“Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.” – Melissa Marr

The rain still poured down profoundly outside and the humid atmosphere was enveloping my body in a cold embrace. However it was nothing compared to how my blood felt cold as I stared at the man I wanted to see least in this day, the man named Julian.

“Dante...” he called to me in between his raspy breath.

But why was he here? Even though I wanted to know why, I immediately dismissed the thought and tried to think for a good excuse but I couldn’t think of one.

“Where are you going? Why do you have luggage with you?” he asked me and the miserable look he was giving me only made my guilt more burdensome than it was.

He stood trembling from the cold in front of me and just looking at his state made it all the more difficult for me to leave. Steam continued to escape his angelic lips and somehow it brought me the urge to kiss him passionately to warm him but I held back.

I looked away unable to see him straight and deep in the eyes. I gritted my teeth together, incapable of answering his question truthfully. I simply stood helpless on my two feet.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” he asked me again and this time he tried to reach to me with his shaking hand but I slapped his hand away in impulsiveness.

It gave me more guilt but I endured it. I didn’t want him to touch me, knowing that his gentle touch would give me a change of heart and make all my problems dwindle away. I didn’t want him to touch me because it will make me feel weak more than anything.

I didn’t want him to touch me because I was a disgusting unfaithful man.

He stared at me shocked of my harsh action towards him and it made him more dismal. Tears were starting to cloud his silver eyes despite his obvious attempt to hold it back.

“Please don’t leave me.” he pleaded in desperation and hearing those words felt like a punch in my chest and I almost wanted to cry if it wasn’t for my pointless courage.

Please go away. Don’t make this harder for me. I thought to myself.

But it didn’t reach him. “You promised me. You promised me you will stay...” he said with his faint tone fading out of grief however those words shattered the last control I had left in my conflicting emotions.

“Promise? I should be the one saying that to you because in fact you’re the first one who promised me that you wouldn’t bother me anymore after that night but did you? No because you had the nerve to appear on that dinner.” I replied, enraged.

“It was you who first broke your promise when you agreed to teach me on the piano because you could have refused regardless of the reason but you did not. To make matter worse, you agreed to be my affair when you could have denied if you are wise enough.” I included.

“It was all your fault and you just had to push all the blame and guilt to me. Who’s the cruel one huh?” I exclaimed with all anger in me but it subsided the moment I saw the defeated expression he had in his face.

The demise look on him like his heart died and it crushed me in the inside.

I cursed myself under my breath and proceeded to climb the stagecoach with Emily still assisting me by my side with an umbrella. It didn’t bother me that she got to see such spectacle because I trust her that she will not tell a soul about it. Before I could enter the quarters, familiar arms clung into me in embrace.

“I’m so sorry! I’ll do anything you’ll say so please don’t leave me.” I could feel the tremor in his chest against my back and it took a lot of self-control to not look back, also to not hug him in return.

“Then let go of me.” I asked while trying to sound as composed as I can be.

However he merely did the opposite. He held onto me tighter. Deep in my heart I wanted to surrender on my desire and beg him not to let me go but my reasons denied my feelings. It was so hard to be torn between what I want and what I need.

It was so hard to say goodbye to the person I cared the most.

“No. I’ll never let you go. I knew that one day you won’t choose me and I am prepared for it. I prepared myself to let go.” Julian whimpered with a hoarse voice.

“But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to let go of you. I don’t care if you’ll hate me because just this once I want to be selfish. I want to be selfish and keep you to myself. I love you so much I don’t want to let go. I love you.” he added as his fingers dug into my clothes.

“I don’t need you and I regret meeting you in the first place.” I forced a heartless lie.

It seemed that he was distraught to hear that since his arms limped around me and I took the opportunity to push him away from me before getting inside the quarters and securing the door with a lock. He regained his balance and tried his best to open the door.

I need you and I don’t regret meeting you. I said to myself as I looked at him through the glass window. I dug my fingers on my palm in endeavor to restrain myself from opening the door.

“Goodbye.” I mouthed with just my lips and unable to speak the words.

He stared at me devastated with his tears starting to fall down his sad eyes. “Please don’t leave.” was what he mouthed in a frail whisper just before the carriage took off. Soon his beautiful face disappeared from my sight and it was then that I began to break down in tears.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried in my hands and it grieved me even more when I heard him calling to me. He was chasing me and it cascaded more guilt in my heart.

―

Goodbye.

That single word my lover mouthed was all that needed to crumble my world to the ground and crushed my heart to pieces. I wanted to submit to the pain and cry my soul out but why? Why was I running and chasing the carriage? Why was I calling to his name?

Why was I still hoping for him to stop and come back to me? Why was I still holding on?

“Dante!” I screamed with all my breath as I persisted to run after the retreating carriage in front of me. The distance was still within my reach and I will keep running until my feet bleeds. I will keep chasing until I can’t stand anymore. I will keep calling to him until my throat hurt.

I will keep holding on until the end.

“Dante!” I called to him again despite the strained voice I had. The chilling rain drenched me from head to toe and the freezing gust of wind hit me now and then but it didn’t cease me from pursuing the stagecoach which made a detour to the main road.

My shoes were starting to become soaked from the rain puddle everywhere but I paid no care on it. People were looking at me but I could care less on them. Tears were blending on the droplets of rain on my face and I resisted on closing my eyes because I feared that I will no longer see the carriage if I did.

Will you be my affair?

I cried even more that I stumbled on the road and falling on a dirty puddle. I rather be your affair again if it means you staying by my side. I thought as I hurried on standing again on my feet before resuming on rushing to the carriage that was taking my lover away from me.

“Stop!” I shouted in hope that the carriage will stop but it didn’t much to my dismay. I can tell that he can hear me so why was he not doing anything instead of ordering the coach to stop?

Why was he not looking back at my direction?

The muscles in my legs ached and my lungs were losing its remaining breath but still I tried to close the distance even though it was already out of my reach. “Dante please...” I attempted to scream but my weak voice refused to.

Will you be my lover?

“Please don’t leave me.” I whispered in a sob with my feet reducing in speed. Tears burned my eyes that it hurts and it stung more when I could no longer see the carriage I was frantic on pursuing.

Anguish meld into me and I cried much more when I couldn’t bear the painful agony lingering in my heart. It was killing me with despair – the despair of a broken heart.

The frigid rainfall was drowning my existence in a cold bitterness of sorrow. Fatigue buried numbness in my muscles that I started to lose balance and it didn’t even took a minute for me to remain standing on my legs before hitting my knees on the solid ground.

“Please come back.” I said in a silent cry while clutching on the front of my shirt in futile attempt to stop the throbbing pain inside my chest.

“Please tell me you love me too.” I mumbled with a quivering lips but I heard none except the loud and endless noise of raindrops around me. I did not sense the voice I wanted to hear and the words I wanted him to say because after all he was no longer here.

Horse carriages and barouches were avoiding me and people with umbrellas were glancing at me without a care before looking away like I was not there.

Then someone came behind me and I turned to look but only to see him holding an umbrella as he stood there with his chestnut eyes meeting mine. He reached his hand to me but I didn’t take it, not because I refuse to but because I can’t stand nor walk neither – I was feeling numb.

He seemed to understand without me telling him since he bent down and sat on his heels with his back facing me.

“I’ll carry you.” Lucas said in a subtle tone and I abode without hesitation hence I grabbed onto his broad shoulders before clinging to him. He passed me the umbrella so that he could hold on my legs which he did so with gentleness.

“Why are you here?” I asked with a rasping voice.

“I lived nearby and I was walking home when I happen to see you.” he replied as he began to stroll on the sidewalk. The nearby shop windows were mirroring the both of us and I could say that it was such an embarrassing sight but I paid no heed. I was too heartbroken to care.

“Why are you here?” he repeated that question to me although it only hardened the pounding sensation in my chest and I bet that he could feel it against his back.

“He left me.” were the words I could only tell but that small phrase told him everything and my mute cry was enough explanation because he didn’t inquire anymore. He simply let me be and I lamented on my sorrow again as he carried me on his way home in the middle of the rain.

Goodbye.

That single word my lover mouthed was all that needed to rob me of my happiness and break me all over again but then why was I forgiving him again? Why do I still love him?

―

Lucas became silent from then on and he still stayed like that as he cleansed me with a damped fabric cloth. He lent me a change of clothes thus making me comfortable for the time being.

He was staring at me while cleaning my neck but I, on the other hand, was staring blankly on his bedroom window without a word and the both of us remained like that here on his bed. I watched the decreasing rain outside with boredom and a saddening burden inside my chest.

The little rain drops on the window surface caught my jaded attention and observing how those small drops slid down the glass somehow made my tears descended from eyes.

The man I loved the most left me.

I felt abandoned. I felt so broken and lifeless inside. Life without him was simply dull and hopeless. Tears burned my eyes again and it stung even more painful than before. Without him, my love is lost.

Tender warmth pressed against face and my tears were wiped away by a moistened cloth I had snubbed and by a man I had ignored for a minute. He continued to stare at me with his emotionless eyes and stoic facial features but his hands were different – they felt kind.

“Tell me I’m stupid just like that time.” I blurted all of a sudden.

“Tell me I’m a fool for letting him take advantage of me. Tell me I’m an idiot for loving a man like him. Insult me, laugh at me and make of fun of me however you like.” I told him but he didn’t listen to me.

He didn’t do what I told him to do and he just stared at me again.

“No. I won’t.” he replied before starting to collect the things he used to clean me. “But I’ll be here so you won’t feel alone.” he added as he stood up from the bed. I said nothing in response because I couldn’t understand why he was not bold like the last time.

I dismissed the thought and proceeded to lie down on the bed. In the meantime, he sat on the floor beside the bed with his back against the wall. Was he perhaps doing this out of pity?

“I don’t need your compassion, Lucas.” I claimed before turning around so his face won’t be the first thing I will see when I wake up because after all he was not the one I wanted to be here. I no longer hear the rain before I fell deep in sleep.

―

It was cold.

My whole body was chilling and the blanket around me was not heating me a bit. I felt cold but my skin was sweating unusually. I groaned in discomfort now and then until I felt hands stirring me from my slumber.

“Julian, you have a fever.” a deep voice said to my half-awake self.

The pair of hand detached from me which followed by a series sound of footstep going down and up the wooden staircase before I felt something cool on my forehead, must be a doused towel. But still the freezing sensation didn’t leave me.

“I-I’m cold.” I stuttered in languish.

Soon the blanket was removed from me in an instant then I blinked my eyes open only to see Lucas undressing of his upper garments and he was shirtless not too long. He leaned down to me before stripping me of my shirt as well and I didn’t struggle as due to immense weariness.

“What are you doing?” I mumbled however he didn’t answer. He simply laid his body next to me before pulling me in an embrace with both our bared chest against each other and it let me feel his body heat, thus warming me up in the process.

“What if you get ill too?” I asked concerned but he shrugged it.

“Then let me fall ill. I don’t want you suffering by yourself.” he said as he enveloped his arms around my body and pulling me much closer to him.

“I want you to share all the burden and pain you have. I will absorb it and take everything away. I will do anything for you to not cry again.” he added and I could feel this beating heart on the palm of my hands since I was unable to return his embrace.

“I don’t need you feeling sorry for me.” I interrupted him but he shrugged it again.

“I don’t. I am not doing this to earn your love or anything. I am just a man helping the person he cares for. If I’ll make you fall in love with me, then I’ll do it when you are back to health.” he claimed with so much affection that I felt vulnerable.

“Sleep.” he murmured and I heeded.

“I don’t love you.” was what I said last, although I had a feeling that he was not bothered by the fact that I was in love with another. I don’t want to hurt him because I know how painful an unrequited love was.

Then it reminded me the time Dante hummed me our song. He held me the same way Lucas was holding me but it was not all the same because I did not hear the same lullaby and I was not holding onto the same man my body wanted to embrace.

“Please don’t leave me, Dante.” I sniffled just as I closed my eyes before waiting for sleep to conquer me again. My body was no longer feeling cold and my skin was not sweating anymore. The pair of arms around me was making me feel safe and secured in my sleep.

It was warm.

―

“How long will it be until we reach the third station?” I asked my mother who was sitting in front of me beside my father.

“Two hours in the least.” she replied and I resumed on looking through the glass window on my right.

The first class passenger car was similar to how it feels like inside an expensive stagecoach. The seat cushion was made of dark leather but comfortable enough to relax our body. The cove light on the ceiling was plain design and nothing more.

Everything seemed ordinary to me that it was almost dull and boring.

“Is something the matter, son?” my father inquired me before glancing on the seats across our left and I followed his look, and there my sight met with the woman who made me left the man I wanted to be with the most.

Amelia and her father were coming with us because it was them who owned the cabin mansion in the mountains where me and my parents will stay for the rest of the winter season, and that would only mean that I will be with my ex-fiancée all the time.

“No. I am fine, father.” I answered before looking away and staring back at the window because the scenery outside was much more entertaining than the scene inside. The rain had died a couple of minutes ago but the burden in my chest was as thick as the remaining humid in the air.

I felt the guilt creating hollowness in my heart.

As much as I wanted to jump out of this train and run back to him, this guilt was holding me back – the guilt of being a useless person who broke the pure heart of a beautiful man and the guilt of being a cruel lover to that beautiful man.

Nevertheless I endured this guilt knowing that I was doing this for him.

So what if I chose to take responsibility to what happened between me and Amelia? That doesn’t mean I will care for her like how I care for him. That doesn’t mean I will touch her intimately again since after all I didn’t love her.

I was not and will never be in love with her.

“Did you bring all the things you needed?” Helena tried to lift up my mood by changing our topic but it was not helping me a single bit.

“I’m going to sleep for a while.” I refused to answer her question since I know she was aware of what my answer would be. She nodded her head in response and soon I rested my eyes close.

The guilt may still be here within me but it was nothing compared to the feeling like something in me was missing. It felt like I left a huge part of me behind. It was a part of my body and I can’t comprehend what it was. All I can say was that I left whatever it was behind.

I left it to Julian.