of shock.

The crashing sound of glass breaking didn’t snap me. It couldn’t be. He promised me that he will stay. He promised me.

I heard my adopted father calling to me but I didn’t answer. Dreadful feeling bore holes in my heart and before I came to see it, I was already running outside full of desperation and the cold rain only ignited fear in me.

Please don’t leave me. I held back a cry.