We all feel the dread as we near my father's office. Mason knocks and he calls us in. Mason opens for us, and we all get behind him. We find my father behind his desk in a full suit. If you didn't know what's happened, you wouldn't even be able to tell his wife just died.

I feel a surge of rage.

I want to scream at him for how he treated me and mom the last 2 years. My mom was lonely for many years while he chased his career. He doesn't raise his eyes, but he continues what he's doing on his laptop. We all find seats and Leo and Bas sit next to me.

He closes his laptop, and he turns his gaze to us. He looks at all of us with that assessing gaze, like he is trying to extract something hidden. After a few moments he has a small tight smile.

"Well hello, boys."

I see Mason's jaw tick. I bet he has a lot to say to my father.

"Mr. Clark." Bas says next to me

My father's face turns to a slight scowl. "That was never your burden to carry but I see you are carrying it. I guess it's to be expected seeing you aim to be taking over from your fathers after you graduate." Then he shakes his head as if he has an opinion about it.

"Yes, Sean, we are." Mason says defiantly and all our heads snap to him

My father levels him with his gaze. "I am still your senior, Mason and just because you are grown don't mean I can't still whoop your ass, boy."

If it was a casual situation I'd be saying, 'oop.' That was definitely an oop moment. Mason rolls his eyes, with a tight jaw but he doesn't respond.

"So, all of you are seeing my daughter?" my father looks at me in the soul and I can't do anything. Did they tell him that we are together? And which one of these idiots was that?

"No. Not anymore, dad." I say in haste before one of them speaks and we have to argue about it because they seem to think we are getting back together

I don't want to burden my father with news of his finished career before he even buries his wife. I pull my hand from Bas. My father sees it and his brow quips a little, but he quickly hides any further reactions.

"Sebastian seems to not think so, Willow. So, which is it?"

"We broke up on Sunday. It's over."

I see them tensing next to me, but I don't care. And it's not like anything can change, they still hate my father and me by extension and they will still use my father to further their cause. I'm no longer stupid enough to believe they'll sacrifice anything for me.

Right now, I am with them because it makes me feel better than being alone. That's all it is, and I haven't had any symptoms since last night so maybe they've cured that too.

"I see." Is all my father says on it. "I called you here to make sure you are respectful. My wife and Willow's mother just died, and I hope you know whatever bad blood is there it doesn't come to this house. Not today."

"We are here for Zahara, not old scores." Jose says

"Good. Then that will be all." He mutters then he opens his laptop again and he gets busy. We all hesitate a bit because we expected something...I don't know...more. Leo rises first and he takes my hand, and we go upstairs.

They stayed with me till late and I went to sleep alone because my father wasn't having any of that.

At night I finally got to my phone, and I read the last message she sent me. It was the message I got after my exam. She sent me a song with the words, "this song."

I cried the better part of the night listening to the song. It's a song by one of our favorite RnB artists called 'Pretty Bird.'

The lyrics and the melody convey everything I want to say to her; how I remember the bright light inside of her, how desperate I was for her to not die, how my soul soars for her, how I hated seeing her cry and in pain.

It seemed my mother really knew she didn't have much time left. All her affirmations and words. She left me with so much. I cry because it's painful she's not here with me, but she gave me and left me with all her love. I listen to our conversations all night laughing at her jokes. I am so glad I listened when Bas told me to record them.

The next morning, I wake up, having barely slept an hour.

I prepare for the funeral, and when I open my door, I find the guys waiting for me at my door. I can't help but roll my eyes. I mean, they could be less... obvious.

We head to the church after breakfast and luckily fruits didn't taste weird, so I ate and was able to go undetected. I have no actual plan, but I just don't want to tell them yet. They will never want to leave my side and I don't know if I need all that pressure from them.

And as masochistic as it may sound but I don't want the baby to be the reason they don't go through with their fucked-up plans. I don't want them to be obligated to me. Maybe it's a part of me that wants them to be horrible to me so I can move on.

We arrive at the church parking. We are earlier than everyone is supposed to arrive, but we find two SUVs. My heart sinks. I hope it's not who I think it is. We get off and my father arrives with his car. He parks next to us, and we all wait. The doors to the other SUVs open and it definitely is them.

My father gets off the car and I pull my hand from Bas, and I follow my father. They may be here with me, but I know me, and my father are the enemies, and it is us against them.

They too come our direction. When I look at my father, he has no emotion at all. The mothers are dressed elegantly and modestly as always. Appropriate for a funeral and the fathers are in suits.

My anxiety is at an all-time high. They stand a few feet away and the boys come stand next to me and their fathers don't spare them any glances. The mothers look between them and me and I see the conclusions swirling in their heads. The fathers all have a stare down with my father.

Faces that once bellowed laughs together, did pranks on one another and drank together, now look like they would jump to cut each other's throats if the other were to turn their back.

"Sean." Jose's father is the first one to speak, breaking the awkward moment.

My father sports a small smirk that doesn't spread to his face. If anything, it looks broken and sad. "Nancy, Precious, Tammy, Raina, how have you been doing? The years have been good to you." My father utters.

I want to laugh because that was so petty, and the fathers don't respond at all. They instead just give him the same looks. And like my father, the sadness is unmistakable. My mother was their friend too before the other fathers met the mothers and they got married.

"Our condolences about Marcy." Mason's father says and I see another crack in my father's shell.

I don't detect any mocking on Mason's father's words or face.

"Yeah..." my father says after a few seconds, and he looks away to other vehicles that just drove in.

He turns to me and takes my hand. "Let's go, Willow."

Then he leaves with no more words or responses. We enter the door, and my knees almost buck under me when I see her casket. My father throws his arms around me, and he steadies me.

My face gets wet instantly. Each step feels final. I will never walk this path again. I will never walk to her casket again. I will never see her body ever again.

I am shaking by the time we get to the casket.

"Shh, baby girl. Her love remains with you." I hear my fathers' words from a distance.

With shaky hands I open her casket and a sob escapes me.

"Ah!"

My father comforts me and we cry in each other's arms. No one else can understand our grief. No one knows how we feel. My father may have had his imperfections, but I know deep inside he still loved her.

I pull from him. I wipe his tears and he smiles a sad smile. All the years of resentment melt away when I look into my father's eyes, and I see the aching sadness that resides there.

I smile at him through the tears.

"She is still with us."

I see the depth and conviction of the words and I nod, then I turn to her. My chest feels like it is getting squeezed in my chest. I feel a pain that is all encompassing as I look at her pale, lifeless body.

She's really gone.

Oh, mom.

I step closer. I need to touch her. With an unsteady hand I reach for her bony hand.

She is cold. I get closer. This is all that's left. My beautiful mother. I take both her hands and I bring them to my lips. She is blurry but I don't care.

"I miss you already, mom."

My heart shatters a million times as I die a thousand deaths on the inside. I take her in. It descends on me; she isn't here anymore. She is really gone. These hands, this face, this body don't house my mother anymore. It brings me an eerie quiet, a quiet because what I'm feeling can never be described as peace. My soul calms.

"I am glad you got to rest, mom. Life has been so hard for you. I love you more than anything. Th-thank you for everything." I sniffle as I caress her face. I stand there staring at her as I die every second, realizing she's really gone.

Hands on my shoulders make me tense till I realize its Jose.

I see the people in the benches I hadn't heard come in. He pulls me to the side. He takes me to the bathroom, and I wash my face before I go back. They all came, and they sat next to me and my father. The other fathers and mothers sat behind us. My father didn't say anything. Our hands were linked throughout the service.

When its time for him to say words, he gets up.

He stands over her after he takes the mic. His back moves before he turns.

"I met my wife when I was 17. I remember the first time I saw her." He looks behind me. I guess at the others. "I told my friends, 'I will marry that girl one day.'" he smiles at the fond memory. "They said I was a fool, and she would never look my way..." he looks at the rest of the church after he clears his throat. "They were right." Everyone laughs. "She dated a douche bag that I wanted to punch every day." He looks behind and I turn to find the fathers smiling. "She friend zoned me, and it would be another year and a half before she even gave me any sort of chance. But ever since that day my life has been a little brighter. Marcy is my sun. She made my heart beat faster every time I gazed at her. She is my best friend. She is the love of my life. My little ray of sunshine." He moves the mic and shakes his head and blows a breath. He places the mic and comes back to seat. He places his face in his hands and bends to his knees and I rub his back.

But then it is my turn to speak. I look at the guys, they reach, and they all touch my hand. I get up and they rise with me, but I shake my head and they sit down. I walk to the front, and I take the mic. I turn to Bas who had the CD, and he puts the music for me. I turn to my mom. This is her song. its not about these people.

I take her cold hand and I sing for her the last song she wanted me to sing for her. The tears don't stop me, and I sing my heart out for her. My last act for her. When I am finished, I place her hand back. Then I turn to the congregants.

I let Leo wipe my face with the wipe and I stand to face everyone.

"In her last months, my mom kept repeating something to me. 'Zaz, be happy.' I didn't know at the time she was preparing me to a life without her. It hurts. But I am relieved for her. I know she is in a better place and her spirit will never leave me. I only hope to honor her life. I love you forever, mommy." I kiss her forehead for the last time, and I freeze there. I don't want the moment to end. Sobs on top of other sobs escape me and I wail harder when someone pulls me from her.

"No! Mom, no! Aah!"

The song referred to in the chapter is Pretty Bird Freestyle by Jhene Aiko. I wrote the first half of the chapter with this song on repeat. The last half of the chapter I was listening to Distant Lover. Distant Lover is such a perfect song and it translates grief and the utter devastation of the loss of a loved one so well. Everything about it; every chord, every note, the song progression, to the vocal arrangement and the raw emotion in Gaye's voice. When I need a good cry, I always listen to this song.