SOMETIMES CHOOSING YOURSELF OVER OTHERS IS IMPORTANT

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TW: SUICIDE MENTION

It was the next day.

We both were busy.

He was on his iPad and I on his laptop. He asked if I wanted to do something and when I agreed, he gave me his laptop.

I was watching some youtube crime documentaries. I've never been interested in watching movies or any show. They never had my interest. So it's always a documentary. They are way more interesting.

I paused the documentary and turned to him.

"How did you find me bubs?" I asked while having a banana. This morning the doctor prescribed me meds. I still have concerns over the bill.

He didn't reply, not even turned to him.

But I know he heard me. His apple pencil stopped for a second and he pushed his glasses up.

"I'm waiting for my answer," I said in a stern voice with my hands on my hip.

"I came to your office," he said slowly but still didn't look at me. He wasn't much of a talker. I was the one who always talked.

"Why?" I asked in confusion.

"I um I-" he was cut off when his phone rang.

He sighed in relief. The AUDACITY.

I wanted my answer, you Buffon.

He talked in some alien language and gritted his teeth.

He visibly stiffened and hung up.

One thing I noted was, he never did the formalities of 'byee and hellos'.

He came to me and cupped my face.

"I've got some work. I'll answer your questions later. Will you be okay?" he asked tenderly.

"Of course. In the meantime, I'll watch these documentaries and tell you later about the killer" I smiled.

I've started telling him about my suspects and he listens very carefully. Since we both woke up early today, we got freshen up and I watched these documentaries.

He was working while I was telling him. He even told me I was thinking all wrong and I dismissed his guess and in the end, he smirked at me. His speculations were right. Meanie

Of course, I was wrong.

"Tell me about them" we bid our byes' and he kissed my hand.

I'm not washing that hand. I mean I'm, but I won't.

Wipes? Wipes it is.

I had a bit of lunch, that hospital provided me, and then the pill, the same with dinner.

He didn't come the entire day. Same the next two days.

I kept on charging the laptop and using it.

It was becoming so lonely.

I didn't feel like talking to the guards or anyone. I was comfortable around people as long as he was there. Now, my brain suddenly remembered that I once had anxiety so now I was anxious with people around me.

I was spending most of my time trying to forget that I need him.

I don't want to be abandoned again.

The after process of self-healing kicks your butt.

I'm sure he had work, no doubt, but dude a call wouldn't harm anyone.

I was in the washroom now. I didn't wear the gloves

Surprisingly when I woke up in the hospital I had gloves, how? No idea.

My hands and body were something I made sure to not see in the mirror. I never had the guts to look at them. Never. They always reminded me of how weak I was.

I am still weak.

I have just stopped crying over those memories. The haunting memories of me sobbing and clutching myself needs to be kicked out.

I once tried using the blade and it scarred me. I didn't need the blade to inflict harm on me, I already had someone.

Even in school, I had no friends. They scared me. I always knew more than my words, my presence was hated.

But I didn't want to end my life. I had to live. Not for anybody, but for myself.

I don't know why but this sudden rush of loneliness was haunting me.

I didn't want to be lonely anymore.

I want to talk to people freely.

I never asked for this.

I didn't sign up for the constant void and numbness.

I didn't want to bottle up my feelings anymore.

I wanted someone. No, not a boyfriend. Just a friend. For some time I wanted to spend my time not being hated constantly by my subconscious mind.

For some time I wanted to talk and vent.

For some time I wanted to know about their life and know I'm not a bad and unattractive or unapproachable person.

For some time I wanted peace. Bliss.

It wasn't even living, merely existing.

Does hanging from a fan give you bliss?

Does jumping from a building give you bliss?

I don't know the answer, and I hope no one tries to know.

I hope all of us pass this phase.

All of us together, live for ourselves. Love ourselves and enjoy ourselves.

I wanted to start anew. With a smile, but could I?

================================

Please take to someone about the shit you're going through in your life.

I know it's hard, I myself am a victim of it. but at least we should try.

You can talk to me. I'm a great listener, I hope. My PMs are always open. You can also share here, in the cs. I'll make sure there is no toxicity in the cs.

VOTEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Take care