It's been a few weeks and Ryder's late. It's about ten at night and I'm starting to get worried. He's been having some trouble with a boy at his school, just some minor teasing for now.

I pull our LaZ-Boy into the middle of the entry hallway and sit in it with my hands folded and wait. He finally comes home and I smirk. "You came home awfully late."

Ryder rolls his eyes. "What are you, my mom?" He scoffs and tries to walk passed me, only to feel my arms wrap around his middle as I wrestle him to the ground. Ryder punches at me weakly and I laugh, rolling us around until I've got him pinned.

"Who was the guy?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows. If he was gone this late and is clearly fine, maybe he was fooling around.

Ryder rolls his eyes again. "My tutor, my grades are shit and I was forced to get one."

I chuckle and flick his ear. "Ohhhh, I see, a 'tutor'." I make quotation marks as I say the word.

Ryder sticks his tongue out at me. "Just let me up, jerk."

"Yeah, sure." I get off and pull him up. "Your tutor's not that dickwad who tripped you, right?"

Ryder narrows his eyes. "Why would you think that?"

"'Cause," I look out the window to get a good luck at the guy in the car who'd dropped Ryder off. "You said he was hot and that guy was hot."

"How would you even know?" He gets up. Right, he still believes I'm straight. I know I'll have to tell him sometime and I'm not sure why I'm delaying it but I just don't feel ready even though I know for sure that he'll accept me. "And yeah, he is but we made up."

"Made up or made out?" I wiggle my eyebrows. I love teasing Ry and he's always been so innocent so it's amusing to imagine him ever actually doing something sexual.

"Up." Ryder asserts and heads towards the stairs.

I just laugh. "Whatever you say~"

I start pushing the chair back into the living room where it belongs.

"Hey, mister hotshot!" Ryder calls and I go upstairs to pop my head in our bedroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know anyone named Charlie King?"

I freeze, my lips parting and my heart rate increasing.

Charlie

Do I know Charlie? Yes. I know him much too well, intimately, but also, apparently, not well enough.

I feel my chest tighten and I know I'm about to cry but I try not to show it. I simply shift in the doorway. "Yeah, how do you know him?"

"He's my tutor's older brother." Ryder explains and I nod, not looking at him.

"He's... he's my friend."

"Oh? You have a friend?" Ryder teases.

I narrow my eyes, no longer in the mood for his antics. "Is that it?"

"No," Ryder studies me. "Do you know?"

I sigh loudly and lean against the doorway. "Know what?"

Ryder fiddles with his hair, something he does when he's anxious. "He, uh, well, he tried to kill himself. He's in the hospital."

My heart stops and I stare wide eyed at Ryder, feeling as if my whole world has just fallen apart. I feel empty, hollow, and terrified and my fight or flight system kicks in.

Charlie... my Charlie tried to kill himself...

He was hurting and I wasn't there.

I need to see him now.

My shocked expression turns to a determined one. "What hospital?"

"I don't know."

"Well then FIND OUT!" I shout and Ryder flinches, pulling out his phone, presumably to text Charlie's brother. I've never yelled at him before and I can see his hands shaking in fear. Fuck.

After a minute, he rattles off an address and I'm already out the door before he even finishes. "Text it to me! And watch over Kaz!"

I can hear him calling me, but I ignore him, grabbing my keys and rushing out the door. Thank god my leg is healed and thank god I've fixed my bike. I know I shouldn't be driving it so soon after the accident, but I need to get to Charlie as fast as I can and this is the best way.

I jump on and drive, forgoing any and all safety gear. I check the address and reach the hospital within fifteen minutes. I park and let the bike fall to the ground while I run inside, tears streaming down my face. I reach the front desk and wipe my eyes.

"Where is Charlie King?"

The receptionist glares at me. "Sir, it's past visiting hours."

"You don't understand," I plead, "he's- he's my boyfriend. I need to see him now."

"You can come back during visiting hours." The woman repeats firmly and I slam my hands down on the desk, my desperation, fear, and frustration all pouring out at once.

"What fucking room is he in?!" I shout and the woman quivers. I slam my hands down again. "WHAT FUCKING ROOM?!"

"Woah, calm down, both of you." An auburn haired male comes onto the scene. "Charlie King's visiting hours are whenever the fuck I say they are." He crosses his arms.

I whirl on him, about to cuss him out when I recognize him. "You. You're the tutor guy, Charlie's brother, Xander."

He nods and eyes the receptionist before motioning with his head to follow me. "Yeah, I'm Xander, Charlie's little brother. You look like someone I know's older brother. Are you Ethan Dechart?"

"Yes." I try to calm down. "I need to see Charlie. Where is he?"

"Follow me and I'll show you." He hums, fishing something out of his bag and handing it to me. "He wrote you one too, I guess. He didn't write a last name."

I take the envelope gingerly, feeling the tears coming back. "He wrote me... is this—" I can't finish the sentence, I can't say it out loud. Is this a suicide note?

Xander nods. "Yeah. He wrote six in total. One for me, one for each of my parents, one for you, one for some Carmen, and someone named Scout. He also wrote a will, but I refused to open that. It was really terrifying when I found him. He's just woken up today. It's been about four days since I found him. They had to pump his stomach and I gave him a lot of blood, but he's going to survive." He wipes his eyes. "He tried to overdose and slit his wrist and when I came to visit him, Momo was freaking out in her home and then I found him in the bathroom."

I shake and have to lean against the wall for support. "You found him?" I can't imagine what it would be like if I found my brother like that. God, that's horrible. I feel so weak and useless, I was stupid to leave him, I shouldn't have left him alone. He hates being alone and I knew that but I left anyway. "I, uh, I know Carmen and Scout. They're our friends from college."

Xander exhales. "Yeah, I found him, and according to the letter, I'm also the executor of his will that I don't know what to do with. He also asked me to make sure you read the letter. He said it explains everything."

I squeeze my eyes shut and slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor, my knees curled up against my chest and I sob. I need to see Charlie but I need to know what happened first. "Could you... give me a minute?" I ask Xander and slowly open the envelope.

He nods and steps back to give me space. I take the letter out and unfold it, beginning to read.

Dear Ethan,

If you're reading this, I'm probably gone. Before I get into this, I want you to know that I love you and I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you.

My whole life, I had major clinical depression. I was diagnosed at just eight years old and it was really hard sometimes. It was hard to be happy and it was hard to be around people without feeling empty. I didn't want a relationship like that with you. I didn't want you to feel like I didn't care, that you cared for me more than I cared for you. I didn't want to bring you down. I loved you too much and I didn't want you to have to concern yourself with my mental illness. It's really hard to be with someone who is so empty all the time and I knew that it could make the other person depressed. It'd happened in a relationship before with me and they became my caregiver instead of an actual boyfriend. My brother has bipolar disorder and when his depression was really bad, it affected mine. You're just so bright and happy and I didn't want to see that go away, ever. I loved you too much.

If you're blaming yourself, please don't. Your absence didn't cause this, it just didn't make it any easier. You're not the reason I'm dead. You're the reason I was alive for so long. I had known for a while that I might do this. It was actually part of the reason why it was so hard for me to talk about a future for myself, I simply didn't see one. There was no growing old, getting married, having a kid, or even being the journalist I had always wanted to be. It was always me pretending, wearing a mask so that no one would notice my struggles. I'd been told that I shouldn't have depression before, that I was rich, privileged, and had everything that I could ever want. It was hard to talk about my depression because of this. It's like coming out all over again.

Sometimes I wished that we could have done more, could have been more. It would have been nice to do something reckless, to elope somewhere or even get married by impulse in Las Vegas. Loving was just hard for me and I'd hurt many that I cared about just from existing. My depression brought down my whole family. My mother constantly worried about me and she sent me texts in the morning because she was afraid that I would feel too alone. I didn't want people to fear for me, I just wanted to feel safe and like a positive addition to everyone's lives. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to make people smile, laugh, and go help them. I wanted to fill them with so much joy that I could ignore the constant sinking feeling in my heart. It just didn't work out the way I wanted to. Being a people pleaser became too suffocating. I was in a whole major just to please my father, spending money on textbooks and studying countless hours, and for what? To be a clone of my father? I just wanted to at least try to be free, but I was forever caged by expectations of my own family, my own father. I couldn't tell him because I loved him. I wanted him to be proud and I was scared that if I didn't do it, that my little brother would have to and I couldn't bear that. I wanted him to be free to be his own person in the way that I couldn't. Hopefully with me dead he still can be and hopefully with me dead, you can find a relationship worthy of everything you are.

Ethan, Ethan, Ethan, I love you and I hope that you don't forget about me. Don't cry over me, but just don't forget me. Move on and fall in love. Get married. Have children. Become that amazing archeologist and listen to Queen until the cows come home. Why? Because you deserve it and I know that even though my life wasn't perfect, I never regretted a single moment with you in it.

Love,

Charlie

I bury my head in between my knees and cry. I don't know how long I sit there but it's a while. When I've finally processed everything I wipe my eyes and stand. I fold the note and put it in my back pocket. "Okay. I'm ready. Take me to him."

Xander nods and bites his lip as we ride in the elevator. "Please don't get mad at him."

I shake my head. "I couldn't be mad at him."

"Did you two...?" Xander looks at me and then back at the elevator doors. "You probably did."

"I love him." I say it because it's true, because Xander deserves to know, because I'm no longer afraid of my feelings. I understand now why Charlie wouldn't tell me, why he was so angry and hurt. I thought he didn't love me back but he does and I refuse to hide my feelings any longer.

Xander plays with his hair, reminding me of Charlie. "Your brother said you're straight."

I chuckle and sniffle. "I'm not. He just doesn't know yet."

"I won't out you. Don't worry. Though he's pretty gay, so I doubt it's anything to worry about." He forces a smile and leads me down a hallway once we reach our floor.

I follow him quietly, feeling more and more nervous the closer we get.

Xander stops at room 208 and breathes before opening the door. "Charlie, you have a visitor."

"W-Who?" A quiet voice asks. "Nobody knows. You didn't even give Momo to Ethan like I told you to."

My heart clenches. He planned to give Momo to me? He loves Momo more than anything and I feel proud that he would trust me enough to take care of her.

I take a step inside, into the light, and take in the sight before me, whispering his name. "Charlie..."

Bloodshot eyes meet mine and he stiffens, covering himself more with his blanket and shaking. He's lost a lot of weight and he's hooked up to a lot of machines and an IV. He doesn't look like he's eaten and his skin is a lot paler than usual, his hair even longer too so that it hangs in his face despite it not being straightened at the moment.

"Xander, call the doctor. I'm seeing things."

I take a hesitant step closer. All I want to do is run over to him and hug him but I don't want to scare him and I don't want him to kick me out. "No, Charlie, I'm really here. I'm here for you."

"Ethan?" He blinks, covering himself self consciously. "Don't look at me. I look like shit."

"No, it's okay." I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I hold them back. I take another step, one more and I'll be by his side. "I don't care what you look like. I'm just so glad to see you."

"But... you left."

"I didn't want to and I always planned to come back, I just thought you needed space. That's why I never took all my stuff." I explain. "Please... god, Charlie, I'm so sorry." I feel the tears slip down my face and this time I can't stop them.

"I'm sorry I made you cry again..." Charlie looks and sees his brother is gone.

"Don't be, it's okay, everything is okay now." I take the last step and stare lovingly into his eyes. "I'm just happy you're here." My hand hovers over his cheek. I want to touch him but I don't know if he'll let me.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." He turns his face and kisses my hand.

I break and rest my hand against his cheek and lean down, crushing him in a hug. "Fuck," I whisper, his touch, his smell overwhelming me. "I love you. I love you so much."

He starts crying. "I'm sorry."

I lean back slightly and wipe his tears with my thumb. "It's okay. I'm sorry. I should've been there to help you. I want to help you, Charlie. I always did."

"I... I don't want you to just take care of me..." He whispers.

"I know," I smile sadly, "and I won't. But I can support you."

"What if I bring you down?"

"You won't." I caress his cheek. "It's okay if you feel down or empty. My brother has dealt with a lot of depression before, I know how to live with someone with it and not have it hurt me. You won't ruin me. I promise. You are more than your depression."

"I love you." He closes his eyes and leans into my hand.

I start crying again but this time it's happy tears. I take his hand in my free one and sit down on his bed, continuing to caress his skin. "I love you too and I'm never going to leave you ever again."

"Please don't." He kisses me. "I kept having nightmares that something happened. Did you drop out...?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn't drop out. Something happened and I decided to finish school at home. I've been living with my family."

"What happened?" He narrows his eyes.

I squeeze his hand. "It's not important."

"Oh... it was my fault."

"No, it wasn't, I was just stupid. It's not your fault."

"You fucking got in another accident, didn't you?"

I bite my lip and nod. "Yes but I'm okay now."

"Now?" His eyes widen and he grips my shirt.

"There were some injuries.. .but it's nothing too bad." I assure him.

"What did you break?"

"My arm, my leg, a few fingers and toes. I also had a mild concussion and a few gashes." I admit.

"Which hand? Can you still draw?" He grabs my right hand with his own right hand. He hasn't moved his left arm this whole time, keeping it hidden under the blanket.

"It was my left, I can still draw." I promise him, touched by his concern.

He squeezes his eyes shut. "I don't want you near that bike, but you love it, so I can't stop you."

"I'll put it away in the garage. I won't ride it again if you don't want me to." I kiss his hand.

"Just a break. I'd rather you quit smoking." He smirks.

"I'll do that too." I decide, willing to do anything he asks me to right now.

Charlie gives me a small smile and motions for me to lie down, moving over a little more so I can properly fit. His hand finds my hair and he begins to play with it. "I missed you, Ethan. I didn't like waking up without you. I'm sorry I pushed you away."

I lie down next to him. "I missed you too. I'm sorry for everything I said."

"Do you still want to be my boyfriend...?" He blushes.

I feel myself blushing too and smile widely. "Yes! Yes, I've wanted that for so long."

Charlie cuddles into me and slips his hand under my shirt, resting it on my chest to feel my heartbeat. "This... This means you'll move back in and we can be almost like normal, right?"

"Yes." I kiss him gently. "And we don't need to be normal, as long as we love each other I'll be happy."

He hums and kisses my neck. "I'm not allowed to leave yet. They don't think I'm stable enough."

I nod, completely understanding. "I'll stay with you as long as I can. If there's anything you need or anything I can help with, please ask."

"Uh... I... I have to start going to see a psychiatrist when I get out... c-can you come with me please?"