'You don't know real pain until you see the one you love, love someone else.'

;

I wish I was stronger, or at least appear to be. I wasn't your girlfriend. Technically I had no right to be upset if you had one. You found real happiness, and I should be happy. But somehow showing happiness wasn't easy at all, as I dug my empty soul for a single trace of it.

I love you. Secretly, internally, eternally. I hid my tears and turned away when you two shared an intimate moment. I kept reminding myself to never be jealous. I really had no right. And I wished I could just control my emotions every moment I saw you. Maybe then, I wouldn't have been so hurt.

You were my everything, and I adore every bit of you, although I always seem to be irritated by the silly things you do. Every night before I sleep, I look at my wallpaper. A picture we took when we went for a cycle. All the silly things you did flashed in my head. And unconsciously, I wished I had you.

But I wish for the best for you. I knew you almost too well. You loved her almost too much. And I got almost too jealous. But what if I didn't know you, or what if you didn't love her, and what if I didn't get jealous.

I could drown in my depressive thoughts about the 'almost's or the 'what if's. Because we are always too curious about the what ifs, about the road not taken, and which would've been better. We would never know, because we couldn't turn back time.

If I never told you, still waters remind me of you. Every time you were down, we would sit by the small stream, on a log we used to call our secret spot. You would pick up a pebble and aimlessly throw it into the still stream. I watched as the pebble created ripples across the surface before they disappeared.

Love, was perhaps like ripples. It's present, before it goes further and further, and end up disappearing into the waters. I was probably like that too. A pebble you threw, that only meant so much to you while it rippled the waters, before it disappears.

The images of us will remain vivid for as long as how a mark would remain on a rock. Every time our hands brushed, or when you looked into my eyes. Those fleeting moments, where my heart would lose its mind, are the moments I held the closest to my heart. Those moments are those I carry with me everywhere I go, and end up thinking too much about a love that cannot be, and loosing sleep over us.

Ultimately, I entirely lost you. You were gone. Without a trace. The only time I could see your face, was if I saw your girlfriend. Your wallpapers, display pictures all changed and you cut yourself off from anyone else. From me. And I don't know how much pain someone can actually withstand before breaking down.

I wrote and wrote, hoping that I can write my problems away, write my woes away. Completely erase you without a trace, like how you were gone. I changed so much, to be someone so cold, no longer the same sociable and friendly person people knew me for. I was preparing so long for a moment where I could show you I'm strong enough to endure silent heartbreaks, and strong enough to see you share an intimate moment with your girlfriend.

But when I actually saw you, I felt my guard unconsciously coming down. You still looked the same since the last time. And when you put me in your embrace, I savoured every second of it. Because both of us matured in our thinkings so much, your embrace was the only thing that reminded me of our silly, youthful days. And the next thing you told me tore me.

You said you were getting married.

The pain came back, and it felt like every single goodbye I've heard in my entire life, said all at once. It felt worse than when I fell down from my bike, it felt worse than when I was humiliated in public. It felt worse than a million needles penetrating into my body.

Because you were no longer there to tell me it's okay. Because you are now the one who caused my pain. Because now, you are no longer you.

You became a scab to my scar. And time couldn't heal it. Our relationship that could almost make it if you felt the same way I did, our relationship that could make all the 7 billion people on earth jealous of us, couldn't happen, because it was destined you would fall for her, and I would fall.

But my heart still stupidly loves you.

That's what hurts. That's what pains. That's what heartbreaks are all about, with 2 billion songs written about it. And yet you can never really find a song to suit how you feel. Because a pain like this can never amount to just 2 billion songs. Even the number of stars in the milky way cannot compare to the inflicted pain. And the after effect, which is equally just as bad.

A silent heartbreak, where the sound of your heart shattering is the only thing you can hear. And your screams are inaudible. The times where I cried and collapsed into a mess at our secret spot.

Hopefully, somehow, someday you will understand how I actually felt, and hopefully, my tears and sadness will amount up to the happiness you experience every day.

Hopefully, hopefully. My pain will then be worthwhile.

-

Hope you guys have enjoyed this chapter! Cheers!

☀️