While looking at myself in my full length mirror against the wall of my bedroom, I fix my shirt and straighten out my jacket. If I'm going to attend the People's Choice Awards, an event I don't even want to attend in the first place, I might as well look good. I might as well also look good for a certain someone that's going to be there. Thinking about just that makes my hands clammy already. God get a grip. I take one step back and make a small pose, deciding my outfit is up to my standards. For tonight, I chose to wear neutral tones: A light brown Prada jacket, a beige quarter turtle neck, and cool textured slacks tied together with my favorite belt and rings.

One thing I do have to say about awards and ceremonies is that I don't have to drive to these things. Don't be fooled, I love driving, it can be pretty relaxing at times. But there are always so many cars at the venues of events that it's extremely overwhelming. After spraying my last spritz of cologne, I hear my manager and driver at the front door. I make sure to lock up and I greet them both with a hug. And from there, we are off, and the nerves start to pile up after each traffic light.

As I am on the way, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and I reach in to grab it. I check my notifications on the front page and see Hailee sent me a text.

Hailee: hi! im on my way. meet me inside!

Jayden: you got it. im sure i'll be able to find that pretty face of yours quick

Hailee: i may or may not be blushing right now..

Jayden: mission make hailee smile: successful

Hailee liked your message

---

The second I step out of the black SUV, I am hit with the flashes of what seems like a thousands cameras beaming into my eyes. But like I am trained to do, I smile and wave, trying not to squint and hide behind my eyes because that would just be embarrassing. I do my rounds walking down the outside red carpet first, waving to fans and signing everything from jerseys, to hats, to shoes, you name it. Interacting with fans makes this a little less insufferable.

While I'm greeting the fans, I notice a young girl in an LA Sparks Jersey, about 8 or 9 years old and I can't help but give her some attention. She spots me and we make eye contact and her face lights up with joy.

"You're my inspiration! I want to play ball just like you when I'm older." She says with a smile that accompanies her two dimples. My heart melts in its place.

"She doesn't take that jersey off. We almost have to rip it away from her so she can shower." Her father tells me jokingly and I laugh with him.

"Can you please sign my jersey Jayden?" She asks me with sparkles in here eyes.

"Of course little one, what's your name?"

"Olivia!"

"Okay Olivia, point to where you want me to sign!" She quickly turns around and points to the large three on her back, my assigned number. In the middle of the number I write her name along with a cute message, and then my signature.

"This is the best day ever dad! Thank you Jayden, good luck against the Mercury soon!"

"Anytime kid, see you soon." I say while walking away.

By now I've almost made it inside the venue, where the interviewers and hosts start to ask the nominees questions for different outlets of social media like TikTok and Instagram. One of them calls me over and I walk over and greet her.

"If it isn't the amazing Jayden Carter, nominated for Female Athlete of the Year! Say hello to the PCA's instagram live!" The interviewer says.

"Hey everyone!" While she talks to me I quickly glance at the comments and can't help but smile at the overwhelming support.

"So Jayden, how does it feel to be back at the PCA's for the third time?"

"Honestly, it's a great feeling you know, it makes you feel like all your hard work has paid off. I'm really lucky to be here tonight, and I am looking forward to the rest of the night." I say honestly

"It comes to no surprise to see you here nominated for this award, I mean, you broke your career high just a few months ago at a whopping 39 points! Congrats!"

"Thank you, it means a lot." I reply

"Now tonight you're nominated against your rival, Maya Higgins. What are your thoughts on that?"

Great. Time to make up some press approved answer. I don't have it in me right now to give a response that I know will give me bad press.

"Well, you know I believe everyone who is nominated tonight in all categories deserves to be here. The people chose at the end of the day, again I'm just even lucky to be considered." I answer, trying to mostly respond in how I feel to be here, rather than the fact that I just lied. I don't believe someone with that poor sportsmanship should even be here. If only they knew what she has told me when no one was watching.

"That's awesome. Can't wait to see you out there and hopefully on stage. Good luck and go Sparks!" She says while waving goodbye and I do the same.

I head towards the two double doors that separate press and fans from the main event inside. The next step in this process is to check the directory in the front to see what table I'm sitting at, secretly hoping Hailee is in mine, but what are the chances?

I look down the list until I find my name in Table 3, great my lucky number. I'm the first listed, and I run my finger down until I find Hailee's shortly after, but she's seated at Table 4. Okay, I can manage that. Lastly, I check to see where Maya is seated, and thankfully she's in Table 13, far far away from me and my desperate attempts at flirting.

There aren't many people in the main venue, as there are still celebrities getting here. I always like to arrive at events as early as possible, so I can get straight through fans and press at my own pace. I decide to grab some water at the open bar and take my seat at my designated table. I look over to Table 4 with no sign of Hailee. The only people I see are Ella Hunt and Anna Baryshnikov talking to each other and giggling. Should I talk to them? No Jayden, that's so weird what the fuck.

To pass the time, I pull out my phone and start to play some stupid little games on my phone. I then get a text notification at the top of my screen tonight.

Mom: Good luck today baby, I'm so proud of you, and your dad would be too if he was here. I'm here watching from home. Love you sweet cakes.

My mom has always called me sweet cakes since I was little, I think it's, well, sweet.

Jayden: thanks momma, i love you.

Another text comes through and this time it's from Lizzie. She sends me a photo of her TV with the channel on the PCA's. You can see my really small in the right hand corner as they show shots of the stage from the overhead camera. I let out a small chuckle at how small and tiny I look, and also lame that I'm sitting here alone. Where is everyone else at my table?

Lizzie: reason #1532795 why I'm the bestest friend ever. Good luck!

Jayden: thanks lizziebear i luhh you muah

Lizzie liked your message

After I press send I kind of zone out a little in just pure boredom, but I am quickly taken out of my thoughts when I feel two hands on my shoulders.

"Boo!"

"Wha- Oh hey Hailee Hi, um Hi how are you?" I respond startled since I wasn't expecting her to greet me like that. I was expecting you know, a more conventional hello.

"I got you so good. Sorry did I scare you?" She asks while giggling.

"No no you're good. Just a little spooked." You look great by the way, I mean wow that red dress suits you so well."

It's a little awkward between us, as we don't really know what to say. When things get awkward I tend to look around and not make eye contact. My gaze falls to Ella and Anna, and they immediately look away when they notice me looking over. Then they start to almost whisper to each other. Did Hailee talk about me to them?

"Thanks Jay, you look really nice yourself. I love your belt." She compliments me and I already start to blush. Keep your self composed Jay.

"Oh um this? Yeah it's nothing."

"It's Gucci." Hailee says with a joking face.

"Oh haha yeah what I meant to say was- yeah I don't even know why I said that." I reply while laughing and putting my head down.

"Hey you're in Table 3 right? I'm here in Table 4. Is it okay if I switch with someone so I can sit next to you? I want to talk with you and get to know you. If that's okay of course.

Okay? It's more than okay, she doesn't even have to ask.

"Oh yeah sure let me ask someone. What about your friends?" I ask honestly.

"Ella and Anna? They'll be fine. When the show starts I'll slide back over." She tells me while looking back to Ella and Anna, waving to them and signaling she's going to sit with me. They both wave at me and at first I don't notice, but I return their wave with a nice warm smile and a short wave. If these are Hailee's friends I need to make a good impression.

"Sooo are you so excited! Female Athlete of the Year that's a big deal!" She tells me looking at me with this expression I can't explain. She seems so invested into our conversation, like she's 100% here with me. It's genuine.

"I guess you can say I'm a little excited." I lie.

"I'm gonna have to see you play one day, see what all the rage is about." She says sarcastically while bumping her arm into mine. Just that little skin to skin contact made me warm.

"I'd love for you to come to a game. Our next home game is this Friday, the 23rd. I can get you two tickets if that's okay."

"Omg yay, I'll be there! I'll send you the money for them." She tells me innocently.

"Hailee, they are on me. You'll be courtside I want you to have the best seats in the house."

"You're too kind Jay, thank you, seriously. Ugh I can't wait to tell Griffin!" She says while making small claps.

"But hey, if I don't perform at my best it's on you."

"What makes you say that? Do I make you nervous?" She says with a smirk.

"Noo totally not that at all. Yeah definitely not. I just... usually don't have visitors." I respond.

"Whatever you say Jay." She tells me, flashing me that beautiful smile of her.

The silence between us goes comfortable, and we are left staring at each other for a few seconds. Just smiling at each other, no talking, almost like a little staring contest. The more I speak with her the more she grows on me. I'm the first to break eye contact and look away to the stage. While I'm looking off into the distance, she places her hand over mine and starts to speak again.

"You know, I'm so glad I met you at Lizzie's party. I know our time there was short but I don't know, I've been feeling good since I met you."

I'm left at a loss for words. That was so sweet, to think that I can make someone else go about their day feeling good.

"I'm sorry, was that weird I just wanted to get that off my chest-"

"No not at all, I guess you can say I um. Feel the same way." I start to think again. Think about how she has made all the first moves so far, like asking for my number, texting me first, and greeting me first tonight. I need to show at least a little dominance, something I'm more confident doing in more... private scenarios. But when it comes to interactions anxiety takes over. So I decide to just say screw it and throw this out in the water.

"Hey um, do you want to like? I don't know maybe um. Yeah."

What the fuck was that. What just came out of my mouth. But somehow, some way, she understands me.

"Of course Jay, I'd love to go out with you sometime, I was hoping you would ask me that."

Oh my god she agreed.

"Oh um cool yeah. What about Tuesday? Tuesday night? I can maybe um, pick you up and we can go eat somewhere?" I say nervously. I hate making plans.

"That sounds really nice Jay. Let's talk about it on the phone later how does that sound?"

"Sounds great yeah. Really great." I say with a smile.

And just as our conversation ends, the light go up signaling the beginning of the awards.

"Thats my cue, I'll be a table over if you need me. Bye Jay, talk later!" She says while walking away and waving at me. That went surprisingly well. I start to clap as the host, Kenan Thompson comes out on stage. I look and in my table I'm joined by Emma Chamberlain, Sadie Sink, and Billie Eilish. Billie and I are actually friends, so I give her and Finneas a quick wave.

"Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 46th annual People's Choice Awards! Im your host Kenan Thompson from Saturday Night Live, and I'm so thankful to be here tonight hosting this amazing event. We have a lot of awesome people here tonight, and even more amazing awards, so let's get this show on the road!" And with that the claps start to erupt from all over the venue.

While the other awards go on, I kept wishing I had an itinerary of what the order of these awards would be in, because as of right now, my category could be next and I would have no idea.

"And for our 15th category tonight, we have The Music Video of 2020!" Kenan says while everyone claps. I look back to Hailee and give her a small thumbs up and she gives me a nervous smile.

"And the nominees are: Dynamite by BTS!"

The k-pop sensations are then seen on the big screen, all waving to the camera.

"Blinding Lights, The Weeknd!"

"Rain on Me, with Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande!"

The two pop stars are shown, Ariana hiding her face behind her sleeves out of nervousness.

"Life is Good, Drake and Future!"

Drake and future throw up peace signs and smiles while the camera cuts to them in their seats.

"Holy, Justin Bieber and Chance the Rapper!"

Justin gives an unexpressive smile with a short wave, while Chance gives a big smile to the camera.

"And lastly, Afterlife by Hailee Steinfeld!"

I try to clap as loud as I can without making it too obvious. I can't help but smile when they cut to her just behind me, smiling away with her precious smile.

"And the winner is..... Dynamite by BTS! Get up here guys!

Aw man. I was really hoping she won that one. At least she still has Dickinson. I turn around and give her a frowny face and she mouths that it's okay. It's clear she isn't here for the awards, she's just here to have a good time.

---

More and more awards seem to be handed and I am still wondering when the miscellaneous awards will be called. I'm assuming it would be more towards the end since Movies, TV, and Music is what this event is mostly known for.

Kenan then announces its time to give out the TV Show of 2020 award and I watch as all the other nominees appear on screen, until Hailee, Anna, and Ella appear when Dickinson is called.

"And the winner for TV show of the year is..." Kenan announces slowly while he has trouble opening the envelope.

"Give it up for Dickinson! Hailee Steinfeld, Ella Hunt, Anna Baryshnikov, Adrian Blake, and the list goes on!"

Hailee won! I watch as she passes my table on her way down to the state with Ella and Anna for their speeches. As she passes me she gives me a cute look and a small wink, a gesture I wasn't expecting while cameras were on her.

Once they get on stage, they all start to thank the audience and viewers at home, thanking them for the votes and for believing in the show. Hailee talks about Dickinson and how important Emily is in her life. They then all three grab the award and lift it up together. Hailee makes it back to her table and I mouth a little woo hoo to her and she mouths back thank you.

More awards continue until the TV category comes to a close.

"Alright everyone, we will be moving into our fourth, and final category for the night. Miscellaneous!

Alright here we go.

"For the first award of this category, we have Male Athlete of the Year!"

Kenan reads through the nominees and announces that LeBron James won, which is what I expected.

"Moving on to our Female Athlete of the Year, with the nominees being.."

"Simone Biles!"

"Serena Williams!"

"Alex Morgan!"

"Naomi Osaka!"

"Jayden Carter!"

After my name is called I hear Hailee give a loud while behind me.

"And lastly, Maya Higgins!"

Here goes nothing. I crack my knuckles and play with my fingers while I anticipate the announcement of the winner.

"And the winner for tonight is... give it up for Maya Higgins!"

That bitch. There's no way the people actually chose this. I clap against my own will and see as she walks from her table past mine, giving me a sneer look, telling me everything I need know about what she's thinking. I can't believe I have to hear this speech right now.

"Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart thank you for this award. It's an honor to accept this amazing award that represents the outstanding women who are athletes across all different sports, well not all of them are really women if I'm being honest but that's besides the point." She says while looking in my direction. A rage starts to build from head to toe and it gets increasingly hard to contain myself.

"To all the other nominees who actually qualify as women, this award is for you! It's all our award! Thank you again and have a great night everyone."

There's no fucking way she said that. I start to feel tears build in my eyes. So many emotions rise within me that I don't know which to focus on first. If I could walk out right now I could, but unfortunately I'm glued to my seat in anger. How could you say something like that on national television? I mean yeah it's known that have male genitalia but that doesn't make me any less of a woman. I identify as one, and I am proud to be a woman. But it's situations like these were I my identity feels like it's being ripped out of my chests that makes being intersex so difficult.

Oh gosh and Hailee just heard that too. Did she catch what Maya was saying? Is she going to be okay with that? Will she think I'm weird or a freak like everyone else? So many questions and what ifs run though my mind and I can feel my breathing start to get faster, my throat closing with every second. The worst part of this is, Maya is going to get away with this, getting a slap on the wrist at most.

I text my manager to see if there's any way I can leave as soon as the broadcasting of the event is over. Just a few more awards to go. Come on Jay you can hold your tears for a little while longer.

As I space out and my eyes go blurry, I notice my phone light up. I can barely read the texts due to the water thats glossed over my eyes, so I rub them and blink to allow me to read the text.

Hailee: are you okay?

Jayden: yeah. get home safe hailee

And with that, I turn off my phone and walk out.

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