After doing my night routine, I settle in bed and I kinda feel shitty. I know I'm hormonal, but I also am being a shitty person. But I also feel like they deserve it. I mean, I didn't care about the slave thing but for them to not even last 24 hours means they lied about being willing to do anything. And where did they go in the morning?

I stare at the ceiling as I rub my belly.

"Fuck, everything is a mess right now, peanut." I talk to my child. "Me and your fathers... it's just messy and I don't know." I blow a breath. "I don't know how to get back to a place where I can forgive them, you know?" I look down at my small bump. "I want to... to hear them, but don't I deserve someone who will never dream of betraying me too, peanut?"

I feel silly as I stare at my tummy like the child will give me some signal.

Sleep steals me away after a few minutes and I get no peace in my dreams as I relive the argument with Leo, and I stare at his heartbroken face all night, and I wake up with a wet pillow.

The next week is fucking horrible. I wake up with them at my door everyday and I don't speak to them. But it's a little mutual. I don't send them to do anything during school hours, but they follow regardless.

I mostly send them on the random food runs I need in town or when I need something done, like laundry or my room cleaned. None of it makes me happy, but I keep going.

Me and Darrell also go on a few friend dates. It is more to piss them off than it is because I have any real, romantic connections with Darrell, but I am being spiteful and bitter.

I may look like the devil but none of them understand what it is I've fucking been through, what I fucking feel, and how it all happened in a small space of six months.

I was dealing with my mother withering in front of my eyes.

I had to deal with them being back in my life and hating me.

I had to deal with their bullying.

I was ridiculed, tortured, and called names.

Finding out they betrayed me in the worst kind of way, and I was nothing more than a means to their end. A useless toy to be discarded at the end of its usefulness. The very people I would have died for used me like a dirty rag cloth, and they meant it in every way.

Then my mother's death.

And on top of everything I'm pregnant.

But they just get to say sorry and have a happy ending?

Nah fuck that.

I'd say I have had just enough of suffering.

I have one heart; I reach my limit too and sometimes it feels better to share the suffering. I am fucking hurt. I am fucking bitter.

And I am fucking jealous.

They had each other and I was alone. They have each other to talk to, to comfort and I am alone.

They never really welcomed me back. Even when we were dating, I was alone. They had each other while they plotted together against me. I've had to shoulder everything myself because no one understands, and those who pretend they do think it should be easy for me to just shrug everything off me, like I'm a fucking robot; that I should get over it.

I have a fucking heart and being betrayed by the loves of my life hurt me more than anything. Being betrayed by the one you thought was yours fucking sucks.

So yes, I want them in pain, and I want them mad.

Maybe then they will have felt even a fraction of what they did to me. Maybe then they'll understand.

It breaks my own fucking heart, and it kills me seeing them suffering because I still love them, and half the days I want more than anything to just forget and fall in their arms. I want them to hold me, to wipe my tears and give me everything I need, but they haven't learnt the lesson. Only in your own suffering can you truly learn, can you gain perspective, and they need to learn big.

So yes, I've been meeting Darrell. Me and Darrell are more in the friendzone, but we text often, and he serves his purpose.

Simba has been on their side with that. He doesn't think its right for me to wave Darrell in their face, but I made it abundantly clear that I don't care.

I am done letting other people dictate my life. Look how it turned out when my father was given the reigns over mine and mom's life. My mom died alone in a foreign country, and my heart was left shattered in a million pieces.

On Tuesday afternoon I walk into my building, and I find Leo in my dorm. He is refolding my clothes in my drawer. The phone rings as I'm about to greet him.

Its Darrell.

I think about whether to reject it or answer it in the bathroom. But soon remember that I am not doing anything with Darrell and Leo isn't my boyfriend. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I fight the voices that tell me otherwise. Fuck that logic.

"Hey, hey." I answer after deciding this is my room and my life and I can do whatever I want.

"Hey Zar." Darrell's voice comes out warm on the other line, but I flinch a little inside. Only Bas calls me Zar, and I don't know why but I don't appreciate it coming from him. But I sit on that reaction.

"What's up?"

"Um, nothing much. Just checking on my friend." He emphasizes the word friend and I chuckle.

"Well, your friend is fine just tired is all."

"You are always tired. Don't tell me I am friends with a grandma trapped in a young body."

"Hey, don't reveal my secrets, young man."

He laughs and I chuckle. I see Leo's back stiffening.

I swallow my increasing heart rate as my insides tighten in pain.

"So, I know you said you want to be friends, but I have these Winter Jam tickets for the coming weekend, and they are for VIP and I would like to go on another friend date with my friend."

I don't know. That doesn't sound bad, but I am not sure I want to be in a loud place with lots of drunk high school and college students. Besides, Darrell doesn't know I'm pregnant and I am not ready for that to come out. He will know if I don't drink.

"Um, I'd have to decline a bit. I am not sure I want to be around all that rowdy energy."

There is a silence for a beat.

"Look Zar," I flinch inside again. "I don't know what's going on with you, but I want to be here for you. My family owns a peaceful property by the beach, and I can borrow it to you for a weekend if you don't mind. I worry about you especially after your mother...you know."

I get uncomfortable because this conversation has moved from light to being very real and that is not Darrell's role in my life. He is a distraction, and he is here to be fun and to help me make them mad.

"Um, listen Darrell, I have to go. We can talk later."

I don't wait for him to reply, and I drop the call.

Leo doesn't say anything, but I see his back is still stiff and I can feel his silent anger. I feel bad, but I don't say anything. I go to the bathroom, and I lock myself there until I hear him leave.

I lay awake later that night, it is also the night before the OB-GYN appointment.

I keep quiet for a while lying in bed before I smile. "I am going to see you for the first time tomorrow. I am so excited." I tell peanut.

Then my face falls.

Them.

I haven't told them, and I am not exactly speaking to them right now, but I do not want to rob them those moments. The status of our relationship may be uncertain, but they are still the fathers and I know I'll never forgive myself if I keep them away from this.

So, with my throat trying its best to swallow my pride, I take my phone from the table. I unblock them and I fire up the group chat.

I see them typing but I block them again and I set my phone down. I don't know what they were going to say and I don't want to hear it. I close my eyes and I try to soothe myself by rubbing my stomach that grows a little more each day.

"I can't wait to meet you, peanut."

The following morning, I wake up and get ready. I decide on a ponytail, and it is a bit chilly today but its close and I'll be in and out. I wear jeans and a cardigan and army boots. I get my things and I open my door. I am met with four standing idiots. I just roll my eyes and I move. Leo blocks my way and I try to go the other way and Bas blocks me too.

"What the hell is your problem. I told you I don't wanna talk." I snap

"It's chilly out." Jose says.

I turn my face to him.

"Is it, number 1?"

I see the ghost of a smirk before he schools his face again.

"Come on, you need to dress warmer." He tries to guide me by my back, but I swat his hand.

"Let me leave, I will be late to eat, and Simba is waiting."

"Then you better hurry and change." Mason's voice comes out like ice behind me

I turn cause I think he's confused who the fuck he's talking to but my face falters when I see the look in his eyes. His face is housing his dont-fuck-with-me-today face, he isn't playing any games. I turn to Leo, and I find a similar look.

I grunt and I turn to my room with a huff, and I add layers and I take a puffy jacket. I walk out and they let me go. None of them say anything and they let me go ahead and they follow behind 10 feet like usual.

The whole thing still feels weird.

I get to Simba, and we walk to the diner. They sit on the table near us but we say nothing to each other. I don't talk to them, and they don't give me anything in return. I shut down the questions from my table mates last week and they haven't dared ask again.

After school I head to the parking, and I climb in the car without being told. Jose drives us. The situation is tense in the car. Jose has the steering wheel on tight, his knuckles are white, but his face is impassive. I look out the window. They are all mad. And I could guess why, it probably starts with a D and ends with an L.

Well, good.

I don't tell them where my appointment is, but I don't doubt they would know. They really are sneaky, psychotic liars. Now I regret telling them about it. They probably would have come anyway.

They surround me as we walk to the doctor's suites. I give the lady my appointment and she makes quick work of it. We wait a few minutes before I am escorted to the consultation room.

The nurse leaves us.

I sit on the chair and the air is still tense. But I see so much is just going unsaid. I am not the first one who is going to talk because I don't need to say anything.

"Will the doctor be able to tell the gender?" Bas asks, breaking the tension

"I think so. You want to know?" I ask back

"Don't you?"

"I don't know." I say honestly. Honestly, I just planned to see the peanut on the screen, to know they are healthy and get their first picture.

"We don't have to if you don't want to." I hear the pain in Mason's voice, and it tugs at my heart. This isn't just my child.

"It's always on vote when it comes to them. What does everyone want?"

They all look at me with intense looks, none of that hardness and anger from earlier, but the moment is disturbed by an open door.

"Okay, Miss Clark." The doctor pauses at the door before she walks in, leaving it open.

"Um, sorry. Only the father can remain." She looks at them then me.

I sigh. "They are all the father."

It takes a moment, but we all burst out laughing. The doctor doesn't get the joke and she doesn't laugh at all.

"No, serious, doc. We are all possible fathers. 'Twas a group effort." Bas grins and the confusion in the doctor's face doesn't go anywhere.

"Dr. Drake, I want them to stay." I finally tell her

It takes her a moment before she is back to her professional face. she closes the door before she comes to take the seat next to the examining bed.

She scrolls through what I'm assuming is my file on her tablet.

"Your first pregnancy?"

"Yes." I answer. "And hopefully my last." I say under my breath, and I see a smirk on Leo's face. I groan and roll my eyes. The doctor lifts her eyes to me and I shake my head.

She does her checks before she squirts the cold gel on my belly. The guys look fascinated by my pregnant belly and none of them can look away. Like they are taking in everything that's happening. I see Leo's sharp eyes as he watches the doctor with a vigilant eye.

The ultrasound starts making noise and I turn my face to it.

The doctor smiles. "Everything looks great, Miss Clark."

Then she looks at me and in the general direction of the guys. "Will you be finding out the gender today or you will wait?"

I look to them. "We would like to know." Mason says and I smile a little

The doctor looks to me for confirmation and I nod. My heart starts pounding faster.

"Looks like you will have a baby boy. Congratulations." She smiles

A boy.

"A son?" Bas asks

I nod as wetness tints my eyes.

Mason comes closer and he looks down at me with nothing but pure joy and adoration. "Fuck, sweetheart." He brushes my cheek. He looks at me with wonder-filled eyes, and for a second, I let it in. I allow all their love to touch me as they look at me like they would lay down everything for me and our son.

In this moment everything melts away.

Just us and our son.

"Would you like a printout?" the doctor breaks the moment.

"Yes." We all say in unison

"I want my own copy, doc." Jose says

I roll my eyes. She prints the 3-D pictures. The mood has both lightened and intensified. They all surround me like I will fall any minute. I bear it as we leave the suites, and we head to the car. Jose tries to hold my hand, but I pull away from him.

I don't linger to see his reaction, but I know he is hurt. It hurts me too but being back outside reminds me not all is perfect just because of the moment we just had. And I can't give up that easily.

"Wanna eat?" Mason asks

I nod. Yes. I just remembered I'm hungry. "Starving."

"What you wanna eat?" Bas asks

"Hm, pizza." My stomach feels more vacant at the mention of food

We drive to the restaurant. We get a private room this time, which is just as well I am not in the mood to mind my eating in fear of who might be watching. We order our pizzas. My hunger doubles over and I swear this child means to eat me from the inside.

"Calm down, peanut." I look down as I rub my belly.

I lift my eyes and I find them all quipping their eyebrows.

"Peanut?" Bas asks

"Don't laugh. Mom called him peanut in her letter, so he's peanut."

"She did?"

I nod. "She wrote me a letter on the day she...died." I clear my throat. "She knew she was going. I told her I was pregnant that morning. She was so excited." I try for a smile, but my eyes water and I quickly wipe my tears. I knit my fingers feeling so crazy. It seems I'm always crying, and I am starting to not appreciate it. A comforting hand rubs my arm.

"Its fine. It happened." I try to collect my face and my crazy emotions. I hate feeling like this. It's like I'm feeling everything at once. Hurt, sadness, happiness, excitement, love, anger, anxiousness, and longing. All of it intensifies when I'm around them. I just feel extra crazy.

"It's not okay, Zara." Mason reflects a deep pain in his eyes, and I look away

"We know you still hate us, and you don't want to hear anything we say but we want more than anything to be here for you and him. Please Zaza."

I don't answer immediately. I know what they want but it's hard for me.

"It's hard for me to get over what happened." I tell them honestly for the first time. My gaze fixates on the tablecloth. "I know we started in lies, but you guys should have been better. I just..." I take a steadying breath. "I just feel beaten up by life and you were the people who were supposed to be in my corner, and you did what you did... on purpose. I don't know how to trust you to not choose the other again. It's not just me. I can't...I can't let that happen to him."

Silence befalls the table before Leo speaks.

"Do you really believe that we would ever choose anything else over you and our son, Hoshi?"

Our eyes stay fixed to one another's for a while. I know they already love peanut too, but I feel like I'll be giving up easily if I just give up now. And I can't stop the nagging feeling that their son is the only thing they want from me now.

That in itself brings hesitation to my heart. How they were willing to lose me when I wasn't pregnant but now, they won't even give me room to breathe because I'm pregnant.

It gorges my soul, and I am left a little more broken. It certainly doesn't mend my broken heart.

"I believe that I am expendable. Your son isn't, but I am." I get up from the chair because my heart is squeezing so tightly in my chest and I'm about to cry, and I want to do that anywhere else other than here, with them looking sorry, always fucking sorry.

They all rise.

"Zara, that isn't true."

"It isn't. We love you. What would it take for you to understand that?"

"Zar, please."

I raise my hands.

"Just...no. Just stop." I breathe out.

I move and they follow. It feels like I'm about to suffocate. I need to be alone.

"Stop following me! I just need to breathe, without you. Fucking stop. Leave me alone. Just... fucking go... fucking die!" I pant. "I don't love you anymore!" I scream.

I run out of there blinded by tears.

I jump in a cab, and I ask them to take me to Eden. I don't know why I'm going there or what I'm doing. I just feel like I want to be away from them so I can think. I can never think because they are always next to me, looking at me with their sad faces and I can't take it. I can't take it because I want to hear them. Maybe I believe them. But I also know I can't trust them even if I want to.

I feel so crazy.

I hide in the cab and in the mirror, I see them running out of the restaurant and they can't see me.

I can't stop the emotions and my pained heart anymore and I let out my sobs. I am in my own world of sorrow for a few minutes, and I forgot about the cab driver.

It is 8pm when I get to Eden, and I check in a hotel. It is stupid to run away but I can't let them take me for a fool again. I can't just say yes that easily like an idiot.

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