"Merry Christmas!" My mom smiled when I walked down the stairs.

I forced a smile on my face and sat down next to my brother.

"Merry Christmas mom." I said accepting the already made hot chocolate waiting for me.

I had a permanent frown on my face. Christmas was supposed to be a happy time spent with family but my father was away on what he said was business. I don't know what I expected but I just wanted my family to be together.

I followed my brother and my mom into the living room as we all got comfortable on the couches. We had a routine that we did every Christmas, my mom would turn old Christmas movies on the television as we exchanged gifts.

When the opening scene of a Christmas story came on the buzzer for the oven went off.

"The cinnamon rolls!" My mom jumped out of her seat and ran off to the kitchen.

"You ok?" My brother looked over at me.

I conjured up another fake smile.

"Yeah."

"Ella," he trailed off when my mom bounced back into the room.

"These smell delicious mom." I said grabbing one and placing it on my plate.

I could feel my brother's gaze on me but ignored it. I wanted to pretend that everything was ok, just for a day.

—

After we exchanged gifts I made my way up to my room.

I just wanted to be alone for awhile. I didn't want to bring down everyone else's day but it was hard to pretend to be happy.

"Ella," my brother knocked on my door.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok?" He asked stepping into my room.

"I'm fine." I told him.

I think we both knew I was lying but what was I supposed to say? Things were still kinda awkward between me and my brother and our relationship was rocky at best. I knew he felt like he needed to check up on me since no one else will but we weren't really at a place where I'd ever pour my heart out to him.

"You know dad's absence doesn't just effect you. We are all finding this year to be difficult."

Of course I knew that. My mom was barely holding the herself together. I could tell the second he announced he had important business in the city this year that her heart was shattered. I watched her face fall when he dropped the bomb. I think my mom held out hope that somehow one day they would both wake up and their relationship would be magically fixed. I wished I could just shake some sense into her but I didn't have the heart to watch her fall apart even more.

"He had business, he'd be here if he could." It was an easy lie that I think everyone was just choosing to believe.

"Merry Christmas Ella." He gave me a small smile before leaving me alone in my room.

I needed to escape but I had nowhere to go. I knew I couldn't actually leave my house, I couldn't let my family be without another member.

I sat down at my piano and let my fingers guide me through the beginning of the song I had been trying to master for the past few days.

"Somebody said you got a new friend,

But does she love you better than I can?

There's a big black sky over my town

I know where you're at, I bet she's around

And yeah I know it's stupid,

But I just got to see it for myself."

I let the words pour out of my mouth. I think about all the pain I have felt. The pain that stemmed from the fight with Trevor and the pain that is a result of the empty chair at the table downstairs.

"I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her,

I'm right over here, why can't you see me,

And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home,

I keep dancing on my own

I just want to dance all night

And I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line

Stilettos and broken bottles

I'm spinning around in circles

And I'm in the corner watching you kiss her

I'm right over here, why can't you see me

And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home

I keep dancing on my own."

I throw every ounce of emotion I have into this song. I let myself get lost in the lyrics and just lose myself. I wanted to forget everything even if it is for only a couple minutes.

"So far away but still so near

The lights come up, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here

I just came to say goodbye

I'm in the corner watching you kiss her

And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home

And I keep dancing on my own.

I'm in the corner watching you kiss her

I'm right over here, why can't you see me?

I'm giving it my all but i'm not the guy you are taking home

I keep dancing on my own

So far away but still so near

The lights come up, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here."

I let my hands finish the song. I felt better but worse at the same time. Music was always the best release for me but now that it's over my reality came rushing back. I thought back to the talent shows I used to sing at and looking out into the crowd to see both of my parents there ready to cheer me up.

I remember the first time I stepped out on to the small stage of my elementary school in fifth grade. I was a nervous wreck, I thought all the kids were going to laugh at me. My father came and sat with me, he told me that if any of the kids wanted to laugh at me they'd have to deal with him. I remember I laughed thinking about the image of my tall father telling off a bunch of ten year olds.

Those were the memories that warmed my heart but also broke me apart at the same time. I longed for these days, the days that my parents could actually be in the same room together.

Maybe one day things would be better.