"Do I really want her?"

"It's pretty stupid to ask that." Eli says as he sits in the corner of my room.

"Shut up! Let me vent!" I said as I sit up from my bed.

"But you want answers. You venting isn't gonna get you anywhere if you don't listen to me or Rich,"

Eli might be on to something here,

"You might be right. But right now I just want to let it out."

"It's whatever you want y/n."

I let out a relieved sigh and say, "Thank you,"

—

"Do you want my advice now?"

Eli said as I just finished my sentence.

"What advice could you possibly give me?"

I say in shock that he could ever give me something life changing.

"I give good ass advice!"

Eli said as he stands up and moves to me.

I shrug and let him do his thing as I lay back down on my bed, waiting for him to speak.

"You want to know if you still love her or not-"

"Woah woah woah!" I say making him stop his sentence.

"I wouldn't call it love,"

"I would." He says his difference, trying to let me see his side of things. I was just confused, I don't want to call it love anymore, it obviously doesn't mean anything to us now.

"How can you call it love though?"

"By the way you look into her eyes. By the way she looks back,"

I let out a bitter chuckle.

He continues while I listen to every word,

"The way you just light up when you're near her and the way she does the same! Billie looks like she was at her happiest with you, and I know you were so happy when you saw her. Yeah, shitty stuff happening between you two. But most of it was because she was scared. She didn't come out yet, while you came out, and maybe it wasn't the best when you did for some ends that you knew, but you still did that while she was stuck scared. Am I saying that some of the stuff she did because she was scared should be forgiven? No. But you also have to look at it in her shoes."

Eli finishes the long essay with a pat on my knee.

"I was scared too." I say as I sit up and rest my head on his shoulder.

"A lot happened to me because of her, and all of it wasn't just rainbows and sunshine."

"I know. But stuff happened to her too."

Eli tried to sympathize with me, making me see that I wasn't the only one going through it.

It's all just shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Nothing good happens when I'm with her!"

I snap at the redhead. My eyes becoming more cloudy as I start to tear up slightly.

"That's....not true. A lot of good things happened. You're only seeing the bad."

"Well if good happened, why can't I see it?"

Eli pauses for a moment. Taking in what I had just said to him. He takes a deep breath, then says,

"Because you're scared this time,"

"Me? Scared? What would I possibly be scared of?"

I think about all of this, it all just came to me and I think it's complete bullshit. But something in the back of my mind says something different.

"You're scared of her. Now that Billie said she didn't want to be with you, you got scared! Because you fell in love and thought she did too, but after all of that she knew how the relationship would go and didn't want to do it again. You said that because you didn't know how to feel, and now you regret it! Y/n, Rich isn't the only one who can read you well!"

I sit back, as far away as I can get from him.

He can't do this! Make it stop, I don't want him to know!

"And after all of this, you still won't believe me.

Y/n, you two had something. You two for sure fell in love. But would you ever stop to think maybe she fell out of love when you became harsh to her for what she did?"

His words, hitting deep in my heart.

"You can't possibly be..." I pause while staring at him, "You can't be on her side of this! She cheated!"

"Because she was scared! Y/n, people make mistakes, and I'm not defending her actions but what was happening inside her mind was deadly! Billie couldn't come out because she was fucking terrified! So she kissed me so people would stop being so nosy,"

Hot and steamy tears. Don't you love them?

Fucking awesome to have them when you don't want them.

"Get out."

"What?" Eli asks as he comes closer to me,

"I said, get out!"

I'll never forget the look he gave me as he walked out of my room.

I sat there on my bed, crying like a loser because he told me to feel what I didn't want to feel. He told me what I didn't want to trust.

Yet, like he said, I won't believe it for a second.

Fuck me, honestly.

I'm just a piece of shit for a lot of things.

Just because I was hurt.