I remember when Evan was alive. I always used to make breakfast for the two of us before school. I've never been a fan of food. I don't have an eating disorder or something, I just don't really care about myself enough to eat. The only reason to why I made breakfast before was Evan. I just wanted to give him food, not me. That was actually what I did for a while before Evan asked me about it.

May 21, 2016

''Em, why don't you eat breakfast when I do?'' Evan asks me and I squeeze his cheeks before answering.

''I don't need it as much as you do" I smile to him before picking up his plate to wash it.

''But, if I need it, then you need it to! And it's boring to eat alone", he says.

''Okay fine, i'll make some for me too."

So back then, I actually had a reason to make food and now I don't. I simply walk by the kitchen before grabbing a gray hoodie, pulling it over my head.

''Bye mum, take care'', I shout. No answer. Why do I even keep talking to her?

I start walking to school, receiving a lot of glances because i'm wearing jeans and a hoodie in this weather. It's not raining yet, but it's about to start I think. Los Angeles is pretty cold this time of the year, especially now when the weather sucks overall. I'm freezing as fuck. Why didn't I put a jacket on? Gosh, i'm stupid. Quickly, I remind myself. I can't be complaining about this shit. Worse things are going on in this fucked up world.

Finally, I'm here at last. After getting my stuff from my locker, I open the door to the classroom. One minute late. Everyone is sitting in pairs by the tables. Everyone, except one. Billie. Right, the group project.

''Hi, Ms. Clayton. You'll be working with Billie to-'' Mr. Wilson starts but I cut him off.

''Yes, yes I know", I mumble before sliding down in the chair next to Billie. Everyone's watching me in envy and I just roll my eyes.

"You can start working now", Mr. Wilson says before returning to working on his computer.

"So, you are the one who caused that scene yesterday, aren't you? What's your name?" Billie asks. It actually surprises me that she just says something like that from nowhere. To be honest, a lot of people don't talk to me, because they're simply scared of me telling them to fuck off or something. The only one who talks to me with attitude is Mr. Wilson, and he is a teacher.

"Yeah, it's me, but it's not something new. That fucking idiot kicks me out every other class, man", I mumble with a chuckle. ''And my name is Ember.''

"Ember? Cool name. I'm Billie", she says. ''Okay, so the project. You weren't here yesterday but Mr. Wil- or sorry, "that fucking idiot" as you would call him gave us a subject" Billie explains before pulling out a paper from her bag and putting it on the table between us.

"Save the penguins", I read out loud. "Really? Is that what we're going to work with?" I giggle, looking at Billie in disbelief and she nods, chuckling.

"Well let's start, I don't want him to kick me out again", I mumble while opening my computer.

One hour later

"That's it. The class is over. I want the work to be done on thursday so you guys have one more day to work on this", Mr. Wilson says and we all pack our things.

Working with Billie wasn't as bad as I though it would be.

''Ember, before you leave, give me your snapchat so we can talk about the penguin stuff", Billie says when i'm about to leave.

''Sure, I love to talk about penguin stuff", I chuckle and she hands me her phone so I can type in my name.

''Ember Clayton zero two'' She reads out loud when I hand her the phone back. ''Oh, y'all were born in 2002, right?'' she asks.

''Yeah, wait. How old are you?'' I ask her.

''I'm seventeen, so one year older than you. I feel like a fucing grandma or something", She answers, making me laugh.

''See you around, Ems'', she says with a smirk before leaving the classroom, making me think about the new nickname. Ems. Sounds weird. But I kinda like it.

I eat with Ava and Liam as usual and they are both very excited about mine and Billie's penguin project.

''Did she sing?'' Liam asks.

''C'mon Liam, why the hell would she sing?'' Ava asks and I agree with her.

''I don't fucking know, but she's a pretty dope singer. Her music is next level.'' He answers, raising the glass of water to his mouth. Maybe I should give her music a try as well?

''But seriously, Em. Was she nice or was she a bitch?'' Ava asks me, running a hand through her messy blonde hair.

''Well, I don't know her at all yet. We were literally talking about penguins for an hour but from the little I know she seems to be okay. We'll see if she texts me or something", I say, looking down at my food, knowing that it will probably be my only meal for today.

''Text you? She gave you her number?'' Liam asks. Oh my god, these questions really make me annoyed.

''Snapchat", I simply answer before starting to eat for real. I try to eat as much as I can so those two idiots can understand that i'm busy eating and not here for an interview.

I don't really feel like hanging out with anyone right now, so I simply just slide down on the floor in the scool lobby and start to think.

I really want to kill myself. Or, I would like to kill everyone around me. I haven't decided yet. One thing is sure. I don't want to live. I don't think that one can survive without love and I KNOW how corny that sounds, but it's true. No one loves me, and I know what you're thinking: ''But Em! Of course someone loves you! There's always someone!'' but trust me. No one loves me, or at least not anyone who's with us.

Sometimes I wonder if my dad ever cared about me. My mum never wanted a daughter. She wanted a boy for whatever reason, so when I was born she just waited so she could get another child. Evan was born and mum didn't love him either, but she pretended to love him, because at least he was something that she wanted. When he died that rainy day mum got depressed and as I said, blame it all on me. My. Mum. Hates. Me. My dad would care for me sometimes, though. When my mum yelled at me, or made me feel bad he would sometimes be there for me to talk about it. It didn't happen often, but it meant much to me and it showed me that he maybe wasn't an evil man.

The thoughs about my family always makes me feel guilty. Guilt is such a heavy feeling for me. I don't really care about myself. If something happens to me, I won't be sad. What I do care about though, is if something will happen to someone else because of me. When I feel guilty, nothing helps, except alcohol and ciggarettes. There are just three classes left so it doesn't really matter if I leave now. I open up the door to the school, feeling how the cold wind hits me in the face. I pull my hood ove my head and sit down on a bench before pulling out my cigarette pack from my pocket. I put one in my mouth and light it. It's still pretty cold outside, but warm enough for me to not freeze in my hoodie. I blow the smoke out I instantly feel more relaxed. It always helps.

I decide to go home after smoking on that bench. Nothing's really going on in school anyways. Mum's not home so I lay down on my bed to listen to some music.

You live in my dream state

We're lowkey my fantasy

I stay in reality

You live in my dream state

Any time I count sheep

That's the only time we make up, make up

You exist behind my eyelids, my eyelids

Now I don't wanna wake up

Suddenly, the music stops and I hear a notice-sound from my phone.

Snapchat from Bil