28.10.2022

9:00 am

I'm at the clinic right now. The waiting area outside is full. So, I just know the waiting area inside is full. Everyone here seems older than me. I'm not exactly made uncomfortable by the presence of others. But I do wish it was about 4 to 5 people here instead. People are talking to each other. Some just started chatting with each other. God, this reminds me of that time I smoked weed with Risha and her friends. Weed sponsored by me. When it was just her and I for the first part of the day. I spoke hail over high-water. But with the other two around I was quiet as a mouse. I'm quiet as a mouse right now. Hoping they won't ask me anything. I got Black Sheep blasting in my headphones. I'm trying not to start dancing on the chair I'm sitting on.

An old man brought up how dangerous that was. Being in public spaces with headphones on. I thought about how I haven't experienced real silence in about a year. And this was my new that. Eh. I'll look both ways when I'm crossing the street.

9:36 am

I just got breakfast from Eve. Decided to go get some with the year's wait here. We hugged and gave each other kisses. I didn't mind that she had sweat on her face. And she didn't mind that I smelt of cigarette smoke. A lady at the shop gave me a morning word to carry with me for the rest of the day. Told me I was the apple of God's eye. Eve said that the Devil wasn't going to win in my personal battles. And it's odd. When she said The Devil, I thought of Him. And then I thought Yeah, no way he's gonna win. I'm stronger than Him. For all I know. He's probably more lovelorn than me. He always had a hard time hiding that.

9:40 am

In the waiting area inside. I remember... Let's say his name is Dr. Doctor. I can't remember his name. I was 16 or so at the time. Still in school. I'd actually gone there with Eve. I was worried about my general health. Told Eve I just wanted to go.

Most of, if not all my hospital visits and doctor's visits throughout my minorship were petitioned by me. I thought I should be a part of what I now know is a clinic. I didn't know what it was called then. I remember I was in my school uniform, But this was after my first obsession. And we we're living in Aleister's house then. So I had to be 16.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I remember his voice. And his short but full beard. He was giving me advice on how to avoid acid reflux. I asked him him, very politely, if as a general practitioner, if he kept in good health. I remember he laughed. And then talked about risking acid reflux for curry sometimes. I forgot Eve was in the room. I was startled when she spoke. Asked him a question I can't remember. But I remember him speaking to me. Now that I know better. He was just maintaining eye contact because teens have short attention spans. And he probably expected me to have a short attention span with looking at him....

You know.

In that way we looked at Edward Cullen in our minds.

In the way we looked at Carlisle Cullen when we first saw him on screen.

And if you haven't.

You will.

He was probably used to that. Knew how to deal with it well.

The memory made me feel sheepish. I wonder if he's married now.

Or still.

I can't remember the answer he gave me when I asked.

I didn't see him after that. I remember not going to the scheduled clinic date because he was too hot. I knew myself. Knew it'd be hard not to get myself in trouble (embarrass myself, he wasn't like that). So forgot all about being a part of clinic and getting my regular checkups. I'm suffering for it right now. But in hindsight. I think I made the best decision for myself. Well. I'm 113 pounds and missing 5 teeth. But still.

Best decision.

I saw Dr. Doctor Doctor instead. I remember our conversation back in 2019. Was a rough year for my health. She'd asked me what I do for a living. I didn't have the business name Maximalist Brands yet. But I told her about the hair oils. What she wanted though, was shampoo bars. And I thought it was odd I didn't think of that. I didn't have any chemicals to make shampoo. Hell, I still don't know how to make shampoo. But then I thought SHAMPOO BARS! THAT'S GENIUS! I'd made a few. They worked excellently. I'd just forgotten her. She seemed well. Hasn't aged a day.

9:03 pm

So getting a Medical Officer's Report, in regard to my back pain. Was not a success. I got a referral letter to P.O.S General. To confirm the diagnosis of Muscular Skeletal Atrophy. Which... In the system I know will take a few months regardless of if I'm steadfast about it:

I went to social welfare right away:

The interview with my officer was short and sweet, and my only slip up. Utility bill. I was so glad my business at the very least offered me freedom from needing Adam's sign off. I completely forgot about the utility, and that it's in his name.

Today he's up his own ass again. I'd gone to visit Eve, and he gave me $10 and dropped me off at the clinic. So he's the jealous Adam and King of the Nile. Acting like he owns the place. Like he's been doing me all these great favours. Hell, he does more for his friends than me. But that's none of my business. That's another thing I have to affirm to myself. That I'm 24 now. He dodged the child support draft. And dodged the support all together. That's what he did. I have to child support and support me now.

That's my responsibility now.

Well.

At least until I no longer need welfare.

Speaking of which. My officer made the process simple. Turns out. They don't do visits in my area.

Crime.

The process still takes roughly two months though.

I got accepted for Public Assistance, and not the food card. Not gonna lie I wanted both. But if I had to choose, Public Assistance is optimal. I can do more with money than I can with a mere food card.

29.10.2022

7:40 am

Good morning. I had an early night last night.

I meant to talk about my other phobia. Well. A past phobia.

And what better wat to introduce it than in chapter 8.

Octophobia.

There's a fucking name for it. Just googled it. Huh.

It was an inherited phobia. Eve had it, has it, or pretends to have it. I'm not sure. But what I am sure of is her telling me of the story of how her grandmother died on the 8th. Then a fatal car accident happened on the 8th. Some people she knew. They were close to her. Then there was the removal of anything 8-related from our lives. When giving birth to an offspring, she told me, that she had even asked the doctors to remove her from the 8th bed for a fear of death. Which, surprisingly, they did. But also, not surprisingly. Superstitions are taken seriously here. I had no real proof the number was bad luck for us, and frankly. I didn't want any. The phobia was so bad that I'd like Facebook posts if the like number was at 8 likes. Just to change it to 9 likes. When trying to get over the phobia. I just wouldn't interact with the post. I'd avoid clothes with the number 8 on it. We wouldn't leave the house on the 8th day of each month for the fear that some Final Destination bullshit would happen.

I remember the first time I went above and beyond to leave the house on the 8th. In my first round of deprogramming. It was a lucky day. I'd gotten a car to and from home almost immediately. I went grocery shopping. That was back in 2021. I remember feeling mad. Proud of myself. But still mad.

And from a superstitious point of view. I'm pissed. Because superstitiously, it would explain why I'm always so broke. Spirituality coins the number 8, 88 and 888 as money numbers. Right now my Coin app account name ends in 888. Wherever the number 8 is that isn't an immediate threat to my life I'll go. And I'm thinking. That maybe past me knew it was bullshit. Or maybe not. Depending on how you view it. You see, I'd found out that the place I'd go to for my weekend copulations, was addressed as #8... He was getting me a sim card and His addressed had to be used. When I heard Him go over his address my eyes opened wide. I'd already been there about a million times, and what was I gonna do? Break up with Him? No. I did not.

I wondered if that was the universe trying to break me out of the mindset that 8 was a bad number to associate with. And now that I'm thinking about it. I'll say he's The Devil. I'll say what I want. But for the most part. He took care of me and all my financial needs. So theoretically. That adds up. I'd say Have fun being broke to Eve.

And speaking of Him. I tried again to reach out to Him. He's not blocking me. But he's declining my calls. And I'm frustrated. I can only hope that this isn't the end end. But on another note, I could only hope I don't get a phone call months later when I've forgotten about the money he says I owe. Him. I'm confused about the particulars. First, I was in debt, then he forgave the debt, then he said I still owed him. I'd chosen to ignore him first I'll admit. I still feel the need to defend Him. So I'll just say he said somethings that made me almost get a restraining order.

What?

You thought that the restraining order thing was put on me?

Oh no.

But to be fair to Him. I'm not trying to reach Him about the money. Even with Public Assistance there's virtually no way I can pay him back right now. I just miss Him still. He was my love and best friend for 6 years prior to 2021. He was my favourite person. I felt like, with being a hermit, he was all I needed in someone else. The only lover, the only friend. I wish I hadn't put all my social eggs in one basket because now it's harder than ever to let Him go. And make friends. I would tell a therapist if I had one. See what advice they had to give. What they had to say. The not-a-quitter in me wants to keep blowing up his phone until he answers or blocks me. At least with him blocking me I'd know. He has no plans of speaking to me ever again. And the debt would naturally be forgotten. Maybe not forgiven. But I'd be free of it.

Regardless, I have to resist the urge to show up at his house. I have to remember that he didn't really love me.

I guess.

I dunno.

Maybe.

1:01 pm

I know I said finding Adam's bills all over his room was the easiest thing ever. But now that I need a utility bill for my Public Assistance approval. There's none to be found. Not in his drawer or on top of it. Where they'd usually be. I could've done without having to ask him for that.

Fuck.

1:07 pm

I'm getting the urge to reach out to a vine member right now. The last time I spoke to them was to ask if they could invest in Maximalist Brands. They didn't. It's not the reason why we're so estranged. That was already so. I thought the investment was something we could use to come to silver lining in our relationship, given that they're the type of person interested in advancement and success, but no. They weren't interested. They conversation was messy. They accused me of being swindle-like. I accused them of being selfish. But if I could speak to them right now. I'd just ask for advice. What I can do to get through the day to day. What I could do to be as successful as they are. I'd like to think they'd tell me to keep writing.

30.10.2022 9:47 am

I'd out to what's called Thanksgiving yesterday. When Eve told me I could stop by the house on 29th to see Jerome. I thought I was just getting an allowance to see her. It was from Adam did I learn there'd be a Thanksgiving.

Here. A thanksgiving could take place any day of the year, and is mostly held by Spiritual Baptists:'

It's basically a ceremony where the host invites others over to their giving of thanks unto God for getting them through trials and tribulations. Or for God blessing them abundantly in times of need and distress. Or simply. Some just want to praise God and enjoy the festivity and company of others.

I was a mess before I got there. I'd fallen into this odd depression all of a sudden. While writing yesterday, I'll admit. I think it had something to do with Him not picking up my calls or answering my messages. I think it had something to do with knowing The Older Loved One wouldn't respond to my calls. I also think it had something to do with me, for the most part, feeling extremely depressed about my circumstances. I don't have a bed. I don't have proper living quarters. I don't have any friends. No job. I'm unhealthy, struggling mentally. I'm 24. I'm a mess. All of that just came crashing down on me along with the feeling or being "heartbroken". Not lovelorn. No. Heartbroken. Your circumstances can break your heart too. Just as bad as anyone else can. Sometimes even worse.

I tried everything I could to shake the feeling off. I tried to be grateful for the Public Assistance approval I got, I tried to be grateful that I was getting to see Loved One soon. I tried listening Move Along by All American Rejects. That didn't work. I tried taking a smoke, twice. I felt fine during, but not after. I cried each time. I tried recording a video. I tried praying. I tried just breathing and relaxing. To no avail. The only thing that barely put a dent in it was telling myself that I won't feel this way forever. There's tomorrow, and the day after and the day after. BUt even that was barely enough.

I'm getting teary eyed right now as I'm going over all of it. But it's easier to bear. On our way out I'd told Adam that I needed a drive around the Savannah. I wasn't giving up on any of the alleviation methods I knew. He agreed. But it was a quarrel. He kept bringing up all the reason why I'd feel the way I do. I kept telling him to shut up, in between trying to get him to understand. Ultimately, I realized he did understand. He just didn't care really. He didn't mind making me feel worse. That's exactly how he needs me to feel to have the control he wants.

When I got to the Thanksgiving, I kept myself together in terms of not crying. But I kept needing to go lie down in one of the rooms inside. The heartbrokenness was now manifesting as tiredness. Eve kept calling me outside at different points. Mostly to help around with giveaway bags, other times the family needed to be outside for whatever certain rituals required us to be present. Don't ask me any much more about my religion because I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't really know much outside of the familiarity of it. Growing up in the faith. I still known more about the Anglican religion. That's the religion I was christened under, so I'd have a chance of going to a good school. Otherwise. I was a practicing Spiritual Baptist. Always had my head tied. Still always have my head tied.

I'd even snuck away from the ceremony to take smoke breaks here and there. Eve didn't catch me luckily. If she did it'd have been a scene. And for the most part I tried to stay around My Loved One as much as possible. I'd even told Eve that I was granted Public Assistance, and that I wanted to take Loved One to the movies.

She said no. Then I'd asked if I could come over again, with a movie and popcorn. I had to ask about a million times before she answered me. And finally, the deal was that I had to get The Other Loved One to come over. Then we'd have a deal. I laughed nervously. Saying You know that's a mission by itself, right?

I know Eve's doing anything she can to hermitize Loved One. I'd taken them into the room when no one was looking, I'd asked them when was the last time they went out. They couldn't answer. And as if Eve's hermit senses were tingling. She'd almost bust in the room saying that she needed me to do something.

I'd left Loved One with the word that they needed to pray for freedom. I simply can't see them having that without God's intervention. They even sound like Eve. Quoting her as though that's the only stream of consciousness they're exposed to. Only through Eve and what she says.

It's frightening.