Christine

Katia hasn't so much as looked at me all class. I can't blame her. I wouldn't want to look at me either. What I did was reckless and wrong. It was stupid and I wish I could take it back. Erase it. I know I can't but I can't take her being mad at me.

I don't even know what came over me. I don't want Beverly back. I know that now and I knew it before I kissed her. So why did I do it?

Maybe because I wanted her to be Katia. I wanted to be with her but I couldn't. She was with her friends and I was with Beverly. Someone, I have to hide her from.

I'm supposed to be Katia's lover and protector but I've failed. Here I was thinking our undoing would be an outside source, something beyond my control but no. It was me. The irony. My worst fear manifested through my own actions.

I feel horribly. I didn't sleep at all last night. I haven't been able to eat a bite today. It feels like I'm trying to breathe with broken ribs.

I've been watching her more intently than usual. Hoping for a glance, a nod, something that shows she's acknowledging my presence but nothing. I'd rather her glare or yell at me. Tell me how much she hates me. Her face has been void of any emotion this entire time.

Class ends and she's kneeling by her bag, struggling with the zipper. It always gets stuck. I've told her at least a hundred times that she needed a new bag but she insists on keeping that one. She gets frustrated and throws her shoes to the ground.

"Damn girl. Relax." Samantha says.

Katia smooths her hair back and sighs.

Samantha gives the zipper a yank and gets it to work properly again.

Katia gives her a small smile. "Thanks Sam."

"No problem." Samantha says standing back up.

"Sam!" Another girl calls from the doorway. "Guess what??"

Samantha can barely stop herself from salivating at the idea of new gossip. She doesn't even say bye to Katia before she leaves with her chatty friend. The door closing behind her.

Katia and I are alone now. She's just sitting on the floor with her knees pulled to her chest. Still, she isn't looking at me. Minutes pass one after the other. She finally gets up and leaves without a word.

I hit my desk out of frustration. I really fucked up. I grab my phone and order a slew of flowers to be delivered to her apartment. I know it won't fix much but she'll know I'm thinking of her.

I start working on my lesson plans for next week.

Right on time Olivia marches through the door.

"Please don't look at me like that." I lean my forehead against the palm of my hand.

"What the hell, Chris?" She says dropping her bag to the floor.

"I know. I know. I am the worst."

"You're worst than the worst." Olivia says.

I stare at her.

"Why would you-"

"I don't know, Olivia."

"You really fucked up." She says sternly.

"I know."

She sighs and shakes her head. "She's so mad at you."

"I know!"

"I'm mad at you too."

"I'm sure." I say. I'd feel the same if someone hurt Lindsey.

Liv's eyes soften. "But... how are you holding up?"

"I'll be better when she's ready to talk to me."

"Well maybe she'll feel better after her date tonight." Liv shrugs.

My heart stops. "Excuse me?"

"Her date tonight."

A date?? Already!? With who?

Liv smirks. "I'm joking."

"That wasn't funny." I say rolling my eyes. I turn the music on.

"That's for making her cry." Liv says.

I take a deep breath and try not to picture Katia weeping because of me.

"You try to lead today." I say changing the subject.

"Eh. Okay."

She's isn't doing as bad as yesterday but we still have a ways to go. I let my mind drift to thoughts of Katia. God, I miss her so much already.

____________________________________

Katia

"Okay wait. So this Beverly bitch is her ex?" Kandace asks.

"Yeah."

After I left dance class I went home and laid down but then there was a knock at the door. Three or four delivery guys came waltzing in carrying vases of vibrant red roses. Which would've been beautiful any other day but I didn't want them. I didn't want to see them. They're just reminders of her infidelity. The card was sweet though. It read: "there aren't enough petals to count how many times I've thought of you today."

"I don't get it. Why would she even go over there? Why would you even let her work with her?"

"We don't 'let' each other do anything, Kandace. I trust her...or... at least I did."

"Do you want me to beat her up? Because I definitely will."

"Chris or Beverly?" I ask.

"Either. Both."

I laugh. "No."

"God this sucks so much." Kandace says. "Did you break up with her?"

"No." I bite my nails. "Do you think I should?"

Kandace moves my hands from my mouth. "Stop that. That's up to you. I uh... cheated on Clay once."

"You did??"

She nods. "I didn't think our relationship was going to last anyway."

"Why not?" I ask.

"He had only been in serious relationships with cis women. We met at Frisks. He reminded me of guys from my past that just wanted a thrill or something. I was scared and I reacted the only way I really knew how. I just pushed him away. He was heartbroken. It sounds stupid now but I didn't think it would hurt him so much. Fortunately he forgave me and I haven't cheated on him since. He could have broken up with me and never spoken to me again. Nobody would blame him but he took me back because he wanted to."

"So you think I should take her back?" I ask.

"No. I'm saying it's up to you. Either way no one is going to think you did the wrong thing. It's about how you feel. What does Kat want?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I want it to never had happened."

"Well that's not an option." She says placing her feet in my lap. I look at the bottom of her foot for the scar from one of our family vacations to the lake.

"It's on this one." She wiggles her left foot.

"How did you know I was looking for that?" I ask.

"You were always fascinated by that for some reason."

"Because there's a piece of a fishing hook in your foot!" I exclaim.

She laughs. "Kaden! Grab me a beer and sit your ass down!" She mocks dad.

I laugh.

"I didn't even want to go on that stupid trip. You were the one that asked to go. I wanted to stay home with mom and help with the bake sale." She says.

"Remember we came back with your foot wrapped and you told everyone at school you got bit by a baby shark?"

We both start laughing. She looks at the clock on the wall and rolls her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Clay has a dinner thing tonight with some of colleagues and he wants me to come. I hate his colleagues. So does he honestly."

"So why are you guys going?" I ask.

"It would look bad not to go or whatever he says."

"C-can I ask you something, Kandace?"

"Yes."

"Do you tell people that you're trans?" I ask.

"Not really."

"Why?"

"Why does it matter?" She asks.

"I guess it doesn't. You know, if I didn't know I don't think it's something I'd assume. You look like a re-"

"What you're about to say is very offensive." She says.

"Oh fuck. No. I didn't mean it like that."

"Yeah I know but just don't say it. Like...ever. To me or anyone else."

"I'm sorry, Kandace."

She smiles at me. "I know."

"You know I love you right?"

"Yeah yeah. I know. I love you too. Don't get all mushy on me."

I chuckle. My phone rings.

"Who is that?" Kandace asks.

"Chris."

"Hand it over." She holds her hand out.

"No." I say.

Kandace lunges forward and grabs my phone. I suddenly feel ten again, fighting over the remote. She wins, historically correct.

"Kandace!" I shout.

She laughs. "Hello?"

I make a face at her. She pushes my face away.

"Put it on speaker." I whisper.

She does.

"Hello?" Chris says again.

"Hi Chris." Kandace says.

"Who's this?" She asks.

"My feelings are hurt. I thought we got along pretty well." Kandace says dramatically.

Chris chuckles. "Kandace. Hi."

"What did you do to my sister Chris?"

She sighs. "I have a feeling you already know. Can I speak to her please?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"What you're going to say." Kandace says.

"I just need to talk to her." Chris sighs. "I just need to hear her voice."

Kandace looks at me and I shake my head no.

"She said no." Kandace says.

I roll my eyes and take the phone. "Hello?" I answer.

"Katia. Hi."

"Hi."

Kandace leaves the room to give me privacy I guess.

"Do you think you can come over so we can talk?" She asks.

I don't say anything.

"Or I can come to your place. I just.. I can't take you not speaking to me." Her voice is tiny.

"I'm not ready." I say quietly. It's such an odd feeling to be unfamiliar with someone who knows you inside and out. I feel like I don't who she is. My Christine wouldn't have did what she did.

I think I hear her sniffle but I can't be sure. She clears her throat. "I understand."

We sit on the phone in silence for a while before she speaks again.

"When you're ready to talk, I'll be here. Doesn't matter where or when, I'll be ready."

"Okay."

More silence.

I want to scream "why?" I want to tell her my heart is aching and I can't get her off my mind. I want her to know how much I hate what she did. The only one I want to console me is the one who hurt me. I want her to know how unfair this is but all I can manage is silence.

"I love you." She says.

"I-" I pause, "I know."

Silence.

She exhales. "Okay."

We hang up and Kandace peeks into the room. Tears are stinging my eyes. She comes and cradles my head. She lets me sob on her shoulder.

_____________________________________

I've had my heart broken before but never quite like this. This is empty and lonely. Hollow. I'm tired from constantly catching my breath. My eyes are sore from crying. I keep thinking maybe I'll wake and this would have been some sort of nightmare. I play with the necklace around my neck, my collar, and stare out the window of my bedroom.

It's Saturday and Liv is out with Leah. I had to practically push her out of the house. She's so worried about me. Kandace is busy. I feel so alone I even called my dad. He didn't answer, thankfully. We would have probably ended up in an argument. I haven't spoken to Chris since our phone conversation. It sucks. That was two days ago and my heartbeat hasn't been right since. I thought I knew sadness, but this is a fresh hell. I just want my Mama. I wish I could physically separate her from Chris.

Speak of the devil. My phone vibrates. A picture of her sleeping lights the screen as it rings and all the pieces of my shattered heart tremble.

Come on heart, do we want her or not? I'm getting confused.

"Hi." I answer.

"Hi." She says.

Evelyn says I need to clearly communicate the ways she hurt me. She says it's dangerous to hold it all in. That it's important that Chris understands how I feel and what I'm thinking. I shouldn't internalize it.

"I don't know why I'm calling. You said you'd talk to me when you were ready. I'm not rushing you. I just.. I don't know what I'm doing."

I press the phone closer to my face, pretending the warmth is from her hand. It's warm but it's not the same.

"Can you tell me if you've been eating or not at least? I've been worried." She says. Her voice low as if she's afraid it'll break if she speaks any louder.

"I have." I answer.

"That's good."

I press the pencil against my desk. I push it so hard the point breaks and the wood begins to chip. "I miss you." I murmur. The moment it leaves my lips I wish it didn't.

"I miss you more." She wasn't expecting to hear that. I can hear the surprise in her voice.

"Are you doing anything today?" I ask.

"No. Not at all." She says quickly.

"Is it okay if I come over?"

"Yes. Should I send Liz? Do you want me to come get you?" She asks.

"No. I'll just order a cab or something."

"Okay."

"Okay. I'll see you soon."

When I get to her house she's sitting on the steps. Her hair is freely falling over her shoulders. She's dressed ... differently. I'm not sure I've ever seen her so leisurely dressed outside of bed time. She looks different, new. I'm not sure what it is. Sadness maybe. Guilt.

"Hi." She smiles weakly. "Thanks for coming."

"Yeah. Sure." I sit on the step beside her.

We both stare out into the garden. She keeps the landscaping immaculate. There's a butterfly fluttering nearby, circling a flower. I wish we could trade places.

"I uh... don't really know where to start." I say still staring straight ahead. I had a monologue prepared in my head but now none of the words seem right.

"Just say what you feel." Chris says.

"Betrayed." It's the first word that comes to mind. "Confused. Hurt. Shocked. Sad. Alone. My heart aches. I can't close my eyes without seeing you and her together. I hate it."

She exhales. "You don't know how much I wish I could take it back, Katia."

"Is that what you were doing when I called that night? Did I interrupt whatever you two had going on?" I ask.

She doesn't say anything.

I turn my attention away from the garden and to her. "Well?"

"Yeah... yes."

I scoff. "Would you have stopped if I didn't call?"

"Yes."

"How can you be sure?"

She looks at me. "I wouldn't have done that."

"You say that now but before you went over there you probably didn't think you would've went as far as you did."

She looks away from me.

"Are you sure you don't want her back?" I ask.

"I'm positive. I only want you." She looks at me again.

I want to believe her but I can't.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask.

"Of course."

"What if after you told me you trusted me I told you that I made out with Liv and let her take off my clothes. If I said basically the only thing that stopped her from fucking me was you calling, how would you feel?"

Her face gives me an answer before she does. She can't even stand the thought of someone else touching me without her permission.

"Would you forgive me? Would you be able to trust me again? Or would your mind wander back to that every time you saw me or her? Every minute we're not together, would you be worried I was doing it again?" I ask. There are tears rolling down my cheeks now because I have my answer. I know that I don't trust her. I know that building a relationship without trust will always fail but I don't want to walk away from this. I don't want to be without her.

She hangs her head and sniffles. "I get it." She says.

"I hate what you've done. It's not fair!" I say more loudly than I intended. My chest rises and falls quickly and I begin to sob. Big heavy wet tears fall from my eyes and there's no stopping them. My heart begins to ache again and I just want to disappear. She drapes her arm around me but I shrug it off. "Don't touch me." I growl in the midst of my tears. I cry harder and again she puts her arm around me. I don't fight it this time. I want it there. I wanted it there the first time but it's just not fair. She shouldn't get to be poison and antidote.

My curse and redemption all wrapped into one beautiful hazel eyed Devil.

____________________________________

It's been almost two weeks since that day on Christine's steps. After I finished crying my eyes out we talked about us and we (reluctantly) decided to give each other space. It's been hard. I've cried at least once a day since. If I'm not in class then I'm here, in bed with the blanket pulled over my head. I just want to be as alone as I feel. I don't know what isolation is supposed to do but it feels better than putting on a brave or happy face and being around people. The show for Mr Matchels is tonight. Part of me wants to barf when I think about going the other half really wants to see Chris dance.

My room door opens and I assume it's Liv. She been popping in all week making sure I'm alive. Leaving me food. I feel like a little pet mouse.

"Hell no."

That's not Liv's voice.

The blanket gets torn away from my body. It's cold and the light in my room seems a lot brighter. A furrowed brow Kandace stands at the foot of my bed.

I groan. "Please."

"Kat. You're not doing this. It sucks. I know but get up baby."

"I can't," I whine.

"I don't want to hear it." Kandace says looking through my closet.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"Liv told me you've been locking yourself in your room crying about what's her name."

"Christine." I say sadly, tears on the verge of falling.

Kandace turns around and looks at me. She makes a tsk sound. She picks out a red shirt. "I look good in red so you must look good in it too. Then again I look good in anything." She throws the shirt on the bed.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"Trying to find you something to wear. It's Friday, we're young, and we're going out."

"I can't."

"You can and you are." She digs deep into my closet and pulls out a mini skirt. I haven't seen that in a year or so.

"I don't know if I can fit that." I say from the fetal position I've been lying in this entire time.

"Well get up and try it on."

She's not going to leave. I might as well comply. I get up and take my shorts off and pull the skirt on. Oh, it does fit. Looks pretty good on me too.

Kandace double takes at me.

"What?" I ask.

She turns back to the clothes in my closet. "Nothing."

"No. What?" I ask.

"You two have been broken up for weeks. When are you going to take that off?" She motions to her neck which makes me grab mine.

"We didn't break up. We're just giving each other space. Anyway, it's only been two weeks." I say.

"What does space even mean?" She asks.

"Honestly Kandace, I don't know."

She reads my face and can see how sad I am. She sighs. "Fine. Keep the collar but I'm getting you drunk tonight and you're staying with me this weekend." She declares.

"What? No. I can't."

"Sure you can. Clay's on a business trip, you're not doing anything. It'll be fun."

"No. The show is tonight. Chris is dancing. I don't want to miss it."

"Isn't the woman she cheated on you with hosting the event? Why put yourself through that, Kat?"

"Because... I'm a masochist."

She laughs. "Clearly, but find a healthier way to get your sick kicks. Going to that show is not the way."

I sigh. She's right. I already knew that but I guess I just needed to hear it. "Okay. I'll stay with you." Maybe this will help me get my mind off of Chris.

Kandace squeals. "Yay!"

She packs my suitcase for me and I tell Liv bye. We hop in her car and hit the road back to her place.

____________________________________

Christine