“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” – Haruki Murakami

“Isn’t it too cold for you to use those boots?” I hinted to my adopted father as he put on his favored black cowboy boots made of snakeskin.

“The weather is fine and besides you know I can’t go outside without walking with these.” Sam stubbornly grunted to me in which I replied with a sigh.

“Fine if you insist. But please bring these pair of warm boots to be sure.” I said while handing him another pair of boots that looked more comfortable than the ones he chose to wear.

He got up from the chair once he was done before tugging on his long covert coat. He stood there ready and prepared with his bag of necessities, a double barrel shotgun inside a holster in his back and his brimmed cowboy hat – today was his hunting day.

It was his tradition, or should I say his hobby, to go hunting when the winter season had started.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” he reminded me as he took the warm boots from me before walking to the door. I nodded in response and watched him left.

Today was Saturday and our tavern was closed during weekends.

So that would mean I would be alone with Lucas for a whole day until Sam return. Well not that I do mind but rather because I was not used to have someone with me in here other than my adopted father. I think it might be because I still didn’t trust him.

I glanced at the cuckoo clock on the wall and it noted to me that it was past five in the morning.

“I guess I should make breakfast.” I muttered to myself.

Then I went to the opposite side behind the bar where the cook stove was. The stove was placed far from the wine barrels and drinks since it could cause fire and accidents. If you may know, the barroom was both our kitchen and dining room too.

Indeed a strange house built for a commoner.

I placed enough wood inside before lighting it up with a match stick and the rest of the preparation goes on. I was busy minding the tea kettle that I failed to notice him going down the staircase already awake.

“Good morning.” Lucas greeted and I snapped my head to his direction surprised.

“Oh... uh good morning too.” I returned his greetings but with a trace of timid in it.

He was still in his night shirt and pants, also barefooted as he stared at me like for a minute but soon he withdrew his gaze and proceeded to look around the room.

“Where is your father?” he asked.

“He is out for a hunt. He will be gone for the whole day.” I replied after taking the steaming tea kettle from the stove before pouring hot coffee in two coffee mugs. I served him the coffee.

“He’s a hunter? What does he hunt?” he asked again while taking a small sip of his coffee.

“Yes he is. There are a lot of animals he hunt such as coyotes, deer, rabbits and bears. He sells them for additional income although sometimes he takes it home for food. Besides he enjoys hunting more than anyone because that’s the man he is.” I said.

I drank my coffee while cooking bacons and eggs that it took me a while to feel intense eyes on me, I looked over my shoulder and there I met his amused stare.

“Is something the matter?” I inquired confused.

He chuckled. “No it’s nothing. I just enjoyed listening to your voice. Its charming.” he claimed with a smile and it aroused heat into my face.

“I-It’s not charming.” I immediately turned my head away from him out of embarrassment.

“It is. Anyway do you have plans for the rest of the day?” he asked and I furrowed my eyebrows together on his question before putting the fire out and serving the meal on top of the bar counter.

“I do, why ask?” I took the second seat from his spot since I can’t bring myself to sit next to him.

Lucas noticed the distance between us but said nothing about it. “Can I go with you? It seems I have nothing to do in the meantime so I figured that I’ll come with you. Also I doubt that you’ll let me be alone here especially when you still don’t trust me yes?” he answered.

I looked at him astonished. I want to say to him that he was right that I didn’t trust him but not in that sense. I didn’t see him as someone who had an ill intention or whatever.

However the words didn’t build because I still couldn’t make myself open up to him.

“Of course you can. The two of us will leave in the afternoon and we’ll head to the orphanage near the town square. It’s been a while since I last visit the place.” I said before digging on my meal.

“Orphanage?” it looked like the word had absorbed most of his attention. He stared at me puzzled.

Indeed he still doesn’t know that I lived my childhood in an orphanage after the death of my parents when I was young. He still doesn’t know that I grew up there with my brother until Sam adopted us. There were so many things he doesn’t know about me.

Why do I feel like I want him to know all of it? His honest chestnut eyes made me want to tell everything about me?

Those eyes of him made me want to trust him.

“It is.” I didn’t tell him anything more because I was still wondering whether this will be a good opportunity to share things about me and see to it if I can trust him after that, just like how I trusted my lover before.

―

The outlook of a saltbox house came into our view as soon as we approached the place. Taking a ride in a carriage cost a money hence we walked all the way here. It was not that tiring for me since I was used to it but I didn’t know if it does to the man who was with me.

“It’s a nice place.” Lucas complimented with unruffled composure. I guess he was used to walking too.

The house in front of us had three stories built, walls painted in apple maroon color, wooden roof stained in black and a single chimney in the middle. The small front yard consisted only of a single oak tree and untrimmed bushes.

A wooden sign hanged on the side of the door and it said Orphan’s Home.

I paced towards the door before knocking a few. The noise of children laughing and playing echoed through the wooden surface and it made me enthusiastic to see them as early as possible.

Then a woman in her late forties, and in bloomer dress, answered the door and she instantly recognized me – after all me and my brother were once under her care before my foster father adopted us.

“Julian, how lovely to see you here.” she beamed after giving me a hug. “And who might you be?” she added the moment she saw him standing beside me.

“Lucas Radford.” he bowed his head a little in which the woman hailed his presence in return.

“Come in.” she gestured the two of us in and the moment I came inside, a group of familiar children immediately welcomed me with cheerful smiles.

“Hello, mister!” they all greeted me in unison, “Did you come here to play the piano again?” one of them asked me and I nodded which only made them more thrilled of my visit. They were all so happy that they failed to be aware of the person with me until Lucas himself cleared his throat to catch the children’s attention.

They went silent, wary of the stranger with me, but it didn’t impede their curiosity.

“Who is he, mister?” a petite boy asked me while not taking his eyes away from him.

“This is Lucas. He’s my... uh friend.” I stuttered there for a second because I am not really sure of what he was to me and what I was to him. I didn’t want to label him as a friend since I hardly define our relationship as friendship but then I didn’t want to label him something unfitting.

“A friend, I thought the handsome man is your friend?” another child inquired and I knew who he was referring to – my handsome lover Dante.

“He is a friend too but the handsome man is a special friend.” I replied and somehow I could feel Lucas studying me intensely.

“Where is the handsome man, mister?” a girl asked and I felt that it hit something in me for I was beginning to lose my calm poise. I still have not gotten over the reality that Dante left me even though I tried so hard to pretend I already had.

“He is not here. He left for a trip.” I said while feeling like breaking down again in tears although a sudden but gentle pat in my shoulder made me regained back my strength.

“Where is the piano?” Lucas questioned out of the blue and I looked at him dumbfounded.

“In the second floor.” the children responded in unison excitedly considering that they like listening to me playing the piano and it diverted them from the topic about the love of my life because they all ran upstairs in haste.

I looked back at the man next to me when realization dawn on me that he actually used the piano as an excuse to stop the children from asking me more about my lover.

He helped me even though I never asked him to.

―

Memories flooded into me the minute I entered the music room. The beautiful memories of me being in this room with the man I love, me teaching him to play the piano and the wonderful memories of us making love countless of times.

It was so beautiful and it was so painful.

The room was still the same like the last time I have been here. The upright piano where I had fallen in love with him over and over again, and also the couch that Dante placed here was where I died in his arms every time he held me close.

This room was the remaining existence of our relationship.

“Are you alright?” Lucas looked at me worried. I nodded my head despite the inner denial I have, nonetheless I dismissed it right away before walking closer the wooden piano in the center of the room.

The smooth touch of the wood against my fingers brought burden in my chest. It was so difficult to pretend I was doing well when my mind and body remembers everything.

I sat on the piano seat after lifting the fallboard. I slid my palm across the flat keyboard and the memories of guiding my lover’s hand with mine rushed into my head which only made my depression resurfaced in my soul.

I didn’t bother to look at the music sheet because I already know what I would play and just like that, my fingers moved itself on its own.

The children sitting on the floor and on the couch disappeared from my senses, and Lucas, who was standing with his back against the door, was no longer in my perception.

I was alone with the music. This music I named Broken Heart.

Deep tune of each different keys resonated in me like a perfect rhythm. The melody sang the hurt I have from the bottom of my heart and every time I pressed a note, it chanted the tears I had cried and wasted for so many nights after that rainy day.

This sad music carried the sadness I couldn’t take away.

I wonder if this music will reach the man I love. Would he come back if he heard this?

The low descant recited both the pleasant and the bitter words of his that had been burned inside the depths of my mind. The pretty promises, the sweet words that gave me hope, the grief of regret he felt for me and the cruel farewell he bid to me.

All of it played inside my head like a never-ending repetition.

It still pained me so harsh that I felt like giving up but never will I. However, on the other hand, I didn’t know if I should wait for him to come back. Would that be a good idea?

The harmony soothed serenity in me yet it also stirred the agony in me at the same time. I composed this music in the past without a reason, what a splendid coincidence, but now it was the only thing my body wants and the only music my heart desires – it both eased and upset me.

The song soon ended without me realizing it since I was so engrossed on the feeling of it.

―

“It’s so sad.” one of the children sniffled, trying his best not to cry in front of the others. I forced myself not to make a sad smile because I, myself, was trying not to cry too.

“Does anyone know how to play that song?” Lucas asked an inane question again all of the sudden as he walked to me. Honestly, sometimes I can’t understand him. The boy near him raised a hand and I knew that child caused I used to teach him piano in the past.

“Can you play it?” he requested politely in which the child agreed in return. I stood up from my seat, still confused, before letting the said boy take it.

“Would you like to dance, Julian?” I stared at him surprised as he offered a hand to me.

“Eh a dance? Why?” I asked in returned while trying to understand him and his actions. This was absolutely the least I had in my mind the morning I decided to pay the orphanage a visit.

He leaned in closer for a whisper. “I can see that this room brings some memories to you judging by the feeling I got when you played the piano. I don’t want you to remember them even if it’s just a minute so that’s why I want to dance with you. Let me make you forget the pain.” he murmured so sincerely.

Even though I wanted to tell him that I don’t want to forget anything and everything about Dante and I, somewhere in me I desired to be free from the endless pain.

Hence I took his hand.

He pressed his body closer to me with one of his hand on my lower back and the other captured mine for a hold. I stared at him with our faces an inch apart, unsure of what to do or what to say so I simply held onto his shoulder with my free hand for a futile distraction.

The same song played again and upon the first note, his foot began to move and I followed his lead.

He guided me on a waltz my body was starting to be indulged from. His soft grasp on my hand somehow felt foreign but so tender that a part of me refused to let go.

The hurt in my heart turned into a dull ache and my eyes became numb that I no longer had the urge to break down in depressing tears. The sad music I played a couple of minutes ago holds no more sadness in me.

The cadence of his heartbeat on his chest against my own and his warm breath on mine were overwhelming me that I had to turn my head away from him before I earned a chuckle from him.

“I love you.” Lucas mumbled the words that made me blush bright scarlet.

I looked back at him again and was about to tell him that I don’t love him but before I could even say it, he pushed his lips on my forehead and it definitely caught me off guard. The little kiss brought forth odd emotions in me that buried the agony I had to the deepest part of my heart.

These strange feelings made me forget the heartache.

He spun the both of us around the little space inside the room and I can’t do anything but stared straight into his honest eyes that could breach into my soul.

The chestnut shade of those orbs imprisoned mine in a gaze. His hand on my back and his arm on the side of my waist caused me to feel safe and secure – all about him made me want to trust him and share everything I had with him.

The two of us flawlessly swayed one last time a second before the music ended.

“You danced great, mister!” the children praised me with an innocent smile and I bit my cheeks in endeavor to hide the remaining blush I have in them.

“He kissed you in the head!” they added and it roused more heat in my face that I wanted nothing but crouch in a corner and put my burning face in between my knees. Seriously, I was beginning to sound like a child. I can’t believe that a simple kiss was affecting me like this.

But then again it was new to me to receive a kiss from someone whom I am aware of their affection and love for me. It was different compared on what I felt when I kissed my lover.

“Hey, mister gentleman, can you please be a special friend to our mister while the handsome man is not here?” a little girl asked him and it made me much more embarrassed that I just want to disappear from this place. How much humiliation was I going to experience?

“I don’t think I’m that special but sure I’ll be.” he returned a smile which made the children ecstatic.

Luckily, the woman a while ago called the children for their dinner meal and of course they all left the room without further ado in which I was grateful since I don’t know if I can handle another embarrassing thing or comment.

―

I put back the fallboard from its place after cleaning the piano keyboard. Silence occupied the distance between me and Lucas wherein an awkward atmosphere lingered for the longest time until I decided to break it.

“I grew up with my brother here in this orphanage before Sam adopted us and this piano here is my first musical instrument.” I claimed before resting on the piano seat.

“This piano also is what I used to teach him to play the music he serenaded to her on that birthday celebration. Indeed so many memories and most of them are painful.” I added with a miserable sigh escaping my lips.

“Then let’s make memories.” he suddenly concluded. I stared at him with wide eyes in disbelief.

“I may not be able to replace your memories with him and I don’t think I can, however I want you to know that there are good memories around you and I’ll do anything for you to see that.” he explained himself as he stood next to the piano, eyes focused on me.

“T-Thank you.” I stammered, still not used to his straightforwardness.

“You’re welcome and thank you for trusting me, Julian. I’ll treasure it.” he replied and again I didn’t know how to react on his pure honesty.

“I’ll wait for you downstairs.” Lucas finished as he turned on his heels before leaving me behind inside the room.

To be honest, in my heart, I truly hope that I was not being unfaithful to Dante by being with Lucas and trusting him. I know that I was not, but still it doesn’t seem right to feel like that towards someone else other than the man I love.

He may have ended our relationship however I didn’t and that was why I was not giving up.

I was not insisting myself on him, it was just that I do not have enough reason to finally give up on him. Indeed he broke his promise and left me all alone but I didn’t find it a good reason to give up especially when I love him so much.

I love him so much to give up on him so easily.

Broken Heart by Michael Ortega