《Hazelnut - Ryeji》20
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A week has passed.
I spent 7 days inside my room. I was unable to eat properly because of the painful feeling in my chest. I didn't go to school for an entire week, but my mom explained everything to my teacher.
She told them that I am very close with Yeji and she's the first good friend I have ever had so my teacher let me take a break for a week.
While sitting down on the corner of my room, I looked at the window with a blank expression on my face.
It was raining.
I almost spent the entire afternoon crying and thinking about Yeji. I still can't believe she's gone.
Yeji broke a promise of telling me when she would die. I broke a promise because I didn't protect her.
I was so sad that I didn't have the guts to attend her funeral because I believe that Yeji got killed because of me.
I hugged my knees as I picked up my broken phone on the wooden floor. I turned it on and I started looking at the messages that my two best friends sent to me.
Heejin sent me a picture of Yeji's funeral. The entire class attended her funeral. She also sent me a video of Yeji's two best friends, Lia and Chaeryeong. They were breaking down in tears in front of the entire class while hugging a picture of Yeji.
Hyunjin, on the other hand, kept on sending me messages. She kept on asking how I was and if I already ate.
They were worried about me because the rumour that I cut myself started to spread.
It was all true.
I looked at my right wrist and I furrowed my eyebrows as I compressed my trembling lips. I was on the verge of breaking down while looking at my wrist that is filled with cuts.
This experience taught me that people are only worried about you when you're already doing something to yourself.
I wanted to kill myself to end my misery, but I thought that Yeji will get mad at me. I wanted to jump on a pool and drown myself. I wanted to stand on the middle of the highway and wait for a car to hit me. "I don't deserve to live." I said in a weak voice.
While scrolling through my phone, I let out a small smile and a teardrop fell from my tired eyes.
I saw pictures of us in Gwangju. The smile on Yeji's face on the picture I was looking at made my smile grew as big as the blue skies.
I miss her.
I inhaled and exhaled sharply as I turned off my phone. I placed my phone in my pocket and I carefully stood up from the ground.
I finally faced reality.
I slowly accepted that Yeji is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back to me.
I thought that not giving Yeji a visit is very disrespectful and she might get mad at me. "I'll visit you today, Yeji." I said while smiling.
--
"Unnie, are you going to visit your friend today?" Yuna asked while looking at me and holding something behind her back.
I inhaled and exhaled sharply through my nose while standing by the door and holding an umbrella. "Yes." I placed my hand on the metal doorknob and I gently opened the door.
I let out a small smile while looking outside. The street was drenched in rain and it was cold. There were kids running and playing under the rain.
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"Unnie, Mom said that you should give these to your friend." Yuna handed me a basket made out of straws that is filled with different kinds of fruits.
I carefully took the basket from Yuna's hand and I let out a small smile. "Alright. Thank you." I smiled at my sister and I walked through the open door in front of me.
As my foot steps outside of our house, the strong wind started sending my hair to different directions. It was raining so hard, but there were people having fun in the rain.
I opened my umbrella and I let out a sigh of relief. The peaceful rain feeling reminded me a lot of my childhood. The time when happiness is the only emotion I have.
I put my umbrella above me to protect myself from the rain and I started walking.
I threw a glance behind me and I waved my hand at my sister who was looking at me with a grin on her face.
--
'I miss you, Yeji.' I thought to myself while kneeling on the ground and bowing at a picture of Yeji that had flowers around it.
I inhaled and exhaled sharply as I slowly rose from my position. I carefully stood up and I looked at Yeji's mother who was sitting on a chair.
"I'm sorry for not attending Yeji's funeral." I gave the woman in her 30s a bow.
The woman let out a small smile to me. "Are you Shin Ryujin?"
My eyes widened a little bit. I didn't know Yeji's mother knew my name. I walked towards the woman and I sat down across her and rested my arms on the table. "Yes. I am." I said with a nod.
The woman crossed her arms and she let out a small smile at me. "Yeji mentioned your name before. How did you become friends?"
I let out a smile as waves of memories started flooding my mind. "Yeji left her diary in the ice cream store I work at. I tried to give it to her, but Yeji suddenly passed out." I said. "I brought her to the hospital and that's when Yeji started following me around. We became very close."
"Do you know she has-"
"Yep." I said. "I was the only one who knew Yeji had cancer."
"I see." The woman said with a nod. "You know, Yeji left you a letter." The woman picked up an envelope from the table and she pulled out a small paper that is folded in half. She placed the small paper on the table. "Read it."
A confused expression on my face and I picked up the small paper without hesitation. "Is this-"
"Yeji's farewell letter. There are actually two more letters in this envelope because of Lia and Chaeryeong, but I forgot to give it to them." The cat-eyed woman chuckled.
I unfolded the paper and I looked at it for a few seconds. The paper was blue and it was filled with cute flower drawings.
"When Yeji suffered a seizure, we were told that she only had 6 months to live." The woman said. "Yeji decided to spend the entire day writing you three a letter. She was ready to say goodbye."
My heart was aching once again. I tried to stop myself from sobbing because I thought that it will be disrespectful to cry in front of Yeji's mother. I inhaled and exhaled sharply and I started reading Yeji's letter to me.
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"Dear Shin Ryujin, this story has a bittersweet ending. Maybe in our next story or next lives, we will be together. In the next life, I can get reincarnated as a police officer and you can be a pretty waitress. I can be an ex-convict and you can be a blind woman. I can be your cold classmate and you will be the cheerful one.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you that I only have a few months to live. You probably cried so much while looking at my unconscious body on the hospital bed. I am sorry that you got punched by Soobin. I am sorry for toying with your feelings. I wanted to kiss you, but I decided to hold myself back because I didn't want us to date since I'm already dying.
Thank you for being my friend. I had so much fun with you. More fun than with Lia and Chaeryeong. (Please don't tell them)
You're probably still wondering why I decided to hangout with you than my bestfriends. I wanted to hangout with a stranger and I was interested with you. I wanted someone whom I can reveal to that I have cancer and hangout with. I was afraid that if I tell Lia or Chaeryeong that I have cancer, they will stick by my side all the time.
Everyday, I keep on thinking about our vacation in Gwangju. It was very fun. I wish I can go back there and experience the gritty sand once again. Thank you for coming with me, Ryujin. By the way, my beanie is now yours!
And please don't hurt yourself. If you hurt yourself, I will give you a good smack on the head. Don't end your life when things go hard because if you do, you will miss out a lot in life. Everybody around you cares about you. Everyone will surely cry if you do something to yourself!
Thank you for being my friend. I was so happy that I met you.
Farewell!"
As I read the last word, tears suddenly started falling down from my eyes. "O-oh my..." I immediately wiped my tears and I looked at Yeji's mother.
The woman let out a smile at me. "It's okay to cry, Ryujin. Just let it all out." The woman stood up from her seat. "You can cry all you want. I'll just go clean Yeji's room."
"W-wait!" I said making the woman pause.
"What is it?"
I wiped my tears as I tried to regain my composure. "I-I'm sorry, but can I see Yeji's phone?" I asked.
The woman placed her hand in her pocket and pulled out a phone. "Here. Feel free to open it." She put the phone on the table.
I picked up Yeji's phone and I turned it on. I started wandering around Yeji's phone trying to find my last conversation with her.
"Did she see my message?" I asked myself.
After a few seconds of searching, I found our last conversation. My eyes became watery once again and my jaw started trembling out of sadness as I looked at Yeji's message to me that didn't send due to an error.
"I love you too, Ryujin."
I clenched my fists and I let go of Yeji's phone. I placed my hands on the table and I rested my face on the back of my hand. "Y.....Yeji..."
I started crying. My tears started falling down rapidly like rain. I was biting my lip preventing myself from yelling like an insane person. I bit my lip so hard that it started to bleed.
I spent 5 minutes crying. My chest was aching and I couldn't breathe properly. I kept on thinking about Yeji.
I kept on thinking about her smile that I failed to protect.
After crying for minutes, I eventually stopped. I sniffed as my nose was runny and I sat down properly. I wiped my tears and I looked at the woman standing while looking at me.
"I-I have to go now." I stood up from my seat. I gave the woman a bow and a smile.
"I have to talk to someone." I said.
--
"Why did you invite us in a restaurant out of the blue?" Lia asked while sitting besides Chaeryeong across me.
I let out a small smile. "I went to Yeji's house and-"
"What? are you happy now that she's gone?" Lia asked making me a little pissed off.
"Calm down, Lia." Chaeryeong whispered to her friend, but I heard it loud and clear.
I clenched both of my fists as I tried to contain my anger. My head was boiling and it felt like I was going to explode in a few seconds. "Maybe if Yeji took another path, she wouldn't get killed, righ-"
I was cut off when Lia suddenly slammed the table with her hand. She glared at me and said, "Watch your fucking words, you bitch."
It was obvious that Lia was very mad at me and there is a low chance we will become friends. I slightly bowed my head at them as I realised what I said. "I'm sorry." I politely apologized. I placed my hand in my pocket and I took out two small pieces of paper and placed it on the table. "These are Yeji's farewell letter to you two."
The two girls across me picked up the paper with a puzzled look on their faces. "Farewell letter?" Chaeryeong asked.
I inhaled and exhaled sharply. "Yeji was suffering from cancer."
They looked at me wide-eyed. The two of them started shaking a little bit while trying to process things. "W-what?" Lia asked.
"I was the only one who knew she had cancer." I said. "You're probably asking why she told me that. Well, Yeji wanted to hangout with a complete stranger." I explained.
"No wonder she's always at the hospital." Lia clenched both of her fists and she aggressively stood up. She was fueled up with rage. "W-why didn't you tell us? w-we could've spent every second with Yeji." Her eyes became watery.
Chaeryeong, on the other hand, had her hands on her face while crying and holding Yeji's letter.
"Y-Yeji didn't want you to worry." I said.
"Sure." Lia scoffed. "Let's go home, Chaeryeong."
Lia tried to walk away, but I stood up from my seat and leaned forward and grabbed her arm making her pause.
Lia glared at me with her bossy eyes. "Let go of my arm or I will scream." She threatened me.
I gently let go of Lia's arm and looked at her eyes. "P-please. Let's be friends." I said without hesitation.
"What?" Lia asked.
"Y-Yeji told me that I should find good friends or even a boyfriend or a girlfriend. She wanted me to find someone who will always be there for me." I said. "Y-you and Chaeryeong are good people. Yeji actually wanted us to become close with each other. P-Please, let's be friends." I begged.
Chaeryeong stood up from her seat as she wiped her tears. She looked at me with her red eyes and smiled. "Sure." She walked away.
I switched my attention to Lia and I let out a small smile that the angry look on her face dissolved.
Lia looked at me in the eyes. "Whatever!" She walked away.
When the two left, I breathed a sigh of relief. I smiled as I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.
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