1.11.2022 11:25 am

And just like clockwork Adam was on his bullshit again. I

'd watched some of Karuna Satori's ASMR videos to further calm me down. I went to sleep in no time despite the "energy" the Risperidone had me feeling. I'd woken up to two calls from Brent and A Guy. This was around 10 pm.

Reaching out to others proved to be beneficial.

A Guy asked if he could meet up with me then. Although I was tired, I still agreed to meet up. My desperation to escape the isolation was that bad. But luckily, I knew him a while now. I wasn't just jumping into an outing with a random stranger. When I agreed to go out, I went to Adam immediately to explain my situation to him. How I had a mental breakdown being in isolation for so long. And that the outing was needed although very late at night. I offered to give him information on who the person was and my whereabouts so he wouldn't have to worry. If he ever would be. He immediately wasn't in agreeance. Started bringing up all the reasons I shouldn't go instead of listening to my plight and understanding why my decision was necessary. He started to refer to me as a child again. Saying shit like children don't go out at night.

That made me angry, with turning 25 in a couple days. I chose to ignore him. I put water on the stove to go take a bath and went outside for a smoke. And that's when he locked the door on me. I couldn't believe it although not really being surprised. But still I was angry. This would be the 17th time he locked me out of the house unjustly.

And in the moment, I realized that that was his deterrence. My theory on him not wanting me outside or amongst others who may treat me better was correct. He was just like Eve. I still remember being dragged back into the house and having the gates locked up on me so I couldn't go to the hospital. I wondered why they never worked out. They're two abusive peas in the same pod. But I regress. I knocked and knocked. I yelled out to him. Then I decided to record a video in my frustration and anger. I posted it on my Kandake Journals YouTube page. I remember thinking that this needed to be recorded I needed to find people like myself. I felt absolutely tired of keeping quiet about it outside of my writing here. I remember posting a video of him in his violence and a vine member called me to take it down.

Said it's something I wouldn't want others seeing in the long term. And I took it down. Only to remember a TikTok I saw where a young woman like myself was talking about the narcissistic abuse she faces from her mother. In her situation her mother would be abusive and when the young woman fought back, the mother would go around spreading lies about her daughter being abusive. I remember seeing a YouTube video of a young man recording his father in his narcissistic rage. I remember thinking they weren't bad people or embarrassed by what they did. Matter of fact. It helped me to recognized patterns of my parents' behaviour. And they were brought to a point of seeking exposure in their videos. Like I am. I uploaded the video I took right away. No editing, nothing.

As of moments, ago I emailed HDC the videos I took. I can only hope it helps to fast track my not needing to wait for an allocation for so long.

I had to go to by Brent for shelter. And he accepted me with open arms. We chilled for a while up until A Guy messaged me. I told him what was going on and he didn't care. Said he still wanted to hang out with me although I looked like this:

After 1 in the morning, he'd come and get me with his car. We went to a place called "the look out". It's a place where you can overlook the city. All it's lights and buildings. There we spoke about a myriad of things. But one of the first things I noticed was how uncomfortable he seemed with the environment. As if paranoid. He did use the word. And his head would dart around as a car drove by or when someone else drove up to park at the look out. Surprisingly, for the most part. I remained calm. There was something comforting about it in a way. Knowing I'm not the only one like myself. We heard a gunshot go off and I barely flinched. That surprised me. It was like nothing. He, however, was tense. And I didn't think of him as crazy or odd for it. I'd opened up about the domestic abuse situation that I'm in. We had a small talk about emotional incest after A Guy made a comment about Adam seeming like "my man" with his possessive behavioural patterns. When I asked him if he moved out because of his parents he notioned to the treatment he got being like slavery. That too was comforting.

I'd gotten into a sub theory of my main theory on The Great Oppression. How black people in Western society were only freed so we could enslave ourselves. Our own. It's mostly done through parentage now. As with what happened with the Atlantic slave trade ending, and with master's then having to breed new slaves. Now. The decedents make their "freed slaves". I'd told him that we were the third generation of such (I count the generation starting with Aleister's generation, 1940's). How parents here just expect us to live for them the way slave masters expected slaves to. I'd divulged into the Caribbean History, and History I did while in school. Leading me to the conclusion of such. Especially in the poorer communities. Like the one I come from. He didn't have much to say on that. And that was okay.

I'd gone into a theory that the country was sitting on a crystal mine. Like there being many spiritual crystals underground. Crystals that can be sold like they do the clear quartz and rose quartz. He found my theory to be odd, as in he'd have never thought of that had I not discussed it.

We then spoke about dreams. I told him about my dream with the catapult pods and he told me about this dream he had. Being transported in a casket with a gold cross on it. On a train. He and other "precious cargo" were all in caskets as the train tried to get to its destination. There were soldiers guarding them all, but the train's tracks had stopped with the train whirring off course and stopping in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. The zombies he described were fast and animalistic. Like in 28 Days Later. He said there was this one guy he stuck around because he was an expert at shooting the zombie down. But after a while he became conscious that he was dreaming but couldn't leave the dream. So, he "used a power" that he had. Like charging up sonic energy within him to release and wipe out the zombies. The only thing that stopped him was his girlfriend at the time being there. When he saw her, he couldn't do it because she would be a part of the annihilated. And that was it. That was the dream.

I'd told him that it was good enough to be a short film. His dream. We'd gone over the basic stuff in our lives. I told him I was writing. He told me he didn't have a job but hustled as a taxi man. I'd told him that that was a job. A very respectable one. I'd honestly thought with his pouch and cigarettes. And a cap barely coving his eyes. That he was a drug dealer. Shit, I hoped he was a drug dealer. Maybe we could do some business. Make some money.

Our conversation, luckily. Did not get sexual in the slightest. I was glad for that. I dunno what I'd have done if it did. He for the most part just seemed tired and stressed. I'd asked him if he wanted to go to the movies once I get my welfare check, and he agreed. I'd also mentioned that we could just watch Mr. vampire at his place if he wanted. He ended up lamenting that his apartment just seemed like a place to rest his head because of how often he was on the go. I'd almost offered to give him a "professional non-professional" massage to ease his tension. But he didn't budge even with the joke I made about it. Which was fine.

He'd said something that I remember. He pointed out that no matter how high up an incline you go. The horizon is always at eye level. That's how we were able to see the city although we were technically at a much higher point than it.

With Adam locking me out of the house I had contemplated whether or not I should go to where Eve and my other vine members live. It was closer to the lookout than where Adam lived. But it's a good thing I chose to go back to Adam's house. A Guy dropped me off, and when I got to the house. Adam actually opened his door. I'm thinking he went through what I call narcissistic defeat. Where in doing what he did. It actually drove me to leave the house even more than it worked as a tactic to keep me at the house.

What I also found, to my anger and dismay. Was that the pot of water I left to boil on the stove. Was no longer a pot of water but just a pot under the fire. Leaving the kitchen area and living room in extreme heat. I'd saw that he took the time to out my orange candle I had safely lit but didn't think to check the stove after locking me out of the house. Adam could've very well been a dead man today had I chose to spend the night with Eve. A pot left on the stove by me being the culprit of his death.

3:49 pm

I haven't thought about sex much in these past few weeks. I've stayed out of my head. My fantasies, because reality is just too much in my face to think about it. I've had thoughts about just sleeping with anyone to get a release, but I can't brave that with how emotional I am. I'll get too attached. I know it. I'll expect more. That I know. And then there's me. I don't think I can give much besides sex right now. And I don't want that to be all I have to offer. I try to think of the positives of celibacy. Outside of my relationship with Him. Sex has only gotten me in trouble otherwise. I expected more when the men involved expected sex. Only pretending to want more. There're only so many times you can go through that before knowing better. Even with A Guy I kept my distance even though I find him ethereally handsome.

4:05 pm

I just came from taking a bath. I forgot if it was a day or two that passed where I hadn't.

2.11.2022 11:16 am

I woke up around 6 am today. But didn't finally wake up until around 10 am or so. The first thought that came to me, was what I should write about. The Toothpaste Hoax. I thought to write about that. It'd give a good idea of how indoctrinated I was growing up. Made to believe the oddest of things. I think that was Eve's way of testing the waters of how much we would believe in her words and statements. Her toothpaste hoax. Was getting me and other vine members to believe that our teeth would rot using Colgate, and that Aquafresh was the superior toothpaste of all. And it worked. Up until about 2 years ago. That's another thing I'm pissed about. She made us believe in and do the oddest things as a part of her indoctrinative tactics.

I remember a time there was a glass candle outside. It had just finished lighting, as rainfall was about. A little water had gotten into it. And she told me to drink it. The candle was lit for spiritual protective purposes so drinking the rain water in it would prove to be beneficial. Her words. I know now that that was a lie. She just wanted to see who I'd believe more. Her or my concern. Ultimately I drank it. I was still a minor then and she was my caregiver. I had to listen, but what I did do. Was do a google search on what was happening to me because a headache immediately followed the downing of said water.

Turns out the paraffin wax that settled at the bottom was making me ill, caused the headache. I had immediately showed Eve what google said was happening. And she said nothing. Well, I'm thinking she gave an Alright. But nothing else was said. I'd google my symptoms in hopes that that wouldn't be the new odd thing we have to do. Least another vine member starts having adverse side effects.

I could go on. There was a time we'd gone to the pitch lake. Eve had found remnants of wood in the pitch. And I'm not sure what the thought process was. But she'd told us there was "healing" in the wood. When we went home she started putting the wood in water and drinking it as a form of healing. I stayed far from that. Would go to the toilet or in the backyard whenever she started up with that.

And with opening up about that. I feel the need to get into the worse of it. I've been locked in many times. But could you imagine being locked in for just wanting to go to the hospital?

That's what happened to me.

This was back in 2021. Had to be about late April. When Covid-19 was high and nigh. Here we all still had to stay home. I was getting problems with Eve and my Maximalist Brands business. She didn't want me doing deliveries by myself and whenever I did, she would cut me off from the help I needed. Like with making Mothers' Day bags and getting customers. I really needed her for that, and she would leverage that over me. Other times she would aim to sabotage deliveries by telling me she'd get a delivery person only for hours to pass and then she'd tell me they didn't pull through. This started happening to often before I realized she didn't want me leaving the house without her. If she couldn't get a delivery person, she'd just buy time until it was night.

That wouldn't be the breaking point, however.

What would be it was me needing to go to the hospital one day because I was sick. It was during a Covid-19 high, but the pain was so bad I was willing to risk it. And it was a hospital I was going to. I reckoned I was safe there with the safety protocols they had to follow. Eve did not agree. Went all doom and gloom to try to fearmonger me into staying home. But I said no. That I was fed up of her sabotaging my business because she knew she could. Sabotaging my freedom because she knew she could. I was preparing to leave the house when she told me her heart was racing and that she was scared. I reckon if fearmongering didn't work, she thought guilting would.

I, in all my anger and frustration, told her to let it race as I was walking out the kitchen door. And she, despite having a racing heart had grabbed a hold of me and dragged me back into the house, telling other vine members to lock the gates so I wouldn't get out. I'd ended up hitting her, while screaming. Let me go, let me go, let me go. To no avail. Long story- short. I'd leave the house but not without calling the police first, and not without a vine member in the police force trying to deescalate the situation over the phone before police could reach the house. Nothing would come of the hospital visit. But I was glad I fought for my freedom. I fought back.

But ultimately it wouldn't be a won battle.

I came "home" to find all the food removed from the cupboards and what remained in the fridge I couldn't touch for my "disrespect" as Eve would call it. I was at the lowest weight I ever was then. Skin and bone as they would call me. And my weed addiction wasn't helping. I was drying up slowly but surely. The situation left me with no choice but to reach out to Him. We'd broken up on the first day of 2021. I hadn't reached out to him for months. I didn't want to but, in my desperation, I found myself bawling and calling him again. And a long story short. He gave me $10,000 to take care of myself and Said while Eve was withholding. She didn't just cut me off no. Cut off Said too for a similar but different reason.

Our conversation was messy. I knew He hated me and had every right to. But it was then I was hoping we could patch things up. Not think about the bad times but the good. For The Good Times. Like that Al Green song. But ultimately, he would go no contact with me again. And that's what I would eventually end up owing him. Money. I'd give him the world if I could. I had planned to. I wanted to make up for each Valentine's, birthday and Christmas that I missed. He'd get a lovely suit, a nice watch, a gaming system and his money back. And that love letter he never got.

And even with him not replying. Not answering my calls or texts. I still want to manifest that destiny.

The destiny where He would see how much He meant to me.

How much He means to me.

Still.