"It's just..." Cayden exhaled hard and put her phone down on the nightstand again, "It's my ex. I know it's kind of weird to talk about past relationships right now so just ignore me. I'm just kind of annoyed she texted."

"You can talk about it if you want," I said genuinely curious about her past relationships. I tried to shut off my jealous tendencies with Cayden because I knew it'd be a turn-off. I'd already basically had to beg her to give me a chance, asking her about past relationships or who she was seeing now—were all out of question. I was having a hard time suppressing it, though, and I was worried it'd all come spilling out eventually.

"There's not much to say," Cayden said. "We just didn't really work. Things were better the less we saw each other in person, which is weird to admit but it's true. When she knew she'd be transferring to NYU, she started making the drive more often and it felt like every time we saw each other, some sort of wall was being built up. You'd think we'd be thrilled to have us both in the same area but it just... didn't work out that way. But I think she's having a hard time admitting that to herself since she keeps reaching out and purposefully showing up at places that she knows I'm at."

"When did you break up?"

"Early summer," she said. "We'd been together for, like, eight months. Met when I was visiting back home in D.C.—she went to Howard actually. The relationship was fine but it was hard. We didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things and we'd both pick these stupid fights with each other for no reason. It was like, I knew the direction the relationship was going in and I knew it wasn't fun, but I didn't want it to end and she didn't either. It's hard being single, y'know?"

"Not really," I confessed, a hot blush spreading over my cheeks at sharing something personal with Cayden. But it felt right, since she was opening up to me. "I'd pretty much always been single before I met Sebastian and then we broke up and now I'm... here."

Cayden smiled a little. "I guess that's fair," she admitted but my body easily tensed when I realized what I had just insinuated, by saying I ended up here, which basically meant that I didn't associate being single with my current situation regarding her right now.

"Not to imply anything, I just—"

"No, I get what you mean," Cayden said, her tone genuine rather than passive. "Even if there are no labels or anything, it's hard to be truly, genuinely single when you're regularly sleeping with someone."

"Yeah."

Cayden nodded. She was quiet for a moment and then spoke again. "I think I moved on faster than she did. It was easier for me to accept that I wasn't actually all that happy with her. It's not that she was a bad girlfriend or did anything to me, we just... weren't compatible. Simple as that. And I don't think we ever will be."

"Do you keep in touch much?" I asked unconsciously which made my stomach drop due to how straightforward my question was, "Sorry, I don't want to pry into anything, I'm just curious. And here to listen, if you want to talk about it."

"I appreciate it," Cayden said. "And to answer your question, no, not really. We were kind of keeping in touch originally just here and there, but she drunk-called me at one point and I knew we needed to set some clearer boundaries. I'm one of those people who, when things are over, they're pretty much over. We can be friendly, but I'm not someone who goes back to their ex."

"I don't want want to be someone who goes back to their ex," I said, suddenly feeling a little naïve and inexperienced compared to Cayden. She spoke about relationships with a firm understanding, like she'd gone through trial and error and knew what she needed—and what she didn't. She had her patterns and habits regarding how she dated, who she dated, and what happened after the breakup.

"All that matters is that you know you don't want to go back," Cayden said. "You can still miss a relationship without missing the person or wanting to be with them again."

"I don't even miss Sebastian... given that I wasn't attracted to him in that way. But I do miss the friendship side of our relationship, before everything had started going downhill."

"It's okay if you miss him. It'd make sense if you did."

"I don't know... It's pretty stupid to," I said.

"You saw him as your best friend platonically, it's not stupid to miss him." Cayden saying that with her arms around me and my head still on her chest, felt like the most honest conversation I'd ever had about relationships. Even with Sebastian, our communication was fairly limited, I did everything to avoid conflict. Asking me to be his girlfriend was simple because I pretty much knew that's what I needed to do and that it needed to come next. We never really talked about kids or marriage, I guess since I hoped it wasn't something that was going to be long-term. Apart of me hoped that one day I'd have the courage to get out. I guess I just never noticed the emotional distance there was between me and Sebastian until that moment with Cayden.

"I haven't spoken to him at all," I said. "Or seen him. It's like he just completely dropped out of my life."

"I know. He's talked to me about it."

"Does he seem like he's moved on?"

"Are you asking because you don't want him to?"

"No, it would just be good to know where he is. And I know you seemed hesitant doing anything with me while he was still interested in me." I answered honestly. I hope he's happier, I hope he's moved on and even found a woman who actually likes men and wants a real future with him.

"Well he's hooked up with many girls so—" Cayden sighed. "I really wouldn't worry about him. Wherever he is emotionally is probably not worth wondering about."

"Wow, many girls?" I put emphasis on the word, but not in a jealous or upset way—just in a shocked manner. I guess there wasn't anything else to expect when it came to what he'd do after our breakup, and besides, I had no room to judge, since I was actively naked in bed with his best friend.

"I mean, I think he misses you, Vi... He started sleeping around when I told him he should probably stop trying with you," she said, trying to explain more of what she meant.

I frowned, not wanting to start anything but also feeling a little remorseful. It seems like she feels bad since he is her best friend and it's clear that he misses me, yet here I am fully moved on like none of it really happened and he's left with the damage. Maybe Cayden thinks I should feel worse about everything, and maybe I should—I wasted three years of his life all to uphold a certain image for my parents and friends.

"So you think I should feel guilty?"

"No, no, not at all," Cayden said and sat up so she could look at me. I felt exposed and vulnerable being naked face-to-face with her, but the fear seemed good. I really hadn't talked much about Sebastian since the breakup, I'd just moved on fully without dissecting any of my lingering feelings. Whether it was guilt or empathy, it was nice to have someone to help me talk about what was going on with me. "I'm just telling you that it's okay if you're still working through your emotions, but I'd never force you to go back to him or guilt you into it. I was only hesitant originally because I was... scared. I never wanted you to actually get back with him—he got physical with you and you seemed to be extremely unhappy—but I didn't want it to seem like I was forcing you to go so quickly from him to me. I wanted to know that you wanted to be with me because you were interested in me, not just using me as a warm body or for company."

"I had no idea," I said, quietly.

"You honestly make me kind of nervous, Vina. Being with you is fun. We have great sex, I always look forward to hanging out with you. But the circumstances are hard on me, too, just for different reasons."

"I don't want to go back to Sebastian," I said, "in case that's something you're worried about. You should know I'm done trying to be someone I'm not. If I'm being honest, I haven't really thought about Sebastian like that, and not in a denial kind of way, but just because I have much better things to spend my time on... I'd much rather think about you,"

Saying those words felt even more vulnerable than saying I love you. I'd never felt so seen or so scared to express anything. It all felt scarily intimate, especially knowing Cayden was looking at me, her dark eyes watching my expressions and body language. But it also felt good to say. It felt good to be open with each other and to actually talk about what was going on rather than just hide behind half-truths. We could've gone months, easily, without actually expressing any of that to each other, but I was glad we didn't. Even if I was nervous about what it meant. What if the moment didn't last? What if Cayden would regret being so open to me?

"I'd much rather think about us than about you and Sebastian," Cayden said, smiling slightly. "But I guess that's common sense."

With the way Cayden was talking, it seemed like the perfect moment to have an honest moment about where we were going and what she imagined for us. I wasn't totally sure what I wanted from her... did I want to jump into another relationship? Did I want to be exclusive? While this is such an intimidating situation, I also wanted to know. It was pointless to waste time worrying about it.

"So..." I started.