UPDATED ✅

getting up in the morning no longer felt like a hassle, knowing i was going to spend most of the day with kenma anyways.

now i walked into first period, looking forward to third period when i got to see kenma as an office aid.

i sat in my chair, and kuroo who was already there, turned to me.

"hey y/n". he smiled.

"uh hey". i said back.

he had a weird look on his face, and it was unsettling.

the teacher was already talking about something, but i couldn't pay attention because kuroo was staring at me.

"what is it"? i asked abruptly turning to face him.

he grinned wide.

"i didn't think either of you could be so dirty". he mumbled.

my eyes shot open, and although i wanted to wish i didn't know what he meant, there was a churning feeling in my gut that told me we both understood each other's body language very clearly.

"i mean i guess i understand, but the locker room is such a risky place, kenma should have known better". he said turning his pencil in his fingers.

my face started to burn.

"what- are you talking about"? i managed to say, the only think i could think to do is deny deny deny.

"there's no point in lying, it's not like i'm gonna do anything about it, but just so you know... i was in there from start to finish".

i bit my lip.

this is the most embarrassing thing i could ever imagine. maybe even worse i don't know.

"kuroo please". i said begging for this secret to be kept.

"why are you begging? i already told you i have no interest in exposing you. i just thought you should know, you should be more careful from now on".

i wanted to cry almost.

i enjoyed kenma so much, but his way of not caring got me in deeper than i had hoped for.

no more public stuff.

its too much for me to handle.

and we didn't even hear kuroo come in.

for all we know, the coach could have came in there at any time, or even worse, the principal doing a surprise check around the school, my MOM coming to get me for an early release!!

i was starting to panic a little, and had to remind myself those were things that didn't happen.

"kuroo i'm sorry". i said with a shaky voice.

he put his finger on my forehead and thumped it.

AH-

"just don't be so dumb, i already talked to kenma about it".

WHAA-

"no now it's gonna be so awkward"!

"shhh". kuroo hushed my outburst.

"he's fine, and you're fine, it's more awkward for me having to hear you two, you know".

i blushed.

"why did you stay so long"? i asked.

he blushed now.

"well at first i thought you two were arguing, and then i thought you two were just making out and i was gonna spill it to the team, and thennn- when i heard other things i got the message and ran out of there before i puked".

"you act like you're so innocent".

he smiled with those sharp teeth of his and leaned down, looking into my eyes like a snake.

i felt his breath hitting my face when he spoke.

"i'm a virgin babe".

he sat up and winked at me.

i was awfully shocked.

i leaned forward.

"but you're so cool.. and all the girls clearly want you, how is that possible"? i questioned.

"no one gets to try me out until i want it". he said.

"so you don't want it"? i asked.

"i want someone worth it atleast".

"well when is that gonna happen"? i asked confused.

"Dunno". He stated.

i sat up and started working on my homework, the class remained pretty quiet usually. so this was a great room for studying as well.

even though kuroo didn't give me any pressure about the kenma situation, i still felt a knot forming in my stomach, knowing the three of us would have to sit in a room together all that time. and THEN eat lunch together.

*sigh

i can't believe i didn't hear him come in.

the blood was just rushing to my head and blocking out everything that wasn't kenmas voice.

i also can't believe i lost my virginity and i wasn't dating the person.

i mean kenma is sweet.. i think.

actually he's never told me any stories, i hardly know much about him.

and i was starting to feel bad about myself, i was starting to feel... slutty.

for having sex without knowing him all that much, nonetheless in public, and without protection too.

my mind was now showing me clarity, and i was starting to realize how much of an idiot i had been to let him do that.

i mean i liked it, but is there something wrong with me for accepting?

does... does kenma even really like me all that much?

what the hell-

oaktree- self conflict is the worse kind.

readers, younger and older.

as long as sex is legal and consensual.

there is nothing wrong with it.

you are not a slut, you are not a hoe, you are not a prostitute.

sex is just a word.

and it has many meanings to me.

as long as you are happy with the choice, then you should not feel shame.

i use the books i write to spread messages too, because this is actually a platform where i have many people watching what i say.

i want you to know that if you have ever felt shamed, or bad about yourself for something like this, or maybe guilty for even thinking about it.

you are perfectly normal.

everyone does things that they regret, or they do things that they were told aren't right.

but the only person that can decide what is right for you. IS YOU.

i'm sick and tired of girls being put down.

you need to find your empowerment.

you are not dirty, you are fucking beautiful and irresistible.

you are

a goddess

a natural wonder

a mother of dreams

and a guiding light.

our futures are all connected some how.

and i want to hear you stories some day of the great things you have done, and the places you have been.

🤍i know all the writers here on wattpad say this, but i TRULY TRULY mean when i say.

reader, i dearly love and value you.

and you can talk to me about anything at all, no judgment ever.

you're worth the entire universe.

~oaktree.