《ᴍʏ ᴍᴏᴍ ɪs ᴡʜᴏ? ✔︎》A Mother's View
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| Alex |
I don't take my eyes off of my daughter as Jack takes Jordyn out of the room, something I'm thankful for. I don't need more people to hear what's about to be said than there needs to be.
Jack came to me a week ago, worried about Cody and how she's been behaving, she mentioned that she seen Cody with a kid from school that 'everyone knows is sketchy', to say the least. She mentions how Cody's standard of play on the field has deteriorated, she's sloppy, not making runs, and not even bothered by the fact that her coach and teammates are on her case.
I'm not sure if it's because she's already won State, beyond her years, and that she feels like she doesn't need to put in any effort because there's no games approaching, but whatever the reason is, I'm worried.
After speaking with Jack numerous times about my daughter, each time she became increasingly worried, I went against my inner voice that screamed 'don't fucking do it', but I did it. I searched my daughter's bedroom. I assumed she was drinking again, if she even stopped, but when I found the pill bottle, my heart broke.
It broke because this was my daughter, doped up and I hadn't even noticed. It broke my heart because these are heavily addictive and once hooked it's an addiction that you carry through your entire life. It broke my heart because if she doesn't get a handle on this she could spiral out of control, and it may take her life. After I found the pills I decided to speak to someone who might give me a little more insight, that would be Ash. She was here with Ali, who has grown attached to my daughter, so while Ali was with Cody I took the opportunity to talk with my Orlando teammate, Hope also in the room with us. Ashlyn made it clear to not make my daughter feel victimized, and most people fall into addiction have reasons for doing so - the monsters she lived with came to mind, making me feel like a bigger failure. I'm her mother, I should see these things, make these connections before addiction is even an issue.
But here we are, arguing in the kitchen. Not raising my voice at my daughter as she yells at me is incredibly difficult, but Ashlyn's voice travels through my head, meanwhile I'm just wishing she was here and not at lunch with Kriegs.
"I said please!" My daughter yells at me, desperately trying to evacuate the kitchen, despite me standing in her way. Now that I know about her pill-popping, I can see she's high. I move out of her way, no wanting to physically hold her back because I know she can still be triggered by that, instead I hold the bottle up.
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"Why do you have these?" Is all I ask her, and I watch as she turns around, slowly. She doesn't meet my eyes, I know she's feeling ashamed, but only for a second before something flashes in her eyes and she turns hostile.
"What the fuck! Who do you think you are? Snooping around my room!" Well, I can't argue with her, I know it's all kinds of messed up, not trusting my daughter but it needed to be done.
"Why do you have these? How long have you been taking them? Do you even know what they are, and how addictive they are?" I ask my daughter, trying to steer the conversation we're having.
"Uh, I need them because I need them. Of course I know what they are, I'm not an idiot, I'm not addicted, and I've been taking them longer than I've known you." She snaps back and I try my hardest to hold in the tears I feel when thinking about her childhood, and how much I've missed.
"You were taking these because of what they did to you?" I decide to ask her, ignoring her passive aggresive statements about my absence.
"Yes, can I go now?"
"No, Cody, you can't just fucking leave!" I take a deep breath, calming myself as much as I can before I continue, Ashlyn's words constantly in my mind and I don't want Cody to feel like a victim because of her addiction issues, she's already got enough personal experiences that make her feel like a victim, but I also believe she needs to open her eyes and notice her cravings which are clear as day to the rest of us. "You're not living with them anymore, so what are you possibly taking them for if not that you're simply addicted?"
"I'm not addicted, stop saying that!" She yells at me, and my own irritation grows as we continue to go 'round in circles.
"Then why the fuck would you still need to be taking Percocet? How do you even get this stuff, Cody?" At this point, I'm too busy internally scolding myself to expect an answer. However, I'm relieved when she begins to explain that she buys them from a boy in school, who is related to the sheriff, which to me is just stupid, but I put the pieces together - this is the sketchy kid that Jack was telling me about.
"Does Jack know?" I ask my daughter, and I don't miss the guilty expression that dons her face as she bites her lip. She opens her mouth to answer but doesn't get the chance when the kitchen door swings open and Jack enters, flanked by Hope, Kelley and Tobin, who all know what's going on with my daughter.
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"Do I know what, Cody?" Jack asks her best friend, and I see a look in my daughter's eyes, a look that shows how much she doesn't want to lie to Jack, but she's also struggling because telling her would mean being honest with herself about her addiction.
"Alex thinks I'm addicted to pain m-"
"You are, Cody." I state, growing tired of the back and forth I'm having with my daughter.
"I'm not, Alex." She mocks me as she pivots, giving me her full attention once again. "You shouldn't even be snooping in my room, what were you even looking for?" I can't really argue with that, I know it was wrong, but I couldn't watch her throw her life away.
"These." Is all I say, shaking the half-empty pill bottle in my hand, watching my daughter as she starts to realize that she's not as great at acting sober as she thinks she is, not with a best friend like Jack.
"Wait...what?"
"I know the signs, Cody." Jack tells her and we all watch in silence as my daughter looks between Jack and I.
"So, you all just talk about me now, huh?" Cody asks us, and I sigh as she reverts back to a defensive attitude, which Hope has obviously gotten tired of, also.
"Okay, that's enough." Hope interrupts my daughter before she can spiral into an endless pit of suspicion of those around her, as she eyes the bottle still in my hand. "Look at you, Cody. You can barely take your eyes off of them!" Her voice raises, and I just want to pull my daughter in for a hug, all my instincts telling me to protect her but Hope isn't the problem, the pills are and how they're altering her mind, so I stand my ground. "Cody, you need help. You're irritable, and short tempered. You barely eat, you're nauseous-"
"Doesn't mean anything." Cody brushes it off. "Maybe I'm just sick."
"Oh, you're definitely sick, being an addict is a disease and before you say you're not an addict - you are", Hope begins, and once again I want to protect my daughter but once again, I don't move, hoping that the tough love approach from Hope will help my daughter see some sense. "Don't bother trying to deny it because the only person you're fooling is yourself. We're all here because we care about you. You chose to continue seeing a therapist, talking about your issues isnt weakness, Cody. You're strong and whatever else you're struggling with, you can make it through because you're strong. Because you're not alone." Hope ends her little rant, and my daughter doesn't speak, obviously still trying to digest everything Hope had thrown at her, while she does that, Solo turns to me.
"Give me that bottle, Alex." I look to Tobin and Kelley, who both look incredibly saddened and I release a sigh, handing the bottle to my ex-teammate, who walks to the sink, and pours the contents, emptying the bottle.
"What the fuck?! Stop that!" I grab my daughter as she tries to storm her way to Hope, and I hold her tightly, despite her trying to fight her way out of my hold and I feel a few tears escape my eyes despite my unwillingness to let them fall.
"You need help, Cody." Her best friend tells her before she leaves the room, and my daughter stops fighting as she watches Jack leave. I release her from my hold, wiping my tears.
"Okay..." My daughter says, as she walks to the island, grabs her phone and leaves.
"Are you okay, Jan?" Kelley asks, and while I want to just break down and cry, I can't help but chuckle at my best friend. I know she's worried about Cody, too, she sees Jack as her own daughter now, and since my daughter is Jack's best friend, she cares for Cody, too.
"I will be, if she can get through this." I tell her and accept the hug I get from Tobin, pulling away to talk to Hope while her arms remain around my waist. "Thanks, I don't think I could pull off the tough love act like you do."
"It's no problem. I care about Cody, too." Hope hugs me and leaves the room with Kelley, leaving me in my girlfriend's arms.
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