Jeongguk locks himself away on his dorm room that night.

When he came stumbling upon the door hours earlier, hands shaking and mind a whirlwind of emotions, his members had asked him what was wrong. He couldn't answer, all he knew was that he needed space and he needed to think think think--

It was all too much and all too soon.

Beside him, his phone battery is at the edge of shutting itself off at 4%. He doesn't need to know that the lock screen has a barrage of several missed calls and multitude of message notifications from a certain someone, but he's painfully aware of the fact.

He hadn't meant to leave like that, but the onslaught confession caught him off guard. Everything he fears came back to him through that simple I like you; Jinwoo, his words, their past, his present. He couldn't manage to say anything, not with the thoughts that ran in his head, and the words that came out of his mouth was not what he had meant to say.

It was too late to take it back now, anyway.

Jeongguk has always been bad at feelings, bad at expressing himself, and what happened with Lisa is just the living proof that he needs to improve those certain aspects of himself.

Closing his eyes, he releases a sigh and places a hand over his face.

Things went shitty tonight, he thinks. Maybe if he sleeps this off, things will go back to normal tomorrow.

Things did not go back to normal the next day.

As it turns out, sleeping didn't fix everything. Jeongguk still wakes up feeling flummoxed, guilt chipping away his conscience as his mind finally catches up on yesterday's happenings. He'd left Lisa there in her apartment, alone, wondering why the hell she wasn't good enough just because he didn't think his response through.

He groans and tosses and turns on his bed at the memory. Fuck, he was so stupid. So so so fucking stupid.

It's hours later until he finally rises from the confines of his duvet, and Jeongguk takes a moment to just stare at the plain white ceiling and think.

Well, what now?

Now that Lisa's feelings are out in the open, what now? What should he do?

The initial plan had been to reject her, but somehow, recalling Lisa's disappointed and embarrassed face last night prevents him from doing so. There's just something about Lisa's usually bright eyes morphing into rejection that makes his gut churn, makes his heart sink. He knows he needs to do something, but he doesn't know what.

Just as he reaches over to grab his phone from the night stand, a set of frantic knocks pounded through his door and Taehyung suddenly barges in, bed hair and drool and all.

"Gguk," he rasps, and Jeongguk stands up, alert. "Jisoo's here."

Oh. Oh God.

"Lisa's Jisoo?" He clarifies, although he knows that she definitely is here. There's no other explanation. She must've heard from Lisa about what happened and has come to rip his head to pieces.

Taehyung nods, forlorn. "Yeah, she's... I don't think she's in a great mood."

Shit. Jeongguk scratches his cheek while standing up from the bed. "Okay, uh, just tell her to wait a bit. I've got to wash up and get ready."

With shaky hands and a too-fast heart, he manages to get to his bathroom and make himself presentable. Jeongguk washes his face and brushes his teeth under three minutes, and he spends the remaining two minutes pacing back and forth in his bath tub.

Jisoo has always treated him well, ever since she and Taehyung started hanging out years ago despite his very... interesting opinion on Queen of Disaster back then. If Jisoo knew that Jeongguk used to look down on them, she never mentioned it nor treated him differently.

That's exactly the reason why he starts fidgeting as he makes his way to the living room, where he knows she's waiting.

He finds the older sitting alone on the love seat, a finished cup of chamomile tea placed on top the coffee table. Jeongguk bets that Taehyung gave it to her for her to calm down, but the visible frown and the evident downturn of her mouth is proof that it didn't work. Fuck.

"Um," he squeaks, squeaks out of all things, "h-hi, noona."

Jisoo's eyes narrow when she finally looks at him. Jeongguk tries to meet her gaze, and yet the guilt doesn't let him. He can't look at her now when all he remembers is Lisa's face. "Sit."

He suddenly feels as if this is Jisoo's dorm and not his.

Just where the hell are the others?

Nonetheless, he takes a seat across her, trying to prevent himself from making any noise. For what, he doesn't know, but he thinks that if he so much as push the coffee table Jisoo would hear and would pounce on him while sinking her teeth into his arm.

Silence hangs in the air then. Jisoo doesn't start talking though Jeongguk could feel her eyes sweeping over him, scrutinizing his every move. He tries to make himself smaller by hunching his shoulders, dropping his eyes to the table between them as a sign of surrender. He's ready to be yelled at, scratched, anything, just as--

And then she sighs.

"I'm not mad at you." Jeongguk's head snaps up so fast that it sends a piercing pain down his neck. Jisoo is leaning back on her chair, playing with the loose thread of the cushion. "Well, I am mad, but not as much as you expect."

"What do you--" his voice is raspy, "why?"

Jisoo shrugs. "I know I should be, what with how you treated Lisa and all." She emphasizes her name and Jeongguk tries his hardest not to flinch. "I was ready to come here, guns blazing, I had a mental speech about you acting like an asshole, but then I thought, that would be unfair to you now, would it?"

Jeongguk shakes his head. "No, I deserve it. I've been nothing but--"

"Nonsense, Jeongguk. I know that everything you do has a reason. I just don't want to--" she makes a wild gesture with her hands, "--act all childish, you know? I don't want to jump into conclusions and assume things about a matter which I'm not involved in. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt."

Well. That sounds like an indirect jab.

Jeongguk still remains speechless.

It gets too quiet that the older finally straightens up and actually looks at him with determination. "Look, Jeongguk, I've seen how fondly you treat her. I've seen the way you put her first than yourself. I've seen how you stare at her when you think she's not looking, almost as if it seems like the world is blue and gray and she's the only one bursting with color."

"We're soulmates. That's how it's supposed to be," he reasons, but it doesn't stop the bile that rises in his throat. His body knows he's lying, but he's not about to admit that. No.

"And I just want to know," she ignores him, "what happened? You were both doing so well, especially during that dinner. I've never witnessed Lisa write as many love songs as she did these past months. Imagine my shock when she came to my apartment last night, wet and cold from the snow."

Instantly, concern crawls up to Jeongguk's spine. "What? Is she okay? Is she sick?" Damn it. He's always reminded her to wear her winter coat whenever she leaves her place, even going as to far as hanging her coat right next to the front door with a post it note just so she won't forget. So forgetful, he thinks.

One of Jisoo's brows quirks with amusement. "She's fine, don't worry."

He blinks. Wait. "I wasn't worrying th--"

"What you need to worry about is your relationship." He shuts his mouth. Jisoo sighs. "Now, I know I just said this is a matter I'm not involved in, but I would like to add a little outsider advice, if you want to hear it."

Jeongguk nods.

"Stop denying," is all she says.

The response comes out faster before he even thought about it. "I'm not denying anything."

"You literally just did, Jeongguk."

"I don't--"

The older stands up in a blink of an eye. "Stop. Think. Reflect. It'll give you a peace of mind, trust me."

He could only watch it confusion as she leaves, the cup of chamomile tea standing alone on the small table.

Jeongguk isn't denying anything, is he?

It starts in the little things.

The day after Jisoo had given him that talk, Jeongguk rose to a new day with a heavier weight atop his shoulders, and an even heavier baggage under his eyes. His members don't mention anything about it, afraid to poke the barely there walls that the youngest has placed around himself so that his feelings don't spill. Feelings are complicated. They're stupid. They hurt.

(And Jeongguk, despite his outburst, is hurting.)

His day goes like normal. Go to rehearsal. Write a line or two here and there. Vocal lessons. Drink coffee from the fucking coffee machine just outside the meeting room. He tries to act normal as possible--he does, but the façade that he's built nearly crumbles when he walks in onto Seokjin playing the guitar in Namjoon's studio.

The sounds of guitar strings takes him back to a few nights ago--when Lisa had played the chords of a certain song and Jeongguk had sung to her, the both of them cocooned in their own little world where all he knew were stars and the sound of her voice.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

Before Seokjin could even catch the way Jeongguk's expression morphs into that of shame, the youngest has already fled from the room, leaving the guitar behind.

Texting is really not Jeongguk's favorite thing to do. He just doesn't get it; why text when you can just call? Alas, Hoseok hyung was persistent that Jeongguk should text him rather then dial him when his package from Amazon arrives at the dorm, because apparently the elder is busy the entire day that he doesn't have the time to answer calls.

Whatever.

So when the delivery guy deposits the package in their front door, the youngest grabs it swiftly and takes it to the kitchen counter to be placed. He takes out his phone and scrolls in his messages and-- oh.

lalisa

Her name seems to glare at him even if it's within the screen. There are several unread text messages, all of which are from her, and he tries not to read what's written despite seeing the words please and sorry in the preview.

God. Jeongguk's heart physically hurts. He has the sudden urge to open their messages and scroll up and read their previous conversations--his body and his heart craving for the one person he lo- likes, and to just reminisce all the times when they used to be happy together.

Fuck. How is she doing now? Is she eating well? Does she take her Vitamin Cs? Does she manage to feed the cats regularly? Is she--

Stop, he thinks. Jeongguk, stop it. It's not important.

He has to close his eyes for a moment to focus and take a couple of deep breaths.

It's not the time to think about this. Whatever they had is all over as soon as he left her apartment that night. It's gone. Nothing will come back.

With a deep sigh, he searches for Hoseok's contact and texts him as promised.

* * *

Isn't it just funny when you're in a situation wherein you promise yourself to not think of a certain person, and then when you see something mundane--like a cat or a Spotify playlist or even a goddamn donut--you remember them? It's as if they're hiding in back of your mind and appearing only when you think you've got your life figured out.

Jeongguk tries to ignore these signs. He avoids eating donuts. He closes his eyes whenever he sees a cat. He deleted his Spotify app and listens on Melon instead. He even went as to far as deleting her phone number! So why--why is he still feeling like this? Why does he feel so... so confused and so hurt when he doesn't even--

He doesn't even--

"Earth to Jeongguk!"

Said man flinches, nearly dropping his phone in the process. "Yes?"

"I asked you if you were feeling fine. You look a little pale," Jimin replies from across the practice room. They've been practicing a few dance routines for their upcoming recording next week, and to be honest, Jeongguk has been feeling a bit out of it. "Are you okay?"

Sure enough, when he places a hand on his forehead, he comes in contact with droplets of sweat. "I... I guess I am. Just feeling cold though, and my head kinda hurts. It'll pass soon, I'm sure."

His hyung frowns, but nods anyway. "If you're feeling unwell you can always tell us, yeah?"

A slight throb on his head makes him wince. "Yeah. It's no problem."

Except it is a problem, which is why the members find him crouching on the floor hours later, holding his head in his hand and it just hurts. Everything fucking hurts. His vision is blurry, his head is pounding, his back aches.

There's a chatter around him--his hyungs, no doubt--and they seem to be arguing over something that he can't just grasp onto. A hand suddenlylands on his shoulder.

"Gguk, when was the last time you saw Lisa?"

"Three weeks ago," he answers without a beat. There's nothing in his mind but the pain he feels and it's fucking up his thoughts. All he wants right now is his soulmate, not anyone else. Just her.

Soon, the argument grows louder, Taehyung being the loudest of them all. They seem to come into a decision and eventually, Jeongguk finds himself being supported by two people, he doesn't know who, and they slowly make their way towards the company parking lot. He's aware that he's being deposited in a car's backseat, but he can barely keep his eyes open as the car starts and they begin exiting the company building.

He doesn't know exactly when or how but they've somehow managed to get to Lisa's apartment complex and to her floor--a fucking miracle, really--and then the pain eases when they finally stop in front of her door which means... she's here.

Wait.

Oh God. Wait.

"Should we knock?" The person in his left says, and Jeongguk blinks blearily as his eyes adjust. The black spots have started to recede and his vision becomes clearer when he turns his head to the left. Belatedly, he realizes it's Seokjin. "Do you want to go in, Gguk-ah?"

"I don't... I don't think so." He shouldn't even be here. Lisa probably hates him now, and there's no way she would want to see him. He should just go and leave, forget this ever happened, and pretend--

"Gguk." It's Taehyung on his right, holding his arm. Jeongguk looks up to see him looking at him weirdly, an unknown emotion flitting in his eyes. "I know it's not my place to tell you what to do, but you're already here."

It's as if he's reading his mind. "Hyung, she probably hates me. I can't do it."

He can't. He really can't.

Taehyung sighs, about to convince him, when Seokjin interferes. "How about this, we'll go back to the parking lot and wait there 'til you feel fine again, but if you're not there in ten minutes, we'll go back to the company building. Is that okay?"

The two younger ones blink at him in surprise. Huh. That was actually reasonable.

"We'll wait for you, hm?" Seokjin breaks them out of their little bubble. With a small smile, he pulls Taehyung towards the elevator, "Goodluck, Jeongguk-ah. Choose what makes you happy."

When the footsteps of his hyungs disappear and all that's left is him in front of Lisa's apartment door, his anxiety maximizes. His soulmate is just at the other side of the door. All he has to do is to knock and get things over with.

He feels like he can almost hear her going out and about inside the room. She's just so close, just a hair's breadth, what would happen if he'd just open the door and--

No. No.

He can't.

Last time he saw her, he left her nothing but a broken heart. Lalisa probably doesn't want to do anything with him anymore. He'd left her right there with no explanation whatsoever. She most likely doesn't want to see him again but. But. A nagging feeling claws its way in his throat, urging him to just-- just knock on the goddamn door because whatever might be waiting for him on the other side might be worth it.

(And Lalisa is always worth it.)

So. Before he plagues his thoughts with further more fear, he knocks.

The seconds go by slowly, too slow, that his teeth starts to hurt from how much he's clenched them and his fists start to burn with how much he digs his nails into his palms and then suddenly, there's footsteps and--

She's here. She's here.

The door opens a little while later, and Jeongguk's breath nearly gets caught in his throat because Lisa is suddenly right there and she's... she's different. She's not the Lalisa he knows. It's her, but it's not her. There are prominent bags under her eyes, her face bare and sallow, and her hair is in a messy ponytail and she looks so... unlike herself.

"Um," he starts intelligently, because what else could he say? The panic rises inside him and he adds, "I. Um. Lis--"

"Get inside," she cuts him off, voice hollow. Lisa leaves him at the open door, heading to the living room where she plops down on the single chair and opens her phone. There's no greetings, no jokes, no hugs. There's none of her shrill laughter, none of her obnoxious Spotify playlist echoing around the apartment, no sweets or candies above her coffee table. It's like the apartment's empty.

Fuck.

He quickly removes his shoes and places them neatly in the little cabinet by the entrance. Slowly, he sits on the couch and makes it a point to sit as far from her as possible, just so he could avoid prolonging the awkwardness. It's too quiet, and he can hear his heart beating as it attempts to settle down.

"I, uh." He doesn't know what to say. What do you even say after you've broken someone's heart? Without any choice, he goes for the cliché. "Are you okay?"

Gods. Sometimes he just wants to bury himself alive.

Lisa sighs. She shrugs and when she replies, it's in an impassive tone. "Well. I just got my hopes up and then got dumped by the person I like so," she shakes her head, "I'm definitely not."

A pang hurts Jeongguk's chest at the reminder. "Listen, Lali, I just--"

"Are you still hurting?"

He stops and stares at her. Lisa levels him with a blank gaze. "What?"

"You came here because you're hurting, yeah? Does it still hurt?"

Jeongguk blinks and realizes that there's barely any pain anymore. Not since he'd arrived in front of her door. "Um... no, it doesn't."

"Good. I think it's time for you to leave."

The way she said it-- it's so... emotionless and so direct that it makes his head spin. This isn't his Lisa. She doesn't talk like this--she doesn't even sound like this! Jeongguk tries to meet her eyes at her, get a good look on her face to see what she's truly feeling but there's nothing there. Not even a tilt of her lips or a raise of her brow. Nothing.

Still. Seokjin hyung says that he should do what makes him happy, and from that moment on he realizes he has to make things right, just so he could get that blank look off of her face. He'd to anything to catch a glimpse of those playful eyes, or even just a tilt of her lips. So, with a nervous heart, he shakes his head. "Lali, wait, I think we have to talk about this."

She dismisses him by waving him off. "There's nothing to talk about, Jeongguk."

"Lalisa, I'm so--"