I started off my day totally irritated. I couldn't believe my body would betray me so intensely like that, giving me a dream about Cayden after everything I'd gone through with her. It felt like some kind of sick joke that didn't help me get over her even a little bit.

Mostly, it was embarrassing that I was still thinking about Cayden that vividly. It wasn't just that I'd had a dream about her—it was that I'd had one where I confessed my feelings and Cayden apologized to me. The entire thing made me feel so pathetic and desperate for her validation in the worst way.

But, in a way, that was what I was. All I wanted was for Cayden to get back to me. I wanted her to text me, to see me, to tell me that everything was fine and she really cared about me. I didn't understand why I had to be cut in the way that I was.

I got dressed, embarrassed and sad that the dream wasn't real. More than anything, I wanted Cayden to contact me. I wanted us to talk. It was so close and so specific that it felt real. I really felt like I'd had talked with her, that I'd really cried in her arms.

I hid under my comforter, considering never coming out. Cayden really hurt me, worse than anyone had, and I really hated it. She probably had so many other girls who felt the same exact way as her, so many girls vying for her attention. I was just one of many. I'd totally fallen for her tricks.

I had to go to the gym... I had to do something. I couldn't let her win.

Plus, being miserable in bed would only make me feel worse in the long run.

I groaned and got up, throwing on clothes and getting ready for the gym. I felt so sick it was hard for me to eat. I had a yogurt and brought my wallet with me knowing I'd want a snack later. After making sure I had everything, I left for the gym. Griffin sadly couldn't come due to his terrible hangover last night. Apparently he and Evan—the blonde man—got into some bourbon last night before hooking up. I already know his hangover is worse than any kind I've had.

The gym wasn't what I thought it would be. While I got my anger and sadness out with my heavy lifting and cardio, I felt exhausted now... mentally and physically. Listening to music didn't help me mentally, but it did encourage me through my reps. I suppose I feel somewhat better, but Cayden is still a nagging thought in the back of my head. She's one of those thoughts that I forget about during a moment of distraction, and when I'm reminded again it hurts much worse than before.

Despite both Kori and I genuinely agreeing on wanting something easy and low-stress, I promptly texted her when I got home. I didn't give myself time to talk myself out of it. I knew, somewhere in me, that it was a bad idea, that I was roping someone into something that they didn't need to be involved in. But Cayden had hurt me and Kori seemed genuinely nice. I was ready to get over it. I was ready to get over her.

Kori responded about an hour after I texted, immediately apologizing for taking so long and saying that she'd been out focused on taking as many pictures as she could, but that she'd love to meet up. She even recommended this Christmas cookie pop-up shop near Columbia University on the Upper West. Since Christmas was approaching in a little under two weeks, I agreed to go.

I was expecting I'd feel nervous but rather than nervous, I was feeling ill in the sense that I wanted it to work really badly. I wanted Kori to sweep me off my feet and for her to be so great to me that I forgot about Cayden completely. I wanted freedom.

I got ready to go out, realizing that I didn't feel anything like when I was getting ready to see Cayden. I felt mostly flat, like what I was doing was an obligation rather than a want. The feeling really sucked, I felt mean and terrible for feeling that way about Kori, who was genuinely a nice person.

I got in my Uber and rode to the Christmas cookie pop-up, looking around for any sign of Kori. I spotted her immediately and, while I didn't feel any kind of rush when I saw her, I considered that maybe that was a good thing. Maybe Cayden was taking over my life so completely and making me feel like I constantly needed to run to keep up with her wasn't healthy, maybe it was better to be with someone who felt level and kind all the time. I couldn't do the highs and lows anymore.

Even if I really want to.

"Hey," I greeted Kori when I stepped out of the Uber. I readjusted my brown sherpa jack and looked around. It wasn't super busy, probably because it was the middle of the day.

"You look nice," Kori said, smiling at me. She sounded so genuine that it was hard not to be charmed by the compliment. I tried to imagine myself under her or on top of her, tried to picture the kind of sex we'd have, but was having a hard time getting there.

Maybe it's just hard to visualize because we haven't done anything together yet, I thought.

"Shall we?" Kori asked and gestured to the quaint brick building with warm lighting illuminating the inside.

I followed her and she held the door open for me, something I knew I should've liked in her. She genuinely was such a kind person—it was so obvious. Everything she did was kind. But it was hard to imagine us together. I didn't feel any sensation of desperately wanting to rip off her clothes or be with her. I hoped that maybe I'd be able to get there eventually.

We ordered together and Kori paid, stepping in before I could even pull my wallet out of my purse.

"Booth or table?"

"Booth sounds great," I said, looking at the red plush booth.

Kori obliged without argument, and we walked over to the dark wooden booth lined with red cushions. After sitting down and digging into the soft decorated cookies, we talked about our families and our degrees and what we were hoping to do. She mostly talked about building her portfolio and how she was already doing so many gigs, which was impressive since she still had one more semester until graduation.

I liked hearing the way she talked about photography and how passionate she was about it. I also learned how smart, funny, and respectable she was. I should've been into her. Maybe in another life, I could've. The Vina before Cayden would've probably responded really well to someone like Kori, especially after everything with Sebastian.

But since meeting Cayden—someone who brought out so much life in me, so much excitement—it was hard to think Kori would ever make me feel like that.

Kori wrapped up the date, saying that she had dinner plans with friends to get to, which I appreciated. I was genuinely a little sad for it to be over. Regardless of how I felt about Kori, she was really great to talk to and clearly loved guiding a conversation in a way where both of us contributed equally.

"It was great to see you," Kori said. "Really."

"Yeah, you too," I said as Kori walked me to my Uber.

"Maybe another time soon?"

I considered, probably for so long that Kori started to get nervous. It was maybe only a second or two, but I thought about everything going on—I gave myself that split second to make the right choice, to tell Kori I was in a weird spot and shouldn't be dating, even casually. But instead, I went for it.

"That sounds great," I said and walked to my Uber. "Text me."

"I will," Kori said and waved before walking toward her studio apartment that was nearby.

I got settled into my seat and took a breath, wondering how it was for Kori. I wondered if she could tell how I was feeling or if she was worried. Maybe she was really nervous. Or maybe she was going through her own weird phase with some girl and didn't know how she felt about me, either.

I pulled out my phone, throwing around different possibilities about how Kori and I felt about each other, only to see a text that nearly made me drop my phone.

Cayden: Can we talk?