The surface of the water is in my view, but no matter how hard I swim towards it, I can never get to the top. Drowning. Some people say its a peaceful way to die. You can just let go, and drift away... Slipping into complete nothingness. I struggle to continue on, and I feel myself start to suffocate, so I just let go.

I sat down on the marble ledge where there was a pool of clear water surrounding a big fountain in the middle, and glanced at the pennies resting at the bottom. It didn't matter how many pennies you threw into water and how many wishes you wished for, it wouldn't come true. It was however, a nice distraction from the real world; a dream. A dream for those foolish souls who were blinded by the realities of the sick place we lived in.

I focused on my hands gripping the handles of my beat up suitcase so hard that my knuckles were going white. My leg was bouncing up and down, shaking from nerves as well as exhaustion from not sleeping in the last nineteen hours. I wanted to look up to see if they arrived yet, but I didn't want to risk it. Making unnecessary eye contact with any strangers in this not unusual packed airport wasn't appealing.

I hadn't seen anyone in almost a year. I wondered how they looked now, if anything's changed besides me leaving. I wondered if everyone sounded the same, or acted the same way. Did everyone live in the same place they did before I left? I felt my anxiety creep up on me as I knew the waiting period was coming to a close, and I'd have to accept reality and face everyone I've ran away from. If I believed in a god, I'd pray no one has had high expectations of me that I've become a completely different person because I'm not. I wondered if they'd even come. If I were them, I most definitely would not have. Fuck this guy, I'd say, we're finally free from him.

That thought completely went away as I heard familiar voices in the distance. They actually came. It was almost a shock. I felt my heart actually skip a beat as I knew it was time to show everyone how much I've "bettered" myself in the last while. Normally I wasn't the nervous type and usually I gave zero fucks about what anyone thought of me but these people walking toward me were practically my family and I was the black sheep of the group. I stopped shaking my leg and glanced upward, scanning the room for familiar faces, focused on their voices to lead my eyes in the right direction.

Man with suit on, a phony. Woman with three children, hating her life as she should with her rugrats tugging at their leashes. More emotionless people collided past each other, not a single thought in mind. I almost smirked when I made eye contact with a younger female who seemed to have did a double take at my mean expression before speeding her pace.

When my eyes met his face, my first reaction was to turn and get back onto the plane I came off of an hour ago, but I couldn't. I stood up and wiped my sweaty palms on the front of my jeans and straightened my posture. There was no turning back now. Fuck.

I made eye contact with my most true friend and couldn't help but smile sloppily towards him with small excitement. He smiled and gave a small wave, then moved his eyes to the person walking beside him. When I glanced at his father, I couldn't help but look away and avoid him. I could see from the corner of my eyes, his straight face, that showed little to no emotion and I instantly started to feel my hands clam up again. I could tell that he saw right through me; he saw pure disappointment. Not that I should've been surprised, I put this on myself.

As they got closer, almost right in front of me, I gave a chuckle and ran my hands through my hair, and scratched the back of my head.

Without a word, Tyler embraced me in a bear hug. Startled, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling a sense of relief to be close to someone I could trust - someone familiar.

"It's great to see you!" Tyler said after releasing me from our embrace. He had always been one to have an upbeat tone to him, yet extremely relaxed. Sometimes I hated it. He always made sure to never let anyone feel uncomfortable or unwanted and for that I was grateful. I was just used to terrorizing and calling people out on their shit.

He was the only person I could tolerate for more than a few hours.

"You too, Ty," I replied and gave him a lazy smile. "I've missed you." I admitted.

Find yourself stabilization, Elias. It will ground your emotions and ultimately control your sporadic impulses.

"I'm quite interested to hear all about your stay," Tyler's deep voice echoed through my ears.

"Fuck. Yeah, it was... Insightful," I muttered.

I looked over to Tyler's father staring at me dead in the eye, unsure how to act towards him. "Elias." He said to me in a monotone voice. Here we go.

Fuck, I thought to myself, unsure of what he was going to say to me. "James," I replied and nodded my head in a polite greeting gesture, as polite as I could get at least.

James, Tyler's father, extended his arm toward me for a handshake, which made me want to roll my eyes. What a fake response to give to someone.

"You look well." He took my hand in his and gave me a firm handshake with a small squeeze before he released my hand.

"You'd know that though," I shot back, seeing as he was the one that got me into the facility in the first place. I shouldn't be so harsh towards James after all he'd done for me. There was just something about him though that made me want to punch him out.

Before James could reply, Tyler jumped into my bitter encounter to redirect the conversation. "You've gotten bigger in the last year, I almost didn't recognize you." he touched my bicep and gave me a small push.

I gave Tyler a half smirk, almost forgetting that I looked physically a lot different now than I did a year ago. "This is what happens when you're forced a new diet plan of zero toxic substances." I replied and took a pause to remember how thin I used to be before I was sent away. "I'd take a lot of my frustration out in the gym." I admitted and glanced at James as my attempt to show him that I was serious about becoming a better person. He saw through me.

If I hadn't been sent away, there'd be a strong chance that I'd look even skinnier than I was a year ago, if I was even still alive, that is.

"Well Eli, It's finally over, but it was well worth it, yeah? You look a lot healthier, man, I'm happy to see that." Tyler said, most likely referring to the fact that I didn't have dark bags under my eyes anymore or such pale skin that I looked practically grey.

"Where's Lacey?" I asked and changed the subject away from me.

"Lace really wanted to come, but she thought that it'd be best to not have as many people show up to greet you right away." He answered, hesitant. "She's really excited to see you, she just needed some time, y'know?" Lacey was someone I referred to as Tyler's shadow as she and him were attached to the hip, practically drowning in each others love and affection. It's gross and I can't comprehend how someone could spend so much time with another human being, but she made Tyler happy and for that I appreciated her although I know the feeling was no longer mutual.

I nodded at Tyler and frowned a little but my thoughts of Lacey and Tyler became interrupted by James clearing his throat. "I'm going to be leaving but I'd like to speak to Elias alone for a minute." I looked up at James, confused and annoyed but nodded my head and agreed to follow him toward the doors of the airport, almost curious as to what he needed to say to me.

"How are you feeling mentally?" He asked now that we're alone, looking me straight in the eye.

"I'm better than I was before," I smirked to show resilience and stared him in the eyes. "It's helped me a lot, being there and it was very well needed." I looked away and hated the idea of being small against him. Whatever he needed to hear is what I'd say so he could just get the fuck off my back and leave me alone.

"I've been keeping tabs on you throughout your process at the facility, and I know everything you were doing while you were away." He said.

"I know."

"I know that there was a long period of time where you attempted different healing processes. But you came along quite well, which I wasn't sure was quite possible."

Yeah, yeah.

"You have potential for a bright future, Elias, so do yourself a favor and keep yourself on track. Don't slip into old habits, and go to meetings when you're having bad days. Also, focus on yourself more than others. Stay away from triggers," James said firmly, never missing a beat in his words.

What a shitty pep talk. I must've been a good actor if I managed to fool James into thinking I was a better human being. Maybe he was just saying these things because he didn't want to spend more money on treatments.

James was the ultimate business man. He was the type of person who would do you a favor for the bragging rights and the opportunity to say that he saved you from a sticky situation. I had to be thankful to him because he really had helped a lot, using his money to get me the treatment that I needed, but I couldn't help but dislike his personality. He was a tough man who I rarely seen without a suit on, which was the complete opposite of me and how I was. He had a thick, straight voice where it was almost robotic and automatic.

"Thank you, sir." I replied, looking him in the eyes and watched as they flickered with anger when I replied in sarcasm.

"Elias, is it possible that you enjoy the idea of walking along the edge of life? Triggering your chaos will end in fire, you must learn to control yourself."

I sighed. "I will repay you for all you've done for me someday, and I'll always be grateful to you for sending me away when you saw how badly I was becoming. I'm better now.. I've been clean for almost six months." Minus the cigarettes that I already bought the minute I got out of the facility. Minus the alcohol I planned on having when I got home. Whatever he needed to hear.

James nodded at me and touched my shoulder. "You look good, kid." he released his grip on me. Kid. James and I had a weird relationship. He acted and treated me like his fuck up of a son, yet we'd never been very close with each other enough to tell each other things besides work or how much I disappointed and scared those around me. As much as James and I had an extreme tension towards each other, I could 't help but want to please him as if I'd find thrill by being his bitch. If he thought I really changed though, he must be more naive than I gave him credit for.

He then gave his son a wave goodbye and a nodded toward him, before he looked at me dead in the eyes one last time, and walked out the doors of the airport.

Tyler and I walked out to his dark grey 2016 Mercedes c300 car and I threw my suitcases in the backseat, at this point not caring about being gentle with my things - I just wanted to go back to Tyler's house and lay down. I wasn't expecting the reaction from James that I got. I must have looked a hell of a lot better than I felt, I supposed.

Tyler sat down in the drivers side and I followed his action and plopped down on the passenger side, letting out a sigh of relief as my body relaxed all it's muscles. As he started the car up to prepare for our drive home, I slouched further into my seat and stared at the passenger window with my eyes half open, watching two raindrops race down the glass.

"Hey, Eli?" He asked, breaking the silence in the car ride home.

"Yeah?" I replied, giving off a curious tone, even though I really would have rather gone to sleep.

"How was it out there?"

"Which part? Rehab or the psych ward?" I joked.

"Both." Tyler replied and glanced at me shortly, then turned his attention back on the road. "Weren't they technically the same thing?"

"It was hard," I sighed and thought back to the difficult year I had while I've been attempting and failing to get my life together. "Y'know, as much as people think that this experience has changed me and that I've bettered myself, I'll never be "cured."" I admitted. My doctor liked to remind me of this often.

"You will never be cured, Elias. The trauma will never go away, it's how you deal with it in which will show resilience. You will always have darkness inside you. Try to find some light along the way."

I glanced at Tyler who was peaking at me through peripherals. Tyler has acted like my older brother since the day I met him. He was only a few years older than me, him being twenty-six and me being twenty-three. I didn't know what it was about him that made me trust and confide in him so much, but he was someone I could let my guard down with. He was a rare type.

"I don't think anyone is expecting you to change, nor would they be happy if you did. The goal was to get you back on track with life and get over your past."

"I'm not all that bad," I said.

"You can be," Tyler glared at the road in front of us.

"I can't help that I was raised a certain way." Was the self defense that I could come up with.

"It was becoming evident." He muttered. "Is that what they taught you in rehab?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I heard it every session. It's not my fault, it's not my fault, except that it is." It was my fault, for choosing the lifestyle that I chose when I had many opportunities to pick a different path.

"Glad to see you still don't listen to professionals." He grumbled. "How'd they let you out again?"

"Good behavior."

Tyler Chortled at that. "Right."

"But, if you want me to be real honest here. I'll always have awful days of dangerous thoughts. There is no changing that, it's something I will live with for the rest of my shitty life. I'll always have anxiety with certain situations and nightmares of my past and wanting to behave in the way I was taught and raised."

He frowned.

Not the answer he wanted. "But. I've learned ways to cope with the dark thoughts that I come up with. I learned that drowning myself with heavy drugs and destructive behaviors like scaring off the public only really make things worse. I'll forever have cravings, and I'll forever have temptations. That's what music is for." I sighed, letting my guard down even more. I felt weak. "I think the main thing I need to prove is that I'm no longer a threat to society. I recognize my actions."

"Well, fuck." Tyler said, almost stunned. "You actually retained some information while you were away."

"I had no choice, they taped my eyelids open and made me stare at a brainwashing tv show twelve hours a day." I smirked and shook my head. I missed my friend.

"On a more serious note, does Lacey still hate me?" Ah, the dreaded question. I couldn't hold it in any longer. When I saw she wasn't at the airport to see me - not that I blamed her; I had a feeling of nerves ever since.

I looked down towards my hands and closed my eyes for a moment, thinking back to the day I walked into Tyler and Lacey's house, my old house. There they were, Tyler and James, standing there, waiting for my arrival home. The day after I betrayed Laceys trust. The day after I betrayed my best friend, Tyler.

I was having a hard time remembering what sparked them to want to kick me out that night. But regardless, I walked out anyways, so pent up with anger from the high and hallucinations I was experiencing. It started out a fun night of random sex and drugs until I decided to fuck everything up for myself.

I practically overdosed and looking back, I probably should have.

During my intervention interrogation, James and Tyler told me I wouldn't be staying here for awhile. With what I thought was going to be me looking for apartments, turned out I had my own room, locked up with no way out.

"She's come to terms." He kept his eyes on the road but I could see his jaw bone tensed. It was clear that he wasn't fully over the situation and what I did to him and that was okay. I'd hate me too, if the roles were reversed.

"Is that why she skipped on coming to see me today?"

"I don't think you realize how fucked up you are sometimes." Tyler commented.

"Hm."

A few moments of silence went by and the only thing I thought of is Lacey's scared face staring at me with tears streaming down her face as I pinned her up against a wall and screamed at her, so fucked up that I thought she was someone else. I could've killed her that night, I was so angry. I wouldn't, but I could've. I think that's the only time I've ever seen Tyler mad, especially at me. I'm shocked James didn't just send me to jail like I was supposed to. That was the interesting thing about money I guess. Having connections could get you out of just about anything.

"Have they put you on any medication?" Tyler asked and changed the subject slightly.

"Would it really be a mental ward if they didn't?" I grinned at him which made him give me a sour look. "I was given meds at the beginning... Sertraline or Zoloft. But fuck that. I was a zombie and I was abusing them by snorting them up my nose." I laughed. "After that, I was taken off them until I was clean since I couldn't be trusted. They tried fucking around with switching my medication to see what worked best for me but in the end I didn't end up taking anything. I do have a prescription still though."

"Sound's like you," Tyler muttered and shook his head. "Don't they force medication to patients though?"

"I think you know more than anything that I can't be controlled." I said.

"You're definitely a free spirit," He mumbled to himself, annoyed by the fact.

A few moments of silence went before Tyler asked, "Now that you're sober, do you sleep?"

I couldn't help but laugh because of the fact that I had gone without sleep for twenty-two hours. "Whatever answer makes you happy is the answer I give."

"My father had updates on you throughout your stay. I asked for updates as well but I was denied." Tyler frowned at the road.

"That was a request made by me," I admitted which made him look at me with confusion. I hated that even James was given the rights to see my progress. We were not related. He didn't deserve to know, I knew I definitely didn't deserve to be ascertained.

"I felt and still feel so guilty over what I've done to Lacey and the trust I broke with you, that I wanted to distance myself from everyone." It was odd to feel emotion towards people. I often wished I could go back to before I moved here a few years ago, back when I trusted and cared for no one. Back when I was worse than I am now, because back then I didn't have Tyler to keep me in line and back then I didn't feel emotion towards the wrongful things I did.

"Hey man, I get it. I think that, that was ultimately the most wise move to make. I just - Ah. I wanted to fucking kill you at that time, I was so angry. But it was so painful because watching someone I consider my brother, be so destructive towards himself... to the point where it affected those around you... man it's hard to see."