You spent the rest of the night with Nara, watching Netflix and eating random snacks that she'd bought. You didn't tell her about Jennie coming to talk to you. She probably didn't even want to hear it since she refused to talk about how you were gonna be leaving once the sun came up and that she wouldn't be working by your side anymore. It wasn't your favorite topic either, so you agreed and didn't mention anything about it up to the moment you both fell asleep.

It was hard to ignore what was happening though as Nara watched you double check all your suitcases. You didn't pack too much, but you weren't gonna come back here, so you needed to make sure you had everything.

"Are you sure I can't come with you to the airport?" Nara asked, though she knew the answer.

"You have to go with the girls," you said, like you had said repeatedly for the past thirty minutes. It was early in the morning, your flight would leave at ten and it was eight, but Nara made sure to cherish her last few moments.

"Honestly, watching you pack has made me realize that they're the last people I want to see."

"Stop," you laughed. "you can still call me whenever you want. And when they get back home you can come visit me. They're the ones who can't see me, not you."

"Speaking of that, I'm pretty sure they'd want to say bye to you."

You pursed your lips, zipping up your suitcase. You shook your head. "I don't want to make it harder for Jennie."

"Are you seriously thinking about that?" Nara scoffed, "There are other girls, you know. You work for them just as much."

"I'm not allowed to see them." You said, sighing heavily since you were tired of having to confront that truth over and over again. "I wasn't allowed to see them as soon as I walked out of that room. Lisa already said bye to me, so it's fine. I'm sure Rosé and Jisoo will live."

Nara pouted, the question of 'what about jennie?' on the tip of her tongue. Not because she wanted Jennie to speak to you, but more because she just wanted to have more time. She accepted defeat, and walked around to the other side of the bed and hugged your side. You smiled softly and moved your arm over her head to wrap around her shoulders. "If it gets too hard, I'll give you tips over the phone."

"Thanks." She mumbled.

You squeezed her one last time before pulling away and extending the handle on your luggage. "And don't lose the mics again, okay?" You teased.

"Shut up." She glared, but it held no weight. The sad look immediately returned as she walked you to the door of your hotel room. You both shared one last hug before you made your way out. You felt a small pang in your chest as you passed by the girls' room. You could hear the sounds of conversation just outside and you had to force your legs to keep moving instead of knocking on the door and saying one last goodbye.

The ride to the airport was long. You tried to not let yourself wallow in self pity, so you played random fun throwback songs that you loved. It was a mistake though, because the first song that came on when you pressed shuffle on your throwback playlist was "What the Hell" by Avril Lavigne. You mentally cursed at yourself as you already felt emotions well up in your heart at just the first ten seconds of the song.

It was one of your sweetest memories in working with the girls. Everyone had already gone home, but you had stayed a little longer because you had lost your phone and were frantically looking for it. It took you almost thirty minutes to finally find it, and you wanted to kick yourself since it was on a table that you'd passed about seven times. As you grumbled and went to leave the building, you heard "What the Hell" distantly playing upstairs. You knew it was coming from where the girls were, since their voices were accompanying it. You weren't sure why, but you walked up to see what was going on. You told yourself it was just to wish them goodnight, but you knew that wasn't the reason as you smiled warmly at the sight of them all dancing around and belting the lyrics of the song out.

Nobody else was in the building at that point, and they probably thought you weren't either, so they'd let themselves just have fun. It was so different to how they'd been while working. Well, at least Jennie had been. With Lisa, Rosé, and Jisoo, they hadn't been at this level of crazy but they were playful and cheery nonetheless. Jennie kept a straight face, focused and professional. She was always thinking about how it could be better, or what to do next. Just thinking, thinking, thinking.

But in front of you, then, she let that all go completely. It was five layers peeled back from the person you smoked with. It was Jennie at heart. You watched as she laughed happily, spinning around as Rosé held her hand high up in the air. You thought these kind of songs always encompassed who you saw Rosé as as an artist. Even then she looked like she was really in her element, going around between the three girls as if it was her performance and she was engaging with the crowd.

Your breath stopped for a second when Jisoo made eye contact with you, doing a double take once she realized it was a person she'd seen. She smiled at you as she recognized you and subtly waved her hand over to have you join them. You considered it for a moment, but one glance at Jennie being so carefree and joyful made you shake your head. Jisoo understood. She knew how Jennie was and she didn't want to take away from it either, so she sent you one last smile before you quietly walked away from the scene.

A tear falling down on your hand brought you back to the present. Maybe it was less you losing the job that upset you, because you wanted Jennie to keep what she worked years for, and instead it was more that you weren't allowed to see them. Your feelings for Jennie obviously played a part in how sad this was for you, but you lost the other three too. Moments like that when Jisoo smiled at you while the other three were oblivious to your presence, or the night before when Lisa'd hugged you and told you she didn't want to lose you, or that one time Rosé had shared a tray of sushi with you since you hadn't eaten yet... they were all small moments, but it made the loss bigger.

It almost felt like an unofficial restraining order for something that you didn't even do. But the idol life was harsh, and you'd just hoped that the girls wouldn't take it as hard as you would probably take it in the upcoming days. You hoped that even in all those sweet moments that you were going to be just another staff member they lost. Just like their friends they had to let go of in their trainee days.

Yet, you knew that wasn't the case. As you left the car and got your ticket and sat in that uncomfortable chair waiting for your flight to be called, it felt too official. Too big. You'd meant something to Jennie, and because of that, you'd meant something to them too. And— they could see their trainee friends again someday.

The hours seemed to pass by you like rain. The time for you to leave Japan and board your flight back to home in Korea nearing you like a freight train. You didn't want it to come. Even away from them, you felt like being in the same country meant you were with them still. Deep down, you'd hoped that some miracle would happen. Maybe a storm would randomly come and you'd have to return. You sighed as you looked up at the clear, blue sky.

But you'd almost gotten your wish, still.

Your eyes seemed to feel clearer as you squinted at the small figure rushing through the doors. She was looking around, her eyes the same as yours, searching for something– for someone. Your eyes suddenly widened as you recognized her. Jennie. Searching for you.

At the same moment that you recognized her, it was like some string had pulled her head in your direction, and she'd seen you. She was making her way over to you in no time. It all was happening so quickly that you didn't even know how to feel about it before she was standing in front of you.

"Jennie? What are you doing here?" You asked.

"I- I had to come." She panted, her chest heaving. You wanted to tell her to sit, but you didn't know how you felt. You weren't supposed to see her and you didn't want to jeopardize anything for either of you.

"You have to go, Jennie." You'd said, then checked the time on your phone. "Your performance is in, what, three hours?"

"I don't care about that." She immediately said, and you moved your head back in surprise. Since when did Jennie Kim not care about performance?

"What?"

"I'm sorry, y/n." She breathed out, her tone desperate and her hands fidgeting with the sides of her skirt. You gulped at the apology. You weren't sure if you wanted to hear it again, because you didn't know how strong you were. But you sat there, and when she got the feeling you were going to listen, she continued.

"I'm so sorry, and I know that you know that I am. And I know that because I know that you know me. You know me better than anyone else on the team, and the simple truth of it is that I need you." She admitted, and you let out a breath at her words. "I need you. This morning, everything was all wrong. Everyone was mad at me, I could tell, but that wasn't it. I felt... empty. Or I guess emptier than usual." You frowned at the implication of her feeling empty all the time.

"I didn't want to admit it to myself because I'm proud, and I've always been, and I'm guarded and I have so many walls up, but I knew it was because you weren't with me." She sighed. "I know that I can be cold... and I know that after everything you've done, what I did to you feels unforgivable. But I won't be like that anymore. I've struggled with being open and letting people in, and I feel so much pressure to be right because nobody has ever made me feel like I am right. But you did. You do."

"Jennie.." you started.

"Please, y/n, just come back." She begged.

"I can't." You said, standing up from your seat. "I— thank you, for everything you said. I forgave you the moment I left the room and I think you know that." Her face confirmed that she did. "But I'm not allowed to see you. Not without you losing all that you did or without me getting sent to jail. I'm sorry, Jennie, I love you—"

"Then help me!" Jennie pleaded, moving closer. "I can't do this without you!"

"It's not worth it." You said softly, your tone so contrasting to the bitter taste it left in your mouth.

Her voice matched your volume, "You don't believe that."

You shook your head, "That doesn't matter, Jennie. I can lose. I can lose, but you can't. It's not worth it for you."

"It is." She nodded, "I'm going to take you with me, and I'll threaten to quit if they don't take you back."

"No!" You protested, "Do you hear yourself? Just a few nights ago you were telling me that you can't even be kind in fear you'll lose everything. How does this make sense to you?"

Jennie's lip twitched. She didn't know what to do. She'd expected you to just agree and come with her. She didn't have a plan.

"That's right." You huffed, "It doesn't make sense. Don't throw this all away for me, especially if it's because you need my forgiveness because you have it."

She opened her mouth to say something. Then, "The 10 AM flight to Korea will be leaving in 15 minutes. Please proceed to your flight now."

The lady's voice was sweet. This time, Jennie was the one mentally cursing the girl behind the intercom.

You took a deep breath and a small step away from Jennie. You grabbed your bag and looked back at her confused face. She couldn't believe it didn't work.

"I'm sorry." You apologized, though you weren't sure you needed to. There was honestly nothing you could do.

You proceeded to walk past her, the further you went the heavier your steps felt. It felt wrong. All of it. You didn't allow yourself to look back at her, and she didn't call out for you. Maybe it was better. You wouldn't ever be able to express your feelings, and she was hard to handle, and she would forget about you and succeed. The job was tiring. You were tired. You told yourself this was relieving. Once you got on the plane you'd exhale a breath.

Then you did sit in your seat, and you figured maybe you'd exhale a breath when you got back to Korea. You thought it embarrassing to cry at all, let alone next to the stranger sitting uncomfortably (for the both of you) close to you. You considered making conversation with her. She seemed nice enough, smiling shortly at you when she first took her seat, but the second time you looked at her she'd been looking straight forward, a tight expression on her face. It reminded you too much of Jennie when she was stressed, so you decided against it.

You couldn't help but let a few tears out, though. You gripped tightly on the collar of your own shirt to try and stifle the sounds and faced the window on your right in hopes to not show that you were crying in the first place. A few whimpers broke out from your closed lips but nothing too loud. Your breathing eventually steadied, and the drowsiness you felt, much like at the hotel just the night before, helped you close your eyes and doze off.

However the flight wasn't long. Osaka was only about 2 hours away from Seoul, and you're lightly shaken awake by the woman next to you. Your eyes fluttered open and you tried to fix yourself as quick as possible, not exactly fond of someone seeing you in your just-woken-up state of glory.

She sent you a small smile, "We're here. Just thought you'd want me to wake you up."

You nodded, "Yeah, thank you."

She retracted her hand from your arm as you opened the hold and pulled your bag out from it. When you looked back, she was standing there at the edge of the aisle looking at you tentatively. She was quick to find her explanation once you questioningly met her eyes.

"Uh, sorry. I just..." she stammered out, closing her eyes and sighing before looking at you with squinted eyes. "I just heard you crying earlier.."

You could immediately feel your cheeks grow red, and your eyes flickered elsewhere in embarrassment before she spoke again.

"Look, no judgement from me, I promise." She chuckled. "But uh, maybe this is stupid because I don't know you and I don't know whatever went on, but you'll find your way."

You frowned, but you weren't necessarily sad or upset at her words. In fact, it sort of touched you that she waited to tell you that. But you weren't so sure her words were true.

You blinked, uncertain. "How do you know?"

She almost looked taken aback by the question, but she just shrugged. "I don't know, really. I just figured you were someone who didn't let yourself stay down for long." You nodded slowly. "I try and hide my emotions too.. it's not good, but I know I never let myself dwell too much in it. I stay busy."

You smiled softly. It was weirdly comforting to hear her admit the same thing. "Yeah. Thank you."

She nodded, and you both exited together. You walked the floors of the airport next to each other in silence, but when you two bid a small goodbye and turned to part ways, you remembered how troubled she had also looked.

"Uh, wait!" You'd called back for her.

She turned around, eyebrows raised in surprise.

"You too." You said. She slightly tilted her head in confusion. "Whatever's going on with you, you'll get through it. You didn't have to say what you did to me back there but you did. You're a good person. Good people get through hard things."

That same small smile she'd first given you slowly appeared on the woman's face again, then she chuckled quietly. "You come to that conclusion yourself?"

You smiled back, "My dad always told me that."

She nodded, her tongue swiping over her bottom lip. "Well, I really do hope that's true."

You both didn't waste any more time exchanging sweet promises to each other after that. You'd thought maybe you should get her name, but you two really weren't like that at all. You figured you were just too eager to have any sort of relationship with someone now that you could already feel the absence of your favorite one.

And being in Seoul again didn't take your mind off of your lack of close relationships either.

Whenever you came back here, it was usually just for a short period of time. Sometimes it would be with the girls, and sometimes it would be when everyone was on break and you all returned home like you were doing now. But even when you were returning home you kept yourself away, and often eagerly searched out someone who was willing to let you hang at their place.

So, maybe it wasn't Seoul itself. Maybe it was just your empty apartment that hurt to look at.

You twisted the doorknob, despite what your heart wished. Your eyes inspected every corner of the room. Unsurprisingly, untouched. It would be concerning if it had been, but you'd thought you almost felt disappointment at the boringness that already hit you.

It was nicely furnished, but all in all it wasn't you. Your apartment was supposed to be a physical representation of you. You often found that you could sort of figure out what a person was like, or at least what they liked, by what their apartment looked like. You'd never spent enough time in your own to ever really care though. It wasn't home, just somewhere you stopped by. Even Nara had been surprised by your lack of prized possessions, your most intimate ones being the guitar that hadn't been played in what was nearing to be a year in your room and the picture of you and your dad sitting on your drawer.

Before you knew it, your hands were picking up the framed photo, its weight feeling much heavier than it actually was. You weren't entirely sure if you felt it in your hands or in your heart. You thought maybe both as your fingers traced the photo lightly. You didn't like to dwell on his death. It only brought bad feelings. Not only did you miss him, but you hated yourself for it too, and packed with the self hate you knew welled deep inside you, you had to put the photo down and turn away from it.

As if on cue, your phone rang with a text. Sana.

'Are you okay?' it read. You almost laughed at the question.

'I don't know' you'd replied. 'Being back here has never been fun for me.'

Her response was immediate, like she knew you were going to say that. 'I know. I wish I was there to make it happier.'

You smiled softly. 'Maybe I'll just think of our childhood memories here'

'Yes!' She replied. 'I do have to go baby, but I wanted to check on you. Please call me tonight. I love you!'