Bottle after bottle, smoke after smoke. After the fight, I'd gone straight to a bar, my bar, and gotten wasted. I'd started three bar fights before the owner dragged me upstairs to his apartment and dumped me on the couch.

Thank god he knew me. He let me stay over the few nights I was away from Charlie in a drunken haze. He bought me cigs and gave me booze. I'll owe him big for that, but I couldn't care less at the time.

After our second fight, I'd returned to the bar and gotten drunk all over again. Owner asked me what was wrong and I threw a bottle at his head before storming out and taking my bike. I guess that's how I ended up here.

I open my eyes to a blinding light and hiss, my whole body in pain. "Gah, what the fuck?"

"Language, Ethan!" A woman berates me and I frown.

Mom?

The light clicks off and is replaced by a stranger's face. "Thank god you're awake, Mr. Dechart." The stranger shakes his head and pats my shoulder. I wince and feel a body crush mine.

I look down and see Ry crying his eyes out into what looks like a hospital gown. I focus on the stranger again and realize he must be a doctor. "What—"

"You were in an accident, Ethan." The voice from before, who I'm now positive is my mother, tells me soothingly. "To think, we'd just gotten moved in and the first call I get is from a hospital telling me my boy almost got himself killed, again."

I look down at myself. My arm and one of my legs are in casts and my body is covered in cuts and bruises along with a few gashes. My head aches like the hangover from hell and I groan. "I'm sorry, Ma."

"You were drunk, Ethan." She grabs my hand and squeezes. "You know better than this, what the hell happened?"

That's when it all comes crashing down on me again and I can't hold back my tears. Everyone rushes forward to comfort me and I just lay numbly in the bed, sobbing my eyes out. I can't feel their comfort or their love.

The only comfort I want is his.

I don't even know what happened. I tried to make sense of it, I really did, but Charlie threw accusations at me with every word and I didn't have time to defend myself, much less understand him, before he'd stormed off again.

I don't know what to do but I know he doesn't want me. Whatever I did, it broke us and he hates me now.

I hate me too.

Ryder stays with me long after the family leaves, both of us silent as I stare straight ahead, my chest twisted into knots.

I just wanted to be there for him, but he wouldn't tell me why he couldn't let me. He can't expect me to fix something if I don't even know what's broken.

Well, now I'm broken. And who the hell knows what state he's in. He can't yell at me for leaving when he's the one who told me to go. That first night, I'd always intended to go back, but he just kept putting words in my mouth, he wouldn't listen, he'd spiral into some state of mind I couldn't possibly understand, and then threw me out like the latest in his line of deceived whores.

I bet the others loved him too and that's why he got rid of them, why he got rid of me, because for some unknown reason, he can't stand the thought of being loved.

I couldn't help falling in love with Charlie. I'd agreed to the rules before I knew him, before I knew how perfectly we fit together.

I've loved before, and deeply too, but the only person I've ever been in love with is Charlie. When I wake up, I look for him because I expect him to be with me. I can see living the rest of my life with him and losing him has torn a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever fully heal.

I wanted to go back more than anything, but if he wants me out then fine, I'm out. Fuck him.

"Why are you covered in coffee?" Ryder asks, cutting the tense silence in half.

Damn, I hadn't even bothered to take a shower. But then again, where would I? I don't have a home anymore.

"Mom said she's gonna contact your school," Ryder tries again, "get all your work so you can finish the year out while recovering at home."

I nod with a grunt. Better that than have to face Charlie every day. He made it clear that he never wants to see me again.

"So," I sigh deeply. "You bastards are taking me back in?"

Ryder smiles. "Oh, so he speaks!"

"Shut up, brat." I ruffle his hair.

"But yeah, mom insists you come home because apparently you can't take care of yourself." He gives me a pointed look.

I sigh. "That's not what happened."

"Then what did happen?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why?"

I look down at him. "Because if I say it out loud I might just get back on my bike and crash it again."

Ry's eyes widen. "You did this on purpose?!"

"No!" I snap and wince when he flinches. "I'm sorry. No, I didn't do this on purpose. At least, I don't think so. I don't remember shit."

Ryder's eyes fill with tears and he hugs me again. "Ethan... I was so fucking scared. Last time this happened, we almost died and... and..." He sniffles.

I pet my brother's chest length, dirty blond hair. "It's okay, Ry. I'm here, I'm alright."

"Even Kaz cried!" He wails, speaking of our little sister, Kaisley. "Kaz never cries!"

"Hey, hey, shhhh." I soothe him and he starts to calm down. "I'm okay now."

"But you're not." He wipes his eyes. "You're still hurt, on the inside."

"Yes, well, the doc did mention internal bleeding—"

Ryder rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean!"

"It's personal, Ry." I give him a look that tells him to drop it. He just sighs and we fall back into uncomfortable silence.

♥︎ • ♦︎ • ♣︎ • ♠︎

A week later, I'm released from the hospital. My phone's been blowing up with texts from the crew, but I ignore them. I don't want to deal with their pity or their advice. I don't want to deal with anybody anymore.

I've been wearing my dad's old clothes since I haven't been able to go back and get mine with my broken leg. I don't want to clear the apartment completely because some stubborn part of me still believes I can fix this. I'll go back one day and I'll beg. But right now, he needs space, so I'll give him space.

I do miss my shit though, so I invite Ryder to go on a little road trip when I'm positive Charlie will be in class. I don't want to bring him, I don't want him to see, but at this point I don't have a choice.

Ryder parks in the parking garage and I'm feeling my stomach twist. I want to cry again, but I stuff it down. I double check for Charlie's car while Ryder gets my wheelchair out. He helps me into it and we take the elevator up, memories coming back to me, stabbing me like millions of tiny needles to the heart.

I remember our fun, highly entertaining rides up, our exhausted rides, our heated rides because we knew once we were home we'd be all over each other. I crave his touch, his voice, his scent.

Once we enter the apartment, the dam breaks and I start crying, but I don't let it distract me. I point Ryder to my room and instruct him on what to pack. I take half my clothes and the box of memories.

Once that's done, I have Ryder take me to Charlie's room.

"This isn't a girl's room." Ryder observes.

"Great job, you want a medal?" I mutter sarcastically and wheel over to Momo's cage. "Hey, sweetheart."

She freezes, watching me unblinkingly before tilting her head slightly to the side, her nose twitching before she comes closer to me.

"I'm sorry Momo, Dad is going away for a while. I still love you." I reach my finger inside and pet her head. "Please take care of Charlie."

She snuggles against my finger and makes a noise in recognition, staying as close to me as possible.

I pet her for a little longer before moving away. I glance at Charlie's bed, remembering all the times I've woken up in it, graced by his handsome face.

I wheel over to his dirty clothes hamper and grab a shirt before turning to Ryder. "Let's go."

He heaves the backpack of clothes onto his shoulder and grabs the handles. "You're acting like this was a breakup..."

"Maybe it was." I look over at him. "Your gay ass doesn't get to judge me."

Ryder giggles and wheels me out of the apartment without another word. Once we're back in the car, I sigh deeply and hug the shirt to my chest.

Ryder looks at me. "I hope you can tell me about what happened one day."

"I will, Ry." I ruffle his hair. "I just need some time."

Ryder nods and drives us back home. I watch the apartment disappear in the distance with a hole in my chest.

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