There's an update before this!

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every other day i have to work with him.

Act professional, act unaffected, act like you're so unbothered. When every time he talks, I melt, every time he touches me, i want to lean into him, every time i see him i want to jump into his arms.

I sigh getting out of the car, Jerry and my guards in co.

I don't know if I'm both happy or sad that Nikolai isn't here yet.

But he isn't here yet so that much is stuck in my head.

I barely pay attention to what Jerry is saying, i make a lame excuse and make a Jagged line out of there just wanting to be alone.

I grab drink and coffee in my large customized togo cup. I've been walking around with a heavy bruised heart, a straight back and a fake smile it's exhausting.

God Nikolai Udinov! Just....

Someone drags me intto a room.

I'll know that touch even if i die. I struggle against him, clutching my cup tight. His hands covers my mouth as I'm about to scream so i bite him.

"Ow fûck woman! What the fûck!"

He looks so fücking good! All black, and those black coats.

He moves me and presses me hard against the door, i smash my glass togo cup against his head, but not hard enough then i drain the cup and start to head out as he releases me.

"Foxie, stop wait" He drags me back in, press me yet against the door, frames my face and forces me to look at him.

And it's just so painful, being this close to him, breathing his scent, feeling his touch and looking into those eyes getting pulled in and so lost again.

All of these is making everything worse, making my helpless needs increase, so that it burns like moon crest in my chest and hurts for the whole world to still not care

I want so bad to lean against him, while he hold me and promise he'll try for me, even though its so strange and new to him.

But he won't

I'm sucked into that stupid cloud as he we just stare at each other. That poisonous one that is also, so fuvking sweet it hurts.

I blink breaking the gaze, yet the electricity still swirls and swirls in my body from the proximity.

"What is it! What do you want?"

He breathes in my face, warming my cheek. He smells like sea, berries and his rich essence. It congest me.

"I just had to see you, without plotting way to make an excuse to touch you" He tilts my face up to his, his eyes raking over my face as if putting each an every detail to his memory to reframe it.

"You shouldn't. You have to stop" I whisper breathing harshly, even breathing around him hurts fûck!

"I can't! I've tried so hard Foxie, i have. This isn't easy for me too" His voice cracks and it makes me want to slap him. "I want you, you know that. You do Foxie"

"But it's useless isn't it? Because our wants are so different and so difficult. We're only hurting each other so just stop"

"I DONT KNOW HOW!" He yells in my face but presses his lips softly to my mine, making my heart freeze yet, elevate. Fire crackles from the soft touch and goosebumps cover my face. " Fuvk I don't even wanna know how"

Tear pool in my eyes. Because all of this is only making me hurt more. It just keep hurting and hurting like an army of an ardor funeral

"I hate you!" I whisper the tears falling

He nods breathing hard, bitting his lips and i see the hurt in his eyes. He brushes my hair back, his thumb stroking my tears " You should" He agreeds

"I hate you so so much! I can't..,"

"I know baby fuvk i do Foxie"

"Then stop!" I yell, pushing at his chest hard so his hand can leave my face. My throat choking up with tears " Stop everything, the torture, the words, the fücking virtual promises stop! You can't keep doing this! It hurts it only hurts and it hurts too much. I'm tired of hurting because of you, falling for you. I hate it so much so STOP, you...,!"

He catches my hand this time from pushing at his chest, cups my chin, slamming my body against his then kisses me hard.

I curl against him. Feelings so drunk yet unresponsive. I feel my tears dropping down my check and my heart begging me to give in.

He plunges his tongue in my mouth making me respond to his demands.

I'm so full of him, those starflames and electric bolt consumes me. I feel like I'm floating on top of a tornado.

My body begging for more.

It's been so long, so fuvking long so he taste like a new euphoria. It consumes me.

I moan into his mouth, when i feel him tilt his head change the angle of the kiss. His hands roam my body, moving to my ass and hoisting me up. I feel his bulge in my center and I moan again rocking against him.

He press my back against the door, his mouth leaving a trail of kisses down my throat. I feel his hand loosen the knot infront of the dress and tug the zip

"Plsss Foxie, please just let me" He breathe roughly before cover my now exposed breast with his mouth.

I arch like a bow, my moan so fuvking loud and i clutch a handful of his hair withering.

He bit lightly on my nipples then soothes it with his tongue making my body start shaking hard.

I feel those starflames in my head burning any logic and rationality. My body pulsing with need.

His hand makes it way, down my stomach to my pussy, his two fingers strokes on my wet folds, and rub me through the material.

Maybes because it's been so long, or because it him but i climax from the contact bucking against him making my whole face flame.

"That's good baby, let me make you feel so fuvking good."

"Nikolai" I pant.

"I miss you Foxie, so fücking much it hard to breathe without you. And fuck i love your püssy" He says, shifting my panties and thrusting two fingers inside of my sleek wet heat.

Making my body lurch upward from the intrusion. My head start twirling in a tsunami of emotions, engulfing me and staggering me.

My stomach muscles clench, and heat breaks out on my skin.

His covers my other breast, sucking it roughly and feasting like a starved man. He moans against my breast making it bounce off into my body, and throbing my clit.

"More please" I moan out with each thrust. And it's like my demand turn him on more as he groans against my breast .

His thumb rubs on my clit, his fingers going faster inside of me, and i pant with each thrust.

Tugging on his hair and throwing my head back against the door, pressing his head to my breast for more

That heat spreads and spreads, down my stomach to my clït.

This feels good, this feels so fücking good.

He pulls his mouth away from my breast with a pop. His fingers curve inside of me making my mouth drop open.

But he swallows my moans with his mouth, making my breath rush out harshly through my nose.

I buck hard, my legs and whole body shaking as i reach that cloud.

I breathe hard, keeping my eyes closed and not saying a word. Our harsh breathe fills the room and the smell our scent.

I can't keep myself up and i feel this heavy need to sleep.

Our heavy panting slows.

"Foxie" He says wrecking havoc

" Can you put me down" I say tiredly.

He does, i lean against the door avoiding eyes contact and start to fix my dress, my hands shaking.

"Can you say something" He say in a steady yet authoritative voice. He moves closer making me hyper aware and helps me fix my dress.

I move away from him when he's done, rubbing my hands on my face. My head is still spinning of what i just let happen

"And say what exactly?" I finally meet his gaze, and it hurts. My throat feels so tight and dry. There those those tiny nips in my body, those voices in my head reminding me of my downfall.

The cause of it

Him!

He'll end me! I'll hate him for it.

I hate him for making me like this.

I hate how his eyes tempt me to go into his arms, and beg me to just give him whatever he can give. Even if its just sex.

God i hate this! Especially him!

And I falling for it, for him!

"Lets just talk about this like adults Foxie, and please stop looking at me like that, I'm not a monster at least not to you"

"Nikolai" I shake my head, trying to think of what to do.

"Stop fücking calling me that!"

"What?" I ask bewildered

"Foxie," He sigh shaking his head "let me fix this, just please let's try and make this work"

I nod, bitting my lip "You mean being your fûck buddy" I gesture carelessly that the thought doesn't hurt.

"It's not that bad, it's not as bad as you make it seem"

"I will not be your personal whore, call it what you want its just a ribbon on personal prostitute. And it's completely okay if we both want it, we are both adults but I don't want that!" I can hear the fire in my dry throat, I breathe hard wanting to be calm.

"It'll be different with us"

"Really tell me how? Tell me, I really want to know how you'll sweeten friends with benefits no string attached to sound okay to me"

"You and i Foxie, it won't be just fücking."

"If it's not a relationship, and we have to be together without a label. Then all you're going to archive is making me fall in love with you only to suffer. I will not do that to myself. I can't make that sacrifice, even for you, you Nikolai, you're not worth it"

I watch his mouth fall open, the hurt doesn't flash in his eyes, spread and blooms, so much that it hurts me.

He turns away from me, running his hand through his hair.

His body is so tensed and rigid, i want to go to him and hug him but I don't

"You're right" he rasp

I nod like he can see me. It hurts that i can hear his own hurt too.

"You can't ever fall inlove with me" He says with such culminations turning to me. He looks like he has escaped into himself "You can't, I'm incapable of loving someone or being loved! That kind of shït doesn't exist in my world. You can't fall inlove with me neither can i or ever will!"

I sigh swallowing, with my tears dropping.

I blink a few times, because everything he just said crumbled me. It like i was dumped into pool of ice, and that flame from hell with nothing else to it but havoc spread inside of me to burn my heart.

It hurts! It hurts so fücking much!

His words, and seeing like that. His demons fighting in his eyes and darkening it. He look like all his has ever known is his demons and nothing more.

And it hurt because I don't know how to help him because I'm hurting too.

I guess both out demons rule.

There's nothing more to it that but this blowout to our hurts and the celebration of our demons