I've actually dropped a few tears writing the last few chapters, why did I do this to myself?

Like + Comment plsssss 😘

I watched Sinai's chest move up and down slowly, like she was in a deep sleep. The beeps from various machines filled the room. My eyes haven't left her the entire night; I'm waiting for her to open her eyes before I can rest. A nurse was checking her vitals and changing her IV drip.

"Mom you can have a rest, I will keep an eye on her," The nurse said to me. I guess she could see the tiredness in my eyes.

I shook my head, "I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up,"

The nurse looked at me with sympathetic eyes but nodded. Her eyes drifted to Saint asleep in my arms,

"He's so tiny, how old is he?" She asked me.

"He's 4 months but he was premature," I said looking down at him,

"He is adorable, can't wait to have mine," She smiled brightly. It was only then that I realised she was pregnant, "Did you have a natural birth?"

"For him yes, but for his brother and sister, I had a C-section,"

"Wow twins, you look so young! Are they identical?" She said fixing Sinai's pillow.

"He, erm, he didn't make it," I said lowly, my mind drifting off to Ameer. I wonder how he would have looked, would he look like me or his dad? Those were questions that I would never receive the answer to.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know," The nurse said with a sad look,

"It's okay, how would you know?" I said shaking my head. "How many months are you?" I asked changing the subject.

"I'm 5 months," She smiled proudly, rubbing her stomach. There was something about her that was so familiar but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe because she was Sinai's nurse and I saw her everyday.

"That's when I had this one," I smiled, "He just couldn't wait to see me," I joked shifting him in my arms.

The nurse laughed and continued her checks on Sinai. It felt nice to interact with someone other than a baby. I had no idea where Amir was; he left 2 nights ago after we got into it about his mom. He left without telling me and I haven't heard from him since then.

The door opened and Bri walked in with a Chick fil a bag. She smiled lightly at me and set the stuff down,

"Hey girly," She leaned down to hug me,

"Hi Bri," I said hugging her back tightly. Through all of this Bri had really been a great friend during this time, I've spoken to her more than I have Taina – who I think has been avoiding me for whatever reason.

"How is she?" She asked taking a seat next to me,

I shrugged, "I'm waiting for an update, I feel like I'm going mad Bri,"

"She's gonna pull through Naala, I know it," She smiled at me, "I brought you something to eat because I know you,"

I took the bag from her hand, "I'm not hungry Brianna," I mumbled.

"Lala," She sighed. "When was the last time you ate?"

I sat thinking for a moment, "Exactly," She responded, "Eat it,"

I sighed and opened the bag, the smell of the food made me want to gag. I closed the bag and set it down, "Can you hold him, I need the bathroom," I could feel the bile rising up my throat but I didn't want her to realise.

"Sure," She nodded. I got up hastily and left the room, heading to the restroom. As I pushed the door open, I caught a glimpse of Sinai's nurse having what looked like a very heated conversation with a man. I couldn't see who it was but it didn't look pretty.

When I got to the toilet, the nauseous feeling passed, it was probably the smell of the food, especially because I haven't eaten.

I used the restroom and then left. The nurse was no longer standing there and neither was the man she was speaking with. I pushed open Sinai's door and breathed a sigh of relief when she was still in the same position, I didn't want her to wake up and not see me.

"Better?" Bri said popping her head up from her phone. Saint was now awake and staring at me with his hand in his mouth.

I smiled and nodded, "Has she moved or anything?" I picked Saint up and took his hand out of his mouth, replacing it with a teething toy.

Bri shook her head sadly, "Still the same, but Patchy did call you,"

I rolled my eye at the mention of Amir, "I don't care," I said sitting back by Sinai's bed side and moving one of her curls out of her face.

"Y'all are still fighting?"

"He left Bri, didn't say a word just left. Our daughter is fighting for her life and he thinks now is the best time to catch an attitude."

"This isn't the time for y'all to be arguing at all, what was it even about?"

"His mom thinks she should be allowed up here but I said no. I don't need that bad energy around me,"

"I don't blame you, all the Brewster women are negative as hell. Tell me why Tonya is trying to claim I punched her at Senior's funeral"

I squeezed my face up and turned to face her, "That lady is seriously delusional,"

"Like she's crazy. Sometimes I wish the crack would have killed her,"

I gasped laughing, "Brianna hell is hot you know,"

"Luckily I'm hot ass bitch," She said flipping her hair over her shoulder. Saint started wriggling in my arms and getting ready to fuss,

"It's like anytime I'm having any source of joy, this boy remembers he's hungry," I said fixing him in my arms.

I pulled down my tank top and started to feed him. "Woah, I look up and all I see is titty." Bri said watching me.

"Leave me alone," I giggled. I glanced at Sinai and my smile dropped, Brianna caught my expression.

"She's gonna wake up Lala," She said rubbing my arm. I sniffed and looked up to the ceiling, attempting to not let the tears fall,

"I'm so scared Bri. I want her to wake up but I don't want her to have to live through what happened to her." I said emotionally, "That kind of thing messes you up for life, I at least experienced it at an older age, but she's just a baby"

Bri moved closer to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, allowing to continue speaking. "He's stripped my baby of her innocence. I let him abuse me for years but now–" I said before breaking down.

"He is a sick man and he will get what's coming to him." Bri replied holding me tighter.

"I know Amir is trying to find him but I need him right now so much and he just left me," I cried harder.

"Lala can I tell you the truth?" She said to me. I sniffed and wiped my face, "Have you stopped to think how much this must be fucking with him? Imagine having to hear that your 5 year old daughter was raped?"

"But it's hurting me as well, why can't he speak to me rather than pushing me away?"

"Everyone deals with things differently La, when he comes back y'all need to sit down and speak properly."

I nodded and looked down at Saint who stared right back at me, "I'm too messed up to be a mom,"

"Stop beating yourself up, you're still learning. No one is perfect," Just as she said that, a doctor walked in with Amir following close behind him.

"Hi, so I was just speaking to your husband and we've decided how to move forward," The doctor said looking at me. I wiped my face and lifted Saint onto my shoulder, rubbing his back slightly.

Bri got up and took her bag, "Eat the food, I'll be back later," She said with a small smile. She hugged Amir before leaving the room.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked, avoiding Amir's stare.

The doctor nodded, "We are going to attempt to wake her up. The brain activity we found was astonishing and we would like to see how she gets on, but there are some risks"

"That sounds like good news," I said with a smile.

The doctor chuckled, "It is the best news that I've been able to give you guys, but I want you to know the risks. If we wake her up and she doesn't respond to anything then that means she will be officially be brain dead,"

My heart dropped, Amir cleared his throat, "So that means she would be dead?"

"Scientifically yes,"

I shook my head, "We're not doing that,"

"Naala." Amir said, I looked at him for the first time since he came in and my face softened,

"I don't want them to do it if she can die,"

"You can't make that decision on your own. I want to do it, we've discussed the likelihood of that occurring and its not likely," Amir said stepping closer to me.

I backed up and bounced Saint lightly, "I don't want to do it." I snapped.

Amir huffed and turned to the doctor, "Can you give us a second?" He asked.

"Of course, I know this is a hard decision but I wouldn't suggest it if it wasn't in her best interest,"

I nodded and watched him leave the room. "You can't turn up after being gone for 2 days and try and tell me what's best for her,"

"I needed some time to think," He replied, "I called you every day and you didn't pick up,"

"Because why the hell would I?" I shouted,

"Naala I ain't here to argue with you, just let them do the procedure,"

"So if she dies what happens? You're gonna leave for 2 months this time? You can't just run away when things get tough Amir,"

"Stop trying to argue with Naala for real. I'm not playing with you,"

I scoffed and moved closer to him, "What are you gonna do?"

"You really about to try and hit me while you carrying my son? Man give me my son," He said mugging me and reaching for Saint. Saint happily went into his arms – what a traitor.

Her nurse walked into the room, "Just checking in on her," She smiled. I gave her light smile and turned my attention back to Amir,

"Step outside Naala," He said to me.

I rolled my eyes and pushed Saint's stroller out of the room with us.

"I'm about to take him to see my mom," He spoke, I looked at him like he was crazy because he definitely had me fucked up.

"I see you're back on crack," I chuckled lowly, "I've told you a million times, I don't want your mom around my kids,"

"I don't care,"

"Bet give me my son," I said holding my arms out to take him back, he moved back and held onto Saint tighter.

"Amir I really don't want to get loud out here, give him to me,"

"You're doing too much, I have a right to take him where I want," Amir said with a rude expression,

"You don't!" I snapped, "He's my son so hand him to me now before I call security,"

"You're gonna call security on me?" He asked, is he deaf or something?

"Yes!" I looked behind me and saw Mateo guarding Sinai's door. "Mateo tell him to give my son,"

"He works for me Lala so you're wasting your time,"

"Are you really doing this right now? Sinai is in there dying," My voice broke, "Why are you doing this?"

He sighed and put Saint in his stroller. After strapping him in, he walked over to me and pulled me into a hug,

"You make me so mad," I cried in his chest, "You know how I feel about your mom and you keep pushing,"

"Aight I'm sorry, but she's been pressuring the hell out of me to see him, especially with what happened with Nai,"

"I get that but you don't have to take it out on me," I sniffed looking down.

"I'm sorry, I'ma chill out," He said rubbing my back. I'm already going through enough, I don't need his mom stressing me out even more.

He released me and leaned down pecking my lips, "Stop crying," He mumbled wiping my face.

"Where've you been for 2 days Amir?" I asked,

"Me and Kodi have been chasing every lead on Darnell, I promised you I was gonna find him, I meant it,"

I nodded, "Don't leave like that next time,"

"I was too focused on dealing with the situation, I apologise." He replied. I stood on my tip toes, planting a kiss on his lips,

"I missed you," I admitted.

"I missed you more, now are we gonna let them do this procedure or not?"

"I'm scared," I pouted, "I don't want anything to happen to her,"

"Neither do I baby but we won't know if we don't try," He said wrapping his arms around my waist.

I nodded, "Let's do it then," I said lowly, "I'm trusting them,"

Saint began to fuss in his stroller so Amir let go of my waist and gently rocked the stroller so he would fall asleep.

I heard a familiar voice at the reception desk and I looked towards. There stood Gray, speaking to one of the receptionists. He looked up and spotted me, I cursed under my breath when I saw him making his way towards me.

"Lala what are you doing here?" He said raising his eyebrows. Amir turned around and mugged him, here we go.

"I should be asking you that, this is the children's ward," I replied shifting my weight to the other foot,

"I'm here to see-"

"Baby, you never said you were coming now," Someone said from behind us. Sinai's nurse emerged from the room with a giant smile. Gray smiled back and brought her into a hug.

Oh.

"I wanted to see if you wanted lunch," He said to her.

"Love, I'ma go find the doctor," Amir said kissing the side of my head and walking off. I saw Gray staring us down from the corner of my eye but I ignored him.

"This is an old friend, Naala," Gray said introducing me. Old friend, wasn't an old friend when you was deep in my guts but okay.

The nurse looked at me with a smile, "I know her, I'm looking after her daughter,"

I smiled back, "I didn't catch your name?"

"It's Monroe," She replied. That's why she was so familiar. This was the same girl he claimed he wasn't dating but they looked pretty comfortable to me.

"Have you known each other long?" She asked me, rubbing her stomach.

"Not that long," Gray answered. I laughed and smiled tightly,

"I'm gonna leave you two to your lunch date,"

"Naala could I speak to you quickly actually?" Gray asked me. I looked between him and Monroe, seeing her smile drop a bit.

I nodded and moved Saint's stroller to the side, Monroe stepped away back to the receptions desk but I could still see her watching.

"What's up?" I asked,

"Whats up Naala? You ghosted me and now I've caught you here with him," He said. I looked around because I know he couldn't be talking to me.

"Caught me?" I laughed, "Like I've explained to you before, he is the father of my 2 children, so if I am with him that's my business,"

"So you're back together?"

"That's none of your business," I replied, "Worry about the baby you have on the way,"

"Why you acting like this?" He said to me stepping closer.

"Both you and your cousin feel like you can speak on my relationship, it has nothing to do with you,"

"Here you go again, when are you gonna learn that he doesn't love you?"

I drew my head back, "Yeah no, bye Gray," I said pushing Saint's stroller back into Sinai's room. I wasn't about to stand there and let him speak to me like that.

Mateo gave me a look that I couldn't quite decipher but I ignored it, I'm not in the mood for any of this.

"You're the only one I can speak to," I said to Sinai holding her hand, "I miss you Nai, I miss your smile, I miss that dirty look you give me when I wake you up. I miss how you take care of your brother, I just miss you," I said lowly. "I don't want to cry because I know how much you hate when I cry but please come back to me baby, I need you," I said with tears streaming down my face. "Your daddy misses you so much, I can tell. You are his best friend, probably his bestest friend," I chuckled while wiping my tears, "He may not say it often but he needs you too. Come back for him, I don't know what he would do without you,"

I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was Amir. I didn't even realise he came in to the room, "I'm sorry, I'm a mess," I said.

"I got you," He said pulling me into his arms, the warmth of his embrace instantly relaxed me. "You don't have to pretend to be strong for me Lala, I know this is killing you,"

"It hurts so much Amir," I cried, "I hate being like this but she's my baby,"

"Nobody is telling you that you can't cry," He mumbled moving the hair out of my face.

"I probably look like shit," I sniffed, my hair was in a messy bun, with a few strands falling down. I was wearing a black tank top with a pair of sweats and a loose cardigan.

"You always look beautiful to me," He smirked messing with my hair. He leaned to kiss me but the door opened,

"We're ready now," The doctor smiled with two other doctors behind him. I sighed and looked at Amir,

"She's gon' be good," He whispered to me, squeezing my hand.

Sinai had been in surgery for 4 hours. Naala was in my lap, I held onto her as she prayed and cried the entire time. I didn't speak I just let her do her thing. I've learned that's the best way to deal with her, by being here I was making her feel safe, I guess.

".. Amen,"She mumbled. She turned around to look at me, "You didn't say Amen,"

"Shit, I mean shoot," I mumbled when she raised a brow at me.

"Do you even want to be here?" She asked me.

Here we go with the bullshit.

"Why wouldn't I want to be here Naala?" I said with a bored expression,

"Because you look like you don't want to be here," She replied sitting up, "Am I bothering you?"

"Naala stop looking for shit to argue about, I'm here,"

"Don't curse at me," She said screwing her face up. "I didn't fucking curse at you,"

I'm starting to think that dream was real because ain't no way these mood swings were normal.

I sucked my teeth, "Alright whatever,"

"Why are you being so mean to me?" She asked, her lip quivering and her eyes watering.

Yeah she's pregnant as shit.

"When was your last period?" I asked her. She stopped crying straight away and mugged me,

"Why?"

"Because I want to know," I said back smartly.

"I can't remember," She mumbled leaning into me and kissing my neck, see bipolar as fuck.

"I'm not pregnant before you suggest that," She added,

"I didn't say you were," I responded, "You think you're pregnant?" I asked looking at her.

"No, I don't want anymore kids so I'm getting the shot," She said looking away,

"What do you mean no more kids?" I said, she has me fucked up.

"I don't want to have any more children, it's too much. I'm happy with the two we have," She smiled lightly,

"When did you decide that?"

"Can we not do this here?'' She said getting up.

"But what if you get pregnant? Are you gonna get an abortion?"

"Stop talking to me," She mumbled. She couldn't even deny it,

"You would kill my seed?" I said in disbelief, "That's fucked up man,"

"I wouldn't do that," She replied, "But I'm getting on birth control,"

"Aight, watch me flush them shits down the toilet," I laughed. She really thinks she gon be taking them.

"I'ma hide them from you," She shrugged, pulling out a new diaper for Saint.

"And then I'ma find them," I smirked. She rolled her eyes and continued changing Saint's diaper.

I pulled out my phone and checked in with Kodi.

"Love when you were with Darnell, where did he like to buy groceries?" I asked her,

She thought for a moment as she fixed Saint's clothes, "He loved Trader Joe's for some odd reason,"

"You sure?"

"Yeah," She nodded, "He went every Wednesday."